3-15-091
It was a beautiful fall morning. Jake and I were enjoying a brisk walk down a mountain trail. Everything smelled so fresh. I loved the crisp sound the dry leaves made under my feet. We had walked about three miles along the trail, when suddenly, Jake stopped dead in front of me and the hair stood up on the back of his neck. I could hear his low warning growl. I stopped dead and listened. Something was ahead of us on the trail and Jake was warning me that it might not be friendly. 2
I pulled out my can of bear spray, but I was usually more frightened of the human animal than any other. The animals didn't usually stalk you as prey as man does. I hoped it was a bear, and I would just stand my ground until it went away. I stood there, not moving for about fifteen minutes and Jake finally relaxed and started wagging his tail. It was safe to proceed. I stuck the spray back into my pack and continued down the trail. I knew Mom and Dad always worried themselves sick every time I decided to go camping alone, but I tried to tell them that with Jake along, I was perfectly safe,3
"It's just not smart for a little snip of a girl like you to be in the woods alone," Dad would say, but that's where I loved to be. I didn't fear the creatures of the forest near as much as the ones that hunted the streets by night in the cities. I felt quite safe as long as Jake was with me.4
Shortly after noon, we stopped in a neat clearing next to a lake and I dropped my pack and told Jake he could go swimming. I started a fire and fixed something to eat. It was so pretty here, I might just pitch my little tent and spend the night. I laughed as Jake walked out of the lake shaking water all over me. We ate, I pitched my tent and got out my sketch book. I sat there sketching the beautiful scene as a young doe walked up to the water. Jake sat as quietly as I while the beautiful creature drank from the lake.5
Suddenly, a shot echoed through the trees and the doe fell. I couldn't believe it. She wasn't much more than a fawn. I could tell Jake was as angry as I. He looked at me with those enormous brown eyes as if to say, why? I put my arms around his shaggy neck and sat there hugging him.6
We watched as an enormous man with a big gun came swaggering out of the trees. He looked so pleased with himself and he said, “Did you see that shot? Two hundred yards and I dropped it with one shot!” Jake was starting to bristle and I put my hand out to calm him. The man was still holding the gun and he might not be smart enough to tell a German Shepherd from a baby deer. I watched as he stood his rifle against a tree and walked down to the poor dead animal.7
When he was far enough away, I walked over and picked up the gun. When he turned around, he was surprised to see me standing there with the rifle pointed straight at his chest. 8
“Whoa, little Missy,” he said. “That just might go off.”9
“You're right, it just might,” I said as I released the safety.10
He paid a little more attention to me as he heard the click of the safety. He started backing away with his hands out. “Just put it down, now Missy. That trigger is pretty touchy.”11
“Thanks for telling me,” I said as I walked closer to the man. I could see his swaggering manner start to desert him and the sweat start to pour down his brow. I continued to walk closer while he continued to back away. 12
“Go get me the rope, Jake,” I said and Jake took off for the camp. He came back a moment later with a large coil of rope in his mouth and laid it at my feet. 13
“Take him to that tree, Jake,” and he started moving slowly towards the man with fangs bared. “You'd better pay attention when Jake talks. Go up to that tree and put your arms around it as far as you can reach.” 14
With both Jake and I walking towards him, he realized he better listen, and complied. Jake walked up right behind him and growled, as if warning him not to move. I walked over to the tree and laid the gun down. “Don't move a muscle and Jake might let you live.” 15
I proceeded to tie his hands tightly together around the tree, then I wound the rope around him two or three times and tied it off. “The mighty hunter is not quite as brave now,” I smiled.16
“What are you gonna do?” he whined. 17
“I'm going back to enjoying the beautiful lake, like I was before you showed up. Keep your mouth shut and I won't bother to gag you.” 18
“Just turn me loose and I'll leave real quiet like.”19
“One more word and you'll get the gag,” I said as I walked over and threw the rifle out in the water. He started to yell, but thought better of it. I checked the deer, and it was beyond help.20
I went back to my sketching as Jake kept his eye on the man.21
The man managed to stay quiet for a couple of hours, and then yelled, “Hey, I gotta piss.”22
“Go right ahead,” I said and never looked up. When it started to get late, I put up my sketch pad and went to put some fresh wood on the fire.23
“Hey, I'm getting hungry over here,” the man complained.24
“Tell someone who cares,” I replied.25
“When are you going to turn me loose?” asked the man.26
“What makes you thing I'm going to turn you loose?” I laughed. “I'm going to give you just as much chance as you gave that baby doe. Jake, go fetch the deer.”27
Jake picked up the small fawn and carried it over to where the man was tied. I walked over to the doe with a knife. I gutted the fawn and draped the innards over the man's neck.28
“What are you doing?” he screamed.29
“I told you, I'm giving you as much chance as you gave that fawn.”30
“Quick, get it off me. It's getting late and there are grizzly in these woods. You don't know what you're doing.”31
“I sure do,” I grinned and walked back to my tent and sat by the fire. The man started fighting his bonds. 32
“Please,” he started to beg. “just cut me loose. I'll do anything you want me to do. You can't leave me tied here smelling like a dead animal. It'll draw every predator within ten miles.” 33
“Fifteen,” I said with a smile. “C'mon Jake, it's bedtime.” 34
I slept like a dream with Jake as a pillow and enjoyed the sounds of the night. I was very glad when the screams stopped. All I heard was the low rumble of a satisfied bear. I love the sounds of nature.
