The credits open with 1000 members of the Aussie Tabernacle Choir singing "Waltzing Godzilla" while dressed in Kangaroo costumes.1
Waltzing Godzilla2
Waltzing Godzilla,3
Waltzing Godzilla4
You are a monster5
From under the sea.6
When you come into town7
You kill everything for miles around.8
You'll come a'waltzin' Godzilla with me...9
As the camera pulls back, it reveals a devastated landscape with Mahatma Gandi dancing a jig, barefoot on hot asphalt. The bagpipes he plays are emitting a grievous sound. He is being pelted by rocks from passersby. The scene tilts up to a blinding hot sun and dissolves into a map of India.10
It was beastly hot in Ranipur that year. The crop harvest was horrible and melons, once full and large as Pamela Lee's, wilted to the size of raisins. Hunger, pestilence and paper cuts were rampant. As I am particularly sensitive to all three of those horrors, it made me quite glad I was no where near Ranipur.11
A hand reaches in a draws a big red X on the map of India and tears it away. Underneath is a picture of a divided Australia, North and South.12
Australia was on the verge of civil disobedience. My paper, the Washington Daily Movement, had dispatched me to report the goings on and return with copious quantities of Foster's for the editorial staff. The trip was not without its dangers. Since I was now on the opposite side of the world, all my blood had rushed into my head, causing it to bulge like a blimp and turn my face a bright crimson.13
The cruise ship had taken 3 weeks to reach the beautiful Queensland coast, but another six months were required to drag it over the tortured Australian Outback to my hotel in Alice Springs. We anchored in the lobby where I hired a crack team of bellhops to aid me on my assault of the winding staircase to the second floor.14
We made our first base camp on a landing just short of the summit and spent a fitful night waiting for room service. The next day tragedy struck as 6 of the seasoned hotel employees felt this was all frightfully silly and abandoned the project. With morals low and but a small bag of ships peanuts for sustenance, I was forced to eat two of the remaining hotel workers, leaving only a tiny few to carry my bags to the top. 15
After three more days of desperate struggle up the remaining steep course of stairs, we paused at the top and viewed with awe, the magnificent vista of the lobby far below. With God's help and a fistful of shillings, I was finally able to reach a long carpeted hallway which provided partial shelter from the elements and the ridicule of fellow travelers. It was here, in a lonely vestige inside a small alcove bearing a white courtesy telephone, I shivered away the long, cold, climate controlled night. I foraged the remains of room service meals left outside doors and cursed a God that would abandon me without so much as a moist towelette to wipe my grease and gravy soaked hands. 16
Only a week into my quest for the meager comforts of my hotel room, that very same white telephone rang to inform me that the hostilities were over. Australia was one again and the enormous cost of the overseas collect call would be added to my bill.17
The fact that I no longer had a reason for this hardship will not deter me from completing my expedition. Too many lives have been lost, far too many shilling tips have been paid. I will find my room. I will occupy it. I will shower someday. I am not a quitter.18
Author notes
I had a most harrowing trip flying back as well. My paper refused to pay my considerable expenses and I was forced to ship myself back as a female gorilla being sent to the states as a breeding experiment.
Needless to say, those first few weeks with "Congo" at the Chicago Zoo were magic. However, after encounters with "Bobo", "Kumba" and "Jumatano", my ape suit was tattered and completely worn out in the seat area. I think the tatoo of Madonna I sport on my left cheek gave away my true identity and I was unceremoniously tossed out.
Anyone needing an experienced international reporter is urged to contact me. If you can't hire me, please send bananas... I have grown to love them so. Thank you for your attention.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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that's really good I liked it a lot. Thanks for entering & good luck 
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Thanks Terry, my morals have always been low good twist. I was going to opt for "them whut passes" instead of passersby, but it was just a bit too much corn!
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LMBO Darth! Ridiculous-ness at it's finest! I'm a big fan of zaniness and this sure fits the bill.
Dang funny!!!!
I'm with you man in liking that comment above here but the comment i'm always looking for aint here yet.
Great job Darth!
Peace
JK
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Yo Darth! After watching the farce of a Formula 1 race in the Great US of A, with only a single handful of cars running I found your opus and my sides are still hurting. I should look at my Fave-list more often! Waltzing Godzilla to set the scene, it was one hilarity after another, --no surprise of course, having been a fan of yours for ages—as much as AP permits-- I thought I was prepared, except in the sudden curves the story throws.
I have long felt "bagpipes he plays are emitting a grievous sound." Totally grievous. A weapon of war...
Somehow fitting in a comic story, spelling can be fey too, but FYI, “passerbys” should be passersby. According to the Spelling police in my computer.
Other highlights that really hit me:
“My paper, the Washington Daily Movement,” [Haha tsk tsk,] deserves a reporter for whom the force of gravity so grievously fails south of the equator. It's a wonder you didn't float off. It must have eased the load considerably to enable your big boat to be “anchored in the lobby.”
Not nit-picking, in “With moral low,“ morals would be funnier than morale. It was a continuing series of laughs to what I thought the end, only to find why you got to be fond of bananas. It's just too much!!
Still catching my breath,
Terry
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LOL...this is truly odd...and yet, immensely humorous...akin to a Monty Python skit (and yes, high praise, but richly deserved).
Love the format of this...a documentary from hell. Please continue this....
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I enjoyed it alot. You are a good story writer. I dont usually read stories on the site but this was a good one. Nice job. and keep up the good work
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I'm terrified of Godzilla....but that song is catchy. *G*
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True seriousness is comical
Heh heh... What a real pisser! This is, undoubtly, the most curious piece, I've ever read in AP. I see the narrator has retained the level of utmost seriousness - good God, Waltzing Godzilla and a jigging Gandhi? 
- in the face of comical exageration and farcical silliness, and yes, how could anyone not be pleasantly affected? 
A delightful read, indeed, and a toast!
srlaine
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8 T's
This was great, your song at the top of the page really made me . I've been needing a great story or poem to lift my spirits, and I'm glad I read your story. You have great talent and i hope to read more of your poetry later.
Traceeee!!! -
nice job...lol i dont know what to say ...that was great.lol
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LoL this was jokes! Also really abstract which is stuff I love.
Hunger, pestilence and paper cuts were rampant.
Classic, thats gotta go in my all-time favourite quotes.
Damn dude, keep this up, you mind if I add you to my favourites? If you're gonna be coming up with stuff like this i wanna read it. -
god i hate spelling bananas...it just...doesn't...stop...
bana...(keep going)...bananana (DAMN IT!)
oh yes i know, aren't apes great lovers? (dreamy eyed sigh) but i hate when you have to eat the help cause they don't wanna help and the moist towelettes dry up to useless pieces of scented paper!
right, breathe...got it.
awesome write. -
Bloody Bewdy Mate
~splutter~ - ~cough~ ~gag~ ~Fall off chair~ ~laugh loudly~ ` throw head back~ ~hold belly~ ~ENJOY~ Bloody Oath I did Mate!! I must gather my aussie mates and send them along for a beer, a barbie and a yarn with you Darth - god your'e good at this~
Von
PS I was that cute kangaroo - front row - third from right!!!
Edited on Jun 13, 2:40 because ''. -
this was long and not even poetic, more like a short story almost. i liked it, its different and most certanly something i havent seen on this site before. write more like these, i would be thrilled to read more
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