Sailing Away to the Moon


 1

Emily was an ordinary girl with a very special friend. Her Papa was a kindly man with more creases on his face than cracks on a desert plain; when he smiled, she loved nothing more than to try to smooth them out with her fingers. 2

They spent every Sunday afternoon together, sitting on the bank of the creek at the back of her home. They talked and made things. No matter what they did, Emily would always laugh, happiness bubbling in her like warm soda drunk too fast.3

She watched her Papa now as he made a paper boat. She smiled as his fingers smoothed the paper, each fold slowly forming the shape. With a quick flick of his wrists, the paper shape flipped inside out. 4

“What shall we call her?” he asked, as he held it out to her in the palm of his hand.5

Emily stood thinking for a moment. “Can’t I just sail it, Papa?” she asked, eager to place the boat in the creek.6

“Every boat needs a name,” he replied.7

Emily stuck a blonde curl in her mouth and sucked on it as she scrunched her eyes to think. “Emily!” she exclaimed. “Oh, you must name it that, Papa!”8

Papa grinned. “There is no name more beautiful.”9

She squealed with laughter as she snatched the paper boat from his hands and ran to the creek. Without waiting for him to catch up, she placed it on the water and watched as it raced away.10

As it disappeared around the bend, she looked back to where her Papa should have been standing beside her.

.
.
.11

Five days later – on her sixth birthday – Emily crept through the lounge room where everyone wore black and no one smiled. Every other birthday had been filled with balloons, and gifts, and colour and laughter. And her Papa. It confused Emily.12

They told her that Papa was sick, and then that he had gone away. Emily’s lip trembled. Why would Papa go away on her birthday?13

Her Auntie Lynn, a skinny woman with a bony face, drew Emily to her. “He’s in a much better place,” she whispered, hugging her close enough that Emily could smell spearmint and roses.14

Tears ran down Emily’s face as she pulled away. “Why couldn’t he wait until after my birthday?” she demanded loudly. 15

Faces turned to her and whispers stilled.16

Auntie Lynn crouched down in front of Emily. “He didn’t know he had to go. But he’ll always watch over you.”17

“How?” Emily glanced around the room, trying to catch sight of her Papa, but she couldn’t see him.18

“He went to Heaven. I bet he’s watching you right now.”

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19


20

21


Later that night, after everyone had left, Emily lay in her bed. She stared at the ceiling. What good was it if Papa could see her, but she couldn’t talk to him? She threw her blankets off and jumped out of bed. After pausing to grab Ernest, she tiptoed to her window. 22

With her teddy bear under one arm, she gazed out the window and up at the dark sky. Wisps of clouds floated like pale candy-floss and stars sparkled around the moon.23

Crawling onto the window seat, she pushed the window open and a gust of wind blew across her face. “Papa?”24

No answer came, but another puff of air ruffled her curls. 25

“Why’d you go?”26

More wind blew. Leaves swirled on the breeze, dancing to their own tune. 27

Emily sighed and lifted her hand to pull the window shut. As she swung it, a flash of white caught her eye.28

“Papa!” 29

The paper boat cartwheeled in the gust of wind, riding the swell of air like the waves of the sea. It dipped and swirled, sometimes looking like it might tumble to the ground, but always righting itself.30

Emily grinned and pushed her hand through the open window, wishing that the boat would sail closer. Just when she thought her fingers would close around it, the boat darted away. Upset, she stuck out a trembling bottom lip. 31

The boat idled in the breeze as if it knew how sad she was, before tumbling toward her again. 32

Emily leaned forward, reaching out as far as she could, willing her fingers to snag the edge of the paper boat.33

Just as her fingers closed around the prize, she lost her balance and fell.
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34

.35

.36


37

38


She and Ernest landed with a soft scrunch on something that swayed. Emily sat up and looked around. White stretched out below her and to the sides, but above her stars nested against deep blue. She crawled to a side and peeked over.39

Her eyes widened when she saw her house far below, and she hugged Ernest tighter. She looked away and up at the stars. She shut her eyes and whispered, “I want to see Papa.”40

As if knowing what she desired, the boat rocked and swayed, chasing the leaves into the clouds. Emily opened her eyes as the boat crested a bank of fluffy clouds, bobbing up and down as it sailed the ocean of the sky.41

She sat against the end of the boat and hung onto the sides as the boat chartered its course. It soon left the clouds and tissue sails sprung up from the paper sides, billowing as the wind caught them. Soon the moon grew in size; first, the size of a dinner plate, then a beach ball and then so huge that Emily needed to twist her head from side-to-side to see it all. 42

