Lana stood at her window gazing sadly out at the college campus that spread out in front of her. As she stood a tear escaped her eye and trickeled down her cheek. Lana brushed it away furiously. How dare she cry about this?! She was twenty one, it was high time she grew up, right? Thats what her mom had more or less said, "grow up, stop calling home all the time". After all, at age twenty one you shouldn't need to call home, you should be independant, right?1
Lana sighed. She was pretty independant. She fended for herself in almost every way, all except calling home. She was very attached to her family, calling home was her way of staying connected to them when she was off in college living on her own. Why was that so terrible? Why was calling home once a day such a crime? She loved her family, didn't they love her back? Couldn't they see that she NEEDED them? See that calling home was her way of being independant? Why? Why was it such a bad thing? 2
As Lana looked out at her college she felt like her heart might break. She turned away from the window, locked the door to her room, and began to cry.
Author notes
I will probably add more to this, but for now I just want to see what your answer to the questions would be. If I like your answer I'll give you one hundred points
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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I can't honestly pass judgement here...Lena's character at first seemed pitiable, but then morphed into a whiny kid.
She says she's independent. Then she goes on about loving her family. Where does NEED come in? That wouldn't be classified as independence. I dormed at college for a bit. I don't recall crying. In this case, I don't think her mom is being unfair. Lena's a tad contradictory to herself.
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just out of curiosity, why does loving your family make you less independant?
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I didn't say that. NEEDING your family so desperately comes off as childish. It seems odd. Homesickness is normal, yeah, but I can't relate to this.
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I'm not understanding why a parent wouldnt want to hear from their child. I dont see anything wrong with it other than maybe the parent feels smothered. maybe the character could try calling every other day.
I dont feel like the mom is being fair to the daughter. But since its the girls point of veiw maybe there's more going on.
Independant to me, doesnt mean you just cut off all ties with the family. It means you dont call all the time wanting to borrow money, or get your bills paid. Or call just for food, and a place to hide. I dont think kids that bring home tons of laundry for their parents to wash are being independant either. Now, if they're using the washer and dryer- but doing their own clothes thats different.
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I'm really confused on what is going on with this character. Is she a grown up and happy with her life, or is she the kind of kid that grew up without the love and support of her family and had to do it all on her own? If it's the first, why would her family turn so cold against her and why would she be beating herself up about being upset about it? If it's the latter, than why is she so surprised that they don't want to talk to her and why, now that she had finally escaped, why is she still trying to hold on to some family connection?
I think that with greater explanation we could be more understanding and sympathetic towards her, or at least more understanding on why she is feeling so conflicted.
And you could really use some better descriptions. I understand that this is a feeling piece and that you are hoping to hook your readers by getting them to feel on the side of the main character, but you could really flesh this out and give the reader something else to focus on while they are stumbling through the flip flop emotions of your heroine.
Good luck, and I would really like to see something more added to this soon. -
I love this little piece.
Leradny has a cold heart, this story is very realistic and very good. I have been in the same emotional place as Lana so i can readily identify with her sorrow.
Your character contradicts herself in a very human way, this makes her more like a real person and not just a cliched character in a fictional story.
Some people wouldn't appreciate realism if it hit them over the head with a brick.
You are my kind of writer, so keep on keeping on.
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This is a case where you are telling us, not showing us, what is happening. We have no room to make our own verdict on the things that matter. Instead of saying, "She is heartbroken," write "She feels a growing ache in her heart" or something.
Also, your characterization contradicts itself. I would feel sympathy for:
1. A character who is very attached to her family and feels extremely homesick.
2. A character who is independent, but still wants to keep in touch as a gesture of genuine affection.
I do not feel sympathy for a character who SAYS she's an independent adult but ACTS like someone still in middle school. Not to mention the whole story feels very much like it's being written by a fourteen-year-old instead of a twenty-one year old. You should work on that.
The grammar and spelling was all right, I suppose. All in all, somewhat above average but nothing special. -
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I have a habbit of writing in the style of the maturity level of my characters. That is why you felt like it was written by a kid.
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According to the story, she is twenty. That's not exactly an age that fosters childlike innocence--unless she was horrifically sheltered.
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wow short! and sad...
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