The city of Chicago was never really considered a "safe" city, but it wasn't really ever considered very dangerous before. Like all cities, it had its good people, bad people, and bystanders who didn't give a crap what happened. The city, like most places, was somewhat peaceful. Crimes were limited to robberies, drug dealers, and occasional murders. The citizens thought that was what all cities were like that, and that they were in one of the "safer" cities of the world. Yet, what public knowledge lacked was the most dangerous experiment, occurring over 15 years ago, deemed as a failure by the all-too-knowing scientists who had performed the deadly experiment. What had happened was done, wasn't it?1
Deep below the bustling city, the Clan of twenty-six experiments sat planning the long-awaited time. Their leader, experiment Z, was they youngest age of the clan at only 16. An Extreme Seer, she sat meditating in the middle of the underground cavern. She never once got up for a drink, never once licking her parched lips. She sat in total concentration, focusing all her powers in seeing the city above.2
The others of the Experiment Clan sat in a circle in the second room, surprisingly accurate in shape considering the lack of light. Members of the Clan had no trouble using their powers to locate each other, as well as the pool of water that sat in the far corner of the caver. They had been able to locate an underground spring with J's tasting ability; J was a taster, who could taste and locate the particles in the air as well as minerals found in water. They had broken through the tough bedrock with T's extreme Breaker ability. 3
Z sat meditating, as still as a stone statue. Finally, after long awaited days of planning, meditating, and waiting, Z opened her parched lips and spoke for the first time since she had began meditating two days ago. Her dehydration had been worth every missed drop for those two days as she spoke in her clear, calm voice.
"It is time."
Author notes
This is for a contest entry by VBKarma(me) on marapets, but I'm posting it here for multiple reasons, one being convenience. I'm not looking for corrections on plot, as it was her plot line we were suppose to write about. I am looking for anything with my writing style, flow, grammar, or anything I may have overlooked when writing.
Is the writing style good?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Reminds me of Neverwhere
I liked the line about bystanders in paragraph 1. Very throwaway, but very knowing.
Experiment Z sounds like a character that could be very interesting. Loads of story telling potential there i would think.
This short piece is very good in that it establishes location, characters and mood in a very short number of lines.
It reads like one of my favourite comics.
Kind of like neverwhere by Neil Gaimen.
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I think your writing style is definitly good, I agree that varying your sentence lengths would do a lot though. Great job though! I like how you finished it!
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Oddly moving
The way that you start it off grabs the readers attention. To improve? Vary your sentance length???
I relly liked it though. -
that was actually a very cool idea very modern i loved how you described chicago that was great. i liked this so hope you win that contest good job, keep writing man.
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I like it.
Hope you win the contest.
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Thanks lime
Did you know you can get points by entering/winning contests here on storywrite?
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