Hunger

I tightened my jaw as the car rolled to a stop and glanced down at the gas gauge in apprehension. 1

‘A quarter of a tank.’2

I had just dropped off Mike, my husband at the call center about a mile back, and now I sat waiting in the parking lot of a random grocery store. I had parked here, because we didn’t want people to know about our true situation. 3

Cassandra started fusing a bit behind me and I turned in my seat to peek over at her. The pacifier was still in her mouth and I knew that if she fused with that in, it meant she must be hungry. 4

‘Hungry.’5

The word, the thought of it brought my awareness back to my own gnawing stomach. How many days had it been? Water was fine, we could always get some from public water fountains- but real food; I tried to stuff that feeling deep down somewhere. 6

I pulled out an old milk jug that we stored our water in and guzzled a good quantity. I knew as long as I got plenty of water, and rest my milk wouldn’t dry up-yet. It had been hard to get Cassandra satisfied each meal. It seemed that each time she had to work harder and harder to extract her nourishment from me. I wince at the thought of needing to feed her again, as I was still very sore from the last attempt.7

I zipped my coat up. It was starting to get cold in our little Toyota, and we didn’t have enough reserved cash to fill the tank up again-so no heater for us today. We were really pinning all of our hopes on this interview. 8

I reached across and opened the glove compartment, extracted a pack of crackers that would comprise my breakfast and lunch for today. I gently peeled apart the plastic trying to imagine that each cracker was a juicy hamburger, and I was about to gorge on six of them. Even if I didn’t completely convince myself, playing these mental games seemed a little fun-a strange form of entertainment.9

When I was finished, I lifted my hand to the door handle grabbing my back pack and hardening my face-waiting for the biting cold. I quickly swung the door open, scrunching my shoulders and ducking my face down into the neck of my jacket. Opening Cassandra’s door, I unbuckled her, and lifted the small bundle into my arms. 10

The walk into the store was quick, I knew that the store’s heat was only a few steps away, and that knowledge lengthened my stride.
I paced through the sliding doors and stormed past the greeter, “Good morning, ma’am.”11

I had learned that it was always good to look like you had a very important reason for being there-though my reason for being here was more important than they could ever guess. I had walked a few steps in a random direction, and then, acting as if I was in the biggest hurry in the world I retraced my steps to the greeter and asked, “Do you have a bathroom?”12

“Sure it’s right behind aisle four, at the back of the store.”13

“Thanks.” I replied curtly, as my feet were already heading in that direction.14

He seemed to take a second look at us. Cassandra was looking over my shoulder, and I was sure he was just admiring her cute little face. I made it down the canned food aisle with little problem- thank goodness you can’t smell through the aluminum- and into the ladies room. 15

The bathroom was not large, but luckily there were two stalls, one of which was a handicapped one. 16

‘Perfect.’17

I knew I might have to be in here awhile, and I didn’t want anyone getting angry. Since I had the bathroom to myself at the moment, I took the opportunity to wash first. I set Cassandra down on her unwrapped blanket and I threw off my shirt quickly, hoping no one would walk in just now. I forced out as much soap in my hands as I could and rubbed it over my skin in the stinkiest areas. I turned the water on hot, but didn’t wait for it to warm up, as I didn’t want to get caught. I stood close to the sink and cupping the water in my hands, I splashed it over me to wash off the soap.
With my nose, I sniffed quickly under my arm, testing my labors. 18

‘Again.’19

I repeated the process once more- I didn’t know when I’d have another chance at this. 20

Next I took a paper towel and poured a good amount of soap on it. Grabbing my backpack, I made my way to the handicapped stall. I cupped a small part of the soap on the paper towel and washed the bottom half of me using the toilet water for rinse water- it was supposed to be clean right?21

I fumbled through my open backpack until I found a fairly clean set of clothes. I dressed, and then started attacking my dirty ensemble. Using my finger I smeared the rest of the soap over the dirtiest parts of them. I scrubbed them against each other and dunked them in the toilet bowl for rinsing. Ringing out as much water as I could, I then placed them in a plastic bag to keep them from getting the rest of my backpack wet. I planned to air dry them in the backseat of our car.22

‘So nice…’23

I relished the feel and smell of my clean body. It felt so wonderful that I wiggled with sheer delight in my loose clothes.24

‘Now, Cassandra…’25

I left the stall just long enough to sweep her up into my arms. She still held the teething ring she’d been playing with in her hand. I deftly maneuvered her clothes off of her so that she could still hold it, since it was keeping her occupied and conveniently silent for the moment. I knew she was hungry, and would only remain distracted for a short time- I didn’t want to waste any of it. I took the remnants of the soapy paper towel and used it to lather her up. I used a new wad of toilet paper to rinse her and then I began the worst part-cleaning her diaper. 26

