Withering Romance

                              Withering Romance1

  Eve fussed with the tattered lace bordering the neckline of her creme slip dress. Staring back at her dismayed reflection in the head-to-toe antique mirror, she desperately tried to make the gaping hole as inconspicuous as possible before her boyfriend Andy arrived, fumbling through a miscellaneous tangle of necklaces in her wooden jewelry box. 2

  Tendrils of dark hair fell languorously across her clavicle, framing her pale oval face and highlighting her pastel-green eyes. A constellation of beauty marks speckled her right cheek, making a trail down to her full cupid's bow mouth. The doorbell chimed, and, deciding against greeting him at the door in nothing more than a flimsy slip, she hastily snatched a floral frock from her bedroom closet and pulled it over her body.3

  "Coming," she called excitedly, as she raced down the stairs toward the front door. She could see his distorted features through the prismatic stained-glass on the other side. Unlatching the lock, the two embraced, sharing an uninhibited kiss.4

  "What's my surprise?" he spoke against her mouth, arms securely wrapped around her tiny waist.5

  "Wait and see," she replied flirtingly, closing the door on the chilly night air. Andy laughed and planted a kiss on her cheek before releasing his hold. Eve's Grandparent's were away for the weekend, so the nineteen-year-old had the ancestral Victorian home all to herself. Leading him across the waxed hardwood floors of the foyer and through the hallway, they entered the kitchen. With a click of the switch, the recessed lighting overhead fluttered to life, revealing the kitchen's vast amenities. 6

  Approaching the island, Eve lifted the glass top off a scrumptious-looking strawberry cheese cake. "Want some? It goes along with the surprise," she stated, grinning mischievously.7

  Andy dipped a finger into the whipped cream, gathering up the strawberry dressing in the process, and brought it to his lips, swathing his tongue over the dessert. "Hmm..." he hummed, "This is good, but I bet you taste even better."8

  Eve smiled invitingly. Tonight, she'd give herself to him. Being a virgin, she'd waited all her life for this moment. She wanted it to be special, for when she was in love, because it would only happen once. Now the time had come, and she couldn't wait to be intertwined with his body, enjoying every part of his muscular physique.9

  "Andy...I love you," she started, feeling herself tear up. She looked up at him, her eyes wide with sincerity. "I know I've said it a million times, but I really care about you and I can't see myself being with anyone else. That's why I want you to make love to me."10

  By now, the tears had slid down her cheeks, substantial evidence of her affections. Andy brought a hand to her face, gently cupping her chin. Peering into her eyes, he said, "I'm flattered you feel this way about me. Maybe...I could show you, better than I can tell you, how much I appreciate you. You know I'm not good with words." His smile was lopsided, endearing.11

  "So, what do you suggest?" Eve asked, raising her eyebrows inquisitively.12

  "Well, I say we skip dessert and head for the bedroom." 13

  Within an instant, he had Eve over his shoulder, and was bounding for her bedroom, a place he'd been so many times, yet had done nothing remotely sexual in. Once inside, he placed her gently on the bed, and rushed to remove his clothes. Soon, he was naked and started working on removing her dress. "Slow down," demanded Eve, slightly turned off by his abruptness. He gave her a quick glance of apology, then proceeded on with his actions. She rolled her eyes.14

  "This is supposed to be romantic, remember?"15

  "Right, right. Romantic," he chirped absently, pulling the slip dress over her head.16

  Anticipating this moment, and then coming upon it, Eve realized it wasn't exactly as sensual as her mind had repeatedly gone over so many times before. As they disappeared under the quilted covers, she found herself asking the awkward question, "Did you bring a condom?"17

  Over top her, Andy's visage fell dramatically. "Uh, no, since I wasn't expecting this."18

  "C'mon, you were expecting this," blurted Eve bluntly. "Don't worry. I purchased some earlier." As she reached over to extract the contraceptive from her nightstand drawer, he placed a hand on her wrist.19

