Lives of Mayhem(Conclusion)

Monday, February 13th 20051

It’s almost been a month since I’ve been stuck in this hellhole.  Dr. Zannier took me into his office for private sessions because I never say a word in our group discussions.  Why should I let people I have grown to like find out about my life?  I have been prescribed antidepressants and I am being forced to take them twice daily.  I am not looking forward to taking them either.  Dr. Zannier told me to speak my mind and asked me a lot of annoying questions, like, “How have you been feeling lately?  Do you ever think of hurting yourself?  Have you ever hurt yourself?  How many times?  Are you thinking of killing yourself?  How?”  I thought these questions were very stupid and I ignored most of them, which didn’t seem to bother Dr. Zannier at all.  2

“Ayden, talk to me as you would talk to a friend”3

“I don’t have any friends”4

Dr. Zannier impishly smiled, “Now you do.”5

It really touched me to know that someone actually cared for me…  He smiled again.6

“I’m not going to promise that everything will be alright, and I’m not going to promise that everything that is said here will be confidential since it may require medical assistance if it is a severe problem.” 7

I gazed around the confined space in the garnet coloured office and nodded slowly.  I lifted my arm to scratch my head when Dr. Zannier whispered, 8

“Have you ever thought about or attempted self-mutilation?  You know, inflicting pain on yourself?”  9

His gaze followed my wrists as I slowly rested them onto my lap.  I remained quiet for a minute, wondering whether or not I should tell him my true feelings and why I ripped at my arms and tried to feel better. 10

Just as Dr. Zannier was about to say something, words flew out of my mouth without my own realization.  They pounded their way through my skull and reached my voice box where they hollered to be heard.  11

“Yes, I hurt myself-- I like the blood-- I love the pain-- It makes me happy.  When I was in the hospital after my friends died in a car accident, I yanked the monstrous IV from my arms twice before the doctors restrained me.  I got a piercing because I wanted to feel the rush and I got two matching tattoos down each side of my back because the pain felt extraordinary.  I like to draw blood from myself, and my faithful razor helps me scratch through my flesh to reach the cherry center.  I also help my mental anguish through the taste of blood.  I bite down on the inside of my cheeks until pieces of skin are dislodged and blood runs through my senses.”12

Dr. Zannier seemed happy with my explanation and sympathized by explaining information about this topic.13

“Many individuals perform self-mutilation Ayden, you’re not alone.  Many individuals find release from their emotional pain by inflicting physical pain on themselves—it becomes like an addiction”14

“When you cut or harm yourself, it releases endorphins in the brain, which act like opiate; a narcotic or sedative…the good feelings that endorphins produce can have an addictive quality in some people.  That is why tattoos and piercing have recently become so popular.  Self-mutilation can develop into a habit, like you have described.  This habit can leave not only scars on your skin, but also leave scars within your memories or even in your brain.”15

I looked at him for a moment and asked if I could retreat to my room.  I was extremely tired, but he tried to push more answers out of me, which I ceased to keep hidden.16

Soon he walked me to my room and watched me crawl beneath my sheets and into the comfort of my bed…sleep, my escape from watchful eyes, daytime and psychiatric drugs, it is my sedative for happiness.17

Tuesday, February 14th 200618

WORST DAY EVER!19

VALENTINES DAY UGH!20

Today is Valentine’s Day, thank you Jim Carrey for explaining the greatest truth ever about this wretched day as Joel in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.  “Valentine’s Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap”.  Crap, that is exactly how I feel…21

Phoenix and Murray have been together all day while I mope around this place in search of some kind of happiness.  These drugs they got me on make me feel nuts.  I even made Kerri a card for today and refrained from brining it to her because I thought it would be really lame.  I feel like I am constantly floating and like I am no longer in my own body.  It is like an out of body experience, I feel as though I am on the outside looking in rather than on the inside looking out.  I feel like I’m in a fantasy, like everything is a childish game.  22

Every time I look at someone I see emptiness, every time I try to think this feeling over powers my thoughts.  I want these drugs to leave me alone.  They’re stalking me and once they’ve finally worn off, they are forced to come and stalk me again.  Nurses pry these evil pills into my body and watch me while I swallow the creatures that, enter my soul nibble on my brain, and suck my thoughts dry.  I want them to stop pushing my thoughts away, I feel like I am going insane.  23

Tears fall from my eyes when I’m not even sad, hands grasp my mind and squeeze out the excess thoughts and turn them into mush, and hang them out to dry.  I’m getting sucked into fantasy, rather than living in reality.  I want to make these childish games end, before my brain grows dependent and I lose my self-identity, before they push away, me.24

Shadows cast away my lonely heart25

Obscurity swallows me whole26

Unafraid of unicorn blood or wizard spells27

Dragon flames or goblin smiles28

Hollow mind and empty fears29

Lead me to my fantasy30

Tuesday, February 16th 2006    31

I sit in my room lost within these drugs.  I am getting pulled away from my memories.  I no longer have the energy to rise from my seat and go see my “new friends”.  I feel like shit… I just want someone to shoot me in the head.  Demented things are running through my mind, I see clouds and skies of pink.  I am so lost within my mind.  I just want to open up my brain, wash out my skull, and dump out all the shit they are shoving down my throat.  I want to scream, but I feel as though I will burst if I say or whisper one word.  I pick up my pen and scribble down words and phrases meshing in with one another because I can no longer think my own thoughts; instead I think thoughts of someone else. I don’t remember who I am anymore.  “Who is Ayden Shadows?”  I hear my mind repeat over and over again.  Who am I, why can’t I remember my life?  All I remember are these tiny pills seeping through my body and taking over “Ayden”.  32

Noises, all over.  Can’t sleep.  Sitting awake.  Hands are shaking.  Want to smash something.  My life is over.  I am being sucked away from reality.  My tears soak this page.  I feel so hurt.  I feel so alone.  I want to cry.  I want to die.   Save me from myself.  I’m losing my mind.  33

I now understand insanity.  My eyes are peering out of the window bearing heavenly light.  My savior has come.    34

Wednesday, February 17th 2006    35

“Ayden. Ayden,” the nurse called to me—as I searched for words.  I looked up at her and tried to smile but she cast down a look of concern. 36

“Are you alright honey? Is something wrong”37

“No, um no, I’m…I’m fine… just a little tired,” I lied.38

“Ok dear, Murray was wondering if you wanted any visitors.  There is a group of them out there waiting for my word,” nurse Mandy replied with a kind smile upon her cheek.  39

My head throbbed so much that when I nodded I felt like my head was going to fall off of my neck and roll to the floor.  Nurse Mandy nodded in response and Murray, Phoenix, and surprisingly, Kerrigan, all swarmed in.  I smiled trying to hide the effects of the cruel pills.  Murray looked around my room and noticed that I hadn’t eaten my lunch.  He grabbed a big piece of toast and shoved it into his gaping mouth.  He gulped down my milk, wiped his mouth and smirked.40

“Thanks man, I needed some food.”41

I gawked at him and said nothing.  My words were caught by my sudden urge to vomit.  My stomach was twisting in every which way.  Kerrigan’s eyes dug a hole into my body as she shot me glances.  I wanted to rip her eyes out so she would never look at me again.  I felt used, I felt like I was a picture hanging on the wall; a showcase item that everyone is welcomed to look at.  She mocked me with her eyes as Murray and Phoenix gabbed into my ears.  I snapped out of it when Murray practically screamed, “Ayden. What the fuck is wrong with you?  Why are you being so damn gay?” 42

“MURRAY!”  Phoenix shouted, “Ayden are you ok?  Is something wrong?”43

Kerrigan turned away with a guilt stricken look on her face and whispered,  “It’s me, maybe I’ll just go- - I guess I will see you guys later”  44

