The creature that looked like a man was thrashing my mother around the room with a menacing grin and a sinister growl. The man had found her scurrying toward the blade that sat across the room where it sat at. Taking my attention off my mother I looked over to the blade, it was covered in blood. And for some reason I knew it didn’t belong to the stranger. He didn’t seem to be able to bleed, he looked like a angle but with out a halo. From the blade’s reflection that glimmered toward me, I squinted till my eyes adjusted right back to my mother. He had my mother in his hands now, her body looked broken. 2
An urge that was so hard to disobey, told me to shout at him to let her go, but I was petrified in fear. All I could do was look at my mothers unrecognizable face. She wasn’t dead, but there was a matter of time before she would be. The stranger who held her pulled her up toward his face, parted his lips and his eyes bulged. 3
My eyes couldn’t look away from my mother’s shivering body. Her feet were dangling off the floor, she turned her face toward my direction. Eyes boring into mine and her neck faced him exposed, he seem to be mesmerized. What I thought was fear wasn’t, it was a plea for me to stay alive. There was a hint of pain, not for what her body read but for the knowledge of loss. The loss of a child and a husband, her pleading was her last request; that I survive.4
The stranger didn’t notice her gesture toward me, he was hypnotized by my mothers mangled neck that he looked at with lustrous hunger. Before my mother could mouth the words: I love you, he blocked my view. My mother went limp from what I could see. Without a sound, I knew my mother wasn’t with me anymore.5
I was immobilized, I couldn’t think. All I could do was sit there while the mans face covered my mother’s. I thought our eyes had met just for a small instant. He finally dropped her, the bastered was still grinning as if he’d won the war, better yet the battle. Not even that, more of a game. Looking at him made the hair’s on the back of my neck stand on ends. Unable to think, I moved without thought. 6
It felt as if his eyes were burning hole’s through the cupboard’s doors. Even if he couldn’t see me, he could smell me. My body reacted again, It moved to the left of the space. I began to dig my nails into the wood’s bottom and pull out the panel of the floor. With more sense of the situation I squeezed through the opening in the floor with little effort. It was a foot deep down underneath, I got on all fours when I reached the dirt, and began to crawl. Afraid of the light that was coming from the left side of where I crawled, I went down on my stomach and started to crawl military style. 7
It was dark, the light was soon dim and later became invisible. And the moldy smell didn’t help at all. The darkness was what had me crawling still, since I couldn’t see where I was going. I reached around grabbing anything that might help me. As I felt my way further through the dirt a glimmer of star light appeared faintly ahead. It was a bit brighter, like the moon reflecting off the sky. I stopped crawling for only a second to whip away the sweat bead that ran down my cheek, not taking anymore time I began to crawl frantically and my breathing , just realizing began again. 8
The opening that my sister and I made bigger so it would be easier to fit through. With shaken hands I pushed away the board that blocked the entry way. I was inside the little room the size of a bathroom. The walls where cherry pink with one single picture of the family. It wasn’t much just my father, mother, sister and me. I was wearing the purple sweater my mother made me, my sister was wearing the same thing with matching skirts. My father was wearing his Red Hot Chilly Peppers shirt, with normal faded blue jeans. His beard was small but growing, his blue eyes looked excited and in love. His skin looked of the softest of skins, with a smile on his face he looked happy with his jet black hair ruffled from my mothers playful touch. And my favorite, my mother with a cherry red shirt, a black bow on the right shoulder. Her jeans were of the same faded blue as my fathers. She wore diamond earrings that matched her liquid blue eyes. Her lips were full and lush, the bottom was to full so they never looked perfect but still beautiful. Her hair was stretched down her back to her hips, the brown hair bounced with the curls that formed. Her eye lashes brushed away any fallen tear, as did my fathers. She was playing with his hair in the picture, smiling as if that where the first. And we where looking at them with our green apple eyes with joy of how much love there was. Now it seemed like a different family, in a different time. 9
Still looking at the photo and still on my knees I rushed over to the bed that stood in the middle of the room. I took the pink blanket that spread lifeless on the bed off. My sister and I found this place when we were five, we would always come here to play or to hide from the babysitter. Avoiding any light I dropped down on my back this time and rolled under the iron bed, wrapping the blanket over me. 10
