Jack "Big Mac" Johnson

Back in the day, in about the year 2005 or so, there was a young man. This young man was maybe 20 years old or so, and was quite unremarkable. He was average sized,with average intelligence, and nothing made him stand out. However, he was destined for an even greater destiny than King Custerdninas the First, who defeated the giant Imperial Army of Dippin Dotxes the First (that numbered in the millions) with a force comprised of 300 scoops at the Battle of The Ice Cream Shop Gates (or the Battle of Icecreamopylae). What's that you say? It was King LEONIDAS the First, who defeated the Persian army of Xerxes the First (that numbered in the millions) at the Battle of The Hot Gates (or the Battle of Thermopylae)? Well, moving on. The young man's name was Jack Johnson. His friends called him Jack. And his destiny was the greatest to ever have been conceived by humans, but he did not know about it, and he did not know about his parents, legendary eaters. Jack also did not know what he himself had accomplished as a baby. If you had gone into his parent's memories, you would have seen wondrous things. Jack had been a baby with a fully developed digestive system of steel. He ate forks, baby toys, "baby-proof" gates, and food. It made no difference to him, as a baby. However, Jack had not remembered that part of his life, and so thought himself a normal eater, though he DID realize that he had an extra large capacity for unusual foods, and that he loved McDonald's food like nothing else.1

But back to the present, Jack was just now finishing up a paper for his college history class. He typed the last few words, yawned hugely, and glanced at the clock. It read 2:33 AM. McDonald's would still be open, and Jack was hungry. He always was, after finishing a particularly strenuous task. Strenuous meaning that it took more than five or so brain cells, and required him to do something other than eat or drink. He got up, and left his dorm room. Luckily, there was a McDonald's across the street. He walked across, and ordered the usual. Five Big Macs, three large fries, and an extra large drink. Jack sat down, and was about to take a bite when a large, colorful poster caught his attention. It was an eating contest to take place at McDonald's today, at 10 AM. Interesting, Jack thought. I might just take part. And so, with that decision in mind, he finished his food, walked back to his dorm, and slumped into bed. 2

His alarm woke him at exactly 9:30, and he smashed the off button and groggily got up. Pulling a chip from the bag he kept beside his bed, Jack slouched off to the bathroom to wash and clean before the contest. A few minutes later, he emerged out of the dorm, and headed across to the street. 3

"Jack, dear!" A female voice rang out when right before the young man had wormed his way through the crowd surrounding the parking lot, where the event was taking place. Jack turned around. "Mom!"4

"You've got some competition, it looks like." A tall, ordinary looking man stood next to his mother. Jack grinned. "Dad!"5

"Those wishing to compete, take seats at the central table!" An amplified announcer's voice cut through the chatter of the crowd, which instantly became hushed, waiting for the contestants. 6

Jack and his parents strode dramatically forward and took seats, Jack in between his mom and dad. There were about fifteen other contenders around them. They waited, and a giant platter of Big Macs, fries, and drinks were brought out for each of the contestants. As a few were set down in front of the Johnson family, Jack grinned impishly at his parents, confident that he would beat them. His mother smirked back, quite a challenging smirk. His dad merely raised his eyebrows with a slightly cocky smile.7

"On your marks, get set, EAT!!" The announcer boomed.8

Jack immediately shoveled huge bites of fries and Big Macs into his waiting mouth. Little did he know it, but today was the day his destiny was to be revealed. He glanced quickly to his left and right, and was shocked by the sight that met him; he reflexively sped up his eating pace. His mother was ahead of him by a few burgers, and his dad even farther ahead. Jack's head reeled, though he kept eating. His mom and dad must have been the legendary eaters who ate with the Custerdninas, the fabled duo who devoured over a million Dippin' Dot warriors at the Battle of Icecreamopylae! 9

Time passed. Jack did not know how long, but he never felt full in the slightest. He ate, and ate, and ate, seeing only the platters loaded with food in front of him, and the ones that were empty taken away. Jack barely registered the the two plops that probably meant his parents had keeled over into their food. All of a sudden, a blaring voice startled him extremely. "And we have a winnahhh!!"10

Jack looked up for the first time, and was shocked once again. The crowd of watchers was deathly silent, and the contestants... The contestants, including his parents, were face down in their platters of burgers of fries.11

"What is yo name, son?" A white man walked over to Jack, and lifted him up out of his chair. Jack raised his eyebrows at the display of jesting racism, and said, "Jack."12

"Well Jack, here is your prize! A lifetime supply of McDonald's!!"13

Jack gasped. Here was his wildest dream come true! The crowd burst into applause and cheering. "Th-thank you so much, mistah!" 14

Jack danced his way back to the dorm, almost crying. 15

And so, the legend of Jack "Big Mac" Johnson began. He traveled many places, devouring millions upon millions of Big Macs, and began to grow fat. He soon realized a problem. IF he grew fat and died from his not-so-healthy lifestyle, then Jack could not eat Big Macs anymore. So he thought and thought for a solution to this dilemma, all the while eating Big Macs. And he had it.16

He would become...the world's greatest broccoli eater.17

And so, Jack "Big Mac" became Jack "Big Mac to Broccoli" and ate broccoli. But came one fateful day. Jack was eating broccoli alone at his fancy house, having made money from eating contests all over the world, when he discovered something. Broccoli was actually bad for you. The kids had been right all along! Jack clutched at his stomach and reached for the phone. Jack punched in 244-622, or the numbers that spelled Big Mac. Then a wracking seizure keeled Jack over, and he lay on the floor, turning green.18

Paramedics arrived within a minute, and carted him to the hospital. They did everything they could, and his family turned up to support him. But in the end, the only thing they could do was wait for him to die... Then a young nephew of his, had a bright idea. "Quick, send for a Big Mac!"19

The whole family caught on, and they rushed in a great wave out the hospital to find a nearby McDonald's. Fortunately, a nurse had just ordered a Big Mac for herself, but decided to give it to John. She left it next to him, and gave him privacy. Jack ate, feeling his strength, and his stomach, return. He belched. And that is all we know of Jack "Big Mac to Broccoli" Johnson. His family came back with buttloads of Big Macs to find his bed empty, a single Big Mac little box on his bed, with a note written in ketchup. It read: I love you all, thank you so much. I might never see you again. Good bye. Love, Jack.20

And so ended the story of Jack Johnson. However, there are rumors. It is said that if you travel to the land of Broccoli MacBig, then you will see Jack, eating to his heart's content. Or if you just turn up at a McDonald's. "Ghost Whisperers" have been known to conduct seances to contact the fabled eater using Big Macs to "summon his spirit" in vain. We may never know what really happened to 21

Jack Big Mac to Broccoli Johnson