The Lovable Loser (Chapter 1)

I awoke feeling a chill run across my body. It was the kind of chill as if I was slightly sun burned and the sun was setting and breeze had blown over my new red skin. In fact that’s exactly what it was. I awoke in my party entire which included my board shorts, a cloth Mexican parka, a sombrero, and a fake black mustache. What I have failed to mention was I was at a Fiesta Themed pool party. I sat up trying to make out where I was and how I had gotten there. I had a half a bottle of tequila near by which explained the short term memory loss. Even thou I had the worse cotton mouth from being dehydrated and because I had most likely fallen asleep with my mouth open I did not dare drink it.1

Still trying to wake up and figure out what was going on, a new piece of the puzzle laid to the right of me on the grassy hill. It was some brunette I had seen numerous times but never took the time to learn her name. Don’t know why I never learned her name, even thou I’m positive I had heard it before but it never crossed my mind to store it in the name fault especially seeing how the word “babe” would universally be given to all members of the opposite sex by me. This brunette was cute and if I’d of been a wiser man at the time, I think I would have liked to start a relationship with her. Granted I only saw her at social gathers like this, and with alcohol around I was usually the life of the party if not, I was most likely the problem of the party.2

Either way I was always drawn to her and most of the time what I could remember we always had a great time. It appears that we had both ventured away from the party to this park area in the middle of the housing track my friend lived at, to enjoy each other’s company on a more private level. She laid there still sleeping as if she safe with a close friend at home in her house rather than a park in the middle of August. She had a great body, curves in all the right places. I remember awkwardly starring at her as she slept, with perverted thoughts flowing in and out of my head, as my eyes molested her bikini clad body.3

As good as her body was, her face was a different story. Her eyes seemed too close together and her nose had this weird bump in it, she still was attractive but for whatever reason I kept picking at her imperfections. She was a “butter face” to me, nice body “but her face”. Get it? I know it’s a rather shallow thing to say seeing how I’m no catch either. You could describe me as a husky David Schwimmer. You know Ross, from the TV show “Friends”? So picture Ross with a little bit of a beer gut, broader shoulders, and an extra chin, so yes I’m aware I’m not prize either. I’m just telling you this story how I saw it.4

As I’m eye raping her, it dawns on me and I begin to wonder if we had hooked up. I’ve never ever done anything with this girl but harmless flirting but it is clear we had separated ourselves from the party for that purpose. I continue to wonder if I did because if I had done so I’d feel obligated to wake her up, walk back with her and eventually learn her name. I feel my fake mustache and its still in perfect condition, not loose or coming off. To me that was a clear sign that nothing had happened. If we had been making out or doing other things my mustache would have popped loose from the lip movement or the sweat and it clearly had not. Then I chuckle to myself because I think about how awesome my mustache is.5

I have given myself personal clearance to leave this girl her in the park because I have no obligation to make that awkward walk back to the house with her. You know that forced conversation where either party has anything to talk about and don’t want to talk to each other but you feel forced to because your walking side by side with each other and the silence is really uncomfortable so you make stupid conversation? Yeah, that’s the awkward walk I’m talking about. I get up quietly so she doesn’t wake but not before I could camera phone her body and especially her left boob that has now made its way out of the bikini top. I did this because I felt that was the honorable thing to do and its something my friends will love to look at later.6

I start my long stumble back to my friend’s house. I was bare footed walking across hot gravel and when I finally figured out where I was, I was about a half mile away from his house. Which popped the question into my head, had I have driven there? I couldn’t imagine making this walk black out drunk, seeing how I’m finding fairly difficult to make this journey coming off a buzz. I laughed because I had been stumbling through four months of this behavior, not caring or knowing what I was doing or where I was half the time and at this moment it was extremely funny to me.7

