Seeing ME

Frozen in this moment... in realization, in memories and desires. For not only did I actually see this, I understood it long before it started to happen. This station will carry us to new dreams, and it will be the interlude to the way home. People disembarking, others standing quietly, indecisive and unsure of their headed direction. So much noise! So many happenings! 1

Yet I am quiet… waiting… anticipating this moment that I have seen even long before I was born…2

This is where time will stop. This is where a new clock will start ticking… Every second moving on, just like baby-steps, taking you further and further away from me, until your beautiful face will be but a mere mirage on the horizon of my dreams. Unspoken words are hovering in-between us. Vibrating so loud and forcefully in my ears, finding a passageway inside me, resonating deeply into my heart, confusing my soul. 3

I am here in front of you. We both knew that this moment in time would come: this is the stop where you leave me behind. I have reached my end-destination. 4

A reflection in your eyes, another soul mirroring in them. As hard as I try to see YOU this time, I can only see my own… Grey eyes reflecting green eyes, brightly shining, openly honest and yet somehow, our shades once more are becoming one as they are both filling with tears… Still, they are not tears of regret; they are only tears for you because all I can see now, is ME. This time, they are falling for YOU. 5

Look at ME. 6

See ME. 7

This is ME 8

My gaze is forced to look into the reflection of my own eyes. Burning into your soul… my soul aflame in your eyes. Sadness overflows me for I am drifting away in your vision, going higher and higher. And then, I see where you are heading. Your own hand is steering, your own heart is leading your way. 9

I am so scared for you, I am so terribly sad for you. 10

Have I not been there, right where you are now so many times in my life? And I see it. My moments of regret, for I changed course too once and went back to different stations I have passed, and that I have left behind. Hoping to find my lost soulmates, still waiting for me just where I have left them behind many years before. Returning to the platform where I thought I was safe. Familiar tones colored the black walls. Precious memories drowned out previous mistakes. I embarked, with levitated feelings of “coming home”, “sweet yesterdays” and “untroubled tomorrows”. 11

Taking off from where I left off, speeding along, accompanied, traveling faster and faster, going up in passion… until I noticed I was spinning round and round, spinning faster and faster, until irons cutting into steel drowned all alarming sound. I came to a crashing halt. I was smashed against walls, landed on dirty floors, trampled under selfish feet. I was flung further back than even before my healing journeys begun... Wounded, hurt, bruised, scarred, and, alone. I was left broken. More crashed up than I have ever been before… 12

I was left behind to die… 13

How I pray now that your homecoming will be the healing that you desired so much. I wish for you that this would end your traveling, that you will find the purpose of your seeking, and that this quest for the truth of yourself was worth it… 14

Gasping for air, the spell in your eyes broke... The whistling announcement of your train leaving brings on the worst sense of loss I have ever felt… I have no words to explain this feeling in my heart now. Now, for once maybe you are looking at ME. Our eyes still wet, still locked in the knowledge that this is goodbye… 15

I take a small little parcel out of my purse and place it into your hands… A soft kiss, a lingering reminder of a once flaming passion reduced now to but a gentle touch. You turn away, and I stand frozen, wanting to beg you to come back, wanting to beg you not to go. 16

But yet, I stand here quietly, waiting for you to get on the train. I am letting you go free. I am letting you go unencumbered. 17

As you sit down, I see you looking at the little parcel I placed in your hand. Your train starts pulling away, gathering speed, until you disappear out of my life for good. Going up in memories, smiling at the thought of a gorgeous man that once graced me with his presence. Now fading, turning into the vague surrealistic momentum of my Beautiful Man…18


You smile at my little gift: “Silly woman, what am I now suppose to do with this? It is only a stupid little seed!” Throwing the little seed down on the floor, you rush off to change trains again for this one will not take you forward, this one heads back to where you left me behind... Yet you never saw the little letter fluttering down to the ground, unread, unseen and unnoticed. 19

As the next traveler sits down in your seat, he notices my note to you lying on the ground. Puzzled, he picks it up and starts reading: 20

"I am the unplanted seed. My offering is but the one of new love. A little seed that needs to be planted in the greenhouse of your heart, where it will have warmth, air, water... All the life-giving elements, existing together in harmony. Pulsating together in the closeness of your heart, feeling treasured and belonging where love will be nurtured… My love is not an instant fruit: I never offered you ME as an overripe, sweet and juicy seductiveness to feast on. Instead, I give you my essence. I give you my beginnings.
Beautiful Man, may the spirits be kind to you. Here is my heart, with so much love, without any regret. I can only still say, “Shalom”.
Unselfishly, this is my offering to you: ME.." 21


As his eyes linger in every word I wrote you, taking in all that I said, he can hear my soul calling, my offering, and the promise of unconditional love. Love without borders, love without shame... 22

He bends his head, quietly asking the spirits, “Show me the way to this beautiful heart… Lead me to the station where my soulmate is waiting for me” 23

As he opens his eyes, he sees a little seed lying discarded on the floor. Carefully he picks it up. Then he enfolds it lovingly with his hands, holding it close to his heart, feeling it speaking to his soul.... 24

He smiles, whispering softly: 25

“Thank you spirits, for today you have finally smiled down on me….”