The Devil Came East - Query by Andy Stephenson at Story write

2-24-091

Elizabeth Evans3

(415) 272-49914

Reece Halsey New York5

450 7^th Ave. Suite 23076

New York, NY 101237

Elizabeth Evans,9

Hi. How do you like New York?11

It's been a while since our last contact. I've always appreciated the time you spend on the replies to my queries and submissions. I decided to approach you first because of this.13

Geri Fitzsimmons and I would like to offer for your consideration The Devil Came East, a mystery thriller. At approximately 90,000 words in length the novel begins with radio talk show psychiatrist, Dr. Neil Harris, noticing that several of the young women who called his show were committing suicide. Mentioning this to his long time friend, Detective Sergeant Joseph Farly, it piques Joseph's curiosity and he soon finds himself tracking an unusual killer with a dark story of his own.15

Delving into the lives of Neil Harris, Joseph Farley, and the killer, our readers can enjoy their connections and explore with us the politics and inner workings of the radio station and the New York City Police Department. 17

Colorful relationships of the people involved decorate the novel throughout and keep the plot moving briskly. 19

Farley and his team work tirelessly trying to trap the killer before he can strike again or escape.21

Over the last year we've crafted this novel and feel that it is time to offer our baby to you. We believe you will find it different from the usual murder offering.23

Respectfully yours,27

Andy29

(This is an actual query we sent out. Let me know what you think of it. Would it create an interest in you to read to read the manuscript?)32

In a list

The Devil Came East • next in list

Comments

1 - 15 of 15

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
Blazing Writer
March 8

Edit | Reply

Hmmm well it does seem like an interesting novel. And in my opinion, I think it's really good. But from a professional they can be a bit harsh sometimes. And how you said "We believe you will find it different from the usual murder offering." I think everyone who sends in a Query says that about their novel and it may be a bit repetitive to them. Perhaps if you offered a small tidbit on what actually makes it different. Like a short line at the end that will make the said Elizabeth Evans go =O. This is just my opinion and you don't have to take it of course. Because I still think this is great. Good luck with this.
- Andy Stephenson
  March 12
  Edit | Reply
  
  Hi!
  We'll be sending the novel out until it finds a publisher. Thanks for your suggestions. We'll probably revise the query.
  
  Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause. We appreciate it.
  
  Andy
Surreal Rhapsody
March 2

Edit | Reply

Very good, it definietly made me curious as to what will happen.This doesn't tell much, but it's not really supposed to yet. I look foward to the first chapter.

-Savannah
- Andy Stephenson
  March 3
  Edit | Reply
  
  Hi Savannah!
  I'm glad it piqued your interest. That's the purpose of the query. If you click one of the links beneath the query, it will take you where you can read further. We've posted up to chapter 16 so far.
  
  Thanks for reading, commenting, and all the applause.
  
  Andy
gerifitzsimmons
March 1

Edit | Reply

here's the (e) that fell out of the first Farley .

Morning Andy--couldn't pass that bye .

Geri
- Andy Stephenson
  March 3
  Edit | Reply
  
  Hi!
  I'll fix the damn vowel!
Tricia3
February 28
Edit | Reply

Hi again
I keep going back and forth between your query and the first two chapters, and I must say, your novel sounds much more interesting than your query. I know a query is not supposed to tell too much, but with the fast pase and the excitement the first chapter contains, the query seems lacking in something. I'm not quite sure what, but I'm trying to think of a hook that would really convey how exciting your story really is.

sorry, I know that's no help, but I'll be thinking about it.
It looks like it's going to be my kind of read.
Trish
- Andy Stephenson
  March 1
  Edit | Reply
  
  Hi Trish!
  I think that's the main problem with a query. It needs something to hook the editor. You never know, really, just what the editor will like or what the editor is looking for.
  
  Andy
XxXDreamWeaverXxX
February 28

Edit | Reply

This seems quite good, I wish to read the novel. Reguarding it's not too gory, or violent.

Nice,
~Cat
- Andy Stephenson
  February 28
  Edit | Reply
  
  Hi!
  It's not too gory, it just has rape and murder in it. Most of it is fairly tame, really, but you aren't old enough to read it yet.
  
  I'm glad you're interested in the story. It will be here when you are able to read it.
  
  Andy
Tricia3
February 28

Edit | Reply

It interests me. I intend to read the novel
It's short and sweet, like a query letter should be, I see no errors and I intend to read more.
This is only the second query letter I have read, so I'm just learning the basis.
Trish
- Andy Stephenson
  February 28
  Edit | Reply
  
  Hi Trish!
  I'm glad that you feel it is an effective query. I will post more. This is the second draft. We've nearly completely the first draft. I think it is turning out really well. I'll post the Prologue next week.
  
  Thanks for reading, commenting, and applauding. I appreciate it.
  
  Thanks also for inviting me into your group.
  
  Andy
Cajun.Lullaby
February 28

Edit | Reply

I think this is a relatively well-written query letter, although there are certainly parts which I would have re-worded.

Assuming that I (as the reader) enjoy mystery thrillers, yes, this peaks my interest in reading your manuscript, but assuming I don't enjoy mystery thrillers, I would be looking in your letter to maybe hint at something being in it for everyone - you hinted at that when you said that it was not the "usual murder offering."

That said, there is something to be said for professionalism in a query letter. I would have maintained calling her Ms. Evans, or something to that extent as opposed to Elizabeth simply to keep on respectful, professional terms. I understand that you have had prior contacts with this person, but proper address is determined by rather or not she has given you the green light to be informal with her. This is more of a civil courtesy than a professional requirement.

Just passing thoughts.
- Andy Stephenson
  February 28
  Edit | Reply
  
  Hi Rainy!
  Interesting. I wonder what you would have reworded.
  
  I used to send letters address as dear so and so. For many years now, I use the whole name only, unless I've had personal contact. With Elizabeth Evans. I've spoken with her on the phone a couple of times and sent her three manuscripts now. She's rejected all of them, but she sends me nice hand written notes and tells me to keep trying.
  
  I'll think about adding Ms. or Mr. if it is clear what their gender is from their names in the future. I think using the full name is polite, unless you know them well enough to use only their first name or happen to know them by a nickname.
  
  Thanks for reading and commenting.
  
  She rejected a one page query I sent. I reread their submission guidelines and found that they now want a synopsis and a fifty page sample of the story. So I sent that out on the day I received the rejection to the one page query. I have no idea if she'll respond again to the proper submission or not, but we're moving ahead on the supposition that it's rejected there. In the past they accepted queries or manuscripts. I need to be more careful.
  
  Andy
- - Cajun.Lullaby
    February 28
    Edit | Reply
    
    I would have reworded the way you described the story itself. I shall explain:
    
    I spent better than a year writing what started out as a stage play and turned into a screenplay because of length and special effects. It was a vampire story. When I took it to a friend of mine (and fellow theatre director), Don Love, to view, he gave me some invaluable advice:
    
    When a publisher views a manuscript, they lump it into a category. This one goes into vampires, that one goes into mystery, this one's a romance, etc. The manuscript goes into a metaphorical pile. The trick is to define for them exactly what it is that makes your story unique - what is it that makes it different from all the rest? What are the selling points? Instead of just defining the story, make it clear why they should consider yours over everyone else's.
    
    Instead of telling her you BELIEVE that she will find it different, show her why. Make her want to read that manuscript - and have the story there to back up your claim.