  "I don't really like the feel of condoms; they're prohibiting, you know what I mean?" he confessed.20

  "No, I don't know what you mean, Andy." Her eyes widened in shock as she spoke. "I'm not trying to get pregnant, here. Plus, I'd rather stay STD free." She instantly regretted that last statement as soon as she'd uttered it.21

  His face darkened. "What're you trying to say? You know I've only been with three women in my entire lifetime, and I'm totally healthy." He scrutinized her expression, waiting for an acceptable reply.22

  Eve lowered her gaze self-consciously, feeling the pressure from her boyfriend. "I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sorry."23

  His anger didn't leave. "If you loved me, you'd know that I'd never put you in any kind of danger. I just want us to be one...and I promise I'll pull out in time. Do you trust me or not?" It sounded more like a rhetorical question, than anything else. She didn't want to lose the favor of the person she'd fallen deeply in love with--or so she thought--so she replied weakly, "Yes, of course I trust you."24

  The night passed by awkwardly with the sounds of animalistic grunts from the aggressor, no regards towards the feelings of the objective. He wasn't gentle, and it was all about his pleasure, rather than hers. Eve didn't feel loved, she felt like a piece of meat--He wouldn't even look her in the eyes. She turned her head to the side, burying her face in the pillow, and waited for the pain and thrusting to subside. Ironically, once tears of love turned into tears of pain. Was he really this selfish? Did he not care at all how she was feeling and the emotions that were running through her?25

  "Hey, this kind of hurts--"26

  "Stop complaining and just relax," he interrupted irritably. 27

  Eve felt completely fooled. Was this how the first time should be? In her daydreams, she'd imagined this moment as something romantic and ethereal. What a silly notion to have. Instead of gentle kisses and warm embraces, there was a series of self-satisfying groans and even the occasional bite of her breast from his animalistic ecstasy.
28

  She'd imagined cotton sheets billowing majestically above their twisting bodies, a bluesy, jazzy tune emanating from the ancient record player next to her dressing table, not the sound of the headboard thudding against the wall and the slow tick of the clock overhead.29

  Dawn finally appeared, washing its premature light over Eve's frame. She sat upright, gazing down at Andy fast asleep and snoring unbecomingly, one arm hanging off the bed. She tried to smile, but her features would not hold. Wiping the crusted tears from her eyes, she padded over to the mirror she'd previously stood in-front of waiting for Andy's arrival, and studied her nudity. There was a bruise on the side of her breast where he'd bitten her, and her neck held a faint sign of a hickey. Closing her eyes in disgust, she inhaled deeply, searching for a positive in the situation.30

  A buzzing sound pulled her from her meditation, and she turned her head from her reflection to see where it was coming from. A second buzz indicated that it was Andy's phone paging, located in his jeans strewn across the floor with the rest of his garments. Before she could think on it, she tip-toed over to the sound and retrieved the cell from the back pocket. Flipping it open, she scanned the contents, picking and prodding at the device. A restless stir from the bed brought her attention to Andy, and, seeing that he was still knocked out, she returned her gaze to the small screen.31

  A few minutes of perusing, she came across a disturbing text message followed by some scandalous pics of a nude girl by the name of Ashley. She read the text message, her mouth gaping in disbelief.
32

Ashley Gathers                                                    
March 11, 2009 10:03 AM                                  33

Hey, Babe, it's Ash. Remember the other night?
Lol, I'm sure you do! Anyway, meet me at my place
around one, so we can finish what we started,
okay? Call me at 301-245-4700 when you get this.
Can't wait to see you again, and don't forget the
whipped cream! 34

  Eve's vision blurred as a fresh batch of tears spilled from her eyes. How could he? she thought. Browsing through the pictures, it displayed Andy in another woman's arms, kissing her, hand clasped against her bottom, and other various scenarios. Another one was of the same girl posing nude in his bedroom, cupping her breasts seductively. No doubt, Andy was the one behind the camera, playing photographer. The one that hurt her the most, was a picture of Andy and the girl known as Ashley, sprawled naked across a bed, looking as though they were still recovering from a night of wild, passionate sex. 35