Kerrigan sulkily headed to the door and slowly trudged down the lonely hallway towards her room. 45

Murray stared at me and looked at Phoenix.  He abruptly stood up and walked out the door calling behind him, “Ayden that was fucking rude, you hurt her goddamn feelings you jerk.”  46

I looked at Phoenix and she looked back at me.  I tried to relax my tense feelings when Phoenix said slowly, “Ayden we’ve noticed that you’re holding back from us?  What’s up?  Did we do something?”47

I looked at Phoenix and smirked.  “Ayden snap out of it!  What the hell is wrong with you lately?  First you and Kerri stop talking and then you just throw us away like we’re dirt.  That isn’t a way to treat your friends!”  48

“Friends?” I questioned as Phoenix nodded in response.  I started laughing uncontrollably but than pulled myself together again.  49

“I…I…I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel so out of it.  I feel so alone.  I think I’m just homesick, that’s all.  I’m really sorry.  I thought Kerrigan was angry with me.  I care for her, but I don’t know what I did to deserve her rejection.  I just want to be alone Phoenix, please?”50

“I don’t think so buddy, you’ve been alone way too much lately.  We’re gonna stick right by your side through whatever is pissin’ you off.  Don’t trip bud, but if you do we’ll be there to catch you.  You should really apologize to Kerri, I’m sure that really hurt her.  You’re not the only person in this world, so for one minute stop thinking about yourself and your pain, think about the people around you and get your mind off of pain… look at your friends, and think about how you’re affecting them… we’re equals.”51

I looked at her and tried to understand what she was saying to me.  I never think about myself, I’m always thinking about others.  I want to be with others, not alone.  I just don’t want to be alone anymore.  My mother pushed me away, my sister pushed me away, and heaven is pushing me away by not letting me die. 52

I cried as Phoenix kept rambling on about everyone, and how they have been doing lately.  53

I lay down on my bed and listened to her voice while I fought back the sleep that was trying to wrap its arms around me. Instead insomnia pulled me towards its grasp and cradled me until Murray came flying into my room.       54

“Hey fuck faces, what’s going on?”  Murray whispered while holding back his “Obnoxious laughter”.  55

Phoenix smiled at him and patted the bed next to where she sat.  Murray sat down and looked at me.  He explained how Kerri felt like she was unimportant to me and that she couldn’t stand being away from me.  She was crying in her room when Murray ran after her, and she said she couldn’t take it anymore.56

“Ayden, maybe you should go and talk to Kerri,” Phoenix suggested.  57

“Yeah, I will…eventually,” I answered with little emotion, “I’m really tired guys, can you just leave me alone?  I want to be alone?  Please?”58

Phoenix and Murray exchanged glances, got up, and rushed out of my room saying a friendly goodbye.59

Friday, February 19th 2006    60

The days go by slow.  I tried to talk to Kerri yesterday but she blocked me out.  She is so frustrating sometimes.  It hurts so much to see her so unhappy.  I want to kiss away her pain and wrap my arms around her and tell her that she isn’t alone.  Maybe when this happens, I won’t feel alone either.  I haven’t taken my pill yet today.  When I do I will no longer be able to write or act like myself.  I try to stay up all night just so I can be myself, but no one is around to hear me or see me doing this.  This is so crazy, why are people given pills to hide who they really are?  I feel so stupid and lost, I feel like my IQ has dropped a hundred million percent.  Maybe “I” do think about my self too much.  Maybe Phoenix is right, but I can’t help it.  Everything in this life is just so shitty and horrible.  It is five o’clock in the morning.  My pill will be here in two hours to attack Ayden.  Am I really psychologically ill; is it bad to want to see everyone I love again?  Well I guess I will never know.  61

This insomnia feels like a silent death.  One line of writing, can tell my entire life story.  This world is driven into madness from the world below, it’s not the way I want it to be but it plays out day by day without any reasoning.  Kerri hates me, Murray is pissed off at me, and Phoenix thinks I’m unwell.  Nurses keep asking me if I’m ok.  I guess I won’t find out if these pills are too strong for me.  I have an appointment with Dr. Zannier today.  Yet another long and implausible session, in which he shreds at my thoughts searching for explanations he will never receive.  I guess we’re all a little crazy sometimes, just some of us show it more often.        62

Counterfeit Son63

One more step to discover all that matters64

We fear nothing while walking the green mile65

Truth and lies can’t “Define Normal”66

Wicked forests pull us into the woods where67

The eyes of darkness worship lightning68

The first stone thrown into a river of dreams69

Plays our heart song70

Unfinished symphony’s howl at us71

Through the music of the night72

Hidden leaves droop down the weeping willow73

While intensity drags us towards the end of the rainbow74

When we’re out of time, paper shadows75

Whisper between the petals on the wind76

If there be thorns in this life, I am the biggest one77

I am flowers in the attic 78

Misplaced within a web of dreams79

Tarnished gold caught within midnight whispers80

Swimming in the deep end of the ocean81

Twilight’s child lost his grip on reality82

Seeds of yesterday are planted in my darkest hour83

Fallen hearts lead this dark angel 84

Towards the gates of paradise85

All that glitters is not gold86

I am a hidden jewel or a pearl in the mist87

Crawl into the garden of falling stars 88

Where you will find me hidden behind the mask89

I am nothing more than natures’ counterfeit son90

Friday, February 19th 2006  91

My appointment with Dr. Zannier lasted longer than I would have expected.  He talked of my psychological condition as well as the depression I am feeling.  I kept silent most of the time as he pried open my mind and squeezed out information I would have rather kept to myself.  He asked me about my father and I told him how we were really close until the night that I lost everyone.  I was trying to hold back the tears that welled in my eyes as I spoke.  “The night of the accident changed my life forever,” I continued.  Dr. Zannier let me do most of the talking and when I would stop he would nod in reassurance.  Also, he asked me how I was adjusting to lexapro, the antidepressants he prescribed me.  I told him how I was feeling after I took them in the mornings and Dr. Zannier explained to me that it was normal for four to six weeks to feel some minor side effects.  He explained that I would feel happier soon, and that it usually takes six months to one year to stop taking the pills.  92

After my session with Dr. Zannier I sat in the sitting room and played out a few new tunes on my soundless guitar.  Murray bounced into the room singing some childish songs to the beat I was pounding out.  “Mary had a little lamb…” “Baa baa black sheep…” I looked up at him with an odd expression on my face and he howled out in laughter.  He looked at me and said calmly, “Sorry man, didn’t you realize that we fight way too much?” I nodded cautiously and went back to my guitar.  93

Murray seemed irritated at my vacant response and grumbled profanities as he walked out of the room.  94

I spent hours cradling my guitar and letting the music escape my soul.  The pills seemed to be acting friendlier today but I felt irritated.  Out of nowhere, Kerri sat down next to me and tickled my side.95

I looked at her in confusion and barked, “What the hell are you doing?  One minute you’re pushing me away and the next minute you’re pulling me closer. You’re so damn frustrating sometimes.”  96

“Ayden, you’re the one who is always pushing me away, I do everything to try and make you understand me and every one else around you, but you’re always pushing us away.  We want to be your friends but all you do is snap every time someone tries to be nice to you.  Just because you’re scared of life doesn’t mean you have to push it aside.” 97

Kerri got up abruptly and headed out of the room, running away as usual.  When will people stop walking out on me?  Do I have to throw myself at their feet to understand me, or do I have to crawl on hand and foot to get them to accept me?  Confusion again.  I don’t push Kerri away, do I?  I never thought hearing her words would hurt so badly.  It feels like I have been stabbed in the chest and tortured over and over again.98