“Emily.”43

She smiled when she heard his voice.44

“I came to see you, Papa.”45

As the boat stilled, he reached down and hugged her. “You brought the boat, I see.”46

Emily snuggled into his shoulder, breathing deeply. He still smelled the same – crisp apples and soap and the smoke that swirled from his pipe. She sighed. “You missed my birthday.”47

“I travelled to the end of my road, Emily, and needed to start on a new journey.”48

She lifted her face to him. “What do you mean?”49

“We live and then we die. We all have a path to walk. But the Lord gives us another. I will wait for you along this one and we shall walk it together.”50

“You promise?”51

“I promise. But you must go – you have your own path to walk,” he replied, touching his fingers to her face and shutting her eyes. He kissed her lightly on the forehead. “Goodbye Emily.”52

“Bye, bye, Papa,” she whispered as she fell asleep.
.
.
.53


Next morning she woke, cocooned in her patchwork quilt, a paper boat clutched in her hand, with a smile stretching from one blonde ringlet to another.
54

Author notes

This is my first attempt at writing in the children's genre. This is aimed specifically (as per contest requirements) at the 10 years and under age group, however, to make it that little bit more challenging, the target audience for this piece is 5-8 years old.

Inspiration comes from the title as provided by the contest, but I also tried to come up with a story line that could be illustrated. All images used were either sketched or created by myself specifically for this story. As for many children's stories for this age group, I also included a 'life lesson' as the moral of the story.

I'm Aussie, so some 'spelling' errors will be due to regional differences. However, I am always open to constructive criticism, so should you see anything that you think I should be made aware of, please don't hesitate to leave a comment.

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 43 of 43
  • That was so cute. I love it but I think t would have to be aimed for older readers because of the way it flows. It is a lovely little story and I think it would make a good picture book.

  • A sweet story. I loved the way it transitions so smoothly from reality to 'fantasy'. Beautiful, but it may be a little to sophisticated for my seven-year-old.


  • Asfand
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, this was very sweet. I loved the vivid description, especially how you encaptured Emily and her innocence. Wonderful characterization! I loved the entire theme too, it was very emotional and the way you wrote the prose was light-hearted and gentle.

    I have nothing to critique. It was lovely!

    Excellent work!

  • Oh that was so sweet. I loved the story line and it was very touching. I was really worried when you said she fell from her window and then met with her papa because I thought she had died. It all worked out well though and I thought it was a very good story. Good luck in my contest!


  • tonialoise
    June 23

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    Sorry, I didn't want anything to do with death at all in my contest. While I'm sure this is a sweet story I couldn't get past the first section. I will try to come back and read this when I'm a bit more stable.


  • cole3313
    May 23

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    Awww this was actually really sad...but good! ireally enjoyed it.


  • Myryca
    May 8

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    This was a nice tale but not a fairy tale. Forgive me for removing it from my contest.

    I'm a bit sceptical about it being a children's story - especially for really young children - but I don't know anything about children's stories really and no one else seems to have a problem with it so I'll shut up about that.

    The only criticism I have is that there's no real mention of what happened when Emily looked back and her Papa was gone. It felt to me like he'd just disappeared - something which doesn't happen unless maybe he fell off a cliff or into the water or something. It's obvious later on that he died but wouldn't Emily have run back to look for him or something and then seen him on the ground after he'd just had a heart attack or whatever it was that he died from?

    Perhaps you left that out because you're targeting children but it still felt really odd to me to have him just disappear and then turn up dead, if you get what I mean.

    Apart from that it was a good write and a good story. Quite touching. I noticed that some people commented about not liking the whole heaven aspect but that's probably because they have something against God themselves. I'm glad you didn't change it because of them

  • OMG, that was wonderful! I'm so happy you entered my contest! You have a VERY good chance at winning, we'll have to see what others do!

  • This was such a beautiful story! It had death, so it wasn't exactly rated G, but I loved it just the same!


  • Lonesome Dove
    April 14

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    Very beautiful story. It kinda gave me that warm fuzzy feelin inside. I loved your description and imagery as I could see this story unfold before my eyes. Even though this is not a genre you usually write, you have done and amazing job. Keep up the fabulous writing.


  • Keirii
    March 29

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    Oh, I loved this!!!

    That childlike genre is so much fun to read. Thanks so much for entering and good luck!!!


  • annemarie
    March 27

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    I liked this piece but one thing I would suggest is to start with the father handing the boat to her.

    “What shall we call her?” (Emily's father) asked, as he held (the paper boat he had just made) out to her in the palm of his hand.

    Then I would use the second paragraph describing Emily and her father as the second paragraph. A lot of the suggestions I have received say to start with an action or dialogue and then move onto descriptions.

