The slippery snake escaped her yet again, he was so eager to leave and covered in grease. She was in no condition to fight hard to get it, she let it slip from her hands, she knew that all was lost. It looked so strange, the snake, pink and covered in veins. It kept on going all the way down the stairs, she never would have guessed it to be so long. More snakes, lesser ones, wanted to join it. She felt her heartbeat coming to a halt, as more of the veiny snakes fell out of her abdomen, covered in blood. Her killer smiled at her as she fell to the floor, stopping the last of her intestines from making their way out of her. It would still take some time before she really died, but she would just lie there now, waiting.1
He sat on a chair by her side and watched her until she died. It took longer than usual, almost an hour after she had collapsed. Even though he knew they were alone, the husband wouldn't come home for hours, he never took of his mask as he sat there. He wore his mask like a face. And it looked like a face, a smooth and featureless face, a face of nightmares.2
*3
Julie was the one to lock up the clinic, a responsibility she wore with pride. Every night, for the last five years, she'd been doing it. A few times she'd had trouble getting a drunk or a junkie out of there, but when she threatened with the police, few of them lingered for long. Even when it came to the need of drugs, most of them understood that they'd be better off if they would just wait until the morning. And those of them who didn't, well, her boyfriend would scare them off. Mark was a big guy, he scared the normal people away. That was until he talked, when Mark talked, everyone would stay to listen, he had a beautiful voice. Julie found herself lost in thoughts of Mark, when she realized that he was waiting for her outside. She kept locking the doors around her, and was just starting on the doors of the long dark main corridor, when she heard something. It was a barely audible sound, but she was sure that she'd heard it. It sounded like footsteps, muffled and long down the corridor, but footsteps just the same.4
"Is there anyone there?" she asked. She'd checked a couple of minutes ago, but that was before she'd been to the toilet, and all the doors had been unlocked. She'd had a song in her mind the whole day, but she didn't remember which one it was, probably one of Marks heavy songs, it popped up again.
'Cause in my dreams, it's always there, the evil face that twists my mind and brings me to despair'. She was sure she'd seen something down the dark corridor, a face, but it was too dark and she was too tired to be sure if it was real or not. She took up her phone from her pockets and quickly dialed Marks number, she didn't want to move further down the corridor without him. Two rings, three, four. He wasn't answering. Nine rings, ten, eleven... 'Hi, you've reached Mark...' she hung up. His voice had been comforting, even though he hadn't picked up. Julie figured that she'd see him soon enough, she'd just have to ignore the sounds and sights of the darkness as she locked the rest of the doors. She smiled as she turned to lock one of the last doors inside. Then she saw it again, down the corridor, the face she'd seen earlier, accompanied by the sound of footsteps. She turned towards it quickly, but it had already darted across the floor from one room to the next. Julie was really scared now, like never before. She took up her phone again, but she was shivering, and as it left her pocket she lost hold of it and it fell to the floor. She kept looking forward, towards the one in the shadows and the exit of the clinic, as she leaned down to pick up the phone. That's when he emerged from one of the unlocked rooms, a man, dressed in a dark trenchcoat. His hands were in his pockets, and his face was hidden by the dark brown hat he wore, completely covering it in the shadows. But as he started walking towards her, and his face became more and more visible, Julie couldn't help but just stand there and stare. She had the phone in her hands, but couldn't bring herself to dial 911. His face was just so pure, so innocent. But it was also so featureless and...5
Julie realized too late that the featureless face had been a mask. The man had suddenly picked up speed, and drew two knives from his pockets as he ran. She had only been able to dial 91 before he cut off her hand in a powerful blow of his knife. Both of them had chopped at her, and as one had severed her hand and made her arm into a fountain, the other had lunged at her chest. She had screamed, but realized that no-one would hear her when she saw Marks phone in one of the mans wide trenchcoat-pockets. She fell backwards to the floor, the impact and the shock of the situation had made her numb. She saw all, but didn't feel much, as the man gently cut her into pieces. It wasn't until her fingers, arms and one of her feet had been placed in a pile beside her that her vision faded. The last thing she saw was those beautiful dark blue eyes hidden behind the fake face of the killer.6
*7