I wrote a song for Kerri as I played my guitar and I dedicate every single word to her.  What a confusing essence that pulled me into the words and dragged out every word and phrase.  My mind and heart are dying and I’m constantly falling in love with her.  99

Falling and Dying100

One more step before I fall off the edge101

Falling and dying102

Like a bullet through the head103

Grab my hand and clasp my heart104

Falling and dying105

Just rip it apart106

Again…107

I keep pushing but you come back for more108

You drive me crazy insane109

You’re chewing on my brain110

I’m the bigger fool111

Because I’m falling back in love with you112

Falling and dying113

Falling and dying for you114

Falling and crying115

Falling and crying116

Falling in love with you117

Again…118

Grab my hand and clasp my heart119

Just rip it apart120

One more step before I fall off the edge121

Like a bullet through the head122

I keep pushing but you come back for more123

You drive me crazy insane124

Bring me to shame125

I’m the bigger fool126

Because I’m falling back in love with you127

Falling and dying128

Falling and dying for you129

Falling and crying130

Falling and crying131

Falling in love with you132

Again…133

Saturday, February 20th 2006  134

I played my new song over and over again and it reminded me constantly of how Kerri and I are always acting like immature children.  I like her but I don’t understand why we are always acting so childish.  Murray and I worked out our differences, which usually occurs.  I have been quite moody lately and I feel angry with everyone.  I don’t want to push people away but I feel like maybe life will take a turn for me and maybe I will become happier with everything. I can’t make conclusions until I live it out and see what happens for myself.  If I look too far ahead I might trip and fall, and I will never be able to get myself back up again.  135

My side has been killing me all morning, and nurse Mandy said it was normal to feel some discomfort from my medication.  I have been getting most of the common side effects from it as well.  I was throwing up all night last night and was unable to sleep during the night, as usual.  They do block out the hurt I usually feel from the loss of my father.  I know it has been about three months but it still hurts.  Dr. Zannier explained that it would hurt a lot for about a year before I fully understand and get acquainted with the fact of death.  136

Is death really the way out?  Should I really change God’s plan and end my life?  I am so confused right now.  I don’t understand anything anymore.  I think I am too young to try to decide my fate.  I need help with everything I do.  Mom hasn’t even been here to visit me in a while.  Nurse Mandy said that she heard from my mother; all is well and she is planning on visiting shortly.  I’m really happy to know that I should be expecting my mom.  I miss her so much.  I miss Lindsay, I want to see her and tell her I’m sorry for all the pain I put her through.  She is taking pills now too, to get rid of anxiety, apo-lorazapam.  I feel so horrible for making my sister witness my desire for death.  I want to hug her and make all her anxiety go away.  I wish my family could be here right now.  I want to apologize for all the hurt I have caused.  I want to fight away the pain everyone is feeling.  I want to do so much, but I am only one person.  137

I guess I won’t be passing this school year or becoming valedictorian like I have always wished to be.  I will be behind.  I never thought about school until this moment.  I miss music class and playing guitar for crowds at school.  I miss everything I used to be.  I want to be myself again, but I still feel like someone else.  I feel like someone who is prying open a shell and trying on a new mask for size.  I feel hidden within life but I have no sense of living.138

Drift towards reality139

Jump head first into a soaking pit of achievement140

Put one foot on a pedestal towards intelligence and;141

Shake hands with your future142

                                                                     Future… Here I come!143

Sunday February 21st 2006144

Today was another group session.  Now that we’re all acquainted it wasn’t as difficult for us to speak with one another, except for the occasional bickering.  Kerrigan and I are still on “no talking grounds” and we just ignored each other most of the session.  Dr. Zannier asked all of us questions and I finally found some strength to answer some.  I even laughed at a comment that Murray made while Phoenix laughed uncontrollably.  Dr. Zannier seemed extremely happy.145

An announcement was made that made us roar in delight.  Phoenix was being released in a month.  Her progress was incredible and her mother and father are coming to get her soon.  Phoenix was smiling so much that tears streamed down her face.  We al hugged her, unable to hide the happiness we felt for her.146

Later when Phoenix and I were alone I decided to talk to her.  “Phoenix, thank you for opening my eyes.  You helped me to realize what I’ve got right in front of me that I never noticed before--Friends.  Thank you for everything. I’m so glad that you are better.  It gives me strength to want to push towards life.  I would have never been able to do this without you.  You’ve always been there for me!”147

I cried without realizing I was and I hugger her tightly.  Phoenix replied in a muffled tone, “Ayden, I knew that you had happiness deep down in your heart…I just had to find it.  You’re a GREAT friend, even if you never mean to be.  You helped me realize that friends come in many different shapes and sizes.  Friends stick by one another through thick and thin, and I think we all stayed strong.  You’ll be happy one day Ayden, I promise.”148

Phoenix hugged me; we both cried until our tears dried and no longer fell.  Friends; how great it sounds.  Life.  Phoenix helped me find what I need…happiness.149

She held me in her arms until Murray bounced into the room… “Woo, cut the water works you two, it’s not Fags R’ Us day ya’ Know?”  He smiled and watched me with concern.150

“You’re not hitting on my girl are you? ‘Cause if you are I’ma whoop your ass so hard that your face will be coming out of it…”151

We all laughed and Murray piped up, “I’m serious, what’s up?”152

Phoenix smiled and said, “Ayden realized that he’s got friends--us.”153

Murray smiled, “Of course we’re your friends Ayden, we love you!  You may be fucking weird sometimes, but that’s why you’re special…you’re unique.”154

I couldn’t help but smile, I felt accepted for the first time since the accident.  I felt like I finally belonged somewhere.  We spent the rest of the night together, talking and watching TV.155

Monday, February 22nd 2006156

I can’t believe Phoenix will be leaving soon.  I hope everyone discovers happiness and feels content again.  It’s the most difficult responsibility that I have ever come across—searching for smiles.  I’ve pushed away so much that I don’t know whether to etch back my mask or cling onto it for dear life.  I haven’t fully exposed myself to the world, nor to my friends.  Phoenix showed me friendship… a friendship I have longed to feel… a friendship I haven’t felt in a long time… a friendship I have never felt before.  She is ready to go out into the world, laughing in dangers face and scorning away troubles of our imperfect reality.  Me—I’m still lost. Misplaced within a mesh of faces; I never really know where I belong.  One minute I’m up, the next I’m down.  I play with my own heart and then shove it away.  My feelings are so confusing; I just want to feel happy… either in this world or out.  Do I want to live or do I want to die?  I am unsure of my fate now.  I am so damn confused.157

Phoenix is better.  I’m so happy that she found her escape from this world.  She gets to escape from her life in the psychotic prison.  She is a moonlight dancer, dancing upon the waves of her freedom.  I hope she will be able to dance again and prove herself to all those who didn’t believe in her.  She will show them that she can look the way she wants, without losing weight.  She is perfect just the way she is.158

Tuesday, February 23rd 2006159

Hatred’s SoldierCome forth and taste the overcast moonWith tongues of piercing coreDrenched in gold’s of splendor, kings of crowns adoreThe blade lay purged in venomous blood while wicked shadows loomFools aloof in arid sleep in cold and dampened tombsAs fine as a needles piercing laceStrike a whip upon his slanderous faceA mothers unborn child wails within the wombTrample on dry personalities, brittle from scorched wordsEnmity embarks upon an exhausted tomorrowSurrender the empty cries of pain always left unheardA day to end this stubborn sorrowCrawl into a vacant crypt and clasp my handForever on guard soldier, we take our stand Hatred’s Soldier RevisedCome forth and taste the overcast moonWith tongues of piercing coreDrenched in gold’s of splendour; kings of crowns adoreThe blade lay purged in venomous blood while wicked shadows loomFools aloof in arid sleep within cold and dampened tombsFate is hung about their necks pending their collapseWhips of pain and silver blood fall upon their laps A mothers unborn child wails within her wombTrampling on dry personalities, brittle from scorched wordsEnmity embarks wanton hopes of an imperfect worldSurrender empty cries of anguish always left unheardTowards hostility that rests manically unfastened and unfurledCrawl into a vacant crypt and clasp my crumbling handForever on guard soldier, we take our stand160