  Eve's heart sunk as she fought the urge to scream and gnash her teeth together in agony. Compulsive waves of grief caused her body to shake as the sobs escaped her mouth. Standing up, she threw the phone at Andy's slumbering form, and it hit the back of his head.36

  "Ow! What the--" He lifted his head, focusing his sleepy gaze on Eve. The side of his face was covered in drool. He grabbed the phone, trying to make sense of her actions. "What's your problem?" he barked.37

  "What's yours, you cheating bastard!" she screamed, edging forward.38

  He rose, hopping out of the sheets, and tugged his pants on. 39

  "What? Are you going to say anything--try to defend yourself?!" she spat, eyes wild with rage. She rushed toward him and slapped him harshly across his cheek. Andy looked stunned when it happened, and brought his hand to his face to make sure it actually occurred.
40

"What the fuck's gotten into you, Eve?"41

  She glared at him, her eyes filling with rage and her voice going up an octave. "You slept with some slut behind my back. The evidence is in your phone....a girl named Ashley Gathers paged you--I've seen the pictures of the two of you together!"
42

  "You're insane!" he growled, escaping her wrath and heading for the bathroom. She stopped his progression, placing herself between the bathroom door and his mounting anger.43

  "Can I brush my teeth?" he asked sarcastically.44

  "No. But I'll tell you what you can do. Leave," she hissed.45

  "Is that how you want this to end, after all we've shared?" he attempted.46

  Eve pondered last night when she'd confessed her love for Andy, realizing he'd never mentioned the word to her, just skimmed around the subject completely.47

  Stepping closer, she brought her face to his, shooting daggers into his eyes. "I gave my virginity to you, thinking you were the one for me. I gave you my heart. And what did you do with it? You shredded it to pieces. I even had unprotected sex with you! How stupid could I've been?!" She frowned, slapping her palm against her head. "Did you ever really love me?"48

  No response. Just an upward glance at the rotating ceiling fan, and a quick run through his tousled hair.49

  "Get out," she growled, leveling her gaze with his.50

  He shrugged and gathered all of his belongings. He'd been caught, and it didn't really seem like he cared. One way or another, he'd gotten what he wanted out of Eve. Before long, he was darting down the steps towards the entrance. She heard the pull of the latch and the slam of the door. Sprinting to the window chipping with paint, overlooking the calm, breezy morning and blue sky, she pulled it open and stuck her head out as he entered his beat-up Volkswagen and started the ignition. 51

  Tears returned to her cheeks and she swiped at them, forbidding their existence. As if he sensed her watching, Andy glanced up at the two-story house and waved nonchalantly at the sight of Eve, her dark tresses blowing slightly in the wind. He was met with a gesture of finality; one very prominent middle finger extended towards him.52

  "Drop dead," she mustered, her voice breaking, eyes refilling.53

  As soon as he pulled out the driveway, Eve got a call from her Grandparents. They weren't far from home, deciding to retire early from their weekend travel. Scrambling to situate everything in order--including changing the sheets of her bed, and depositing the unused condoms--Eve tried to block the barrage of thoughts regarding today's events from consuming her mind.54

  She hopped in the shower, dousing her entire body with Cucumber Melon body wash to rid her of her regretted intimacy and certainly the pain of having Andy's cologne-scent on her as a reminder. As she stepped out, she heard her Grandparents entering on the first level. Promptly, she grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her frame, her long, wet hair leaving a trail of water on the floor as she entered the landing overlooking the first floor.55

  "Hey, Grandma! How was your trip--Where's Grandpa?"56

  The salt-and-pepper-haired woman with a tote over her shoulder, replied, "Oh, you know him. He's already made it for the sofa, probably watching ESPN."57

  Eve forced a laugh, absently readjusting the loose towel around her bust. The elderly woman took in her Granddaughter's appearance, a hint of worry creasing the corners of her wise eyes. "Honey, are you okay? You look like death."58