Mary enjoyed her late-night strolls through the park, they gave her time to think. And think she did, she thought about the state of her life, of how perfect it had been lately. She'd just got engaged with her Johnathan, and they'd moved into this town just in time for the baby to arrive, little baby Susan. And now she'd received the news that she got the job she applied for just last week. Everything was going so smoothly, and she enjoyed life now like she had never enjoyed life before. 8
The cold night air was a reminder of how good life felt, and Mary decided that it was time to get back to John and Susy. They'd both be asleep now, but she'd be quiet, she always was. A big smile was on her face when she suddenly heard something move in the bushes by her side. A man jumped out and ran for her. She barely had time to react before he had knocked her over. He slapped her across the face before he started unbuckling his pants. He was wearing a dark trenchcoat and a brown hat, and he had an ugly face, scarred and bruised after a long life of living in the dirt. Mary smiled as she reached into her own coat. The man groaned and moaned as he started on Marys pants, ripping them open, buttons being torn right off. His member, hanging out of his jeans, reacted immediately upon seeing her white panties. It awoke, as if from a slumber, ready to get to work. But his arousal had distracted him, and the man never saw Marys two knives coming for his head.9
Mary got up from under the dead vagrant, and picked up his head. She took her facemask from her coat, and put it on the vagrants head. It didn't look as innocent as it did with her own dark blue eyes beneath it, but it would work. Soon she'd start work at the clinic, and it would be great to be able to start without having ever to think about the mask again. She had retired it now, she though, as she wiped the handle of the two knives and put it in the hands of the vagrant. He'd cut his own head of? Well, that'd be for the police to find out. Mary picked up the buttons from her pants and put them in her pocket, then walked home to John and Susy. Johns mother had died just a few months ago, a strange and violent killing, so she wouldn't be able to disturb their perfect lives either. Mary had planned it all. Now she could be truly happy, without a singly worry. 10
Mary smiled, all the way home.
Author notes
'Cause in my dreams, it's always there, the evil face that twists my mind and brings me to despair' is from Iron Maidens song 'The Number of The Beast'. The story isn't based upon it, but I was listening to it as I wrote it 
(Tell me of errors you find, cause now it's 2AM and I better start watching a movie if I want to be awake all the way through it 
So I'll edit more later ;D)
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Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I'm dropping in for a second read (for Solavar's sake over at Monsters and Demons and Villains)
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Good job. Creepy. But that was what was intended right? So good job.
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I enjoyed this dark and creepy read very much. I would have suggestions to offer on what needs to be fixed, but it seems some others have already made those same suggestions so I won't bother sounding like a broken record.
Overall, this was wonderfully dark. I liked it and especially loved the twist
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I realize that this is flawed, and I intend to edit it later on, I just haven't gotten around to it yet I'm afraid =D
(There is so much yet to write, I forget to tend to my older writings =p)
But thanks a bunch for reading it, and for commenting on it, that's always appreciated =D Glad you liked it =) -
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No worries
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The ideas behind your dark tale are great, and the plotting fulfills the their promise
. The story is an action thriller, scary and fist clutching. You drew some interesting characters to put into your frightening scenes. The killer being female was grand twist at the end 
That said, you do require some editing. Keep in mind possessive nouns require an apostrophe Mary’s—Mark’s.
Shorter paragraphs are more griping when working in action/mystery genre.
Some dialogue now and then helps to make your characters feel alive and the activity realistic.
I pointed out some things for you to look at:
The slippery snake escaped her yet again, ( he was so eager to leave and covered in grease. Or two sentences if you remove so. JMHO but it read clearer this way (It was so eager to leave and covered in grease, the slippery snake escaped her yet again.)
Even though he knew they were alone, the husband wouldn't come home for hours, he never took of (off) his mask as he sat there.
He wore his mask like a face. And it looked like a face, a smooth and featureless face, a face of nightmares.2 (It looked like a face…a smooth and featureless face; a face of nightmare.)*3
(NP) Mark was a big guy, he scared the normal people away.
but she didn't remember which one it was, probably one of Marks (Mark’s) heavy songs,
(NP) She was sure she'd seen something down the dark corridor,
She took up her phone from her pockets (pocket) and quickly dialed Marks (Mark’s) number,
(NP) His voice had been comforting, even though he hadn't picked up.