War! A war plays out in my mind.  I’m both the enemy and the soldier.  I fight my own thoughts and try to search within myself for the Ayden Shadows I used to be.  I can’t find him; he’s lost… misplaced withing my mechanically fashioned mind and set to malfunction at any time.  I have a virus in my thoughts and it seeps through my veins and articulates my hopes and dreams, trying to wipe out the happiness that is downloading itself into my mental hard drive—my life.161

Wednesday, February 24th 2006162

I was with Murray and Phoenix all day today.  Sometimes I feel unwanted when they tickle each other or whisper in each other’s ears.  It sometimes sickens me, and I feel the urge to vomit when I see their feelings of happiness.  I miss Kerri; I wish she could see how much she tears me up inside.  I feel like my heart was ripped out and stomped on a thousand times.  I wish Kerrigan could see all the hurt and torment she is causing me.  I want to tell her that I love her and that I never want to let her go.  I want to cradle her in my arms and treat her with supreme delicacy.  I will treat her like a rose; I never want to hurt her.  She tears me apart.  One minute she loves me, the next she hates me…women.163

Torn heart164

Stalk me with your limpid eyes165

But never graze upon me166

Fight me with your waking eyes167

But never tread upon me168

I walk in silence eternally alone169

The world is my stadium170

I dance in feelings forever alone171

Your deceit is my cold and clammy stadium172

Thrust me down and scorn my heart173

Play games with my frail mind174

Sever me open and scratch out my heart175

Stab needles into my empty mind176

Pick apart my hasty thoughts177

Heave away my faultless smile178

Mock my crying thoughts179

Rupture my fragile smile180

Attack my soul and leave me broken181

Pull away my vacant soul182

Ripping me apart I lay broken183

Cutting out my sour soul184

Suck out my crumbling infamy185

And chew apart my inert core186

Slash my flawless infamy187

And find me misplaced inside the core188

Trample my narrow mouth189

Arid from unvoiced words190

Unspoken tongues falter with my bitter mouth191

Trodden by your calloused words192

Your words forever hang from my salty lips193

Walk away and leave me torn194

I ceaselessly crave your brackish lips195

Leave me now with my heart torn196

Thursday, February25th 2006197

Murray and I laughed our asses off all day today. Nurse Mandy joined in the fun too.  A new patient was admitted.  Her name is Andréa and she is bizarre.  She said she hates babies and when she got pregnant she wanted the baby to die and the next week she had a miscarriage; which is pretty scary.  She told us crazy jokes that we couldn’t help but laugh at.  She is eighteen years old and has a forty-three year old boyfriend.  She said she got stuck in here because she beat up her boyfriend until he was admitted into the hospital, and she pleaded insanity. What a strange critic, that’s for sure. 198

After the whole laughing ordeal, I realized how messed up I have been lately.  These pills are really starting to help me to open up my eyes and see what I have gotten myself into.  I think I don’t want to be stuck in the shadows anymore; I want to find brightness and search for the life I have misplaced so long ago.  I put so much stress on myself that I push away the life I need.  I push away everyone who means something to me.  I think I should open my eyes and find a place where I will become happy.  Somewhere that is far from sadness; somewhere that is blissful and cheerful.  Somewhere far away from everything I’ve become.  199

Stress within Me200

My mind has suffered tranquility201

With too much to bear202

The weight growing perpetually203

Weather beaten and caught in a snare204

Pain enters my veins205

And replaces the vile liquid form206

Turning it towards a twirling drain207

My feelings are dragged by the heaving storm208

Lost within this blank nothingness in me209

Unable to escape this untimely trap210

As I tear through my mentality, trying to run from empathy211

Every time I try to climb, I lose my grasp212

Trapped within a web of mistakes213

Ready to be enveloped in never ending shadows214

In my mind I close the drapes215

Revealing an eternal battle that follows216

Yearning to learn of serenity again217

And when it comes, my intellect will take on a form of rest218

Approaching a fearless road from now to then219

Recalling all the pain worn on my shoulder crest220

Trying to search for the missing puzzle piece I left behind221

Finding my luck on the other side of an upturned dice222

Pushing aside the turmoil of my mind223

By welcoming a day, into my night224

Saturday, February 27th 2006225

Kerrigan was yet again tormenting me.  I looked at her and she looked right past me.  She hurts me so much.  She came into my room and sat down on my bed, while I drew up my life in pictures.  She started tickling my leg and she gradually inched up my body with a constant smile on her face.  I just wanted to push her down and show her how much I really cared for her within my tender kisses and melting touches.  I wanted to wrap my arms around her feeble limbs and sink my teeth into her luscious skin.  She smiled up at me as we lay back on my bed, her head resting on my heaving chest.  My heart was thumping so hard, that the clock on the wall didn’t make its usual sounds.  I saw nothing around me but Kerri.226

Why does she always crawl back to me when I am constantly pushing her away?  Does she not see how much she torments me, or how much pain she carves into my heart?  I missed holding her in my arms, but she always finds a way to push me out of her life.  She sobbed loudly, streaking tears down my shirt.  I held her closer and whispered, “everything’s going to be alright.”  She began to hum uncontrollably as her eyes lingered on emptiness and she smiled towards the wall, like the words I said were hanging in the corner, waiting for her acceptance.  227

“My baby--my baby… you let me kill my baby…” She wailed as tears soaked her perfect complexion.228

I looked at her with a bewildered look upon my face, unable to focus on the words she screamed at me.229

“Get this blood away, God—you’re the devil, get your sinful blood away from me,” Kerry sobbed more quietly.230

I stared at her.  I didn’t know what she was talking about.  I realized that something was wrong.  I told her to calm down and took her by both hand and looked into her glazed eyes. 231

“Daddy,” She whispered, “I’m killing your baby, I don’t want this—I HATE YOU,” She yelled at the top of her lungs.   232

Her fists started pounding my chest as I lunged forward to protect myself.  I grabbed her wrists as she sat there squirming.233

“Daddy, let go—please don’t hurt me anymore… please don’t hurt me, I love you, I promise I’ll be a good girl, I promise.”234

She sobbed quietly as I pulled her close and rocked her in my arms.  This time I knew it wasn’t my fault that she was pushing me away.  Kerri is really sick, all because of a sick, twisted, perverted fuck—her drunken father.235

Kerri fell asleep in my arms and when she woke her eyes were so distant, that I wasn’t sure whether she really understood anything.  I smiled at her, but the smile she gave back to me was distant and cold.  It stabbed me like a million piercing knives.  She grabbed my hand and hummed silently.  I looked at her and whispered again with tears in my eyes, “everything is going to be alright, I’ll always be here for you,” I kissed her forehead as she whimpered.236

Nurse Mandy came in holding Kerri’s medication.  “Ms. Smith, it’s time for your medication dear and then you should rest.”  Kerri rose slowly and never even glanced back at me as she walked out of the door, with nurse Mandy following closely at her heels.237

I know Kerri is very ill.  Depression swims through her mind and grabs her by the hand.  It is trying to pull her down, the same way it tried to pull my life away from me.  Poor Kerri, why does everything always happen to those who are innocent, when the guilty still walks without witness?238

