~Con~

~ Con ~1

A short story by Shane Amyotte2

Pt.13

Things just happen we can’t explain. These are the words that run through my head at this moment, but what does it really mean? Maybe I’ll never know, or maybe I’m just not looking hard enough for the answer. It seems many people these days forget to really look at things. Everyday no matter where I am, maybe walking down a street, or standing by a stream, I observe. A fallen leaf lying on the ground could mean so little to many people, but when I look at it, it’s a piece of time. It’s grown and seen so much, now its time is up, left to be stepped on by the rushing world beneath it.4

Everyone in this world, no matter who you are, thinks. But we all think differently, like our personalities, our minds are unique, they move and flow at different levels. Me? I’m a deep-thinker, and no doubt interested in understanding many of life's mysteries and more intriguing facets. These days, I don’t know what life means to me, or anybody.5

I stepped through the mud of the watered down field behind my house, I felt the water seeping into my shoes. It had rained the night before, and the air was still musky as usual. I had never seen the back country of the small farming community so dark and slightly frightening, but it was a feeling I had to get used to. The streets were damp and empty, no one likes driving out this far from town. There’s no point.6

I’m sure my strengths come from my ability to listen and absorb. I’m a fixer, a mediator, and a very diplomatic type of person, but there are still so many things about myself I have yet to discover. Most of my days are about discovery, from the small things, like discovering that leaf, or big things, like the meaning to life. Whatever every day shows me, impacts me in some way. 7

Enough about me, for its not me you need to understand, it’s you. I am Con, the most uncommon gay male of my generation, for that’s who I believe I am right now. And who may you be? You can answer that. Or can you? Maybe I can help you figure that out, you take from me as you wish, pick the pieces from my words and make your own interpretation, of you, life and questions you would never think of.8

The day had just peaked, the sun rose high above the tree tops, but the warmth was masked, hidden by the chilled breeze. I had thought about many things the past few days, a mix of events confused me. Leaving me more lost than ever in the forest of my mind. Like most teenagers, I tend to be very ignorant, but can that be expected? Indeed, I can sometimes become oversensitive. In some instances, my strengths can also become my weakness. I find it hard to decide what to do at times, but I’ll never let that ruin me, for I know in time things will change, and form something better, or maybe even worse.9

My life changed when I was 16, I experienced a new feeling I had never explored. A new battle field I was left to conquer, alone. Love. Those days were much different; I lived in a world shielded by those who meant the most to me. My parents, teachers, and the little amount of close friends I had. But in those days, freedom meant very little to me, only the time where I could sit and look through the little glowing screen of a computer, is when I could view the bigger picture that surrounded me. September 7th, was the day I received a message from the boy who I had no idea would change everything from there on.10

His name was Emrys. Though he was amazing in many ways, and perfect in my eyes, a slight feeling of mystery always surrounded him. This I liked. What I didn’t like was that he lived 16 hours away, this became very painful, but the time I spent from him, made every second together mean so much more. Like the first taste of the sweetest apple from the top of the tree, he was a blessing to me while at the same time a problem to dwell upon. Like being at the top of a tree with no ladder, I felt stranded by the constant absence of him.11

10 months past, and by then I had already made my share of mistakes, things I would have never thought of, of even imagined myself doing, happened. I cause pain to Emrys and myself, and he cause pain to me and for that we ended. What more could I loose? That’s what I thought. But now I know, no matter how much pain and suffering I go through, something good will always come from it. 12

Those moments of frustration and confusion, loss, and suffering, may all seem empty and endless. People try to forget these moments, for they bring back the pain, but why should we forget? If we forget, then what will we learn? Nothing. Those mistakes will just be carried on again and again. Pain or happiness, both is a blessing.13

Time in my life continued to move on and the space between the world and me slowly closed. I was now older, I had experienced pains I should not have yet, but for that I built my wall. My own fortress in my mind I could hide in, but there I would get lost in my fantasy. I guess you could say I’m often unable to distinguish between fantasy and reality. Bad? Maybe.14

Months past and school began, as did the many other boys that entered my life. Most relationships I tried to flourish were band-aids, Bandages to heal and hide my deep cuts that were inflicted upon my very soul. This frustrated me.15

How long could I keep this up? I felt as if every boy meant nothing, I fell for the thought of being loved again, being truly cared for, and this changed how I acted and reacted to those who would surround me.16