    This is just a suggestion though

    I liked it it was a sweet story


  • ice wolf Greeters member
    March 27

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    Awwww. this made me cry Judith. This is a beautiful story and I'm glad that Emily got to see her papa one more time. You're really good at childrens stories. Great writing and good luck in the contest.


  • Maggie Kay
    March 20

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    This is such a sweet story and written very well. very enjoyable and im sure many young girls would love it too
    Thanks so much for entering


  • ShadyWilbury
    March 15

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    Marvellous

    Beautiful writing...made me get a little misty, and I'm not usually prone to that. “We live and then we die. We all have a path to walk. But the Lord gives us another. I will wait for you along this one and we shall walk it together.”50 These lines could bring comfort to anybody faced with a significant loss, not just young children. This has certainly brought some peace for me. Thank you!

  • A beautiful story. Usually this isn't my type, but it was impossible for me not to enjoy this.


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    March 14

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    *clears throat*

    Ok. Let me be one to admit that, though I'm not a child, I still read children's literature. I can't help it sometimes.

    So, to be as open and honest as possible, I truly believe that this is a remarkable, timeless piece from someone who usually dabbles in the opposite spectrum of this genre. In other words, I believe you can write anything you set your mind to.

    I wish I were that way.

    Well done and thanks a ton for entering this in my contest.


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    March 13

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    I think this was very beautifully written and have only a couple of small points.
    P22 Even though you've stated Ernest wa a bear in the next sentence, children in your intended age group need to know what he is when you mention him the first time.
    P24 We know hat floss is, but most children won't.
    P40 and 41 Children in the age group you've chosen will need to know she fell in the boat at the beginning of this section.

    Your descriptions were great and I read some to my four year old who was very interested in the part where Papa and Emily were sitting by the creek and making things. And I noticed she bit her bottom lip when Emily fell.

    I have not gotten my eldest to read it yet, but will this weekend. Getting her to sit still if a chore somethimes.

    Again will done.
    Brooke


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    March 13

    Edit | Reply
    sweet and beautiful tale woven here. I think that it would certainly capture children's attention. I wasn't a big fan of the religious aspect of it... but hey, its your story and it would still work well with a large target audience. The message behind it was beautiful and inspirational. For your first attempt at writing in this genre, I thought you did a very good job, though.

    Write on

    Love,
    Pixie

  • Dear TB,

    I enjoyed this very much. And from the number of comments, others liked it too. I think you possess a blooming talent for children’s stories.

    As a mom of 2 (ages 7 and 10), I read a lot of children’s literature, and this is good. I could imagine the beautiful illustrations that would accompany it (I imagine black and white penciled drawings with only a subtle blues shaded in for the water, sky, sail, and the name on the boat--minimal). The sentence structure is effective in its simplicity, the pace appropriate, and your imagery provided perfectly simple yet vivid descriptions. I especially like “happiness bubbling in her like a warm soda drunk too fast” and “cocooned in her patchwork quilt.”

    As a past provider of mental health to children, I appreciate your taking on grief issues. The story talks about death an appropriate, respectful way. Death being a natural part of life and a journey in itself are good simple messages for a sad, confused child. It’s great to me that Emily’s teacher ends up being her dead Papa and not her present family. It makes the dead less scary and affirms that he will always be with her is some way.

    It would be interesting to me to see you take out the religious reference in para 50. Religion is implied in a lot of what you wrote, but this is the only time you overtly mention GOD. I think without this specific reference, your story might hold a different (more universal) appeal or embrace a slightly different audience. –then again, it may be important to you---you just did such a good job without the religiosity that I wonder why you included it this one time.

    Only one other comment to consider and ignore is my thought that you may have one too many characters. Too many can confuse a child and your story is short (in a good way). By naming “Ernest”, you make him human, and he is sort of irrelevant to the plot. He doesn’t seem to offer Emily comfort (her Papa does that), and his role in her journey is not necessary. You might consider returning him back into a generic sort of bear with no name. Another option would be to make Auntie Lynn (I love her peppermint smell, by the way. Don’t all obscure relatives smell this way?!) less real, nameless, and more of a no one/any man who says the wrong thing to Emily.

    Anyway…just some thoughts I felt like sharing. I want to say again, how good this is…just as it is. I look forward to reading more.
    CN

    PS—Excuse my overuse of the work “simple” in this text. “Simple” is good. “Simple” is appropriate. Simplicity is best in children's literature, especially with such a complicated subject matter.


  • Asonine
    March 11
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    Not my type but it was well written.


