How to survive a horror movie : (article)

How to survive a horror movie:1

By Melissa Snyder2

A murderer is hiding in your house, ready to kill. You’re stranded in the middle of nowhere in a town with a curse. Or, maybe you’ve wandered a little too far into a creepy forest in the dead of night. You know you’re stuck in a horror movie, but how do you survive? You can do just that if you abide by these rules.3

The first step to surviving a horror movie is realizing you’re in one. You should observe the environment and people around you.4

So, if you or anyone around you fits these stereotypes you might be in one; the too-smart-for-your-own-good nerd, the Goth chick, the promiscuous blonde teenage girl, the town deputy, the girl with an ignorant boyfriend, the strange man at the gas station, or the fun-loving popular guy. Quick! Find a new personality.5

Now, take a look around. Your environment should give you some more clues. If your surroundings are well lit and crowded, you’re safe (for now). Though if the lighting is dim, you don’t know where you are, it’s foggy, everything is covered in cobwebs, or you hear strange noises you might just be trapped n a horror flick. 6

Also, if your location seems too convenient. Avoid places such as vacant hotels, big houses, and overly friendly towns or neighborhoods. 7

Stay away from scenes which seem creepy, like abandoned camps, Indian burial grounds, mine shafts, eerie lakes, old barns, and asylums. Emphasis on asylums, even if your friend assures you all the crazy people are dead. “What’s going to happen?” The crazy people will come back and kill you, that’s what will happen.8

By now you’ve figured out whether you’re in a horror movie or not. Now you’re going to have to live to tell the tale.9

There are many elements in which make up a great horror movie. One of them happens to be phones. Make sure your cell phone is fully charged; chances are your home phone line will ‘mysteriously’ go dead later on in the evening. If your house phone is ripped out of the wall, and it still rings, don’t answer it! It’s probably not mom calling to check on you. Also, the prank phone caller isn’t your ‘goofy boyfriend’, and the killer is probably already in the house. 10

Driving and cars also play a key role in many horror films. Countless killers are hitchhikers and truckers; take a hint and stay away from them. If your car breaks down, and the only place for miles is an eerie old mansion stay in your car. If a small town is deserted it’s probably for a good reason, don’t stick around to find out why. Also, if you’re on a road trip with your friends, and you happen to pass through a small town and they’re having a celebration get out of there as fast as you can. It may seem fun, but when they start saying things like “You’re the guest of honor! We couldn’t have the barbeque without you!” you should run. If you don’t, you’ll defiantly be part of the barbeque, and not as one of the guests. 11

A lot of horror films take place in houses, whether it be in that last house on the left, or your own. If your home literally tells you to “GO AWAY!” do it. Now! A few other reasons to move out of your new abode are bleeding walls, disembodied voices, too many flies, a ‘bad history’, if it was built on a Indian burial ground, ghostly apparitions, and if it causes your loved one to abuse or kill people and/or animals. 12

A camping trip this weekend with a couple of friends can seem fun, but the results can be quite deadly. Never, ever, plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th, and don’t go to camp or become a counselor. You’ll be dead by the end of summer. 13

The most dangerous thing in these movies aren’t killers, it’s ignorance. The characters that don’t make it to the end of the movie always make stupid decisions. For example, moving towards the creepy sounds to check them out. Your mind is telling you something is wrong; your response to that thought shouldn’t be ‘let’s go see what that was!” Also, avoid the following locations: Amityville, Crystal Lake, Elm Street, Lover’s Lane, and all small towns in Maine and Georgia. There are many things you should avoid doing or saying. Don’t stay the night at the old haunted house in town; swallow your pride and live. The money or dare is never worth it. Don’t say: “It could be worse.” It will get worse. “I think we’ve lost him.” You haven’t. “Who’s there?” Someone is there, and that person is not your friend. “I know where we are.” You don’t. Or “I’ll be right back.” You won’t. Oh, and never back up. Someone is always behind you. And, pig’s blood never makes for a good practical joke. 14

Horror movies are all about the chase. If the ‘killer’, whether it be a knife-wielding maniac or your possessed husband, is chasing you around, don’t run upstairs or into the basement. In the end, you’ll have to jump or be trapped. Closets are great places to hide when playing hide-n-seek, but not when a killer is after you. He or she will remember the game from their (probably disturbing) childhood, and find you almost immediately. And one rule to live by is wear comfortable running shoes.15

If you didn’t follow my advice, or it didn’t work, and a nearby killer is just waiting to slice you up into a million pieces, I’m very sorry, but I’ll see you in the next blockbuster!16