Monday, March 1st 2006239

Yesterday mom came to visit after our group meeting.  The group meeting went great although Kerrigan didn’t come.  I think, maybe, something is really wrong with her.  If she’s always had depressive schizophrenia, then why was she so normal before this whole ordeal?  I don’t understand this disease.  I hope she feels better soon and acts the way she used to.  240

Mom came to visit yesterday, she was smiling non-stop.  Lindsay came too, but she looked grumpy.  I hugged her so tightly that tears poured down both of our faces.  I felt like my life was finally rebuilt, like everything in my life was just a dream.  Mom left the room for a while to let us talk to each other.  Lindsay cried so much that she quivered uncontrollably.  241

“Ayden, I missed you so much… Why did you want to die?  We have each other.  Don’t end your life over for something so stupid!  We all lost dad, it wasn’t just your loss—it was mom’s loss and mine too.  You don’t know how much mom has been caught up in everything.  She used to cry every night.  I heard her howling from the hall.  I haven’t had much of a life lately either cause I’m always trying to help mom with everything.  Ayden, we need you…Please get better,” Lindsay said as tears rolled down her fair cheeks. 242

I looked at her as I fought back my own tears.  “Lindsay, I’ve missed you guys too.  I’m sorry I tried to end my life, but sometimes I just feel like life is not worth living.  Dad’s been gone for three months and I still feel a void in my heart, like something is always missing.” 243

“Nothing’s missing Ayden, dad’s always with us, no matter what.  He would want us to be happy, not wallowing in pity”244

“Lindsay, dad and I were fighting.  We never made up ever since the summer when everything flipped upside down in my life.  I’ve been sad every since, and that made it worse.  I just wanted to be with everyone again.”245

“ ‘Wanted,’ you mean—you don’t want to die anymore?”246

“I don’t know what I want, all I know is that I can’t leave you and mom alone again.”247

We hugged again and muffled our cries on each other’s shoulder.  We talked about life and death, until mom peaked her head around the corner and sat down with us as we talked about my progress.248

“Dr. Zannier explained to me that you have been making wonderful progress and that you made some new friends.  I’m so glad to hear it honey.”  249

“Yeah, I made some friends, Phoenix, Murray and…” I hesitated a little bit before saying, “…and Kerrigan.”250

Mom smiled again and explained that I would probably be going home within the next two to three months, but I will be required to stay on my medication.  I was so excited to hear this that I couldn’t wait to tell Phoenix and Murray.  Mom and Lindsay left after a two-hour visit and I was in a great mood all day.  251

Wednesday, March 3rd 2004252

I saw Kerrigan today, she is being transferred yet again, or so Nurse Mandy said.  Kerrigan is so distant but she seemed to understand me today.  She said she felt really horrible for the past few weeks.  She felt lost and broken—like nothing could fix her soul.  I never mentioned the ‘father’ ordeal, in fear that she would lose her sanity again.  I promised to visit her when she is transferred into a new hospital and I am free.  I don’t feel like I’m in love with her anymore.  I feel like we’re just friends, who wanted to be more, but lost the chance.  We were more or less distant towards each other when we spoke, yet we were acting quite civilised.  I miss the old Kerri, the one who would look up at me with her innocent eyes and laugh at my impish behaviour.  I guess everyone changes sometimes, whether it is for the good, or for the bad.  253

The Last Time254

The last time I called your name, 255

You never replied256

The last time I whispered into the bright sky,257

Darkness fell258

The last time I placed my hands together in prayer,259

I remembered all your lies260

The last time I smiled, 261

Tears drifted down my flushed cheeks262

The last time my heart dropped and broke apart,263

Your red eyes danced with laughter264

The last time I found words,265

You mocked my feelings with your impish smile266

The last time I fell in love with you, 267

Was somewhere in my dreams   268

Friday, March 5th 2006269

The day is still young. It’s 5:30 am and I can’t sleep...again. I think I’m mostly used to the pills and I actually feel happier with myself today. I’m still confused about Kerri and I feel like the love I once felt for her, was a lie. I feel like it was just a shelter we both used in times of need. I acted as her shoulder, and her as mine. I do miss the way things used to be between us, but I realised that I made friends that will last a lifetime. I have even been granted the privilege to use the phone to call mom and Lindsay, which is awesome. I feel like wanting to die was like a steep step in losing a loved one. I used to want to crawl into dad’s grave with him and die in a dark, airtight hole. Nothingness encircling me, and I felt nothing but loneliness and helplessness. Now, I feel more alive. I feel like dad will be happy within my life. 270

Phoenix is going home in two weeks; we can’t wait until we’re all home. Phoenix’s mother said they are going on a long vacation when she gets home, to help her get over the situation. Phoenix doesn’t want to dance anymore; she wants to live life normally. She told me that she doesn’t want people telling her what to eat and how to do it. She wants to decide for herself what she wants. She was prescribed Prozac to help with her weight gain. It will help her get over the depression causing her anorexia.271

Murray is feeling better too. He is leaving in one month. He’s been in here for eight long months. His addiction seems to have been worked out, yet he too, has to take medication. He told me he is taking something called, Wellbutrin, which helps stimulate drug addiction and regulate moods. Can’t believe how well everyone has progressed. Kerrigan is being transferred to another hospital in three days and I hope she feels better there. We all promised to write to each other, and Kerri’s even feeling better, although she is somewhat depressed. Bright side– Everyone promised to be friends forever, no matter what happens. I think everything will work out for everyone...eventually.272

Monday, March 8th 2006273

Kerri was transferred to another hospital today and we all shed tears as we made our rounds of goodbyes. Kerri was so distant again. Her sickness jumps all over the place, it’s like a phantom virus– you never know whether she will be up or down. 274

Phoenix has been preparing for her trip home and can’t wait. "A week and a half," she reminded me. I smiled at her and she gave back a wide smile that could have hooked on to her earlobes if she moved her lips an inch higher. 275

She motioned towards me and whispered, "Ayden, you’re leaving soon too," I smiled brightly and snickered, "I KNOW! I really want to go home."276

Murray was effortlessly shoving pancakes down his throat as he mumbled between mouthfuls, "Irmgoringhormesroontroo." Phoenix and I exchanged confused glances and Murray gulped down some milk, cleared his throat and said, “I’m going home soon too,” he wiped a milk moustache from his face ad began devouring every last crumb of food on his plate.277

“Murray, don’t be such a pig,” Phoenix called out over the grunts and chomping noises coming from Murray.278

Murray laughed and small particles of food escaped out of the corner of his mouth, while Phoenix and I, gagged in disgust.279

We all laughed and then we made lists and lists of things we’d do together once we were out of the hospital.  We had a blast, and soon we trudged off to our rooms, for a goodnight sleep.  280

Wednesday, March 10th 2006281

Today was one of the strangest days I’ve ever come across in my life.  Mr. Blacklock, my music teacher, came to visit me.  Shocking, I know!  He asked me if I had been practicing my music, while in the hospital.  I told him that my guitar has been by my side through everything.  The thing that shocked me the most, was that I was allowed to have a visitor who wasn’t part of my family.  Him, being my favourite teacher and all, I didn’t really care much.  Mr. Blacklock always knows the right things to say, even if we don’t get along.  He’s always said that I’m a strong music student and he has been teaching me since grade nine.  He is my mentor, although we have little in common.  He is a wonderful conductor and his class is always attentive to him.  Me, on the other hand, I have always got on his last nerve and seemed to always find a way to piss him off.  I think that’s why he likes me.  282