  • Tricia3 gold member
    March 11

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    I loved it

    It sounded so natural, as if a child was narrating. A wonderful job. And the paper boat added so much.
    I'm so glad she got to tell her poppa goodbye.
    Trish

  • Hello.

    Of course, I shall not read any of the comments below...so rest assured, these are only my comments.
    First, I am a little confused as to the age group at which this is aimed. More on this in a moment.
    I should like to say, that I truly loved what I read...up until the kid fell. Where she fell I was not sure (onto the floor? out the window? off the bed?)
    I felt the story was complete, beautifully written and COMPLETE...at several points.
    And I loved it. Then...you got into some strange stuff. Heaven...puffs of clouds...talking dead people (when you didn't need to...you already had Papa speak through the mysteriously floating boat (whatever floats your boat!). Cynical me, I didn't think you needed Emily's trip to "heaven"...I didn't think you need for her to converse with Papa...who told her things she (through her POV) would NOT have known. So, what you were doing was imparting this specious information to the child reader. It is THIS to which I object most strenuously. It's a bit of brain-washing.
    Let's try to leave all the mumbo-jumbo to the young reader's imagination. The story was nice and gentle and lovingly done without all this. I'd leave it out. Please re-think it. The rest of it is quite fine and needs NO embellishment...no "heavenly" explanations from the talking dead. The floating boat...difficult as this was to swallow, would have been enough. In fact, I would certainly finesse the "fall."...and you could do better than a "dream" sequence. You didn't need a dream. Why all the extra embellishment?
    What can I say...the piece was lovely without all that. Why ruin it with "stuff?"
    Other than that, I loved it!
    GA


  • DoozerDan silver member
    March 11

    Edit | Reply
    Heh, very nice. A touching tale - well told and enjoyable. From what I can remember of children's books I've read the language in this is fine. Not overly descriptive, but the right sort to capture a child's imagination (in my opinion). The story was fast enough that I doubt the average eight year old would get bored. Unless they happened to be one of today's eight year olds, who like Xbox and don't touch books... the boys at any rate...

    Well, I liked it.


  • Cajun.Lullaby
    March 11

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    This is a delightful story combining all aspects of Faith, Hope, and Love - there is no greater beauty. I agree with Elisabeth: if you are going to name the teddy bear Ernest, state that directly as opposed to having her grab Ernest and then hug the bear.

    While your story might be directed to a younger target audience, I enjoyed it just as much. The imagery was wonderful and the message in this inspirational story is sure to touch hearts young and old.

    Beautifully cast! Keep up the great work!

    ~Rainy.


  • Elisabeth gold member
    March 11

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    A lovely story of faith and love. If you're aiming at the very young readers, consider attaching 'Ernest' to the teddy bear she is hugging at the window - the kids are going to ask his name anyway, if its being read to them.

    I think in Para 42 'chartered' should be 'charted'

    It is a gentle, inspiring story and a credit to you



    Lis.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • Edman
    March 10

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    Beautiful. It might be intended for children, but I enjoyed every bit of it. Lovely, if not a little bit sad.


  • Tiger-Lily
    March 10

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    Aww, this rings to mien one word: ADORALE!

    I loved this, sweet and simple but enjoyable in its own way. Poor Emily though!

    From experience of having siblings in this target age range, the language was great! Descriptive yet normal enough to not bore them. I like how you made the text HUGE. The background too, adds a fairy-tale-bedtime theme.

    The man on the moon, huh? Nice little addition there.

    Very nicely done. I'll see f I can get my younger brother to read this. He's eight!

    ♥ HT

  • Amazing...

    If you created all those images, then you're truly a gifted artist. They brought life to the story, although the piece spoke for itself. I really liked the concept and the fact that it was a children's story. The description and imagery made for a fantastical, ethereal read. Not only was this creative, but it sent a great message about life and death, and cherishing the precious moments you have with loved ones.

    Great write, seriously.

  • SandhyaSuri gold member
    March 10

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    This is such a beautiful story and the effort you have put in with the illustrations is quite remarkable. Definitely one of my favourites so far.
    Good luck with the contest and thank you for your entry.
    Cheers
    Sandy


  • artaq gold member
    March 9

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    First I have to say I love the background of stars Awesome!!
    I loved paragraph 8, 25-28 the most.. you really capture the emotions of a child.. I think it is just right for the age....the language does not talk down to them and challenges just a little which is good.
    The only thing I could find was maybe paragraph three could flow just alittle more smoothly.....?
    Otherwise I think it is really good and would lend well to drawings.... Plus it adds a demention of dealing with loss...
    Sorry this was so long but your story was so good..

