Lucian and his father sat at the dining table, an aura of silence surrounding them. Lucian Sr. neatly cut his meat and speared his vegetables; while his son’s half-hearted stabs send them flying around the plate. As for his meat, we’ll do chickens all over the world a favour and not go into what happened to that. 1
“Are you sure you love this girl?” his father finally asked, his eyes with only the smallest glimmer of hope. Lucian nodded his head.2
“How did you meet her?”3
“I was out hunting and…”4
“What? You went hunting?” his father spluttered, nearly choking on his peas. Lucian nodded his head.5
“But darling, I’ve told you so many times before, hunting is only for the poor peasants…it’s not classy. I’ll tell you what is classy. Drinking a nice glass of businessman blood is classy, not that of some measly hobo you found wandering around the streets.”6
“Actually,” said Lucian, “she’s a forest hunter…”7
His father clutched his heart and cried dramatically, “Don’t tell me you fell in love with her when you saw her with animal blood dribbling down her chin!”8
“I did,” said Lucian, shamefully. 9
“Tsk, tsk,” his father went. “Well, I am no one to stop you, but you’re not going to bring that….that…peasant into my home, do you understand?”10
Lucian nodded, and then went to his room, had a little tearful time to himself, picked up his American Express, and went out into the big, bad world…11
What will happen to Lucian? Be posted for more!12
Author notes
Ok..so you might not really like it, but you finalized Crimson 6, so I'm like, might as well as post it
A contest entry
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Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Wow!
The opening is very good.The charectors are easy to relate to & the slight touches of humour & melo-dramaticism are amazing
I NEED 2 READ MORE!
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I feel like this should have been longer, I understand its part of a series but I just feel like it could have gone on a bit longer.
Good dialogue though I felt like it worked rather well. -
Lucian? Sweet name.
Love the description, particularly around the beginning. All your characters were different; not a single one of them blended in with the other which created an excellent plot and some minor tension. I liked the father - such a peace maker. Reminded me of mine.
Really great story *sigh* again. I'm running out of things to say. I'm sounding like a broken record. I just love your stories so much!
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This is a good written piece of work but you need to tell more of the story. Go into more detail of him meeting his lover, and why his father just doesn't like peasents more.
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Para 1: "stabs send" needs a "sent" in past tense.
Eh...the intro was nice. But then the father sort of...deplted the climax by beign all kindly. o__o He should've been a bit less calm and a lot more angry maybe? And the end didn't really do justice to the piece. He just...left...and it was way too fast paced, ya know?
"Had a little tearful time to himself" hardly depicts what Licuian felt. o__o Go deeeeep!
This seems very interesting and has a lot of potential.
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Well...not all father spout up in anger and rage...he's the calm and collected type who'll go all ooh and aah...
I don't want to go deep into this...it's just going to be this dark comedy miniseries for my own pleasure...thank you for commenting anyways, but you could say I'm writing more for myself...
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hmm this is a good beggining! i know its not meant to make me laugh, but i dunno why it did make me giggle a bit...lol but i feel bad for lucian. he seems like a nice guy whose been born into the wrong family!
anywyas good start, im interested to see where this goes!
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I liked it, it had an interesting beginning. I liked the humor you infused throughout it, and I'm interested in reading more :]
I don't know what kind of hunting they're talking about, with the businessmen blood and all, but I'm interested in finding out. Keep up the good work! ^^
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very good beginning here. I really have no suggestions to offer from what gerifitzsimmons already stated in their suggestions. I thought it was an interesting start and I look forward to seeing where you go with this. (is this a prologue?)
Anyways, good work.
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Good morning Doombunny
Thank you for the delightful read. Is this an opening chapter into your novel?
You write very well, the characters are easy to see and the action moves along smoothly. The touches of humor you have gives a natural effect to the piece
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I pick out a few things you might look at:
As for his meat, we’ll do chickens all over the world a favour (favor) and not go into what happened to that. 1
“Are you sure you love this girl?” his father finally asked, his eyes with (held not with) only the smallest glimmer of hope. Lucian nodded his head.2
“But darling, I’ve told you so many times before, hunting is only for the poor peasants…it’s not classy. I’ll tell you what is classy. Drinking a nice glass of businessman (’s) blood is classy, not that of some measly hobo you found wandering around the streets.”6 (dad calling a boy darling sounds weird. Otherwise great dialogue
His father clutched his heart and cried dramatically, “Don’t tell me you fell in love with her when you saw her with animal blood dribbling down her chin!”8 (What does papa call that poor chicken he’s devouring?)
Geri
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Nice beginning, though it ended way to soon. lol I can't wait to read more. Your descriptions are good and you have your characters down well, even though it is short. Excellent job
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Very nice! I`m sorry for Lucian. His father should have kept his mouth shut Anyway, good story and i`m waiting for more chapters.
beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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