Mr. Blacklock told me that being depressed isn’t a bad thing.  He explained to me that, when he was a teenager, life was not easy for him.  His family and friends frowned upon him, because he was different.  He told me that sometimes, being different is better than being just like everyone else.  He explained to me, that more than once throughout his life, he wanted to kill everything about himself.  He told me that he had no sense of life and tried many different means of attempted suicide.  Today, he regrets ever doing anything to try to end his life.  I smiled and reassured him that I’m not thinking about death as much anymore.  Sure, it’s the truth we all must face, but I realized that life is worth living, even if we do die in the end, I will be the last one standing.283

Mr. Blacklock left with a content smile perched upon his lips and told m that he can’t wait until I come back to school.  At that moment, I realized that stories of all sorts must be spreading around the school like hotcakes, and that everyone will look at me like I’m some kind of extraterrestrial.  Oh well…  at least I know that I’ll be happy.284

Found Poem-Confusion285

Change drifting peacefully286

Growing old along with me287

A joyful song I’ll raise,288

To utter all thy praise,289

Words are my food,290

Breath is my wine.291

Everything it means to me.292

Lips speak a soft sweetness293

Nerves touch a cool caress294

Mind, is lost in magic295

My heart beats within my chest296

Never have I fallen297

But I am quickly on my way298

Holding a heart in my hands299

That I will never give away300

I wrote my old name in the sky,301

But the wind blew it away. 302

I wrote it in the sand,303

But the waves washed it away.304

I wrote it in my heart,305

And forever it will stay.306

Happiness is like a song,307

That keeps us going strong,308

The red rose screams like a falcon, 309

And the white rose whispers like a dove;310

Happiness comes forth like sunshine after rain.311

One word312

Frees us of life’s pain313

That word is love.314

Love bears all things, believes all things315

Hopes all things, and endures all things316

My name is neither envious nor rude317

It is neither boastful nor proud318

It is not self-seeking or easily angered319

It keeps no record of wrongs or delights in evil320

It rejoices with the truth and protects321

It always trusts and always hopes322

It always perseveres but never fails.323

Friday, March 16th 2006324

Phoenix is leaving in three days and Murray in two weeks.  I know I haven’t been writing lately, but we’re trying to make the best of our time before Phoenix and Murray go away.  I’m so happy for them.  I’m also leaving in a month and a half.  I am so excited; I finally have something to look forward to.  I talked to Lindsay on the phone, and she said that mom is planning a surprise party for me when I come home.  What a surprise!  I’ll just try to act surprised.  I bet Aunt Fey, Mom, Lindsay, Grandma, and Grandpa will be there.  I’m so ready for this.325

Phoenix is all ready and her parents are already staying at a motel waiting for her release date.  They are just waiting to take more tests and make sure the medication will be distributed properly.  They’re teaching them how to make sure Phoenix isn’t malnourished.  She hates being poked and prodded for more tests, but she’s so excited to go home, she could care less right now.326

Murray’s family is in an uproar.  No one has visited him since his older brother Shawn came; they’re too embarrassed to come.  Murray told me that havoc broke loose in his house because Shawn’s secret was discovered—everyone knows he’s gay.  His dad swore that he would disown him and he said that his hockey career was over.  Shawn turned to Murray for guidance, and Murray told me that he told his brother to take a toke—Shawn hung up the phone on him.  Murray smiled at me and insisted that he was kidding.327

Murray doesn’t want to go home, and he sure as hell doesn’t want to become addicted again.  He told me that he is moving out as soon as he gets a chance.  He’s planning on becoming a teacher, and he wants to teach anatomy and physical education…Go figure.  The only thing he is worried about is that his father will kill him for choosing another path other than hockey.  He is excited to be leaving though, he can’t wait to try and start his life fresh.  328

Monday, March 19th 2006329

Phoenix left today ad I cried like a baby.  I felt like an idiot.  We hugged for ten minutes muffling phrases into each other’s shoulders.330

“Ayden, I’m gonna miss ya’.  You’re ma’ best friend ya’ know?  I have never had a best friend and you’re the closest I’ve had.  If you ever need me, you got ma’ pager, cell, fax, email, and address,” she said with a smile.  I told her that I feel the same.  I haven’t felt a friendship this close since Cynthia.331

We said our goodbyes and Phoenix left.  Murray plopped down on y bed and balled his eyes out. I patted his back in sympathy and said, “you’ll be out in like two weeks, don’t stress over it.”332

Murray’s eyes widened and he looked up at me, “She’s going on vacation to Florida, and I won’t see her for two months.  This is so depressing man.  Actually, I’ll be out of this shit hole in a week and three days…fuck face.”  He smiled behind his tear-drenched face.333

I looked at him and agreed.  I will be so lonely after Murray leaves, until it is my turn. 334

Murray left my room after his tears dried and he went to the TV room, where I heard him laughing.  A laugh that was once obnoxious to me, turned into a common everyday noise that belonged to a friend.  A noise I would remember in times of sadness, a laugh that will always come into my mind and brighten my day.  335

Thursday, March 22nd 2006336

One week until Murray leaves.  Even that strange girl, Andréa left.  She was transferred to the state penitentiary because her beat up boyfriend died while he was in the hospital.  She was dragged away in cuffs.  I overheard the whole thing; it was the most drama I’ve seen in a long time.  She was kicking, screaming and even threatening.  It’s so sad that someone so young could be capable of murder, capable of losing their freedom and their sense of life.337

I’m so sorry I got into that car drunk.  I promise I will never do something so stupid again.  I will try and accept things the way they are, and if they’re repairable; I will fix them.  I need to learn that life comes in many different shapes and sizes; I just need to find the one that fits me best.338

Murray has been bragging for the past few days about going home.  He’s excited to move out and start his new life.  Until that happens, he’s got to stay at home and try to get his father to accept his choices.  Murray needs to find peace with his family.  I hope he doesn’t come across any drug problems again.  When I first came here, he was still crying for a fix and he was here for three months before my arrival.  I’m so glad that he found something better than drugs to turn to—friends.  We helped him through his hard times, and he helped us through ours…that is what friends are for.  339

Saturday, March 24th 2006340

Today was a long day.  I saw Dr. Zannier today and he explained to me that I would be seeing a psychologist after I go home.  He told me that whenever I have a problem, to open up to the psychologist and he or she would help me with whatever I need.  I agreed that this wouldn’t be so bad, and Dr. Zannier told me that it would help with the rehabilitation process.  I feel like I’ve come a long way in such a short period of time.  I’ve done so much for myself to get over everything.  341

I’ve been spending so much time with Murray before he leaves in five days. It kind of depresses me that everyone will be gone soon.  I don’t want to feel alone again.  I’m sure I will get over it. 342

I talked to Lindsay on the phone today and she told me that everyone is excited for me to come home.  I told her that she’d better come with mom to get me.  She was so happy when I told her that I couldn’t wait to sleep in my own room again.  She told me to promise her that I would never try anything stupid again.  I laughed and promised.  Soon, Nurse Mandy told me that someone else wanted to use the phone, so I gave it up and went to my room to play my guitar.  343

I’ve been thinking a lot about how everyone’s life changed in a matter of just a few months.  It’s so surprising, how everyone felt so useless, and now those same people did a 360 and feel like they belong in the world.  Everyone fought the evil that seeped through their veins.344

Thursday, March 29th 2006345

Murray left today.  It was one of the saddest days, I’ve ever had.  Murray and I talked so much about life and death, sadness and happiness, love and lust.  We tried to do as much as possible with our time, although our time was limited and so were our activities.  Murray promised that we would try and get together sometime when we are out of the hospital, since he lives in the outskirts of Ivory Town, just west of Centerbrook.  Phoenix doesn’t live too far either, but she is still about a two-hour drive away.346