With a surgeon’s care I unfastened the safety pins. Mike had managed to buy a pack of washable diapers right after we got the eviction notice. We thought we’d be looking for work for a day or two, since we planned to drive to a new town. We bought these simply because they’d be cheaper, not because we’d known that we wouldn’t have money to buy food, let alone, diapers. 27

We had thought that there’d be jobs in other towns. Mike had lost his System Maintenance job, when the yarn factory had closed, and hundreds of skilled laborers were sent competing for the scant number of minimum wage jobs available in our small town. Mike had waited for something better, as minimum wage would not be enough to feed us all. He hoped to work as a mechanic at a repair shop or at the very least do side jobs here or there as the need arose. Mike, the optimist, had been sure we’d find something. 28

Three months had passed and then came the land lord’s letter. Mike had been so sure this wouldn’t happen, that our prayers would be answered. Because we had waited; we had less than 24 hours to figure out which things to take, and which of our things to throw in the trash.29

Mike had pleaded with me the day we left. “Two nights, that’s all. Just trust me for two nights, and then if you want, go to your parents’ house.” I hated my Dad, he was dangerous, but the streets were dangerous too.30

We drove across the state line to Bridgeport, then North to Jasper, looking for towns with other factories- factories with openings. Unfortunately, when we were able to locate a promising factory, we would get there only to discover that other people- even some that we knew- had gotten there first. Days turned to weeks and then we changed our strategy. We tried other types of jobs, even those minimum wage jobs. At least, in a car you don’t have to pay rent, so we could survive- at least have money to buy gas and food, but so far there were no openings. Finally, we saw an add posted on a street sign about openings at the call center. 31

This was the last time I’d wait for him like this, if he didn’t get a job this time, I’d use the rest of our spare change to call my Dad. I’d held out longer then we had agreed, mostly because I couldn’t stand the thought of my daughter living the same horrors that I had, but it was better than starving-wasn’t it? 32

If I went back, beaten and full of despair, he would use it against me- I didn’t know if I’d have the courage to leave his house again. 33

I blinked my eyes as I realized that I was done with the awful diaper business. I flushed the toilet and rolled the now clean clothe up and into the plastic bag. It would also air dry out in the Toyota. 34

As I grabbed a dry diaper and began fastening it around Cassandra’s bottom, I mused at her, and said a silent prayer thanking God for her easy temperament. I often did this when I was trying to calm myself. 35

‘This whole horrible thing would be so much harder if she was cranky all of the time. She takes things so easily. I wish I could be more like her.’36

The attention from me caused her to look up. She smiled her sweet toothless grin, and squeaked in anticipation. She knew it was meal time for her. 37

I situated the blanket under me as I came to sit on the tile floor. This feeding thing was kind of a learned skill- the ability to get her mouth around the right part of my breast under my shirt without exposing myself to the world. Even though I knew no one was watching, I was always very shy about this sort of thing.38

At first she was happy, in expectation of a full stomach. A few minutes later she started squirming in frustration because the effort of extended sucking wasn’t bringing the desired result. I tried switching to the other side- this one was the better side anyway, this side never failed me. 39

At first I saw success, as I felt her little throat begin to gulp-the main way of knowing if she was getting anything, but then the gulps stopped. My neck and back muscles began to tighten; I held my breath in a growing fear.40

‘Ok, back to the other side.’41

It had been nearly an hour when I final began to understand that the milk was not going to come. I started to become afraid that someone would walk in on us. I couldn’t sit here all day. She was becoming more and more upset by the moment and people would begin to wonder why there was a woman with a baby in the bathroom all morning. 42

I gathered my things and wrapped her up snuggly. I gave her the pacifier, and for now she was comforted, but her alert eyes poking out of her blanket held my gaze. She was asking, no, pleading with me. She was eager, believing that her mother could do anything. Were these the eyes of an infant? They were speaking the words that she didn’t know how to say.43

‘Mommy, it hurts.’44

I went through the bathroom door in a daze, not knowing what exactly I should do. Could I stay here, to be continually reminded of the things here that I couldn’t buy for her-to be tempted? Should I go back out to the car, and the cold? How long would we sit there, waiting to find Mike and learn about the job he might not have gotten? How long would it take for Cassandra to feel the pain I felt in my stomach? How could I communicate to her that I was sorry? I could try to feed her water but that wouldn’t change to fact that she was slowly starving.45

I was wondering aimlessly through the store, not quite sure if I had the strength to leave its warmth, not quite sure if she could handle being cold as well as hungry. Maybe I could sign up for the government WIC program, but would they take us if we didn’t have an address? Would someone know where it was? Should I waste our precious gas on an errand that might prove fruitless?46