It seemed like hours since I got in the room, my eyes began to plead for light. I wasn’t fond of the darkness, I would be the one with a night light at night before fully falling asleep. But If I were to turn on a light, it would give me away. I peeked out from under the blanket, I saw the concrete the covered most of the room except about the middle of the wall at my left. That part was made of wood like most the house, this was some kind of panic room. And that wasn’t the only wood in the room, around there were small wood openings that when the suns orange, yellow rays shinned in the morning, it would go through and send rainbows all through the room off the crystal raindrop wind chimes we kept in there. I felt the fear reaching me again, the tears began to fall without pause. I closed my tear stained eyes wishing for morning to come soon.11
…12
“Sweetie, what are you doing?” 13
I heard a voice coming from the kitchen. I looked around the corner of the living room, no one was there but I did know who’s voice that was. I smiled to myself, “I’m coloring a picture for ¾”14
There was a nock at the door, my mother rounded the corner I was still looking at. With a shaky voice she said, “ I’ll get it, you just go watch the cookies in the oven.” Even with a shaky voice she managed a smile. I walked slowly with curiosity toward the kitchen, my mother looked at me until I disappeared.15
The kitchen smelled wonderful, I never liked cookies but when my mom made them they where to die for. I walked closer to the oven smelling the sweet cookie doe, then sat down on the high chair and started to color my picture. Mommy walked in with her expiration shaken even more then it was before. She ran to the cookies in the oven took them out and sat them down with a ‘thump’. 16
My mom then took on a silence that was getting to creepy, So I spoke, “ Mommy, what’s wrong, who was at the door?” She carried on the silence, just when her lips parted the door was being opened. She jumped the counter toward me and stood in front of me in a protective stance. She readied herself for our visitor only to be my father. He walked into the kitchen with a huge smile on his face and a bouquet of flowers, they looked to be orange roses mixed with yellow and white ones as well. My sister followed behind , she was frowning when she saw me, the frown turned into a smile. My face was blank, I didn’t return the smile. She understood all to well, she walked over to stand by me; hand and hand we watched our mother.17
Mommy was still in front of me, speechless. Daddy tried to make her move by hugging her but she didn’t budge. Daddy looked down at me then turned to my sister with concern in his eyes. Daddy opened his mouth to ask me something but mommy began to shriek. Her legs seemed to buckle from under her, she would of hit the floor but daddy caught her. Daddy looked at us with apology and dismissed us to our room. 18
While we where in our room, all we did was sit on the bed looking at the door. My sister didn’t ask, it was always like that with us. It was easy to read each other, and on most times’ I would feel what my sister felt. I guess that’s how twins are supposed to work. It wasn’t long before mommy and daddy came back, they carried suitcases with them. They didn’t say anything nor did we ask.19
We were ready to leave then the door bell rang for the second time today. Mommy had her composure back, she was calm and aware. She whispered low as if not wanting anyone to know the secret, in a whisper that I faintly caught. “There was only two, this would be easy if they weren‘t level E,” her tone was all business like. 20
Daddy was the one to look at us first, he was in tears that he soon after whipped away. Mommy wasn’t in tears but she looked to be pained, that was when daddy spoke. “ Ok, both of you stay upstairs. Can you do that for daddy?” We nodded, mommy spoke this time hearing the door bell ring again. 21
“No matter what happens nor what you hear, do not open this door unless the family secret is spoken, alright?” Once again we nodded, we were confused. We didn’t know the secret, daddy smiled a little and spoke with a hushed tone.22
“We are the Alekin Clan; Vampire Hunters.” 23
Our expressions were blank, that was one thing we were forced to master. No matter how bad , worst comes to shove we must always keep a blank expression. We were at the corner of the room huddled in a ball, my sisters hands felt cold on my skin as she held me closer to her. The last we saw of our parents at that moment was each of them with a gun and a sword. 24
The sounds came out of no where, there was all kinds of things being broken. “Ahhh”, my sister was up already heading for the door. She stopped to look at me, she didn’t have to say anything I already knew. We were motivated to disobey and leave the room. I reached for the door knob and opened the door with force. It slammed open, we rushed out tiptoeing down the stairs. We could still hear the clashing of blades, daddy’s cries died down a little into painful moans. We where at the bottom of the stair case, hidden behind the wall, we peered out. 25