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • ablelaz silver member
    March 9

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    Near perfect

    I don`t consider myself an expert on children`s stories, but I could find nothing wrong with this piece. As to wether it will grab a childs imagination I don`t know, but can`t see why not. Near perfect and I rarely hand out aclades.In this case you`ve earn them.
    Talk to you soon---ablelaz.

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.


  • Lawrie gold member
    March 9

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    This is a wonderful childrens story and it reminds me in many ways of various nursery rhymes insofar as there is sadness, happiness and education all rolled into one huge ball of words. In this case the ball of words comes out as a well written story showing the emotions a child goes through when someone they love 'disappears' from his/her life.

    The emotions are clearly shown and the descriptive passage dealing with the funeral are vivid enough for me to believe I was actually in the room.

    A wonderful story with plenty of imagery and emotion which should rest cosily ina child's fertile memory.

    Thanks for sharing

    Lawrie

  • truetoblue4
    March 9
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    Very good beginning! It grabbed my attention


  • Cupcake14
    March 9

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    Well, the story was 'different', but I guess, I've read too many stories to really like it. I couldn't really feel for both of the characters, and I'm the kind who really needs to get inside the story for me to cry over it, or at least get touched over it. But assuming you just wanted to provide a good story, it was a good story because I've never read a bad piece of yours.


  • iPoopAThug
    March 9

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    Wow

    This was really good. Besides just the large font, this did seem very much like a kids story. I liked the ideas behind it and I love how you captured the mindset of a child and the smoothing the wrinkles thing along with the sudden loss of her Papa. It was a really sweet and touching story.

  • I cried

    because I felt her sadness, the anguish, and I felt the dread and my own fears of losing my father. This also reminded me of my paternal grandfather - I would "pester" him and, possibly to appease my childhood curiosity, he would take me to this "basement thing" where his private stash of Spanish and Japanese articles and relics were kept. When he died last 1994, my aunt did not do a great job maintaining the ancestral home..

    But anyway, back to your piece. This is beautiful, possibly, when I get a child of my own and when you publish this piece, I will read it to her, so that she will better understand and grasp that people die, but that doesn't mean they have completely left or forgotten us. My heart broke when I realized they were holding his funeral on her birthday. It's one of the saddest things to happen to anyone.

    I'm still crying, haha, but these are now happy tears.
    Thanks so much for sharing this, glad I got that off my chest

    P.S. I was so moved, I didn't even realize (not until my second reading) you had me, SODA, in it hahahhahhaah!


    • tallblondie gold member
      March 9
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      *shakes her head* One would hope that people don't go around clutching a long cold glass of you...

      I'm glad you liked it - and that the ending was happy.


  • Lithron
    March 9

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    Very good. I think you captured the child's perception well, and, considering the differences in spelling, the few things I noticed were just regional differences. While I haven't read any of you other work, I can say that you are a good children's writer, espicialy since this is your first children's story. Keep up the good work, thanks for sharing, and have fun!


  • Valkyrie silver member
    March 8

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    Ohh yes, a new genre for blondie. I think you did a bang-up job on this! It's full of the senses, as any child's world is, and I love that you did the pics yourself. That's amazing.
    Your language and situations seem appropriate for your target audience. I really felt captivated by the paper boat in the last section. Its crinkliness made it so real.

    Great job on your foray into another genre, really. Your talents are multitudinous!

  • NightVixen
    March 8

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    You do surprise me! I have read some of your other stories. You write horror so well, and now...you are a very versatile writer! This story is so sweet and heartwarming. The descriptions are rich and flowing. You took a very sad subject and turned it into something warm and beautiful. You are such a talented writer. I'm always amazed by your work.

    • tallblondie gold member
      March 8
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you!

      Part of my continual 'growth' as a writer is to attempt every genre, style and method of writing at least once, since I believe that constantly challenging myself is the best way to improve. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

  • I liked how you described Emily's happiness as "bubbling in her like warm soda drunk too fast." I felt sorry for her when Papa died... And when you said Auntie Lynn smelled of spearmint and roses, it made the story seem more alive. I'm used to seeing stories describe appearances and sounds, but descriptions of smells are a bit less common. ^^ The pictures you used are cute, too. I especially liked the one of Emily in bed, looking out the window.

    Your descriptions were done very nicely, such as "above her stars nested against deep blue." They sounded pretty. It was a great idea to have the paper boat become something she could actually sail in -- through the sky, no less. The "life lesson" was knit in beautifully, and over all, this is a very touching story. I'm glad Emily was happy at the end, and I think this is something that young children would be able to enjoy. Keep writing! =)

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