We are all hoping that we see each other again sometime.  I feel so lonely already and Murray just left today.  We told each other our life stories, although some things were pointless to discuss; such as potty training and school.  Murray told me that he could help me find some members to play in my band since he knows some people, as long as he can play the triangle.  We laughed like crazy and reminisced on things that have been happening around here.  I admitted that I used to hate how outspoken Murray was, and that I found his laughter obnoxious.  He howled in laughter and said that he believed every word.  347

Murray and I hugged briefly and said our goodbyes.  That was it; he left without another word or another glance backward.348

Sunday, April 1st 2006349

APRIL FOOLS!  Dr. Zannier got me so bad today.  I was so angry with him.  He told me that I wasn’t going home for three months, I practically flipped out on him and told him that I’ve been doing great lately.  He kept it up all day and then he came to me a couple of hours later saying, “April Fools Ayden, sorry if I got you going, I knew that you would laugh about it in the end.  I know, it was kind of mean, but I’m sorry.”  I smiled and lied, “I thought it was an April Fools prank.”  He smirked and told me some of the other pranks he’s been playing on everyone else.  Dr. Zannier also told me that mom is coming to get me on April 29th.  I’m so ecstatic, she’s coming even sooner than I expected.   350

After Dr. Zannier and I chatted for a bit, Nurse Mandy decided to keep me company since she noticed that I was lonely. 351

“Missing your friends I bet,” she said with a sigh.352

“Yeah, I wish I could have left sooner, but Dr. Zannier want to make sure that I don’t relapse, so he’s keeping me for another month,”  I replied.353

“Well, Ayden dear, you know that we’re just trying to help. You’re such a great person; we’ll miss you around here when you’re gone.”354

I smiled broadly, “I hope that’s not an April Fools joke too.”355

“No honey, it’s not.”  Nurse Mandy said with a serious look on her face.356

Her warm voice reminded me of my mothers, before dad died.  It made me smile and I felt like I could open up and tell her anything that was on my mind.357

Thursday, April 5th 2006358

I spent some more time with Nurse Mandy today.  We talked about our lives, our family and our interests.359

“Are you excited to go back to school?”  she questioned.360

“Not really, just for music class.  My marks dropped so low in all of my classes before I came here and it kind of depresses me.  It was supposed to be my last year but everything went wrong for me.  I was supposed to be valedictorian, I was supposed to graduate and be the top student of my class, and get the scholarships I worked so hard to achieve.  I guess I will have to wait another year before my hopes come true.”361

“Wow Ayden, you’re a very clever young man.  I kind of figured that you must be a smart young man when your teacher came to visit you.  It’s not everyday that someone’s teacher comes in to see how his or her student is doing.  It was a very kind gesture.”  362

“He is my favourite teacher.  I’m good at every subject, even math and sciences.  I will only need one more semester to graduate.  It will be all right to stay an extra year, none of the people who know my situation will be at school and I can start out new.  Maybe I can even try and finish off the semester this year, take my exams from last semester and see how I do.”  363

Nurse Mandy smiled, “I’m so glad that you’re so interested in your studies.  If my son had done the same, he wouldn’t be trying to support his family and his drug habit, with a part time job.  I guess everyone is different; we all have to find happiness somewhere.” 364

“I agree.  Happiness is sometimes hard to find, but I found it, when I thought it was impossible.  So I guess the impossible, is possible.  I can see that for myself now, everything that I once felt, now feels like a step I took towards happiness.”365

Nurse Mandy nodded and we carried on our conversation until it was suppertime and I ate my food in silence, while I thought about the past five months in awe.  366

Thursday, April 12th 2006367

I haven’t written in a while, mom came to visit and she tried getting all my paper work ready.  She told me that I will be doing last semesters exams this year and that some teachers still wanted me to finish culminating research papers and hand them in as soon as I get the chance.  I’ve been spending most of my time writing and re-writing projects to hand in when I get back to school.  I’m lucky I had some of them done before the whole incident.  I had my sociology typed out in rough, so all I have to do is get it edited and reprint it, which I will do as soon as I get to my computer at home.368

I feel like a brand new person.  I even told mom that Nurse Mandy and I have been talking and she seemed to be happy that I’m feeling much better.  Dr. Zannier talked to both of us about my medication, and how it is very important to take it regularly, or a relapse may occur.  369

We found out that my new psychologist would be Dr. K. R. Ysta, and that she is a very kind woman, who always knows the right things to say.  We even had the opportunity to meet her today and she’s very easy to talk to.  Her soft features and kind smile made me feel welcomed by her.  370

Today was a jam-packed day, and I can hardly believe that I will be going home in only a matter of days.  I get antsy just thinking about it.  371

Tuesday, April 17th 2006372

I’m going home in twelve days.  Oh my God, I’m so happy.  I wrote some childish rhymes to remember the problems my friends and I dealt with.  They are kind of catchy, but at the same time, they kind of reminded me of our strength to push towards happiness, rather than wallowing in self-pity and depression.  373

Ayden’s Rhyme374

One, two…375

Piercing through376

Three, four…377

Stain the floor378

Five, six…379

Sinful tricks380

Seven, eight…381

It’s my fate382

Nine, ten…383

Death’s the end384

Wednesday, April 24th 2006385

I’m going home really soon.  I know I haven’t written in a while yet again, but the nurses have been trying to keep me busy and I’ve been getting tests done as well.  I’m leaving in five days.  I want to sleep in my bed again.  I want to open up my once drawn drapes and let the sunshine into my room, the same way as I have let it back into my life.  I still can’t get over how everyone is so much better than how they started out.  Kerrigan is the only one who seemed to have relapsed from our rehabilitation group.  I’m so glad I made friends throughout this whole healing process, it really helped me to open my eyes to the problems other people face in their own lives.  I feel like I’m no longer alone in this world.386

I have my stuff all packed, although I don’t have much.  I just can’t wait until I go home… I can’t wait until my “surprise” party either.  Everything will be so perfect, just the way I remember it as a child.  Everything will be in place, although dad won’t be there in person, and he’ll be there in memory and in spirit.  He will always be there for me, even when I don’t think he is with me.  He will be there, guiding me through everything.  Dad will guide me down the road to recovery, even if he is in heaven.  He is my guardian angel.  He will make the party one that I will never forget. 387

Sunday, April 28th 2006388

I’m going home tomorrow.  I can’t write long, too excited to sit still.  I have been making my rounds of goodbyes to the doctors and nurses and I can’t wait to say goodbye to this place.  I talked to Murray on the phone last night, and he told me that he couldn’t wait until I come home, so we can hang out.  I was laughing at him and he told me that I sound way to energetic.  389

I’m so excited right now that my sentences are meshing together and I sound like a rambling twelve year old.  I just have so much running through my mind.  Who knew, after five months in a hospital that you would actually miss the place?  I promised the doctors and nurses that I would even come back to visit them once I was settled in at home again.   390

Mom called me to make sure that everything was ready and to make sure that I didn’t forget my guitar.  I laughed and told her that I wouldn’t forget it if my life depended on it.  Home, how great it sounds.  I don’t think I will be able to sleep a wink tonight; I just want to stay awake until the morning comes. 391

Monday, April 29th 2006392

I’M HOME!! Today was fabulous, my family gathered around me and showered me with gifts as soon as I stepped out of the car.  I got hugs and kisses and didn’t even realize so many people cared for me.  I got to eat cake and REAL food, not the hospital junk they always served me. 393

When I left the hospital I swear Nurse Mandy and Dr. Zannier were about to cry.  I felt sad too, I guess I will miss that place somewhat, but my friends would still be here.  394

