The people who claim to be normal are the ones hiding the most secrets…1
When Namita Aggarwal came home from school, she didn’t arrive the way most teenagers did-casually swinging their bag, or happily saying “I’m home!” She usually came home shaking, crying, with her mother holding her stoically, not expressing any emotion whatsoever.2
“What Namita sees are hallucinations,” her psychologist had told her mother. “It is best not to keep her in stressful situations or places in which she is required to be lonely. It would be better if you retired from your job and took her somewhere she could have fun.”3
What he was trying to actually say was-“Your daughter is mentally unfit to do the things her peers do for society.”4
But Mrs. Aggarwal tried. She knew Namita had never taken her father’s death well, but she was determined a change of place would do her well. But she was on the verge of giving up then. She’d already written a resignation letter, and took up a part-time job so that she would have enough time to go to school early if required, and fetch Namita home after she had one of her ‘episodes.’5
As soon as Namita entered the house, she ran upstairs.6
“Namita!” Mrs. Aggarwal cried.7
Namita flopped herself on the bed, her tears wetting the blankets when suddenly the voice came.8
“Namita.”9
She looked at the mirror, hoping she would see only her own pretty reflection, which she did, but she also saw that of a deranged looking girl standing above her, her hair covering part of her eyes, the other part being white, as if she was the villain of a horror serial. Namita turned around with a yelp, and saw the girl staring down on her. She screamed, just when her mother opened the door.10
“Who’s there now?” asked Mrs. Aggarwal.11
“Angelica,” she said tearfully, naming another one of the phantoms she claimed to see. Mrs. Aggarwal looked around dubiously, and then sighed. “Go to sleep honey. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, okay?” She put the sobbing Namita to sleep, and then walked to her bedroom. She could do with a nap.12
Just when she was about to go to sleep and switch off the lamp light, another voice came. “Leena…” She looked fearfully at the mirror beside her bed to see a woman who looked exactly like the girl her daughter had seen earlier, the only difference being that she was the girl’s mother.
Author notes
Many thanks to Rorshach, one of his comments on a story of mine has majorly inspired me.
I chose the option about a suspense/horror story...
- Something In The Shadows group list • next in list
- Darkness Surrounds us group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Random Funk by Owen Aero.
450 points, ended May 1, 26 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Above and Beyond the Norm by SoundInkMusic.
900 points, ended March 14, 27 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - What makes the best Villan by Celestial Rose.
270 points, ended March 22, 16 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Story Contest #2 (Options) by VelvetWings.
350 points, ended April 10, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Why wolves Howl by Celestial Rose.
100 points, ended May 4, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Horror me Out of My Skin by Dual.Of.Fireflies.
106 points, ended May 23, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - the haunting? by Melli.
200 points, ended June 16, 7 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Very nice. You have a great beginning. A suggestion? Flesh out the emotions in this piece. Raw fear and terror are absolute in this story, and while you touch on it you do not dig quite deep enough. Well done.
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That was so cool! I've never read or heard anything like it before. Clearly this family has issues lol
It ended a little suddenly for my liking but perhaps that was your intention. If not, please write more, I really enjoyed this story.
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OMG!
Woa. That was amazing. -
I like this. you could do more with it...it kinda feels like a cliff hanger. But either way, it's well written
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hello, and thank you for entering my contest.
Overall, I was interested in the story but it did seem a little unfinished. The beginning was far more interesting than the ending; I was drawn in but I felt unsatisfied when finished.
In paragraph 2 there is a little redundancy:
"with her mother holding her stoically, not expressing any emotion whatsoever."
->You needn't have 'stoically' and 'not expressing any emotion' in the same sentence; they're both saying the same thing.
And in paragraph 5:
"She knew Namita had never taken her father’s death well, but she was determined a change of place would do her well."
Too many wells. You could do well to remove one, or rephrase the second half of the sentence.
If you were to expand on this story I should really like to read it! Please tell me if you ever do.
Cheers and good luck in my contest.
~Sparrow -
This was pretty interesting! Good job! Keep up the good work!
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Very interesting and would love to see more with this. Your writing style is good. The only 'flaw' I really saw is just more of a suggestion: put a space before and after your dashes.
Kind of short and would have liked to have seen more emotional description of her fear, but really, overall great work. I enjoyed this immensly
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Nice story. I think also there`s something pretty wrong about that family. *Me want to read more *
beginning: 3, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, characters: 5.
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Wow. This was impressive. I can see there is something majorly wrong with that house or family-it's not just the daughter seeing things, its also the mom! Great job.
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Really great work - and you're only 12!
Although I didn't really think the end was particularly effective, the beginning really grabbed my attention. Well written, and a good read! I hope there's more to come!
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 2, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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sc-c-aa-aaaaaaar-r-yyyy
Wow, that's pretty interesting. I liked it, because I like horrors. Just remember that when it's the opposite of the word "on" it's "off", like in when Namita's mother went to switch of(f) the lamp light before retiring for the day, but else, it was very good and I'm sure it was just a typing error. I desperately want to read mooooooooore(:
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Interesting, though it felt rather inconclusive. Still, a fairly well told story, and one that made me want to know more about what was happening to both the girl and her mother.
Thank you for entering, and good luck with the contest. -
Not bad, especially for someone your age. This peeked my interest, but honestly I would like to see more. Good job, and please let me know if you write any more on this subject. Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck.
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I am very impressed with such skill at your age! And it is wonderful that you have taken to your writing so young. I only wish I had, and given myself more years of practice.
This story was wonderful, the only problem was that I wanted to read more! It would be great to see this turned into something longer and have all the possibilities explored.
Again, congratulations! I wish you well, although I don't believe you need it with your skillfulness!
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Nicely done ^^ And to think you're only 12
I didn't see very many mistakes in this, so well done!
I agree with the comment below, you could make this longer. You have quite a good idea here, and I would like to see you develop it even more.
Perhaps you could describe the fear, how it affects her.
Anyway, great job ^^
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Very short... But good. Really you could have made it longer, it would be awesome...! I'm not saying that as a "It stinks!" I'm only saying that as a sudgestion, because the story was quite good.
People say, "A short story, can't be a story. Because it's to short to have a storyline." But I think a story doesn't always need a storyline... Anyway enough of my jabber...
This was really good, hopefully you will get more positive comments from the "featured stories."
Goodluck,
~ Dream♥
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Nice story
Very nice for such a short story.
You did good!
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a dream
expressed well
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