  She dismissed her Grandmother's perceptiveness with a wave of her hand. "No, I'm fine. Just getting ready to go into town....catch a movie with a friend or something." Such an impromptu lie, but it did sound like a good idea, getting her mind off the unpositive thoughts swarming in her head.59

  "Well, just be careful on the road--especially near James Street. There's been a terrible accident up there, a Volkswagen nearly squashed like a sandwich. Your Grandfather and I passed it on our way back...."60

  Everything around Eve stopped, time, sound, even her breathing. "W-what?" she stammered, backing away from the landing. She didn't wait for a reply, but retraced the steps to her bedroom, nearly slipping on the wet surface. Hurriedly, she punched in the news channel, coming across live footage of a demolished vehicle. 61

  The reporter at the scene grimly stated Eve's fears, that there'd been an accident involving two vehicles, one a Volkswagen, the other a Toyota Camry. They'd collided at an intersection, causing the Volkswagen to swerve off-lane, and topple over five times before skidding several yards or so. Eve crumpled to the floor, clutching her stomach when the reporter revealed that the driver in the Volkswagen pronounced dead at the scene, went by the name of Andy Barnes.62

  It had all ended, withering away into non-existence. Their romance, once an illusion of happiness, was now a definite separation of reality. As Eve lay there, balled up in the fetal position, she wondered how things would've been if he'd survived. Perhaps, she'd never know.
63

Author notes

So...I wrote this on a whim. I didn't really think about the concept as much, just started writing. If it's a bit inconsistent, that's the reason. I usually don't do stories like this, it's not my type. If you're thinking it sounds a bit mushy, you're not alone. I've thought that too, which is why I almost didn't post it. The concept towards the end is rushed; I wanted the male character to experience karma, but it might've been poorly-executed. I do think there's a moral to this, though.

(If you come across any mistakes, or have suggestions to enhance the quality of this story, please share them. I'd like to better myself at writing, and critiques are the only way I'll improve--By the way, this is NOT erotica!)

(Fav movie is Atonement)

In a list

A contest entry

Honestly, what do you think?

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 42 of 42
  • Wow great job! It was emotional and very deep and creative! Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest!!!

  • Wow, this is really good, I loved it soo much! I'll dismiss the fact that it passed 2 rules. I loved how you put the descriptive language of her emotions, and the karma when the guy died. I was so speechless when I read it, I loved it! Well done and good luck in the contest (as if you need it!)
    ~


  • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
    September 19

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    Oh my gosh that Andy was a complete jerk to her. Poor Eve, I can relate exactly to how the poor girl felt. I so wanted to slap that jack ass Andy, and I think in the end he got just what he deserved. I wouldn't even cry over some creep like that considering the rude way he left her and how he took her virginity knowing it was special to her when he didn't even love her. What a jerk. You portrayed the characters emotions really well. Good luck in my contest
    Joann


  • BlondSteph
    September 8

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    Beautiful writer loved the way it moved from scene to scene, a great read. I dont know if there is anything that can improve this, a great storyline and well i truely enjoyed the story and the characters and an amazing twist at the end really didn't expect that. All the best in the contest!

  • This was a wonderful story and very emotional (not too mushy at all) it was very well written and of a storyline that people can relate to, I certainly can. I really enjoyed this story.

  • Make Me Cry (Contest Comment)

    Notes:
    "...once tears of love turned into tears of pain" -- the "once" makes it a little awkward. Maybe say "her tears," or just take the "once" out. Other than that I couldn't find anything at all grammar-wise to criticize.

    One thing, though--I think that after Eve found out, she should have been more devastated and sad: angry at herself for being so blind and broken by the fact that the two things she treasured--her virginity and her boyfriend--apparently weren't as valuable as she had previously thought. I wanted to see her cry.

    It's funny, because this is almost exactly what happened to me (except he's still alive, he didn't cheat on me, and it was in the woods instead of someplace romantic--oh, and I managed to convince him to use a condom after about a half hour). Haha okay maybe not as close as I thought, but still the closest out of all the entries I've read so far; brownie points for aiming close to my heart Good luck!


