The Second Serpent

Loop after loop of glistening, wet, black snake coiled unwillingly around a large reel, patted into place by the filthily gloved hand of its master. He shut off the painfully loud motor, and spoke into the ringing silence, “That should take care of it, lady.”1

Mentally, I retorted, “At $50.00 for a house call, plus $60.00 an hour labor, it had better!” 2

It wasn’t easy to let go of the check I wrote him, but in a one-bathroom home, the one bathroom HAS to work!3

After ushering his large, dripping rubber boots to the door, I returned to the bathroom. Black grease and toilet water seemed to be everywhere, and my germ-phobic nature was appalled. But instead of inviting back Mr. $60.00-per-Hour, I opted to do the cleanup myself.4

Kids! 5

Recent interrogation had indicated today’s culprit was my youngest, who for no reason I could fathom had chosen to flush his favorite bright orange Pocket Popple. This toy was a stuffed fabric ball with plastic arms, legs and head, which could be folded into its large marsupial pouch so it looked like a soft, cloth ball (with a dangling orange string and pompom tail). Of course, he wasn’t very verbal yet, so this was all according to his two older sisters.6

A subsequent visit to my favorite hardware store revealed that, for under $20.00, a frugal homeowner could purchase their very own toilet snake. Of course, it was not as long as the professional models, nor did it have a motor to spin it. Instead, a silvery foot-long aluminum tube with a small bend in its middle was held by its top half in one hand as the bottom was twisted in little circles with the other hand. This provided both the forward and spinning motion. The friendly clerk assured me the 8-foot snake was a good choice, especially as most clogs occur within the first six feet from the base of the toilet. 7

I was already a self-taught expert at plunging. It would be good to expand my skill set. I almost looked forward to trying out my new tool! I returned home, feeling empowered. No more filthy black grease, thoughtless slopping of toilet water, or hefty pay-outs. I would take care of my own problems!8

My opportunity eventually arrived. When plunging was not enough to clear the blockage, I brought out my shiny silver snake. She was slimmer than the greasy black monster, but I had faith in her!9

I payed out her length, slowly and steadily, through the circling bent tube. My next door neighbor and girlfriend, Lynn, knocked on the front door and then stepped inside and called for me. I hollered down to her that I was in the bathroom, and invited her to come on up. 10

As I vigorously threaded my snake down, I responded with considerable pride to her quizzical, “What are you doing?”11

“I’m clearing a clogged drain! Look!” I pulled back on the aluminum tube, expecting this would pull the snake back out. Instead, it was freed completely as I triumphantly raised my hand. A glistening silver flash, a ceramic "clink" as she spun around, and she was gone! A quick look in the bottom of the bowl revealed that all but a small tip of silver tail had slithered down the drain. My ears momentarily rang as blood emptied from my head, rolling over my stomach queasily en route to my feet. With eyes bugging out in disbelief, I turned to look at Lynn in complete horror. We stared together into the bowl, and then at the tube I still held. My ever-courteous neighbor found herself inarticulate over yet another of my 'do-it-yourself' home projects.12

“Umm, Lynn, could you grab me a pair of pliers? I don't want to take my eyes off it.” After some breathtaking suspense, I managed to secure a grip on the metallic tail, and slowly started to “unwind” it from the depths. 13

Yes, the drain cleared. But the utter panic of the experience was not one I had the nerve to repeat.14

Eventually, my one-use snake, tidily coiled in its box, made its way to the dumpster. It was now mottled orange with rust (apparently, thick black grease prevents this). 15

It just didn’t seem to be the kind of item one could pass on...16