That's when he emerged from one of the unlocked rooms, a man, dressed in a dark trenchcoat.(trench coat)
(NP) His hands were in his pockets, and his face was hidden by the dark brown hat he wore, completely covering it in the shadows. Not clear shrug ( He stood in the shadows, his hands in his pockets, and his face was hidden by the dark brown hat he wore.)
She had screamed, but realized that no-one would hear her when she saw Marks (Mark’s) phone in one of the mans(man’s) wide trenchcoat-pockets.
(NP) She fell backwards to the floor, *7
(NP)The man groaned and moaned as he started on Marys (Mary’s) pants, ripping them open
But his arousal had distracted him, and the man never saw Marys (Mary’s) two knives coming for his head.9
She took her facemask from her coat, and put it on the vagrants( vagrant’s) head.
She had retired it now, she though,(thought) as she wiped the handle of the two knives and put it (them) in the hands of the vagrant.
He'd cut his own head of? (off?)
(NP)Johns (John’s) mother had died just a few months ago, a strange and violent killing,
Geri
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Interesting story, needs a bit of a brush up but very good nontheless. I'm not 100% sure that the misdirection works so well: the idea of the killer being a she in the end is great, as are all of the references to them being a 'he'. However, I did get thrown off course when the second victim saw Marks phone in the killers pocket. It made me think that the killer ws going to be Mark, which I am guessing was your intention. But when the killer turns out to be Mary I kind of lost the significance of the phone? Why would she have Marks phone in her pocket and what as her connection to him?
I think it just needs a little bit of a tidy up to pull all of the parts together - like someone else mentioned about the first victim, why does she kill her? And who is she?
I think the story would also benefit from a little more detail about Mary. I didn't really notice her until the end - but it would be nice to know what her connection is with the victims before you reveal that she is in fact the killer. It would give more depth and motivation to her character and form a common thread which would run through the entire story (the character who has contact with all of the victims), although I do like the way she looked like she was going to be another victim there.
Overall, a good tale. Just needs a few loose ends and confusing angles straightening out. Keep on with it. ^-^
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Overall, an interesting story with a good twist. However, there is no indication of who killed the woman in the opening paragraphs. Even if the 'he' is a deliberate misdirection, you still need to give the reader some plausible explanation for why he was a masked killer just like Mary. Unless you mean for the reader to infer that this man is Mary's husband. Paragraph 5 could be split up and written a lot more actively than how it currently reads. It is meant to be full of action and suspense, and with some care with the paragraph and sentence structure you could potentially improve the pacing and presentation of this section.
Thank you for your entry in Murder and Mayhem
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The first killer is also Mary, killing her mother in law. I know, I know, it's impossible to tell Bad wrapping up of the last part I guess, but yeah 'he' was a deliberate misdirection
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that was very cool and creepy i loved it
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interesting and a little spooky,
I noticed a few errors;
p2 the change in point of view here was a little confusing. I would separate it just like you did with the next scene.
p5 "'Cause in my dreams," you're using the apostrophe here for the opening quote but 'cause also requires one because it's missing letters.
"Marks heavy songs," and "quickly dialed Marks" Mark's should also have an apostrophe since it's possessive.
"Nine rings, ten, eleven... 'Hi, you've reached Mark...'" Wow! That many rings before it went to voicemail? I would have hung up by then. Plus the footsteps would have gotten a lot closer while she waited.
p10 "She had retired it now, she though, " should be thought.
"He'd cut his own head of? " s/b off
"without a singly worry" s/b single
but...but... in p2 you put "he" actually to avoid a lot of confusion both because of the pov issue and this issue I'd get rid of p2 all together. It doesn't really fit with the rest of the story's formula.
There's quite a bit of passive bits here especially in the action section. I'd suggest you watch how many times you write was and had and try to remove some or replace as many as you can with active verbs.
Hmm... it was good and a different take on a murder mystery. I really didn't see it coming that Mary was the killer. Was it just total coincidence that the vagrant was wearing a coat and brown hat?
I'm missing the desire portion though. I mean I kind of get that Mary is doing all this to be with her husband, but there's no real desire there for him from her perspective, I mean it seems she's doing this more for herself than him.
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Very sick and bloody
But very twisted. Amazing how many of the sickos are turning out to be female.
This was a good story and I did have to stay with it to the end. Its hard to believe that Mary killed her Mother-In-Law for a job and to keep her from interfering.
Good job.
Trish
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.
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