It was a battle field, fabric and glass was covering the ground. The furniture was ripped in pieces, the walls had scars going up and down them. Some of the walls going toward the door had body imprints. We turned our attention toward the sound that came from the corner turn. Entering the kitchen was a hand in a puddle of crimson red blood. The hand was attached to daddy’s moaning body. Bailey, my sister ran toward him with out a second thought, before she got even half way there. With out warning she was slammed up against the wall by an invisible force. Her body fell to the ground in fast motion. 26
My breathing went hallow, before I could get my sense back at all, a beautiful man with hair as golden as the sun gracefully walked toward her. He had a grimace on his face, his liquid fog gray eyes looked pained. As if it hurt him to have done what he did, with both hands he picked her up as if she where about to break under his grasp.27
My heart was threatening me, it might jump out. I planted my feet flat on the floor. Ready to sprint at the beautiful man, another appeared. This man wasn’t as glorious as the other one, he took a demonic aura. He had black hair, he was also dressed in black. His eyes were black in depth. He began to talk in a rush to the golden man, even his tone seemed demonic. “ ¾ kill her, she comes from the hunter ¾” I stopped trying to listen in, I looked at my sister. She was awake, she couldn’t move though. Just then the Black haired man who I believes name was Marcus, took my sister from the pleading golden man’s hands and threw her into the other room as if she were dirty clothes needed washed.28
All my fear was gone, pain was replaced. I could feel all of Bailey’s injuries, that brought on anger. I got down on my palms and knees and started to crawl toward the men. Weakened arms wrapped around my waist and pulled before I could get far enough. Just then the men disappeared. Anger still in place, I looked over to who had grabbed a hold of me.29
A torn face with blood here and there, looked straight at me. She was cut all over, the blood covered tears drained down her cheeks. Mommy didn’t speak just stared at me, communication through our minds is all we could do. When she was some what sure it was safe she made a run for the kitchen.30
She graciously placed me inside the cupboard underneath the sink. The tube where we drained the food was leaking over my head, running down my head on my cheek and landing on my arm then ran down and stopped on my knee. My mother kissed my forehead, without looking at me she shut the doors leaving only a crack. The man Marcus returned ¼31
¼32
I was drenched in sweat, my clothes including the blanket were attached to my skin. I rolled out from under the bed, the sun was illuminating through the cracks into the room. It looked to be about dawn, stretching my sore muscles I walked over to the opening cracks of the room and peered through one of them. It had rained, there was water crystals on the grass. It would have been a beautiful picture if it weren’t for what picture awaited me outside my safe harbor.33
I crawled back through the opening and out into the kitchen. My mommy’s body was gone, all there was , was a puddle of blood. I walked through the house with a blank expression, and in every room awaited the same thing. Except where my sisters body had been, I could still feel her, she wasn’t here though. I ran up to my room, grabbed the suitcase and was heading out. There was a knock at the door, with caution I walked towards it. There was nothing but a note in good handwriting: 34
Your not that lucky, Pumpkin.35
M.C.36
I dropped everything and ran for the back door, smoke started to fill the room. They were going to set me on fire, at the back door laid my parents with a note on them. The smoke was clouding it, I didn’t get to read it before I was out.37
***38
“Billy wake up, come on.” 39
“I was dreaming, couldn’t you wait until I was done?” 40
“Professor Luna isn’t going to let you dream in class and neither am I!”41
I hate Monday mornings but then again I hate all mornings so it wasn’t just Monday. The cool thing about it is that I don’t go to regular school. I attend a high security school for Vampire Hunters in training. I loved what I do and for some odd crazy feeling, I knew it had something to do with my past. Unfortunate it stayed in the past, like most things should. In this case, it was a bad idea for it to stay hidden. That's what the schools councilor says anyway, I really don't want to remember; I like life how it is right know.
Author notes
I think this might be my best yet. Anyway, I got this idea out of a dream. I dream asbout the weirdest things right? So yeah haven't found a title. Did I end it ok, well for right then? I hate adding more to the story when it feels done, but I guess adding more can be a good thing and a bad thing so what do you think?
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Comments
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The story seemed out of order or I just read it that way. ( not a good idea to keep it that way, though i get what you're trying to do.) I could hear the voice in my mind so it had to be good. Keep writing!!! fix this: I go a high security school for Vampire Hunters in training.
