*Mmmkay... then.. this is an assignement I had in English class ..I was to write a descriptive peice of some one living in a clock... mind you, descriptive, so don't choke in all of the delightful imagery..=]*1
"Why aren't you happy?" Ofelia asked. 2
The Queen chuckled, but not callously. She settled into her silken pillows with a withered sigh, her colored skirts ruffling round her shoes as she shifted in her chair. Her shoes. Ofelia stared in wonder at the lacquered olive sandals. The heels were tall. So tall, it added almost another foot to the Queen's small height. 3
"I have no time for happiness, love. And.. to think of it, no need." 4
"No time?" Ofelia whispered. Her long black hair rocked against her back as she shook her head in wonderment. "How can you have no time for happiness? Or no need?" 5
The Queen thought a while; blinked her metallic eyes, her long lashes brushing softly on her caramel skin. 6
"I wish to be happy, child. Really, I remember when this wretched clock was just built, so many years ago... I used to feel happiness then. Yes, I used to feel it as.. as you can feel water! I used to be able to touch it with a simple wave of the hand, feel it shimmer softly against my hands..." She stared at her long delicate hands with her gray eyes. 7
"But now... imagine! Living in a clock, and yet.. having no time for something. And something so trifling as a little happiness." Her eyes sparkled, and wrinkled at the soft corners of her creamy skin as she smiled.8
Suddenly, she sat up, and looked at Ofelia. Her movements were smooth, full of grace and a beautiful delicacy. Her face was lit with a bitter excitement.9
"But that's the irony of it, isn't it? Living in a clock means having to hear as time... ticks away.. Don't you hear it? Listen..."10
She cocked her head to the side, so that the small twirl of her brown ear could hear the distant banging of the broken chime. Ofelia listened as well, and looked closely at the Queen. 11
"Not so pleasant now, I suppose." The Queen grimaced at the clatter of the chimes and turned away.12
"I never got used to living in a clock. Every second, I hear booms, and bangs and creaks, and crashes. And that beautiful lullaby..? All I hear of it are the raspy sounds of torn chords, pushing round my room. Oh, how I wish to watch your world through that window... to actually hear that lullaby.. and see the world every time the clock strikes."13
It was silent. Finally, Ofelia whispered. "What is your name?" 14
The Queen let out a pretty laugh, her glossy lips pulling upward. 15
"My name means nothing. Your name means nothing. Just as time means nothing."16
Ofelia frowned. "Now you're talking like that riddle cat."17
The Queen laughed again, her gray eyes truly gleaming. " It is true, though, isn't it? It could be seventeen o'clock, or twenty nine or six, and yet, the sun still goes down, and the sun still comes up. Just as the moon. Just as you could wish to be Solei, and yet your name is Ofelia. You still look the same. You still have your long black hair, and your green eyes. I don't think a name could change anything about you.." 18
Ofelia sighed. "You think a lot. Maybe that's why you are unhappy."19
The Queen frowned. "Maybe. Is it bad to think, then, in your world?" 20
The little girl smled and shook her head again. "Of course not. But if you think so much, about how so much means nothing.. why would you like to live happily?"21
The Queen pondered a moment. She studied the childs face and let her eyes go over the curls of her black hair, and over the colors of her thin garments. 22
"I like you, child." She smiled. But the sentence was more like a thought, and the Queen settled back even more into her crimson pillows. Her sigh was soft, like a summer breeze. "So would you like to hear my name?"23
"Oh yes!" Ofelia exlaimed.24
The Queen smiled again, that frozen smile, and opened her mouth.25
The sound that came out was something Ofelia had never heard before. It was close to shriek, but like a soft whisper as well, like the scream of a furious sea, or the touch of a mothers loving hand, like the sliky chiming of a wooden clock, or the rude squawking of a cookoo chime. It was like a meldoy, a melody composed of time and space, the only instruments consisting of three seconds and two loud ticks of a polished hour hand. 26
Ofelia tried to make sense of it, but she was too overcome by the wonderous sound.27
A contest entry
- Most Anything!! by His.Golden.Eyes.
104 points, ended March 11, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Wow Me! by vamplover22907.
100 points, ended May 9, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I liked it. Nice imagery and no I didn't choke on it.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Here's to Imagery!
This was fantastic! I live for imagery, and the pictures you painted in this piece really stood out to me. It has left me pleasently confused and intrigued. Well done! -
Rest assured, you accomplished what you set out to do. The imagery in this was beautiful, and I hope you receive(d) an A on it. Now for the review.
I only noticed errors every now and then, but they still detract from the piece. It would be wise for you to go through and fix them when you have the chance. Here are just a few:
Paragraph 21: "The little girl smled..." you left out the 'i' in smiled.
Paragraph 22: "She studied the childs face..." 'childs' needs an apostrophe. So it should look like this: child's.
Paragraph 26: This paragraph had quite a few grammar errors. For instance, both melody and silky were misspelled.
None of these were major errors, but I'm sure your teacher will point them out as well...At least, mine would.
Well, I hope I helped. Although, I do have to agree with Gary Alexander in that you liked to contradict yourself a lot. I suppose this is one reason why I have never been good with imagery. I would rather just say it one way and be done with it, rather than pull out several unique ways to say something...
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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Very good job! Your use of imagery (no pun intended) was remarkable and the story behind the piece was very well-constructed and well-written. Great work all in all, and keep it up!
xoxox.
Kevan.
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Great story! I liked it. My favorite part was the end, how the queen tried to say her name and it came out as a strange type of song. I think that it would be wonderful if you wrote more to this story. It definatly was descriptive and I like how it brought clear images of a women living in a clock. It was a wonderful story. Great Job!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Amazing and fantastical! The description was great and the idea was just so original and genious! (Outside the prompt too!) Tjere were very few spelling and grammar errors on top of all that. I don't know what else to say, that was just one of the best stories I have read in a long time.
Keep up the amazing work!
~Shadow -
that was amazing
so powerful and full of meaning
and your descrption was perfect. i'm sure your teacher loved it
uhm so the person below me didn't like the way you used contradicting ideas with eachother (i think) but i thought it made it all the better. its helped you describe and see it. and i don't think it was confusing simply more brilliant
keep it up <3
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Tick, tock.
I thought you had one terrific line in ths...and that was: "How can you live in a clock and no time for something?"
But there is still lots of confusion...and oxymorons...that is, contradictory ideas...like the shriek at the end...you've described it in so many contradicting ways...as to leave the reader with quite a confused image!Like the "sentence that was more like a thought" Which was it? Like: "lit with a BITTER EXCITEMENT...this is a mad mix. Bitter is not exciting...exciting is not "bitter." These are different things. Don't try to describe something in a hundred different ways. This is confusing and unclear. Make your mind up...and say that ONE thing! Don'e have to get EVERYTHING in!
Watch for these contradictions and multi-images...multi-adjectives! ("small height!" lol! just "height" would have been enough...after all...she IS in a clock!)
Also, who is this "Queen?" Where in the clock is she? Why? Who is OPHelia? What's the relationship? What's going on?
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