My Blade Called Love [Part One]

My Blade called Love1

I sat on the train facing the window, watching station after station pass me by. 2

The white picked railings made me laugh hysterically inside my mind, The vision of my limp body staked through and bleeding to death cause me to convulse into another war inside my head.3

My body tensed, struggling with the urge to fall apart. To break something or break any part of myself.4

I had my story. I had my truth and my lies. It needed to be told. It had to be recorded. But I never knew where to start or where it would end. It never seemed to end and in all honestly I did not want it to.5

I was nervous. I knew this was not something I was going to be able to sum up into a few pages. Nor was it something that was going to take mere minutes to write.6

My story would take much longer to write and as horrifying as the thought of retelling my story was daunting, I knew for the benefit of my own sanity I had to write it down. It had to escape from the prison I called my mind.7

I was going around and around in circles. I am still going around in circles, a cycle of monotonous repletion mingled with maddening lust and chronic desperation.8

There lays the question. Where to start? 9

I pulled up at the station jumping onto the platform with my mother. I had tried and exhausted every avenue possible to deal with my emotions, my feelings, my action and my behavior, but nothing could deny the simple truth that I was falling apart slowly and the path to self-destruction and self harm was becoming more apparent and appealing. 10

I was in love.11

The man of my dreams was very far from perfect. He was very far from sanity and he was far away from where I was at present. 12

My own fears and desperation were beginning to grate my nerves .13

I had no escape. He was my escape. He was my friend, but he was also my enemy. He was a dangerous man who could end more than my relationship if I didn't get out of my head fast.14

~*~
It ended with a locked door on a night that should have been one to remember.15

The lights were out. The house was silent. Everyone slept into the late hours of the morning and by the afternoon the house was empty once again.16

I went to sleep relatively early that night. The clock showing 12:34 the last time I checked it before I closed my eyes and fell asleep.17

It had taken me three seconds to unlock Jason's bedroom door. I pick locked it with the spare lock from the bathroom. I knew he had locked it hours before. His last words before slumber along the lines of it being healthier for me to die in front of a truck rather than killing myself slowly with cigarettes. 18

I could have killed him for locking me out of the room, switching the back lights out and ignoring me until everyone came home.19

It was my own fault though. I had asked for it.20

I was in a mood. One that could only be dismissed by two options. 21

One was to talk it out. Express myself, rant and rave and tell the truth saying exactly what was on my mind without fear of judgment and resentment. 22

Option two was to physically fight my way out of my feelings. Both options were plausible and both options were practiced and put into theory, but none provided me with any release. 23

Minutes before Jason had told me to jump in front of a moving vehicle to end my life I had struggled to fight temptation. 24

Jason had a way with me. He knew how to push my buttons- hot or cold. He was also a powerful man that knew how to pull me in, reel me in and throw me out just as fast as he caught me and wrapped me around his finger. 25

I had Jason against the linen cupboard. My body boiling with urgency, lust, desire and the overwhelming and frightening need to feel pain and cause pain.26

I wanted to be violated and the worst part about my situation was that I was menstruating. Which to no surprise only added to my maddening arousal and tensing frustration.27

I had his hands and his arms pressed against the wall. His body was pressing into mine. He was wearing a shirt and underwear which he had teased me with by pulling it down, only to put them back up a cheeky tempestuous manipulative crawling across his face.28

He was taunting me. Manipulating me and it was driving me to the point where violence looked so delicious and sex seemed liked a luxury I would kill to contain. 29

Jason was laughing.30

I was yearning for him. Moaning for him. Pleading with him to stop being a prick inside my mind. While I demanded him to be the ass he could be and turn me around to violate my ass. But he was not buying it. Not one bit. It was a game and I was easy bait.31


I was menstruating and while that hadn't seemed to stop him before it certainly was playing on his now.32

His words were more than infuriating. The agony of my heat was slicing through me. Deeply crawling under my skin.33

Why is he doing this? I kept asking myself. Fighting everything inside myself to not cry in front of him when only minutes before he had asked me if his violation was what I wanted. What I needed.34

I had fought him. My body fighting against the strength of his. My bare flesh crossing with his regardless of his want to push me away. Or me to get out of his face.35

It was a serious game to him. He wanted me angry. He wanted me hysterical so he could lock me out and make me suffer in depression and my obsession with him. 36

He had me under his arm kicking and screaming. He disciplined me, hard, over and over jokingly taunting me. All the while I was convulsing in the sensations of my core desire for pain.37

The more I tried to fight him of the stronger and repulsed he got. To the point where my intuition set in and I knew I had to get out of that room in case he really hurt me. 38

He had already attempted to face plant me into the mattress to suffocate me jokingly.39

Part of me wanted it. Party of me wanted him to kill me. Part of me wanted him to get so angry and disgusted that his last resort would be to end my life. It sure as hell seemed to be an easier option inside my head at that moment.40

It would have been my hell. Not just for me but for the people who counted on me, who respected me and who loved me. After all I had spent the day at my house mates wedding so the idea of my own death seemed entirely inappropriate and selfish. 41

I did not want to die that night. I wanted him to hurt me. I wanted him to show me how horrible he could be. How far he would go for me, because I could see that he was not exactly the man anyone (I, myself included) assumed he was.42

It never sank in until a few days prior the wedding. The feeling of needing to know how much hate he had for me. What went through his mind when we were playing these games with my head and why he felt the need to fuck me up and fuck with me when he knew how much I loved him.43

That night I wanted to die inside. I wanted to become numb, emotionless. I wanted to not feel a God damn thing while he drilled himself inside me, while he fucked me and violated me. And he couldn't even give me that.44

~*~
I managed to release some of my pent up aggression by talking to a friend of mine I had met recently.45

I sent him a message about my carnal thoughts and urgings. He responded by explaining that he knew exactly how I felt because he to shared some of the needs and fetishes.46

I explained to him that what I was going through was not just a sexual orientated issue. That it went beyond that. It was more about my weakness and the strength I had found in the small time of experimenting with pain.47

He shared my views. Talked me through his own feelings and calmed me down by relaxing me into a soft state of arousal I knew I could release if we ever met up.48

I told him how Jason had taken my phone and read my messages. Fighting with me to read them and annoying me with the torment of my light. It all had ignited a horrific anger inside me.49

Josh understood me. And at the time of need and desperation where the lines of experimentation and desire were crossing with depression and self harm I needed a friend like him to help me determine the line before I got lost and faded in my own confusion.50

I could have talked to josh all night. I had finally connected with someone who understood exactly which buttons to push and when not to. But the night had flown away and my cramps were returning.51

I hung up the phone looking back over the nights events.52

I had felt it in the car when Jason had come to pick me up from the reception. It made me tear up and it still does.53

How wrong can you truly be about a person? 54

How can obsession and love combine to make a person hang on every word and ounce of passion that comes from that person just so they can survive their feelings. So they can survive with them and without them?55

I hated the truth that I loved Jason. I absoluteness loathed the situations I was putting myself in. It disgusted me that I let him used me and treat me the way he had been and still was. It was not fair for me to play these games. Yet at the same time I loved them, and I loved him. 56

The clock flickered red. It was past One a.m now.57

Jason wrapped his arm around me, settling into an exhausted sleep.58

I knew it would not be the last time I allowed myself to creep back into the same self-destructive patterns. But there was no chance I could sleep by myself. 59

I had to find away to fall out of love with Jason. I had to detach myself from the man that I loved.60

My story was far from over.