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For the critiquing part:
In p.4 "
what i thought was fear wasnt, it was a plea for me to stay alive" instead of a comma you need a colon. Infact, as i read more, there are many places where you put commas or period that need semi colons and colons. I suggest taking a look at that. lol sorry but you have a little problem with your punctuation. IF i can make a suggestion... I think that GEri is currently constructing an article for the group on punctation so when she gets it out you might want to have a little looksie. The irony is that i think that sentence was a run-on but im not sure
Another thing that i notice is that your sentence structure is a little confusing. It seemed to me like you were almost too eager to put your thoughts on paper and didnt take the time.
Now for the story part:
You have a vivid imagination, wich is what i liked about this piece. It was exciting.
bret
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wow. i like this!

GOOD LUCK!
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got caught again.
Please change that loose to loss--the mother lost, she wasn't a loose lady
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I already commented on this so they won't let me rate it again.
You can edit this right on site.
Geri
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The way you described the scenes constantly kept me on the edge of my seat. I wish my stories could be as powerful as yours. The only thing that I didn't like was the very first line. It confused me, it might just be me, I'm not sure lol. I love the ending. It was very creative. My dreams never turn out to be anything amazing like this. Great job!
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Yes the first line, I had troble with the whole section. Some of it didn't sound right and I confused myself as well. On my lap top is the new draft so right know I can't fix it. But I will when my problums die done alittle. Thank you for reading. One Question, DO you think the story ends there?
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Well, if you have the right plot I think you could really take this story and go far! I don't know if it ends here, but I am hoping (fingers crossed) it doesn't.
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This was really good. I enjoyed reading it. I often get dreams too that I turn into stories. haha. This really was a good one. Good job and keep it up.


beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I look forward to following this unusual Vampire tale you’ve begun.
Hello Kenia, an interesting bit of a read for a sunny Saturday morning
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You have quite the imagination and the talent to express your ideas. I look forward to following this unusual Vampire tale you’ve begun. The characters are well drawn and the plotting is lively and different.
The narrator has a strong captivating voice that keeps one reading.
However, before this can be offered for publication, you will require some extensive editing. (All first drafts do
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I made some corrections in the beginning of your text. Since I’m not certain how much you appreciate others doing this I’ll hold off on editing the whole thing.
Some things to look at:
I watched through the crack of the cupboard I was in under of the kitchen sink.1(sounds odd—perhaps? I watched through a crack in the cupboard beneath the kitchen sink. Since it’s assumed the narrator is in it.)
The creature that looked like a man was thrashing my mother around the room with a menacing grin and a sinister growl. The man found her scurrying toward the blade that sat across the room where she sat at. ( Not clear
she can’t be sitting and scurrying—nor can she be sitting if he was thrashing her? I took the liberty of editing it- use it or lose it
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The creature that looked like a man was thrashing my mother with a menacing grin and a sinister growl. The man had found her sitting at the table. When I dived under the sink, she scurried towards the blade that was stuck in the holder on a shelf across the room. (NP)
. He didn’t seem to be able to bleed, he looked like a god; (…
demonically. From the blades (blade’s) reflection that glimmered toward me, I squinted till my eyes adjusted right back to my mother. He had my mother in his hands (now), her body looked broken. 2
All I could do was look at my mothers (mother’s)unrecognizable face. She wasn’t dead, but there( it was only a matter of time) was a matter of time before she would be.
My eyes couldn’t look away from my mothers (mother’s)shivering body.
Her head faced me and her neck faced him exposed, he seem (seemed) to enjoy it. What I thought was fear wasn’t, it was a plead (plea) for me to stay alive. There was a hint of pain, not for what her body read but for the knowledge of loose? (loss). The loose (loss)of a child and a husband, her pleading was her last request; that I survive.4
Geri


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Thanx Ger-bear! I really enjoy people helping me improve. This story was one of my fav. It took me forever. And the sentences you suggested I change where some of the one's I had been going back too cause they didn't sound right. So thank you for helping me out with that. I have been so interetand by other things lately and haven't quit got anything done. So as soon as I get the other things I have been ignoring to do done, you will see this story fixed as good as it can be and maybe a next chapter or section whatever. So again thank you for your help!!!
Host
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i love your story it is awsome
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I think your writing is improving. I did see a few typos. I'm sure you would notice them if you read back over it carefully.

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it is good.
This vampire slayer story was good. One of your best ones.

beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I'm glad you liked!
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