"Maria?" I said to the storm, "Maria!?"1
There was no reply to comfort me, to reassure we that I wasn't too late. "Maria, come on, I know you're there. Just come out."2
I walked across the field towards the scaffolding, rain pouring out of the sky, chilling my heart. It was the kind of rain that numbs you to the core, until it's impossible to feel anything at all. 3
A flash of lighting illuminated the landscape, highlighting a bundle of clothes and dark hair laying on the second level of the metal tower. "Maria?" I whispered, knowing what I would find. 4
A scream ripped from my throat when I finally reached you- you were even colder than I without blood running through the veins protruding from your arms. You looked so pure; your normally brown sugar skin was pale, your cinnamon eyes were open to the sky. 5
I cried for you then, sweetheart, because you couldn't anymore. I cried sheets of rain from the clouds that hit your cheeks and ran down in rivulets to dilute the blood on the ground. 6
I still cry for you, but, like then, it makes no difference- all is lost in the rain.7
Author notes
i have nightmares about my friend killing herself on the scaffolding overlooking the band field. they're kind of like this.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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This gave me the chills, the setting you painted was very real. Great job! Good luck to you in the contest
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An amazing, beautiful, strong write. I think you have brillant with this, I can understand your dreams as I've had simialr ones bout my mates.....well done.....3 Cheers.
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this is so....just, i dont know. it gave me chills and i must admit, it scared me a little, just because i could picture it happening. you wrote it in a way that created such a vivid picture in my mind. this is an excellent story, although and extremely sad one. excellent write
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i have dreams about my family memebrs dieing or being killed. it sares me. i love this...it is all i can say since im speechless....
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the part about viens protruding through her arms, bloodless, was meant to show that she had slit her wrists.
i loved "Little Demons and A Virgin"- but not in the way you intended i suppose.
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Who is Maria to the protagonist? What actually killed Maria? Was it suicide, murder, or accident?
A very powerful work for such a short, short story. I think you did well, but those questions are left unanswered. Not that they have to be answered.
You found my "Little Demons and A Virgin" lovely? It was supposed to be a spoof on the idea in such writes the victim is always the young innocent virgin. I am not the only demented soul who thought it was funny, but I think maybe you liked it. If you did, that is good. If not, I have many more cheerful writes and some darker.
Andy -
This was chilling, from more than the rain. You paint such a graphic picture that it was as if I shared the dream. Excellent work. It's not easy to write short compelling fiction. Have you entered any contests?
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well written
So very sad. The image of love and blood and life, washed away in the rain , it is very human and very touching. You have done well here, thank you for sharing. -
Wow, this was so...vivid. It gave me a real kind of fear for your character and a kind of panic when you describe "cinnamon eyes open to the sky." This was very startling; and very good! Great job.
Edited on Jun 18, 9:27 because ''. -
This was very well written. I could actually see the picture that was being written.
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Numbingly cold
Wow....
This is chilling, tragic, yet beautiful in a terrifying way. I have written several poems that strive to be like this, but you have acheived what I have only striven for.
Thank you for sharing. -
wow that was so sad and i could feel and see everything in the sory i felt like i was in the story what a sensation wow amazing keep writing
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wow! im speachless that was beautiful you could feel every word you wrote that was a wonderful story wow
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