Hazel Eyes

With nothing but a waking dream, a gentile thought, a warm touch, a soft whisper I knew that it was meant to be, but I was so scared I thought my heart would leap out of my chest if it pounded any harder. Would you like to know exactly how it happened? Well even if you don’t I’m going to tell you anyway because it’s just too much for me to keep to myself.1

Alright. So I guess I should start at the beginning, where all things start in this world. I guess the beginning would be me playing my trumpet. That’s the first thing I remember of that day, was me playing my trumpet. The brass had shown especially bright that day. Weird huh? I guess I knew before I really knew, or at least the day knew and was trying to tell me something. Anyway, the music floated up from my trumpet and seemed to hang in the air. As if suspended by invisible strings before they disappeared. We were all out on the practice field. I remembered that too because it wasn’t a game day. All the sections were doing their thing, you know, just playing. Even the squirrels were minding their own business instead of poking around the trashcans or scrounging for food on the ground.2

Then my life changed. This girl with the longest brown hair I have ever seen walked over, trumpet in hand, panting so loudly for a moment I thought she was going to die. 3

“Hello, I’m Franchesca Rossi. I’m supposed to be playing with the trumpets this year.” She was all cheek too. I remember that as well. I also remember being disgusted that someone could be so happy to be blowing on a trumpet in the sweltering heat. Not to mention that this girl was new and she was late to the first actual practice since the start of school. Suicide! Yet I knew there was something else about her. After she introduced herself to the section leader she then turned to me. We locked eyes… and nothing. Absolutely nothing happened. I shrugged and whispered to my friend next to me. End of story. I wipe my hands clean. Day one was over.4

Everyday at practice she would stand next to me. She was weird. Really weird. She liked to talk about spiders and she liked to talk to beetles. I mean come one. We left high school behind but this girl acted so much like a child that it even frightened me a bit. At first I thought she was weird but then I started to think she was slow and then I thought she’s just plain dumb. But I was wrong. Aren’t first impressions of the people you come to love usually wrong? I don’t know. I’ve never been in love before until now so I wouldn’t know.5

I’m losing my place. I was talking about how weird she was. Okay, so she was really weird. I told Sabrina and Alicia all about her. They agreed with me. She was weird. Hahaha. No wait. I lied. Alicia agreed with me and Sabrina said I shouldn’t judge her. At the time I laughed it off. I wasn’t hanging out with the laughing stock of screech. My life after meeting Fran was the same. I talked to boys and I liked boys. I STILL like boys…I just happen to like a girl as well. If you ever met her you would know. If you ever truly got to know her you would see what I mean.6

I’m getting side tracked again. You’re good at making me do this! So we went to this party. All this drinking and stuff was going on but beer isn’t really my thing. Even my section leader was plastered. Fran and I were the only two sober ones, and so it naturally follows that we should end up talking. We talked and talked and talked and I was surprised not only by how long we talked, but also but how easily we were able to do it. I instantly clicked with this girl.7

Suddenly I no longer was dreading standing next to her. I wasn’t in love with her then. No, only friends. Sabrina and Alicia met her and could tell you at this phase in my life we were only friends. Skip. Fast forward. Okay, now to the good stuff. The first time I realized I liked her was when we went to a movie. Sabrina and Alicia went there ahead of time. Fran and I were meeting them. Thinking back on it I don’t know why Fran was coming, probably invited herself, but in my memory there she is walking beside me. We were just walking and I was in the middle of telling her about something, I don’t know, and then she kissed me. 8

It was quick and barely made contact but it was a kiss nonetheless. I didn’t know she was gay! And apparently she thought I was gay! I am not gay. I wasn’t gay. Or at least I don’t think I gave off any gay vibes! Or lesbian. I don’t know. After she did that the whole night all I could think about was that kiss, and went to bed I knew that a part of me had felt something in the pit of my stomach when she did it. A small glow? A “fuzzy” feeling? Call it what you will. I was freaked out though. Fast forward again. Are you following me?9

So after the kiss I made sure to stay away from her. I think I hurt her feelings, but I couldn’t deny my own as I started to come to the realization that I liked her. The first time we had a real kiss was after practice one day and we were walking to her car. She tilted her head and those hazel eyes looked at me mostly with curiosity. With good reason, it was the first time we had talked since the kiss. The first one. 10

“Nina… About the other night I am sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you out. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I just--” I wouldn’t let her finish. I had been looking into those watery hazel eyes the whole time and couldn’t find myself falling any deeper into them than I already was. Before I could even stop myself I leaned forward and kissed her. My lips on hers and it was so perfect. So so soft and I felt like… I felt like my feet were coming off the ground. When the kiss was over I wished it wasn’t. She pulled back surprised. Her hazel eyes wide in surprise and glee, yes glee, I told you she was a bit childish. Her limp brown hair was shining slightly red in the late afternoon sunlight, her skin was as white as my own but she seemed to be glowing then too. 11

Can you fall in love with an image? If so I did right then. I’m not going into how scared I was after that. That’s a different story to tell a different day. But I want to tell you about this girl. I want to tell you a little about the woman I love so you won’t judge. Not that I care, but I think you should have all the facts. Or at least some of them. 12

When she laughs her whole faces lights up. Her eyes twinkle and her nose flares up really wide as if trying to suck up all the good cheer. Good cheer? Whatever. She likes to talk about the strangest things, but it’s not the subjects that beat my heart still. It’s the passion that she talks with. Her whole face and body gets animated as if every inch of her wants to tell you what she knows. When she’s sad I don’t see how anybody could not want to wrap her close in their arms and hold her. To let her tears fall swiftly and gently on their neck as she bares her soul. The way her body quivers as if it has been offended in the worse way possible and is determined to literally shake it off. 13

Her eyes are the most beautiful gems you could ever look at. Hazel and shining like pearls. Their beautiful, and when she reads she has to put on these ugly bright blue glasses but they still look beautiful. When she concentrates really hard her nose scrunches up, and when she gets thoughtful she knits her brows together, and when she gets angry there is a vein that pops out on her forehead, and her touches are so lovely that I find myself hungering for them. Hungering! 14

I love her and it scares me so much because I am a “her” too. No one knows. I won’t tell anyone. I refuse to tell anyone. Not my brother, not my parents, not my friends. No one. I’m not ready to. I only hope that when I do they will love her too because honestly… When I close my eyes all I see is her and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if that vision were to ever go away.15