I was strolling in the park at midnight. Feeling restless after my current boyfriend proposed. To tell you the truth I didn't really love and the only thing that attracted me was his money. I know, I'm awful to do such a thing to a nice guy like Henry. Most people would call me a gold digger but I needed it, my mother is sick in the hospital since she had her third child. Dad left Mom and I have to take care of my brother and sister with only 1500 pounds a month. What was I suppose to do and now I have this to add to my complications.
1
I started running to clear my mind, not caring where I went. I heard a rustle near by and stopped, coming back to reality. I ran to the darkest part of the park where the grass grows wild and tall tree cover my view of the outside world. I heard a faint scream and a deep laugh followed. I started to tremble but tried to calm myself saying the pair just had a climax and the guy was proud of it.
2
I walked around to find a way out then I heard a voice behind me,"Hey Sweet cheeks," I jumped so high I swore I went over Mount Everest.
3
As I turn around my brain registered the voice and the shadowed figure.
4
"Nick! I swear if you ever do that again, you'd have to sleep with your two eyes open or I'll open them with a knife!" I hissed angrily at my best friend. "Cool it Brigg,-I didn't know you were scared." Nick smirked like he knew what I was going to say next,"I wasn't scared idiot! But next next time warn me when you're there." Nick laughed, he had known me from I was 10 yrs old. We used to pick on eachother but we called a truce after 2 years of fighting and became good friends.
5
In highschool we were both popular, Nick as the cutest guy with golden brown hair and carribbean blue eyes and the captain of the basketball team. And I, head of the art club (I wasn't one for cheerleading) with dark brown hair and emerald green eyes. Many people hinted that we should be a couple since were such good friends and all.
6
Nick was there when Henry proposed. He didn't know the real reason why I made Henry my boyfriend (although we tell each other everything) but he didn't like it when Henry went down on one knee but to think of it, he never never did like it when I have a boyfriend since 10th grade.
7
I placed my hands on my hips and asked slowly trying to keep my voice from giving away any emotion," Aren't you going to tell me why you're here," wincing when my voice cracked.
8
Nick realized this and gathered her in a hug," Aww, Brigg you dont have to be scared, I'm with you now. I was coming home from work when I saw you running like mad down here...I had to see if you were okay."
9
I step back trying to smooth his tailored suit,"Thanks," I pecked his cheeck,"you're the best." Nick's eyes darken when I pulled back, then an odd expression came over his face," I cant let you go," he mumbled. "Not before I try," before I could ask what he meant his mouth came crashing down on mine.
10
I resisted trying to push him away but his lips were warm on mine. I almost gave in but his hands started to roam. "No!" I pushed him away. I turn around no wanting to look at him.
11
"Brigg," I felt hi hand lightly on my shoulders but I flinched away from it. His hand dropped unceremonily to his thigh." I've loved you for so long and I dont want to let you go," Nick voice sound pained," espicially to a who love you the way I do."
12
I turned around slowly, meeting his now dull blue eyes and weary expression,"I'm sorry I've waited so long to tell you but I wanted to see if this was for real or not."
13
Fourteen years ago she rememember that after 11th grade, Nick started to develop a playboy habit. I had a crush on him at the time and imagined growing old together and having children. He was cool, arrogant, confident, smart, funny and always a good friend. Any girl that wasn't in love with him- was half in love with him.
14
I realized that Nick stopped talking and was now staring at me. I swallowed a lump in my throat and said with a shy smile," Then prove it."
15
Nick was kissing me in another second second. I felt I was falling in love with Nick again, having all those dreams again. But Nick draw back giving me a pained expression," Brigette, do you love me." I gave him a huge smile,my face radiant of love." Yes," I answered, "Would you do anything to be with me," his expression the same. "Even become a vampire."
16
I gaped at him in surprise, "I...I think so."But before she could say the last letter I felt a pair of fangs sink into my neck. I scream and fainted but before I lost consciousness I heard, "Dont hate me when you wake up because you're now my bride."17
Author notes
I know i left a cliff hanger so tell me if you want second chapter or not
Options 1 and 9
A contest entry
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Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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First, thanks very much for entering.
Ok, this deffinetly needs to be gone over. Its easier for the reader when you start new paragraphs when a new person starts talking. I was confused through a lot of this piece. I found quite a few spelling errors, and some grammatical errors. The plot was great. The first paragraph seemd a bit rushed. Try havign some one you trust go over your story for any errors or confusing parts. The writter does not always catch everything.
I woyuld do a second chapter too! I would so read it!
Thanks again,
Great job!
Good luck
~Alex -
This was very interesting, and I think by adding more chapters a lot could be done with this story. I'm a sucker for vampire stories. Thanks for entering my contest!
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When a different character speaks, like in para 5, start a new paragraph.
I found the bit about the main protagonist assuming the scream she heard in the woods was "the pair having a climax". What pair? You need to clarify this.
Random typos here and there. Like no/not, etc.
"I resisted trying to push him away " sounds odd. She resisted pushing him away? or she resisted, pushing him away?
"espicially to a who love you the way I do."" Confusing!
"Fourteen years ago she rememember that " She? Or I? Also, another typo with "remember". needs "ed" in front.
Ahh, while this was a definite cliche, I cna't honestly say it's what I was looking for. The cliche has to be stunning enough to shock you and make you admire the fct that it was a cliche in the first place, y'know? This was kinda predictable in a too-easy way.
But thanks for entering, nonetheless.
- H
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awesome! Second chapter would be awesome!


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Hmm, you should totally do a second chapter, it would be really nice.


beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Option number please! I can't judge without it, ya know? XD Full comment hopefully later.
♥ HT -
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Sorry, options 1 and 9.
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please have a next chappter!!!!
1 - 8 of 8