Author notes
Option five with a twist
Last option, favorite horror author, but I have so many I can't pick out which one this would fit best
Tricia3
A contest entry
- I'm back and want you to write some more by Decadent Anomaly.
375 points, ended March 24, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Contest ANYTHING!!!!!!! by DeathByChocolate.
170 points, ended April 13, 48 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - OPTIONS! by MissIndecisive.
125 points, ended June 1, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - About any kind of animal.. Wild or Domesticated!! by Sheilasbabygal4life.
175 points, ended October 6, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Who are the real predators?
Comments
1 - 38 of 38
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This is a stupid premise and very poorly written,
So she's a young murderer, just as happy taking life as the hunter? How do you know the hunter wasn't going to eat it? was it in season? he deserves to die for maybe bringing food home to his family? the deer has no attachments. the man prolly has a wife, kids, people to take care of. she's going to kill him over something such as that? by killing him, she is just as bad as the hunter, if not worse. an eye for an eye leaves everybody blind yes, the loss of a life is sad, but necessary and unavoidable. I hunt, and say a prayer over the body, showing respect and thanks for the life and meat it provides me...
this is stupid, gain some real perspective on the world, then try writing a story with a real, respectable moral.beginning: 1, language: 1, plot: 1, ending: 1, dialog: 1, characters: 1.
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Wow! Such venom!
I was always taught you were supposed to critique the story and not the author. I can see you don't care for my story, but I think a couple of stupids is just going a bit overboard and who said the story had a moral?
So, you're a hunter. Would you shoot a fawn to feed your family?
If you don't like the story, you're welcome to say so, but in a little bit more respectable manner, please.
Trish -
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also
i was quite respectable, i could have been far harsher and ripped ur story to shreds, not just the premise. i did critique the story, and not you, simply your mindset. it was poorly written with a bad plot, crappy dialogue, and a completely unbelievable premise.
better?
i'm showing you respect by giving an honest opinion. don't like it? delete the comment. -
um hmm... lets think
let my girlfriend and unborn child starve, or shoot a fawn that doesn't have much chance in the wild.
stupid question.
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Wow! This was good but just a little scary here and there, But this was very good and very enjoybale too read. Thanks for entering and best of luck too you in the contest!
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*sitting with jaw on the ground*
That was amazing. Kinda creepy, though...
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I liked it and thought you did a good describing it. It was all right there i could see it all happening. Well done.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Really Good
I hate hunters and stopped my husband from going years ago.The deer are so helpless and lovely especially the fawns. They use our drive way to get to the creek behind the house. The girl is a bit too brave for her own good, she may make the wrong animal mad.
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Okay- I shall do my best to critique as I go.
Paragraph 3- I don't like the 'Animals didn't usually stalk you as prey as man does'. One, because yes.. Animals stalk you. I get what you're trying to say but the meaning is foggy. It would also help if the sentence wasn't passive- 'Animals don't stalk you as man does' implies that humans stalk in a different way, and it's a sharper sentence.
Later in that paragraph you tend to get into comma territory. I also do this and it's a nasty terrible habit I'm trying to break. My suggestion is to read over a sentence. If a word can be taken out, do it. HP Lovecraft had a lot of flowery words and phrases, and that worked. But for most of us, the Hemingway method is the best when you're wanting to build tension and suspense.
"I knew Mom and Dad always worried themselves sick every time I decided to go camping alone, but I tried to tell them that with Jake along, I was perfectly safe."
Could easily become
"Mom and Dad worry whenever I go camping alone. But with Jake along, I felt perfectly safe." or something like that is a little simpler, and doesn't bog the reader down with extra words.
Okay. I would also love a little more description. Words like 'pretty' and 'enormous' are weak. They don't really say anything. Instead of telling, show the reader. It'll improve the atmosphere a lot. :3
I loved the story, though I felt like the twist came too early. The best part was definitely when she had the gun on him. From then it became a little methodical.
But it makes her look like an insane environmentalist.. with an extremely well behaved dog. It makes me wonder...
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Thank for your comments.
I'll take your suggestions and go back over it.
Trish
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That Jake is a pretty smart dog, almost human. He's also a predator, and we all like hamburgers, don't we? At least the doe enjoyed living wild and free with all her native intelligence, as opposed to a farm animal. And that poor hunter, oh my, he got more than he bargained for! Even though I don't agree with your basic idea, I like the narrator and Jake, the way you describe their love for nature, their feelings and their relationship. A very enjoyable and well written story. Nice job.