I walked into my familiar school surroundings once again; it was my 3rd year of high school. The smell of burnt french fries filled the halls, voices echoing, and the clock ticking, added to the moment. This day seemed like most others, but for me it was a day of change, something new.17

My friends are very dear to me, we live, learn, and teach together. We are the supports for each other, and help our minds expand. Jacy, a girl with long brown hair, was one of those people who had my back through anything, and no matter the situation, would always help me through rough patches. Today’s rough patch? drugs.18

When I was offered my first joint, I didn’t know what to think of it. Right in front of me a bundle of green plant matter was rolled into something I only saw in movies. But for the heck of trying it, I did. Jacy, among all people accompanied me. She too seemed rather uneasy as I placed the joint to my lips and inhaled the sweet scenting smoke. It traveled through my throat and filled my lungs, of course I coughed, but the feeling was nothing new, for I smoked cigarettes.19

After that moment a whole new plain of thinking entered my mind, the world seemed more realistic than I could imagine. The people, the events, they all seemed changed and morphed. I felt like life had more meaning than I thought that there was something out there that could show me the answers, but I knew I was looking for the ties that I knew were left untied. 20

Many people look at marijuana as a drug, an endless substance of failure. I believe it to be much more though, an herb, most spiritual and powerful in many ways, but this is the way I think and believe. It’s more of a lifestyle choice than anything, knowing you can sit down with some friends and enjoy laughing at the green fuzz on the bottom of your sock. This is the lifestyle I chose, and it may look terrible from an outsiders view, but for those who follow the ways of the herb know what its like.21

Me and my many friends would all gather some days, and join in a circle while passing around our herb. Iden, one of my new found friends also was a stoner, which is what I became. She was very much like me and we always could go hours talking about life, and its purpose. Jacy never left my side since we were children, she was very important to me as was Iden. The times we all spent together on those warm evenings would stick out in my mind for many periods of thought later on. Sitting down swimming in the memories of my past always gave me some hope for the future.22

Memories. Events carved into your very mind and left to be pondered. Everyone in this world has memories, good or bad. They all build upon each other and form the thing that is engraved in us. The memories of my past are very cloudy, I remember constantly being teased and ridiculed by the boys in my elementary classes. Being called ‘gay’ or the ‘fag’ hit me hard, even harder now that it turned out to be true. This gave me a kind of strength, one that others couldn’t see, one that others couldn’t experience. But I am happy with the way I am, I can’t change that.23

It was autumn; once again I entered the familiar school, this time laying my eyes upon another point in my life that would be masked by my fears. His name was Jayden. His long blonde hair fell in front of his face as he looked at me. At that moment my heart stopped, I hadn’t even known his name and already I felt like I knew him. He was new at our school, much younger than I. I thought to myself not to even bother with him, for the chances he was like ‘me’ were slim. 24

The day continued like most, walking to my classes, watching the teacher speak through the fake faces of hope that they wear. I never thought something soon would change me, once again.25

Iden strolled up to me in the halls as usual, asking to smoke a joint out in the park. Iden and I would talk about everything, so as usual I told her about my encounter with the boy, Jayden. To her this came as a surprise, for that very boy I explained to her, had mentioned me also. This gave me hope for something more, much more than I expected.26

Time passed as it usually did, and my feelings for Jayden became deeper, we started dating and those days seemed to always be filled with happiness, we seemed so much alike, and had many of the same interests. I finally felt like I had found peace again. But as quick as time passes, so did my feelings. I am the kind of person who worries maybe way to much, about everything. In most relationship this causes a lot of trouble for me, losing trust very quickly and never feeling safe. Jayden and I seemed perfect, yet something in my mind didn’t feel right. I felt like there was something more I needed to see, something he couldn’t give me. I also became very upset with his family; I was not liked very much by his parents, which upset me more than he knew. This was my own problem I had to deal with though. And I wasn’t very good at it.27

I felt as if I was lost in a deep storm, I couldn’t hide and I couldn’t run from what was about to happen. In turn Jayden and I broke up. This lose pounded on my heartstrings and left me broken, but I knew something good must come out of it. I wouldn’t be left with nothing now. Jayden and I lost our relationship, but slowly as the seasons changed, we regained our friendship.28

