What comes to mind when you think of humans? Don't know about you but they're weak, injury prone, they breed like roaches, and inherit the most malignant disease - death. Not like I have much room to criticize though. I'm human...kind of. For some reason, it feels like I'm not. I'm...more, different somehow, yet...I don't know how...1
The strange thing about it is that despite all the defects of mankind, I still feel an intense connection to them. I'm drawn to them, like a magnet. They interest me, going about their lives oblivious of the world around them. I wish I could be so carefree.2
I'd like to think that I'm strong...but like every "human", I'm vulnerable and let my guard down. I'm not alone. We all let down our guard. Some of us give way to our passions, lust, greed, desire for power. And I fell in love with a human only she wasn't human...but I don't find out about that till later.3
As if life wasn't already difficult...
Author notes
Tell me what you think. Please point out any grammatical errors. 
Do you think this prologue is interesting? Would you read more?
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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In the first paragraph,
What comes to mind when you think of humans? Don't know about you but they're weak, injury prone, they breed like roaches, and inherit the most malignant disease - death. Not like I have much room to criticize though. I'm human...kind of. For some reason, it feels like I'm not. I'm...more, different somehow, yet...I don't know how...
would probably be better written as
What comes to mind when you think of humans? I don't know about you, but to me they're but they're weak and prone to injury. They breed like roaches, and they fall prey to the most malignant disease of all - death. True, I don't have much room to criticize - I'm human... kind of. For some reason, it feels like I'm not. I'm... different somehow, yet... I don't know how...
In paragraph 2,
"The strange thing about it is that despite all the defects of mankind, I still feel an intense connection to them. I'm drawn to them, like a magnet. They interest me, going about their lives oblivious of the world around them. I wish I could be so carefree."
might be more effective if written
"The strange thing about it is that despite all the defects of mankind, I still feel an intense connection to them. I'm drawn to them, like a iron is drawn to a magnet. I am fascinated be how they go about their lives, completely oblivious to the world around them. I wish I could be so carefree."
In paragraph 3,
"I'd like to think that I'm strong...but like every "human", I'm vulnerable and let my guard down. I'm not alone. We all let down our guard. Some of us give way to our passions, lust, greed, desire for power. And I fell in love with a human only she wasn't human...but I don't find out about that till later.
As if life wasn't already difficult..."
would be better written as
I like to think that I'm strong; but like every "human", I'm vulnerable and I let my guard down. I'm not alone. We all let down our guard. Some of us give way to our passions, our lust, our greed, our desire for power. I fell in love with a human, only to find that she wasn't human after all... but I didn't learn about that until later.
As if life wasn't difficult enough already."
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Put a space after ellipses (...), and try to avoid using inconsistent descriptions (such as in para 1). If you have any questions, feel free to message me =]
Apart from some minor grammatical errors, this is a fantastic piece; it really draws me in and makes me want to know more about the narrator.
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This was the perfect amount of mystery...makes your reader want to hear more. well done!
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Wonderful starting!
where is the next part Josh? I really want to know who is she..and what happen next.
Simply very intresting and flowing so smoothly creating picture in mind. I think you should write it ,continue it ...Good luck dear.
Keep smiling and keep writing
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What's the title of the story.. xD
It sounds interesting.. I'm going to try to find it, too. I love supernatural stories.. you know.. vampires, bending(avatar), all that kind of stuff. It's.. interesting. I like to picture what the scenes would look like in my mind, for I am a visual learner and such. I also like to daydream.. LOL. Weird. :] I daydream everyday.
Good jobz. -
Wow! I was hoping it would be a longer prologue, but that's okay. I already have a good clue on what's going to happen and I am really excited to read it! You got my interested! That's lucky for you because I get bored very easily, unless it is something awesome. Great job!
-Rose
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I like it.
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Hmmm...I like it. Curiousity is raised. lol.
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I would definitely read more...provided you changed the font color.
I can hardly read this. I had to highlight it to read it.
I think this has a spacey (not Kevin Spacey ) feel to it. I like space stuff, so you should definitely continue with this. I am interested in seeing what you do with this.
I have a few suggestions:
Par 1: Don't know about you but they're weak, injury prone, they breed like roaches, and inherit the most malignant disease – death. [I don’t know about you, but I think they’re vulnerable, breed like roaches, and inherit the most malignant disease known throughout the galaxy—death.] [Also, don't use the ellipsis too much.]
Par 2: The strange thing about it is that [,] despite all the defects of mankind, I still feel an intense connection to them.
Par 3: I'd like to think that I'm strong...but like every "human", [,”] I'm vulnerable and let my guard down. / And I fell in love with a human only she wasn't human...but I don't find out about that till later. [I feel that this sentence is entirely irrelevant, because you have given us a huge chunk about this woman…and we don’t even know her. Subtlety is key.]
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"As if life wasn't already difficult..." I know what you mean man.,. :3 lol... This was really good. I didn't see errors.. Or i don't know. I'm blind, But I really do like it Joshiieee
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This was not bad...could use some touch ups (I would point out gramatical errors, but English is not my thing, all of my pieces are probably gramatically incorrect). I am not a huge fan of stories written in first person with the author not being really human..but this seems like it has the potential to be a fairly good write.
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Ooh, excellent, daddy! I can't wait to read the rest!
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0.0
I hate you...YOU WRITE TOO GOOD!!! -
Intriguing concept
This is a very intriguing concept, very well handled in such a short space. There are, of course, several grammatical errors, but these seem to be a matter of colloquialisms used by the protagonist's voice, so I presume they are all intentional.
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Just bring it on!
You have the beginning of a very interesting tale. Is it a prologue to a short story, or a novel? I think you need to continue with it either way
Good Job!
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I think it will be a novel. I will be sure to continue
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It's good. Really good. Here's what I think you should fix.
The last sentence in paragraph one should say: "I'm... more different somehow, yet... I don't know how..."
The 1st sentence in paragraph two should have a comma inbetween 'that' and 'despite'.
The 1st sentence in paragraph three should say "I'd like to think that I'm strong... But like every "human", I'm vulnerable and I let my guard down often."
That's it! ^^
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I really liked it dude. It's so true to some ppl huh? lol
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