I didn’t know it at the time, but I would never ever talk to the brunette with the body again. Apparently waking up in a foreign park by herself pissed her off beyond words. I had seen her again but she just gave me the cold stare and actually had black listed me from that social group’s girls. So I had no chance of even talking to any of those girls and right fully so. What I had learned about that day is, that I had gotten so drunk that I had become so obnoxious that my friends had tried to cut off my alcohol intake which resulted in me getting pissed off and leaving the party. The brunette with the body, who at the time had a huge crush on me, was worried about me and wanted to make sure I was ok and didn’t get lost, followed me on my drunk angry walk. 8

So you could see why me, leaving her in the park, after she had babysat me until I had passed out, would upset her a little bit. Of course it wasn’t until she completely stopped talking to me did I realize how cool she was and then how much I wanted her. Weeks later she met some guy and got into a serious relationship and fell off the map of that social circle. Her friends tell me she’s happy and how I missed out on a good thing, blah blah blah, just typical girls feeling the need to pour salt in the wound. I am happy for her and wish her nothing but the best. I don’t know how someone as sweet and cool as her could have been attracted to the mess that was me, back then.9

Anyways getting back to my stumble back to my friend’s house, I tell you this story because it was at this very moment I asked myself what the hell went wrong. I’m twenty four, I’m currently un-employed, I didn’t finish my degree, I have no money, I still live with my parents, and I truly have no purpose in life whatsoever. How did I get here? My feet burned on the hot gravel but it didn’t seem to bother me anymore. I was dumb founded on how little I’d had done. I mean not only was I broke but I hadn’t even been to Europe yet!10

Of course as you’re reading this first story, you’re right I deserve everything I’ve gotten. But it always wasn’t like this. I had been a hard worker and good student. At one point in my life I was trying to save money and was working three jobs. How did I get to this point of being the drunk losers from all the stereotypical teen movies? I spent the entire journey back which should of taken me ten minutes, took me thirty because I was so lost in depressing thought, that I had wondered around looking to the heavens for answers. Tears had started pouring out of my eyes, “Great” I thought, “Just what I needed to be the uncontrollable crying depressed guy at the party.”11

No matter how hard I tried I could not stop crying. I just kept thinking about how I let everything slip away and how much I had let my parents down who had such high hopes for me. The main thing I could not get out of my head was, how I thought I had tried and did everything right but I just couldn’t get over the hump, leaving me this pathetic mess who is seen wondering the streets in once what was considered funny Fiesta Party favors has now become an immature notion of my inability to accomplish anything in my adult life. 12

I arrived at my friend’s house, everyone was still in full party swing, I had been away for about three hours and people were finally getting drunk to the point I was at when I left. This party still had a solid two hours left and a couple hours of the buzz falling out. I didn’t want to see any of these people right now nor could I just drive home. I grabbed a couple beers from the fridge and went through the house to his garage. His garage was set up like a redneck lounge with random couches everywhere with a pool table in the middle. I sat in one of the couches trying to drink the beer as quick as possible thinking maybe if I got drunk again I could snap out of this depressive state of mind. But I couldn’t. I just sat there, drinking beers, fighting back tears, and reflecting on this life I have lived.13

Some say things weren’t that bad for me and things could be worse. Which is true, things could have been of been a lot worse. But to me they were because I was such a goal driven person and it wasn’t until that day that I realized I was a year away from being twenty five and I had not accomplished any of my goals that I laid out for myself when I was sixteen. The truth was I wasn’t even close! When I was sixteen I expected to have a degree, a career, and be on the verge of purchasing a house or at least living on my own and not with my parents. Those were my main goals, and other stuff like date a super model I just threw out the window especially when I was compared to David Schwimmer.14

Everyone has their moment of doubt and this was mine. I would like to tell you I turned around from here, snapped out of it and made something of myself but I didn’t. I tried don’t get me wrong, you could say this is the moment when I snapped out of it and really starting trying hard again. So how did I get here you ask? How did I get from the young boy with so much ambition to the lovable loser who just can’t seem to get it right? Unfortunately I feel that’s what I’m destined to be the lovable loser who survived life by just getting by. So this is the story of my life, the life of just getting by.15