"Just look! Look at them all kissy wissy!" I tell my friend Ann Marie. "Why doesn't Josh love me? WHY WHY WHY"
"OK! Chill out Molly. There are many reasons why Josh loves Amanda, not you. One: she's the most popular girl in school, Two: she's pretty, Three: she's a millionaire, Four: she's pretty, an Five: SHE'S PRETTY! Hate to brake it to ya, but you're just not that..."
"STOP! I don't need to hear the fake that I'm not pretty anymore."
"Sorry but welcome to reality"
"Have you ever hear the fact that LOOKS DON"T MATTER!" I'm practically crying now! " I'm"(sob)"BETTER! YOU HEAR THAT JOSH!!!!! YOU HEAR THAT!"
"Okay, I think it's time you go home."
"I WANT JOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Like OMG Moll, LOOK!"
She points over towards Josh and it. He's looking our way! I look behind me and only a dog doing it's "business" is there. Unless he has an interest in looking at dogs pee, he is looking at me!!!!!!
"Heyy! Molly" Josh yells! "Sup?" and goes away holding hands with the devil.
Everything goes black. I'm in a white room split in half with two lines. Red lines I go up and touch the odd red lines. They feel like BLOOD! I'm reading the 'Twilight Series' so all the sudden i go over my head thinking, he's a vampire, he's a vampire, he's a vampire, he's a vampire! Oh gosh! HE'S A VAMPIRE!!!! Then the red "lines" start to drip down and down. And the white walls turn black, but i see a very vivid figure. A human? It flashes a smile and I see sharp fangs! "VAMPIRE!" I scream. And at that moment the white/black walls turn white again and I see Josh with fake fangs in. He takes them out, but Josh isn't fully dressed!!! He's only wearing shorts WAIT JOSH IS HALF NAKED WITH ME THERE!!!!!!!
"awwwww" I say. I feel really dumb but his body is just perfect!
"What?" I hear him say? "Amanda? NO What! MOLLY! WHY ARE YOU HERE?????"
"I don't know." I say quietly. And then all the sudden JOsh lunges towards me and kissed ME!!!
I feel someone shaking me and my eyes flutter open and my dad is next to me on my bed giving me a big "get outta bed" smooch! Where did my Josh go?1
Author notes
like the characters? grapevine
My fav.filmis TWILIGHT duh
A contest entry
- Be Bold. Be Daring. Be In Love. by ArtistoLeVerse.
100 points, ended March 19, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - OMG! OPTIONS!!!!! by poetry is soul.
410 points, ended April 17, 25 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Odd Love by Darkhearted.
350 points, ended April 23, 65 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - OMG DIS CONTESST HAZ NUTHIN 2 DU WIT TWILITE by Rune Morose.
100 points, ended April 1, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Lots of Love xx by Neolittlefish.
325 points, ended May 21, 53 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - For Those Wanting to Add That First Trophy to Their Story by Tricia3.
600 points, ended April 12, 36 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Not bad
I think it's great how you turned it into a dream. I think you need to do away with the all Caps for emphasis and a few of the explanation marks also.
Good job
Trish
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I liked the punchiness and the fast paced way you wrote this, it definately felt like the tangled love life of a teenage girl. There were a few spelling mistakes (which I do a lot, so I can't lecture) give it a bit of an edit and you'll have a great story. Well done and thanks for entering my contest. Oh and great choice for your fave film!
Neo -
I liked the story, and it has a great potential too. you should only re-write it and give the Caps Lock and Shift keys a little more rest. It's just an idea of me.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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not excactly what I'm looking for.
sorry,
cheyenne -
I see your age is 15, so I'm not terribly concerned about offending you when I say the dialogue shows your age. The dialogue is vaguely adolescent, showing the characters' age as well. The overall story was hard to follow; consider breaking it up into some form of paragraphs. Other than that, the plot itself has some potential, although somewhat cliche.
Polish it, though! You really might have a good story here. Keep writing!
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uhh
thx? i mean even though im young u still should b aware that I HAVE FEELINGS! i realy do mind if ur rude -
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Woah!!! That wasn't intended to be rude. That meant that the dialogue shows where you're coming from and by default where your characters are coming from. It means you're writing at about the right level you should be. There was no insult intended.
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well nxt time plz pick ur words better
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*sigh* To me that didn't sound rude, but everyone reads into things differently. What I meant, specifically, was that because you were a teenager, I didn't feel like it would offend you to say the dialogue sounded like a teenager wrote it. It would have been vastly different, if I said that and you were say 20-30. By then you wouldn't have wanted it to sound like a teenager's dialogue and by that I would have expected the older person to take offense and would have phrased it differently.
I'll pick my words a little more specifically from now on with you and others, but should I critique your work again, know that I will always be honest, but never rude. The object of my comments is always to give constructive feedback. -
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ok thx i must have read ur words rong, and not understand wat ur trying to say
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You're welcome. Glad we could clear up the misunderstanding.
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lol the ending was pretty funny. i think you should add a bit more to this... it could have a lot of potiential! but over all, it was cute and pretty good. good job!
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The story showed your age a little in the dialoge and the content.
Paragraph one...You need an puncuation at the end of the dialoge. "Why why why!"
The story seemed a little childish...but I think you have potential.
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ok thx?
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not meaning to sound mean. Really i feel bad now. I'm not really good with words sometimes.
Sorry if I hurt your feelings...i really wasnt trying ot be mean. -
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no i didnt take it the wrong way, i jsut u know im not good w/ word either!
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