Thoughts that Breathe, Words that Burn

I stood in the shower, completely disgusted with myself. I couldn’t believe what had just happened, what I had done, what she had done. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it no matter how much I tried, and in all honesty I really didn’t even want to dwell for a second on what had just happened, what I had just done. I slowly lowered myself until I was sitting in the box shower, still covered in water from the shower that had ended just moments before. How could this have happened? How could I have done nothing to stop it? 1

She had seen it.2

What did she think? I knew, I knew it from the disgusted look on her face when I met her eyes, how could she not see the truth in that moment. Why would she think that I would willingly do something like that? 3

Why didn’t you fight back?4

I don’t know, I was afraid, betrayed so deeply I didn’t even want to realize it. Why was this happening to me? Was this punishment for the accident? I didn’t need to be punished by anyone else, I was enough. My father was enough. He had made it clear that I was the killer, that it was all my fault, I killed her. He hated me; I hated me so the world should really just be done with me already. What more would it take from me? What more did I have to give. It has taken everything now; I am nothing but a pathetic excuse for flesh and blood.5

I shoved my hands through my hair grabbing a chunk of it and making fists as tight as I could. 6

What the hell?7

I slowly got myself out of the shower and grabbed a towel and rubbed myself dry, then kept rubbing until I felt as though I was tearing off my skin, but it was still there, the feeling of her and what she had done. 8

Finally I threw the towel down and threw up in the toilet. I just kept heaving until my side ached and the tears mingled with the vomit on my mouth. I flushed, washed my face, dried it rubbing it raw then ran desperately into my room and opening the drawers of my dresser, pulled out cloths and dressed as fast as my hands could move. But even then it did nothing I still felt her, felt violated, and naked before her unable to fight to stop her. 9

I didn’t need this guilt, I had enough already. 10

“Fuck this.” 11

I turned and got my bags and started packing, everything. I was leaving; I couldn’t stay, not after this. I finished packing then spun to the door and turned the handle.12

click13

That sound that was a bullet in my chest. 14

The door was locked. She had locked me in. She must have done it while I was still in the shower. How could I have been so stupid? Duh, she’s not going to let you run around telling everyone what she did to you, we can’t have that now can we?15

“Fuck.”16

Life was really sucking today.17

I dropped my things and pulled at the door handle hope it could somehow pull it open with sheer force but really knew better but was determined all the same to get the hell out of this house. 18

I tried to pull up the hinges but without any sort of tools it was impossible. There was nothing I could use to open the door. I could try kicking it like in the movies but since it opened into the room I doubted the effectiveness of such a move. I looked at it hoping to burn holes in it with my fiery rage, but no effect finally in sheer frustration and anger I slammed my foot right above the handle.19

“Fucking shit!”20

Pain shot up my leg and I collapsed onto the ground cradling my leg, tears in my eyes. Both my legs were not totally healed from the accident, the scars were still red and distinct right above my knee cap and some that stretched down my legs. 21

“Damn it.” I cried as tears streaked down my cheeks yet again, how did I still have any left? 22

I could have sworn I had spent them all long ago.23

I looked at the door through he tears and tried to think of some way to get out of here. I snapped. 24

I got up and started to pound my fists against the door screaming at the top of my lungs.25

“Let me out! Damn it let me out! You can’t keep me in here forever! Let me out!” 26

I pounded until my fists and arms could take no more. I stood there with my head against the door tears pouring from my face like a stream. 27

“Please.” 28

I begged to be free, free of it all, I just wanted to escape, run like I use to. Free of everything if only for a few minutes. I wanted freedom and I wanted to die.29

footsteps30

I looked up at the wood grain of the door staring not believing that I had heard what I thought I had just heard. I waited. 31

footsteps32

Someone was coming and they were coming to this door.33

I stood off to the side so that the second the door opened I could get my foot in and hopefully get out.34

The knob turned for a second, they found just as I had that it was locked.35

They turned something else and tried again. The second the door was open enough I grabbed it and threw it open and put myself in the way of it ever closing. 36

“Sarah!” 37

I didn’t expect her. This was bad, yet good. I need only convince her of my innocence or at least get past her somehow with or without my things for escape. 38

“Jarrod.”39

It was clear in her eyes that she thought of me as scum and not even worth a name. 40

“Sarah I know what you saw, it wasn’t what you think was happening. She forced herself on me, I was just sleeping and she-“41

