"Can I talk to you." I ask Tanian, my finger curving towards my body as I called him over. His head nodded in response as I turned from his gaze. "I really shouldn't tell you this." I muttered to myself not realizing I was talking out loud.
"So you have to tell me something but you don't, huh?" I said nothing.
As we stood out in the cool night, my mind screamed images and thoughts.
An hour ago, we had sat on the stairs talking about video games.
That afternoon, we had sat together on the couch, so close, my head on his shoulder.
Yesterday, we had sat on the chairs, listening to music while reading.
Last week, we stood talking, for ages.
My throat constricted as I looked into his eyes, my gaze fell to the wall.
"I don't know how to say this." My gaze went to my hands. "But I've liked you more then a friend for a while." Silence followed my last words.
You just stood there looking around, not meeting my gaze for what seemed liked a lifetime.
"You can go back and watch the movie if you want." Tanian placed his hand lightly on my shoulder before walking back into the house.1
As the door closed, tears started, a slow stream started running down my face, I looked up at the clear stars, the tears dropping from my face to the ground. I started looking around, my eyes spotted the white ute I was leaning against before, I stumbled over and leaned against the side. I put my head in my hands, trying to wipe away the deceiving tears. 2
At least 20 minutes later the sliding door opened again, I looked around and saw Tanian walking around, I tried to shrink away from sight, but he must have seen me. His steady footsteps approached the car.
A light knocking made me look at him.
"Why?" He asked. The question pierced me, making it harder to breath.
"I don't know." Was all I could reply with. As he turned and walked away I realise that is what hurts the most
Author notes
ummmmmmmmmmm, What to say what to say...... Sorry depression souls mode.... I know it's short
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Good work. I did spot a few punctuation/grammatical errors but nothing too major. Emotional and nice write. Keep it up
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WOW!
I love it! I want more! -
wow.
to be honest i liked.
i could feel the pain...i have the same problem...just not the guts to say anything...lol
;]
nice write
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Thankyou
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Oh come on, you sound so cute and innocent.
"Can I talk to you." I ask Tanian, my finger curving towards my body as I called him over. His head nodded in response as I turned from his gaze. "I really shouldn't tell you this." I muttered to myself not realizing I was talking out loud.
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Me cute and innocent yeah right, that was gawky!!
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whatever...
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You seriously need to be more romantic and see the cute side of this. Look at what you said to him... aww!!!
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How is that cute I was in TEARS most of the time???? It makes me sound like even more of a gawky teenager!!
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"He must have saw me" should be "he must have seen me." Other than that I think it's pretty cool. Tanian? That's an interesting name. I like it...
Anyway, you should make it a little longer... But I guess that every point like this in our lives seems like an eternity, rather than the short time that it really is.
Good job! Do you spell 'realize' with an 's' because you are spelling proper English, or just because it's mispelled? And what's a white ute?
Oh, and make sure that you don't start every sentence the same way and vary the sentence structure.
Sorry, I'm an editor; I get paid for it. I love it. If you ever need an official editor, you can ask!
beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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Thanks for picking that up... and yes I know it should be longer but I just can't think of anything else to put in it. The "Realize" thing is just how I spell. A white ute is a car of some sort, I can't remember anything about the car other then it was white.... Thank you for editing it, I'm glad you like it!
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AWWWWW!!!
Is that exactly what you said to him??? That is SOOOOOO cute!!! You can't kill me for saying that either *angry look* because it is true!!! -
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How is this cute?? and yes this is practically what I said... I can still kill you though
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hmmm that was intresting. maybe you should put more too it?? Like help it make more sense by making it a little longer?
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Thank you for the comment... and I understand what you mean it does need something more, but I'm unsure just what..... thank you for reading it
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oh your very welcome.
and maybe...have more of a beginning. Like go more into depth about how their relationship is before this. create a story that makes this moment the climax. The real point everyone was looking for. Like you have the climax really well written. Just make the exposition. Does that make sense? But i do really like it.
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and yes I do realise that it needs more I'm just think about what would be the best way to go about it
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Uhhh... *looks slightly confused*
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sorry depressed souls moment
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