  • Shadow Pixie
    July 25

    Edit | Reply
    This was amazing. I could definitely see how hurt Eve was, and I got extremely annoyed at Andy for doing that to her. You really made me feel something with this piece
    Thanks for the entry, good luck!

  • oh, btw.. I didn't know how to make it a "finalist" before lol... so yeah

  • This is fantastic! But it doesn't follow my rules. Only one of the lovers died. I required both to die. I won't say it's DQ yet, because it was amazing... But it does definatley slim your chances.

    other than that -- impressive.


  • FireByrd
    June 12

    Edit | Reply
    wow! um, well your definitely over my previous contest policy. My sour apples are there for a reason. Unless of course you sent me the message about the contests. Anyway, the story itself was good. Nice characters, good plot, I liked it.

  • I like it. It's actually what you would expect from things now-a-days with things. Great read you deserve the round of applause

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Violette silver member
    May 30

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    Oh my great ending. I loved your characters, very realistic for the situation you have placed them in. I do love when karma comes into play. Well done.

  • I really liked this, and the twist in the end was spetacular.
    Her emotions were potrayed very well, and were realistic
    Thank you for the entry and good luck

  • I Think this is a very well written and ploted story. I love everything about it. The way karma came around and got back at Andy, And the way you explaned her pain as well. but I always would like to point out that the main reason for my contest is to show the good in the bad, and the characters is supposed to voer come and make it through there proublum. But in this story its stops at a sad point. A very well written one and all. I actually love the ending. But it does not fit the guied lines of my contest. Anyways, thank you for the wonderful and well thought our entre. Good luck in the contest.
    ~ Chelsey

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 3, characters: 3.


  • MJs-Angel
    May 16
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    This is a first impression but it already captues my attention. "pastel-green eyes." I can only imagine those. They seem so life-like and perfect. Awesome job and I always know what to expect from you...a beautiful piece filled with hidden and wonderful meanings.


  • ElfSong
    May 2

    Edit | Reply
    Nice!

    The writing in this was really well done. I liked your choice of words and your sentences flowed very nicely. It was easy to read and very engaging. =)

    The concept here is not by any means original, but it is as true and believable as anything. Many young girls would find themselves in that position at one stage in their lives, and would therefore be able to relate to it (not me though ^^). Well done.

    I liked the karma at the end. It rounds up the story very well, and left me feeling that a need for justice had been satisfied. I hate guys like that.

    I must admit, it was a bit predictable, but I didn't enjoy it any less as a result.

    The detail in this makes it very believable. I can picture everything you write. Reading this was like watching a movie unfold before my eyes. I like the way you include brand names that the reader can recognise and apply to their daily life. Very clever ^^

    It wasn't really mushy. In fact, it contrasted greatly with the last story that I read, which was disastrously mushy. I saw this as being innocent and encapsulating the loss of it.

    Overall, this was very good. Thanks for entering and good luck!


  • New Moon
    April 19

    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for entering my contest. The story flowed well, I have to say. It hooked me right from the beginning. The plot was also very realistic. I loved the way you described things. Excellent. Take care.


  • tallblondie gold member
    April 17

    Edit | Reply
    Entertaining story - and fairly typical of the disparity between what people imagine their 'first time' to be like and what actually happens - especially when one partner has ulterior motives. The MC's rejection of him played out well - especially the image of this beautiful woman in a beautiful house flipping the bird. There was a couple of places where the phrasing or words didn't quite fit - for instance para 54 'depositing the condoms' - do you mean 'disposing' instead of 'despositing'?

    Overall, a well-wrought tale of love gone wrong.