“Shut up! Just shut up you disgusting fuck! How could you do something like that? In our own house? What the hell is fucking wring with you? And …with my mother!” 42

There were tears in her eyes and her anger and words killed me. 43

“Sarah, she raped me! I would never do something like that! How could you think that I would even think to do something like that-“44

“I saw you, you sick fucker! Don’t even think of trying to say it didn’t happen that I didn’t see what you were doing! She’s your aunt! My mother! What the fuck is wrong with you?” 45

“Sarah why the hell would I have sex with your mom, my aunt, in her own house when your father is right up stairs, you even walked in, why the hell would I do something like that in a place that is completely wrong for something like that? Did it look like I was the one in control? Was I the one … She raped me ok? She came in took off my clothes and I woke up to her whispering in my ear that she wanted a child-“46

“What the fuck are you saying? Why the fuck would she need you for that?” I saw the hurt written all over her, my words were disgusting even in my own ears and felt like a foul taste in my mouth.47

“I told her has much but she said that your father couldn’t and that she would…. keep going until I gave her a child. If you think I enjoyed it you are so fucking wrong. I feel like shit right now! I can’t get rid of the feeling of what she did to me, of what she made me do! I would never do that! Hell I was a fucking virgin! I have nothing left now do I? There is nothing left, I’ve lost everything….FUCK!” I threw my arms up and went to get my things.48

“What the hell are you doing?” She shouted at me by now we both had tears streaming down our faces.49

I’m getting my things and I’m leaving I can’t stay here, not after what happened. I don’t care where I have to go I just can’t be here, I’m going home.”50

She looked at me and I was surprised to see her look saddened by this. 51

“You …you can’t leave.” I heard the tears in her voice and looked at her and was stricken by her eyes.52

“You have to stay, there’s nothing for you back there. You can’t leave me.”53

We looked at each other in shock. 54

“What are you saying?”55

“I …I love you!” I saw the sincerity in her eyes the pain of betrayal that I felt all too real.56

“I love you too.” I looked her in the eyes not believing what we had just shared. 57

How could this be real? She was my cousin! I was hers. But I knew when I came here, when I saw her, heard her voice. I felt something then but didn’t know what it was, but as time passed I realized what it was and felt so guilty because of it, but that guilt just made everything all the more worse, I had enough guilt riding on my shoulders that there was no room left. 58

“Sarah, I …I’m so sorry.” She ran and buried her face in my chest and cried and pounded my chest.59

“No, you can’t go you can’t leave me alone, not now.”60

“I can’t stay not after what happened; I just can’t take anymore.”61

“Take me with you.” She looked up into my eyes begging me to take her with, but to where I really didn’t know.62

“They’ll know that you came with me they’ll come and take you back.”63

“Let’s run away then. We don’t need them, we can live on the streets, live in the woods I don’t care so long as you don’t leave me, we could do it. We don’t have to live by their rules, I don’t care what they say I love you, it doesn’t matter to me if you are my cousin or not.”64

“How would we live? Between us there is barely enough money to pay for a hotel room. And there’s school too. I love you too but I would never take you to the streets, I’ve been there and I would never have you live there. I love you too; to hell with what others think I’m use to not giving a damn about that anyway. But this won’t work no matter how you look at so long as we are on our own. I could try to get a job but even then living is expensive enough for one person but two? We need to go to school if we are ever to get any chance at life and that means that we have to have a place to live and food to eat. I wish we could just run away from all this too, but we can’t. I can’t. I tried and there is nowhere for me to go anymore. I have nothing left, and nowhere to go.” I looked into her beautiful brown eyes but knew that as much I wished I could have everything with her that there was no way that that was going to happen. Everything I had said was true and I knew it. I loved her too much to hurt her now. I couldn’t make her live through the shit that I had been through. 65

“What do we do?’ 66

We were both so desperate and yet there was nothing that we could do no hope for us or any chance of happiness so long as we were together. 67

“I go home and you are staying here.” I said pushing her away from me even though every part of me longed for her to be so close again.68

“How? How can I just go back to the way things were? After this? After what happened to you, what I saw?”69

“I don’t know. Really I don’t know anything and I really don’t think I’ll ever know anything ever again. But know that I do love you, I will always love you Sarah.”70

I grabbed my things and walked out the door but before I was through it her hand grabbed mine and she followed me through it. We walked out of the room, up the stairs, to the rising sun shining through the upstairs windows. 71