Walking away

My tears mixed with the throes of having lost you scatter my sanity as I delve in the darkness of  my cuboidal room. My pillow swims in my tears and keeps yearning for a day when painful pangs might never get another successful chance to ensue my soul. 1

I know I went  horribly wrong but I had never imagined that things would take an ugly ruthless turn where in we both wouldn't be able to harbour forgiveness for each other. The love that once beatified our souls became an overloaded burden that we couldn't carry.But did that really happen? Or did you walk away in haste considering me a mistake?  2

Your love has no rhyme or reasoning and every time I think of you I try to reassure myself that all will be fine someday.That's when I get a news which breaks the harmoniusness  of my soul . 3

It was one such day. I was comfortably snuggled on the cosy comfort chair probing into a failed attempt at our first pilot plant run into the mega project of insulin development our company had procured. The  ringtone  gave me nervous jitters as I heard it swelling out of my phone.4

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This was the famous romantic  song by Glen Mederios   "Nothing's gonna change my love for you". I had the extravagant  option of selecting four  ringtones  and this beautiful song was the ringtone for your  number. 6

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The resonating sound left me benumbed for a moment. I saw your number and was startled to see your name flashing on the screen. 8

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You never bothered to speak to me for five years and then all of a sudden this call out of nowhere,left me perplexed. I knew my ears would be subjected to an unpleasant news. 12

"Hi.How are you doing?" You enquired
"I am fine" I replied
"How is work? And your Doctorate project" You probed
"I will be leaving soon for the University of Berlin,sometime next year" I replied
"That's great" You replied felicitating me on my achievement.
" I am getting married to  Shweta  this week" You informed 13

I was devastated.This news had wrecked complete annihilation in my life.I couldn't control the tears that swelled out of my eyes. I waited these five years with a faith unbreakable and immobile,that always assured me about your love and our reconcilation. The news of your affair with  Shweta  had left my senses inebriated but then there was this undying faith that always told me that nothing could replace my love for you. 14

I was wrong. I had been replaced. 15

I grasped my breath.The air had been knocked out of my lungs. You had shattered my emotions,the shards of which were causing unrelenting pain,the bruises of the wounds you gave me would remain for a lifetime and beyond. 16

"Congggratulations" I stammered 
"I hope you would be there.I have sent the invitation card to your Delhi home" You informed
"I am sorry,I won't be there" I replied affirmatively
"But why?" You inquired
"Are you expecting an answer to that?" I asked in a broken tattered voice 17

I threw the phone on the floor in dismay as I didn't want my bruised heart to be engaged in a conversation with you.
"I love you Roshan,there is nothing more I have to say" I murmured to myself as tears writhed across my skin. 18

I collected my belongings and barged out of my room and went to inform my boss about my early exit from the office. He could sense something awry but he didn't bother to divulge into the details.
I rushed straight to my house and telephoned my mom. She had already sensed that something was wrong with me,thanks to my stuttered speech. 19

"Mom,Roshan is getting married" I informed her.
"I know. We received   the invitation yesterday"  She confirmed
"Mom,What do I do now?" I asked 20

There was no answer from her. 21

I yelled into the receiver. 22

"Tell me mom,What do I do?"
"You must get married too,like him" She advised
"Mom,I hope you know what you are saying,I love him ,Mom.I really love him." I uttered in a faltering tone"
"Please do not ruin your life for him" She pleaded
"I think it's high time that I leave this place.I am not needed here" I stammered
Tears had  enswathed  my face draping me in pain. I knew life would never be the same again without you. 23

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I plodded with my luggage on the glossy flooring of the Airport lounge. I walked to the ticket counter and handed over my tickets to the woman seated there. My luggage went for the security check while I comfortably  accommodated  myself on the chairs stationed in one corner of the Airport. 26

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My mind was lost in a vague plethora of emotions. The millions of  unanswered questions were shrouding my mind.28

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I was intoxicated by the pain that had enshrined my soul. My broken dreams mocked at me.It seemed to me that the world around me was derisively jeering at me,taunting me with satirial insults. My love for you had been shrouded in death.My soul was lamenting like a widow. 30

I had released your soul from the chained bondage of my love. My heart pined to see you for one last time,but maybe it would always remain an unfulfilled dream. 31

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I wishfully stared at our picture,the last time we were together.33

My life has been enslaved in this one picture.34

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The wistful longing of our togetherness would keep me alive. 36

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I know it would keep me alive.38


I remember the last note I had sent you inked in my painful tears. 39

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To You, 41

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I trudge along the boulevard of my broken dreams,where every thought of you leaves my sanity scattered and dismantled.
This pathway we once walked together now seems like a deserted land forsaken by the God almighty.43

He robbed this land of the verdancy it yearned for,just the way he robbed me of your love.The leaves are trampled and the air is lifeless,wearing the shroud of death,mourning in tears of lamentation.44

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Your aura lingers in every drop of my blood,it flows in my veins.Every breath I take implants your presence in me as if you had never walked away.
My wounds are embalmed in pain, sodden in blood,they lie deserted and naked.46

My heart beats to sing songs of your love,else it would have forgotten life,I swear it would have forgotten to beat.47

Your face chases my dreams,shattering the rhyme and reasoning,still I would want to meet you again.48

Your voice resonates in my ears,robbing me of my dreams,even then I would like to hear you again,mesmerizing me with the three golden words.49

Why did you do this to me? Why couldn't you forgive my wrongdoings for the very last time?50


All these years I walked by your side kissing away every morsel of pain that touched you.Every tear that fell from your eye left me ruined.I held you close to me never letting you fail,never letting you fall.51

You had every inch of me,then and now.52

For all my pain and suffering I know I can't put the blame on you.You deserved love in all its purity and maybe she gave you what I could never give you and might never be able to give you.53

Yesterday I opened the old rusted metal box in which I had preserved the tokens of your love. 54

The love letters inked in blue blood on the ebony white paper,the silver bracelet embellished with your love and that one last moment of love captured in time,that last picture of our happier times together.55


I know I am blessed to have them with me and hoping I can keep them with me forever,just like your love.56

I know I might have never told you this, but then even in the songs of death,it's only your love that has raised me to stand up on my own.It made me thrush and crush the mountains and turn my suffering into chaff.I have nurtured your love in me like a silent prayer that makes me whole and beatifies me in pure bliss.57


I might not be the woman of your dreams,but trust me I have loved you for a lifetime and will love you beyond eternity.58


If you ever realize my love for you,then please do come back to me. 59

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 I will be waiting for you with a prayerful heart till death doesn't come knocking at my doors. 62

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" I will be loving you always " 65

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