    Thank you for your entry in One in Six Billion: Love and Hate


  • Bethany
    April 9

    Edit | Reply
    I don't think it was mushy at all, the whole him cheating on her and then dieing kinda ruined that effect...
    And Andy and Eve... tat just sounded kinda funny to me, like Adam and Eve... haha sorry, I just think differently
    I think that that guy is an idiot for saying he'll just pull out, if I was Eve I would have smacked him there, that is the worst excuse out there!!
    Lol, it was a good read, good job

  • writeheart
    April 6

    Edit | Reply

    Thanks For Commenting

    I wanted to return the favor. Thank you for commenting on my other story. In some ways, I feel very honored that such an excellent writer read it.
    The way you can describe and capture the reader's attention through every words is phenomenal. Though the ending was abrupt, I am sure it wasn't intentional. One way I think you can impove on is adding more sensory details when Eve found that Andy had cheated on her. Overall, excellent work.

  • HoneyAngel
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    This was certainly a compelling story. You captured the emotion perfectly, and I can see it is a bit romantic, a bit dark at the same time.

    In the paragraph where Andy and Eve first go into Eve's bedroom, you've used "it'd never done anything" where it seems it should be "he'd never done anything". Just something I picked up on.

    Thank you for entering, and good luck in the contest.


  • Frozen Angel
    March 30

    Edit | Reply
    I think you captured the meaning of preconceptions in this story very well. This piece was also entertaining; I enjoyed reading it. The description was great.

    Thank you for taking the time to enter my contest.

    *Frozen Angel*

  • this was soo good... and i think everyone has heard the, i will pull out in time, excuse. worst one out there. lol. you know when you read a story and you just can't put it down cuz its so good and you have to read it word for word? well, this would be that kind of story, so great job! keep it up!


  • tonialoise
    March 25

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    Do you have any happy stories??? hahaha... just kidding. I think some of the things in this brought back some not so happy memories for me.

    Nicely written, I only saw two little things;
    p14 yet'd??? I've never seen that contraction before... I'm assuming it's a contraction of a contraction "yet it'd"?

    p40 you have the dialog from both of them in the same paragraph.

    Yep, I got the disguise/desire part right off. Nice work.

  • interesting

    I definetely liked the premise of your story and it was quite an interesting read. Though I've heard of numerous situations similar to this, it was still refreshing to actually read about it. I think you did a great job and the ending was written quite nicely.

    Just a few comments:

    - Good word choice - very vivid. However, I wonder if there are some that you could just leave as is or use simpler words to illustrate your point. Possibly get rid of all that clutter, you know?
    For example: "Being a virgin, she'd waited all her life for this moment to occur" could be rewritten as "Being a virgin, she'd waited all her life for this moment."

    - Your sentence structure, though it works, might need a little tweaking. It doesn't take away the focus away from the story, but it could flow a lot better.
    For example: "Staring back at her dismayed reflection in the head-to-toe antique mirror, she tried desperately to make the obvious hole as inconspicuous as possible before her boyfriend Andy arrived, fumbling through a miscellaneous tangle of necklaces in her wooden jewelry box" is a bit awkward and could be rewritten as "She desperately tried to make the (insert adjective here - possibly garish? gargantuan?) hole as inconspicuous as possible before her boyfriend Andy arrived; fumbling through a miscellaneous tangle of necklaces in her wooden jewelry box, her dismayed reflection stared back from her antique mirror" though that might be too much of a revision for you...

    - "His smile was lopsided and endearing" could be rewritten as "His smile was lopsided, endearing." By taking out that "and," it makes it more fluid. Just something to consider for the future...

    - Your language is very proper when you're describing the situation but when you go into the dialogue, it's very...simple? The contrast is a little staggering, though again, it doesn't take my attention away from the story. I understand that it reflects their age, but it's like you're speaking to two different audiences - does that make any sense?

    Overall though, fabulous job and story. I am very glad that you entered and I wish you luck in the contest! Please treat my comments as suggestions and don't feel compelled to take them. I'm an english-teacher in the making and sometimes I can be too critical, and it's important to stick to your own style so don't feel like you have to change anything. I think you did a great job. Again, good luck!