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Wow, well that was an interesting twist. Thanks for entering my contest.
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Interesting
Keeps you wondering what will happen next. I don't hunt and can't imagine why anyone would. Why would anyone want to kill a beautiful animal? You have talent! Keep up the good work.
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Thank you very much
for the comments and suggestions.
Trish
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I would take the "and" out of the first line between Jake and I. I would start a new sentence with Jake. I would take the "and" out between me and he. Then start a new sentence. It's just my preference to keep the story tight. I would take the "and" out of the last sentence of the first paragraph.
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Well well, very A+ job here.
Still savvy at 60+. :}
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You're not really 67?
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Every long day of it!
Trish
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Fantastic story, it caught me right from the start. I loved it.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thanks for the applause and the comment.
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Good one. You have a great imagination. Love the twist.
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Thanks, I told you it was weird.
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that was great!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay, I like how she was the one all alone i the woods with only a dog (okay, not only) I really thought that it would be her that got attacked or something. It was written very well.
GOOD LUCK!
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Thank you.
I try to never make my endings too obvious. I like twisted stories. I'm glad you liked it.
Trish
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Hm. A very curious story. Quite dark, but I like dark stories. A very well written story, at that. I would like to see a few more descriptions of the characters' appearances and voices. Also, I'd like to suggest that you try to add in something that draws on each of the five primary senses. This helps to make the story even more vivid and realistic.
Though, I am wondering why Jake had fangs. Does this relate to another story you've written? Hm.
Either way, it's a very good story. Great piece.
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Thank you
Thank you for your comment
I guess I should have said teeth or canines, but fangs just sounded more threatening. No, I don't write vampire or werewolf stories. The human animal is far darker.
Trish
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A well, written story - I just loved the ending! This is my kind of story!
One little suggestion though; paragraph 4 - "It's just not smart for a little snip of a girl like you to be in the woods alone," Dad would say ... etc.
Best wishes and all that!
Bernic
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Thanks Bob
I know some of my stories are rather weird. I like surprise endings, but I do try to warn the reader with the title whenever possible.
Thankss,
Trish -
I'm glad you approve!
That's the kind of story I enjoy writing, but sometimes worry about posting them after I do. Thanks for the comments
Trish
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The female of the species is more deadly than the male and far more vicious with it. A real scary situation with a decided twist. Beautifully written from where I am.
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Oo-er, you've got me biting my nails.
That is pretty scary.
I like the idea of a slip of a young girl and her dog overcoming a brute of a man and the cool manner she uses as she just goes back to her sketching.
It looks like the armed hunter became the unarmed prey.
A trfuly marvellous story.
I do have a few suggestions which you may like to look at:
para 5: That's a very long first sentence you have there. May I suggest it may look better if it was turned into shorter sentences, something like this:
Shortly after, we stopped in a neat clearing next to a lake. I dropped my pack and told Jake he could go swimming. I started a fire and fixed something to eat.
para 12: You suddenly switch from 1st person to 3rd. From this point of the story onwards you need to change "she" to "I". For example:
"Thanks for telling me," I said as I.....
Para 13: Anna needs changing to "I" from this point onwards.
Para 23: he fire - this should be - the fire
This is a great piece of horror, reminding me of both King and Kloonze.
You need to change the perspective though and use either 1st or 3rd person all the way through otherwise the story loses a lot of its effect.
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I changed it
Thanks, I guess I should have read it more carefully. -
Thanks, Lawrie
Sometime I scare myself. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I will definitely read it over and edit it.
Thanks,
Tris
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Creepy! I love this piece. It has such a dark atmosphere. The whole brutality of the hunter's death was marvellous. Should have thought twice about killing an innocent animal.
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Thanks for you great comment
No one kills an innocent animal while I'm around.
She slept with a clear conscience.
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In paragraph 11 you switch narrative rather quickly from first person to third.
Other than that this is a well written piece. As for the horror writer, I see a Robert Bloch influence. He tends to make vengeance something horrifying yet done with a certain flair, as is the case in the outstanding piece. Are you fmailiar with his work? Or am I way off this time?
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Thank you so much!
for your comment. I haven't read Robert Bloch, but I'll check him out. As for para.11, I've reread it several times, and am not sure what you mean. Actually, that part of the story is dialec between the two.
Maybe you could write out the paragraph, showing me what you mean. I'm all about learning and taking any advice I can get.
Trish
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You began the story in the first person, speaking from the character's point of view, as in: "I pulled out a can of bear spray" . Actually in paragraph 15, not 11, apologies, (I should really sleep sometimes) You switched to third person, writing from an aoutside perspective, like Anna, she, her. In third person the sentence I quoted would be: "She pulled out a can of bear spray."
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