Murray came to my party; I was shocked to see him.  I didn’t know that he would show up.  I was so happy.  I showed him my room, and pictures of my family and my old friends.  He flipped through my new stacks of CD’s and chucked the ones that he likes onto my bed. 395

“Billy Talent, yuk.  Def Leppard, good.  Pink Floyd, good.  Trooper, who the fuck is Trooper?”  Murray laughed as he picked apart my CD collection.396

After that he scanned my movies and started picking those apart too.  “God Ayden, you’re fucking spoiled.”397

I laughed; “it’s called summer jobs helping out my mom and dad.  If I wasn’t helping dad make boats, I was at the Pratt House with mom, helping her with tours.”  Murray shrugged and kept skimming the titles.398

When Murray left, I ate more cake and my family left after some warm goodbyes.  Mom took me in her arms and hugged me so tightly that I felt as if my head was going to fly off.   399

Mom, Lindsay and I, sat down on the couch, watched a movie, pigged out on chips, and cuddled. I feel like a wuss, but I missed them so much.  I feel so happy to be home again with those I love. 400

Mom and Lindsay fell asleep on the couch, I took the blankets and covered them.  Now I sit in my room, on my big comfy bed, waiting to fall asleep for the first time in forever, in my own bed.401

Wednesday, April 31st 2006402

I went to school today to pick apart my locker.  I don’t have to go to school until exams in June.  Mom thinks it will be good for me to settle in, before going out into the world again.  Mom and I also went shopping for some new clothes.  I got some brighter clothes, rather than all black.  I still like black clothes, but mom doesn’t like them, so I tried to pick out some dark blues and greens to make her happy.      403

Lindsay brought home a new friend today, Karina, she is so pretty and a year older than Lindsay.  I swear she blushed when I said hello to her, which is cute, I guess I’m not as bad looking as I thought.  Later, Lindsay told me that Karina thought I was cute.  I laughed and told her that I thought Karina was cute too.  Maybe I will start my life fresh, and find some people who accept me for who I am.  404

I talked to Murray today too and he laughed when I told him that I like my sister’s fifteen-year-old friend.  “I bet you’ll fuck this one,” he joked and I laughed.405

Lindsay told me that mom is seeing someone from work; I was shocked to hear it at first.  I actually think it’s good that mom is trying to find someone new; it will help her deal with the grieving process.  Dad would be happy to know that mom is moving on.  We’re all moving on.406

Friday, May 16th 2006407

I’ve been so busy lately.  I got myself a girlfriend.  Yes, it is Karina.  She’s someone special; I know it.  We’ve gone on a few dates and all seems great.  She’s a very happy person with a lot going for her.  Lindsay really does have a way of choosing friends, although they did meet while doing a school project.  I love her reddish blonde hair and greyish blue eyes; she’s gorgeous.  She really knows how to make me laugh and Murray agrees with me that she is something special.408

Phoenix came home and we went on a double date.  Phoenix and Karina realised they have lots in common and we all pigged out at the diner downtown.  We talked about everything.  Phoenix even drove two hours, just for this one date.  It made Murray and I laugh to know that she was so excited to come and see us.409

Lindsay thinks it’s wonderful that I found someone to be with.  I’ve been alone for way too long, and I need to find a sense of adolescence before it’s too late.410

Mom also introduced me to the guy she’s ‘seeing,’ his name is Billy, and he’s such an awesome guy.  We talked about a lot of stuff, and he sees like the perfect guy for me.  I’m so happy that she’s moving on.  411

I’ve made some study notes for my exams already and I submitted my culminating research papers too.  Now, I’m just waiting for the damn exams to come so I can get this year over with. 412

So much has happened that I feel like a new person.  I feel so alive and free spirited.413

Friday, June 20th 2006414

I just finished my exams and they were so easy.  I’m so happy that I will only have to finish only one semester next year.  I still want to get my scholarships.  They still have my name on them, waiting to be sent out in a gold envelope—kidding.415

Shocking news, its very shocking news.  Kerrigan had been released from the hospital a week ago. I had talked to her and everything seemed okay.  It really surprises me.  Kerrigan took her own life; she committed suicide.  I wish I could have guided her through her hard time.  Dr. Zannier, asked me to speak to her family about suicide, and I promised that I would explain things.  Her mother feels like it is her fault for everything.  Her father left again and he won’t show his face anywhere near the family.  416

I still can’t imagine why Kerri would take her own life.  She was such an innocent person; sometimes God is unfair to some individuals.  Sometimes unfair is fair.  Kerrigan put a gun to her head and pulled the trigger.  It’s not a very common thing that suicidal girls do.  I hope she isn’t punished for taking her own life.  She tried so hard, but it doesn’t mean we have to end it.417

Crybaby418

Over Confident persona419

Look life in the face420

Disown it421

Mock till your face turns blue422

Climb into this girl’s demented tomb423

Find an empty spot to place your heart424

What the hell was she supposed to do?425

Crybaby, tears shed, tears shed426

Crybaby, gun to her head427

Crybaby, tears shed, tears shed428

Crybaby, gun to her head429

She begged her hand to pull the trigger430

Life ended with a twitch of a finger431

Death just sighed and watched her die432

Find an empty spot to place your heart433

What the hell was she supposed to do?434

Crybaby, she lays dead, he lays dead435

Crybaby, head full of lead436

Crybaby, she lays dead, he lays dead437

Crybaby, head full of lead438

Confidence was never known no439

No one’s perfect but she never knew so440

The world just laughed and watched her cry441

Now we have to sit and watch her die442

How come life was so damn hard for her?443

Crybaby, tears shed, tears shed444

Crybaby, gun to her head445

Crybaby, she lays dead, she lays dead446

Crybaby, head full of lead447

She’s Gone…448

I seriously thought about death as an escape.  I look back at the time and think of how stupid I was.449

I was asked to speak at Kerri’s funeral and I will do my best to be strong, for her sake.  She was my best friend, and I feel as if I pushed her away.  Nothing I do now can change what she did to herself.  Nothing I do can bring her back to life.  All I can do now is pray for her soul.  Kerri wherever you are, you were amazing, and I will always remember our special friendship.  I will always love you.450

Shame451

Tears befall452

Eyes grown wet453

Sobbing Loudly454

We will never forget455

Our dear friend456

Forever kind457

Nor the life458

She left behind459

In memories460

We suffer her pain461

Remembering the way462

That she was shamed463

All the pride464

Loved ones defend465

As she is returned466

To God once again467

Sunday, June 22nd 2006468

This journal, or my “Book of Sacrifice” is dedicated in the memory of Kerrigan Smith, who took her life, June 20th 2006.  I offer it as a token to remember the pain of a suicidal person, and every thought that runs through their minds.  469

My life is an unopened book filled with anxiety.  The cover shows my life of torment and difficulty…my body grows lifeless.  Existence is my ultimate sacrifice.470

This is how many people feel when they are prepared to take their lives.  With help and guidance, I fought depression, but some people are unaware that someone does care and is willing to help them.  So if you are in need, don’t judge a book by it’s cover, read between the lines, someone is always willing to listen to what you have to say.  471

Kerrigan was a wonderful daughter, sister and friend.  She always knew the right things to say when someone was in need.  She had a big heart and never judged you for what you were on the outside, but she searched for the person on the inside.  She will always have a special place in our hearts; we will always remember her smile and her laugh.  Whenever we close our eyes, we will picture her with us, paving our way.  She takes our hands and guides us towards tomorrow, a better day.472

Living is natural and so is death.  I’m glad that I didn’t die when I tried to take my own life.  I realize now, how precious life can be.  All living things die but we don’t have the ability to choose when it will happen, it just does.473

I, Ayden Shadows, am proud to be…474

...nothing more than a memory.475