  • geonigma
    March 24
    Edit | Reply

    nice

    cool story and thanks for the review

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • rinzu
    March 20
    Edit | Reply
    sometimes u dont need cocepts to write...good interesting read...

  • This is really good. I enjoyed reading it a lot. Keep writing.


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    March 18

    Edit | Reply
    very sad, emotional and well written. I enjoyed reading this. Good vocabulary and well written.
    In paragraphs 30 and 31, the character's name suddenly went from Andy to Adam so it confused me for a minute until I realized it was just typo mistakes.
    Didn't know if you noticed that, so figured I'd let you know

    Overall, great work and great read. Thanks for entering the contest

  • David-129Db
    March 16

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    I think you did very well. The story moved in time,meaning you didn't get bogged down with back story.

       Don't be so hard on yourself. One thing about writing is to write when the words come. Some are going to work and others you hang on to and add to when you feel something. I like to have 2 or 3 stories going unless one is flowing. I think you did fine.....David

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.

  • smallsuzi
    March 15

    Edit | Reply
    I think that was great and I am sorry you have been disqualified from the contests you enter because of the swearing.

    Even so, it was great!

  • Good story, but I really did not need to read this...
    lol


  • Emma Is Dying
    March 15

    Edit | Reply

    good

    I thought it was pretty good, considering that you mentioned it was rushed. It was kind of confusing how it switched all of the sudden, but I understand what you mean hahah. I do it all the time. I like how you describe things, and I like how Andy got his karma.
    Don't worry about the mushiness. I start laughing at my stuff most of the time XD

  • *sighs*

    The story was good, but unfortunatly you broke rule 1. I am afriad that I have to DQ you...But over all great story!


  • Rose Hathaway
    March 14

    Edit | Reply

    Why did you break the rules?....

    Im sorry, you seem to have ignored my contest rules in the fact that you have gone further than double the word limit!!! I am forced to DQ you.

  • mcfreeman
    March 13
    Edit | Reply

    I liked the realism of the plot...

    beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.


  • Zerstort
    March 12

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    I think that this was a sad, touching little story. I ended up feeling sorry for Eve in the end.

    --Aden

  • Wonderful

    You have such a unique descriptive style, it is hard not to be impressed. And, I'm sure you have been told this numerous times, but I am impressed. I rarely see the names of actual bones used in stories, so that surprised me...along with the way you described everything. I'd ask you how you do it, but I probably wouldn't get an answer...Ah well, this style belongs to you and you alone. Heh, now it is time for me to begin the actual review....

    Like I have already stated, I loved your descriptions--very original. They helped me form a good mental image of the characters

    A couple thing bugged me though. The first was your use of commas. This might be because of our difference in writing style, but there were some areas I thought were in need of a comma. For example: "With a click of the switch the recessed lighting overhead fluttered to life, revealing the kitchen's vast amenities." I think you could use a comma between switch and the, but once again, this might be due to a difference in style.

    The other thing, though, floored me. "...gathering up the strawberry dressing in the process, and brung it to his lips...". I believe brung should be brought. To me, it just makes more sense grammatically. Look it over if you get the chance. It's in paragraph 8, second line.

    Well, that's really all I have to say. I don't normally read romance/Young Adult, so I'm not sure I am qualified to critique the plot. It did keep me interested though, so it must have been good.

    I hope I helped, if even a little.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Kyndal Laran
    March 11
    Edit | Reply
    i absolutly loved it!!!

  • I Liked It

    I thought it was really good. You definitely got the point of karma across. I thought it was a great story.

  • LucidLakes
    March 11

    Edit | Reply
    I loved this write, it was so believable and very intriguing. I wasn't expecting the twist at the end. I feel sorry for him.
    But he is a cheater. (:


  • kaekay
    March 10

    Edit | Reply
    Wow... That was an amazing story! The beginning of the story was very detailed, I loved the vocabulary you used! Great job! This is an unforgettable story! The characters were so realistic, I felt their pain and I was very sympathetic...

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