Pt. 229

I lost much hope in boys, for it seems no one was right for me. Or so I thought. Christmas was coming up, and I knew that it would be dull as usual. Christmas is one of those few days during the year where your family can really bond, but most people these days take it for a different reason, presents. My family doesn’t really talk much about why we are together, or about the way life flows. But we all still know the true meaning for these days, giving each other the respect we deserve.30

Then a new boy entered my life, a boy who would pull on heart and life more than anyone would. Samuel, this boy stole my heart right away. He was charming, funny, exciting, and had a good life planned for him. My family loved him and so did most of my friends. He seemed to be the saving grace for me, or so my family thought. The beginning of our relationship began rough. Our fights hit me hard, a new pain I would endure. But we always got through it; I gave him all my trust and heart. 31

When you build a relationship, trust is important, if not most important. Learning to trust is a skill that most people either have or don’t, me being unlucky, lack this skill. It takes a lot for me to trust somebody, but this makes sense after me and Emrys.32

Sam and I continued our relationship in perfect time. The days and nights we would spend together filled my heart with hope, so much hope. Hope for myself and for him. I remember the nights when he would look into my eyes, tell me how amazing I am, and kiss me on the forehead. His way with words and his body up against mine will never be erased from my past. His lips, his eyes, his hands, his hair falling through my fingers, all were driving into my mind and caused a comatose to arise every time he held me close.33

Something changed though. I can’t really figure out what it was, was it me? , Or him? Did I not do enough? , or too much? Sam had broken up with me once before, and now I sat in front of my computer staring off into the screen as the words he was about to say, would hurt beyond belief.34

Two worlds were pulling, ripping and tearing at me harder then ever, the reality I lived in and the world Sam wanted me to live in. I still don’t know if anything I could have done or said would change the outcome of my situation but I knew that now, it was too late.35

Sam ended it there. 36

I was left broken, pissed off at the world, I felt like I wasn’t meant for anyone.37

I stepped out into the cold wind of the country side once again. My tall blue house mirrored the field opposite to me and I strolled of into that direction. Lighting a joint and inhaling the herb relieved me of some tension, and I continued deeper though the paths of dirt and into a forested area just beyond a farmers field. The forest was dense and dark; there weren’t any leaves as there were still small amounts of snow on the ground. Dark green grass peaked through the patches of white that scattered the forest bottom.38

I observed the many shapes forming in the braches and the colors that flowed through my head. The pain had caused me to act out, do something risky, which would relieve me from this stress. Something I could obtain easily. Drugs. 39

LSD, I mind altering chemical giving the user a feeling of euphoria, happiness, profound knowledge and hallucinations. This to me sounded likes a party, and I was ready for it.40

Many things in life change a person’s point of view on other people; simple actions cause a reaction in others. But it wasn’t the action for me that altered how I thought; it was the reaction that powered this change.41

I was still grieving over the loss of what I had, Sam. So many things clouded my mind, what could I have done better? As a song started playing through the headphones of my mp3 player I listened intently. 42

“ ..Oh I wish that I was looking into your eyes...” 43

I fell to my knees. Tears formed in my eyes and I looked up into the sky, why had I been so stupid? Why did I let something go that could have been perfect? Was I just stupid…no. 44

I think to myself all the time, how we go on our lives learning everyday, and at that moment as I seemed to have been kneeling in dog feces, I realized something. What I’ve been looking for, what I’ve been stressing over for months and months was right in front of me the whole time. Jayden…45

Jayden never hurt me, never tried to change who I was, never let me go without leaving an impact. He was there for me even when I lacked the ability to do the same. And I knew no matter how stupid I was, he would still be waiting. 46

I know now when looking at a tree once and a while a gust will pick up, and a leaf will descend to the ground. This may seem like the end of the road for that leaf, but it can still be picked up by a passer by and once again go on a journey. That leaf is like Jayden, although I let him fall, I know if I pick him back up again, we will grow.47

The sun finally started to hit the horizon, the moon raised above the trees and I now look out into the distance standing at the edge of the field once again. Am I ready to face the world? Not alone. 48

I never have to be alone though, like the leaf that dropped from a great maple tree above me, and landed in my hair, I know that Jayden can pick me up when I fall.49

Things just happen we can’t explain. These words still run though my head, but I’ve come to realize that we aren’t meant to explain the things that happen, for if we do we would never learn. Now as step away from the cold and into my warm house, ill have so much more to wonder about. 50

I am Con.51