I stopped next to the formula aisle, without knowing it at first. The moment my eyes actually began to focus on what was around me, I felt it for the first time; the urge to take one.47

I never had considered it before. Trying to find another option, I looked down at the price for one of the smallest cans.48

’$15.37’49

All we had left was a five and some pennies. I couldn’t possibly scrounge that much up, even if I took out everything removable in our car, I was sure I’d never find so much change.50

Would she last until I pick up Mike? I looked down at her, she was furiously sucking on the pacifier, trying with desperation to get something wet and warm out of its cold plastic shape.51

‘No, she won’t last another ten minutes. She’s been more patient already then children five times her own age.’52

I knew that if she started a tantrum, people would start to notice. They would start wondering why, if my child was so unhappy, I just stood there. Why didn’t I hurry on with my shopping, to get her home? Why didn’t I pull a full bottle out of my magical backpack? Why did I insist on annoying everyone with my screaming baby? I had to act.53

‘How was it done? I’d never thought about it. Were there cameras? How quick would I need to be? I’m sure it couldn’t be that hard. I had never bathed in a public restroom before, but I had figured that out after some practice. My one comfort was that I was pretty sure that they didn’t put anti-theft devices on cans of Similac.54

‘What if Mike does get the job? How long will it take for him to get his first paycheck?’55

I realized that no one could help me. Mike would not have money even by the end of today, even if he did get the job, and my Dad was a good three hour drive away, even if he would come; which seemed a bit doubtful. My mother was weak from years of abuse, she would never bite against her leash.56

My hand itched and reached out for one of the colorful cans. I picked it up and examined the label, feigning that I was a choosey shopper. 57

My guilt, my shame burned me. I could almost hear my father’s words inside my head, “I knew you’d amount to nothin’- nothin’ but thief and a leech, a *bunny* high school dropout who married a ‘no good’ who couldn’t even feed his own baby.”58

It felt as if the very can I held was hot like fire. I couldn’t believe that I was being force to do this, I couldn’t believe that I had been pushed this far. In a second thought I angrily smacked the can back to its place and turned my back on it. Tears began to fill my eyes, and I knew that I would have to make a hard sacrifice.59

Could I sacrifice my conscience, my precious conscience to make sure she’d stay healthy and safe? Did I love her more than my own self-respect? If I took enough maybe I wouldn’t have to call my Dad. Was there any other option?60

I stopped in my mental tracks, stunned at this new discovery, and dissected that little thought. 61

‘Other option…’62

Would someone help us? Would a stranger maybe buy one for me, if I asked? 63

I looked around me now and saw at the other end of aisle a women pushing a large basket with a toddler. She was examining the toddler food, but maybe she’d take pity on me. She was a mother, she might understand. I tried to step forward, but fear held me prisoner. How do you ask someone you don’t know to buy food for your baby? How do you even start the sentence, frame the words?64

I turned quickly around before she noticed that I had been looking at her so earnestly. Maybe I’d talk to the manager, explain that I’d pay him back. I resolved that at least this way, I wouldn’t be a ‘leech’. 65

I walked toward the customer service desk, with unsteady hands. I saw the man with a white shirt and tie, looking very important, and quite busy whispering to the cashier, so I knew that must be him. What if he said no? What if he kicked me out of the store?66

‘Please God, let them understand, let them help me.’67

Just as I was about to step up and form the question, I caught my breath. Across the line of people with carts waiting to purchase their items I saw a sign; I saw a miracle. 68

It said, “Fill a bag for needy families.” 69

On the table below it were dozens of brown paper grocery bags, stuffed full of canned and boxed food. In excitement I could barely keep from running across the store to the heavenly sight.70

To my astonishment, on the very same table was a stack of applications for needy families. My throat burned, my face was hot with emotion- I was trying so hard to hold the tears back.71

It seemed such a horrible burden had been lifted, and now that I was free of it, I finally realized how heavy it had been. As I grabbed up the ball point pen and started scratching down our information, I stopped in fear.72

I realized that this didn’t actually solve my immediate problem. Even if I ate this second, my milk might not come back, and if it did it might take a long time. What would Cassandra have until then? 73

I looked down at her needy eyes. Her hand came out of the blanket and grabbed at my arm, and she let out a short whine telling me that the only thing holding her back from crying was her complete trust in me. She was silently waiting for the solution, and what kind of mother would I be to sit and stuff my face, while she looked on in hunger?74

I scoured the assembly of boxes and cans with my eyes. After a moment I noticed one bag on the far left, sort of pushed back into a corner, with something wonderful in it. The sight of it made me look at the world differently; it helped me to feel a strange hope in mankind that I hadn’t felt before. 75

Relief washed over me as I saw the familiar label, “Good Start Baby Formula”.