Still Hopeful

"Matt likes you ya know?" Jenny whispered, leaning close to me while darting glances at our friend sitting at the next table. 1

I rolled my eyes and refused to look. "Jenny I doubt it," I replied. "You've been bugging everyone for days to tell you who they like. He probably just said me to get you off his back." 2

Jenny shook her head confidently, brown eyes alight. She loved matchmaking just as much as she loved gossip. "He likes you all right, I know." 3

Three years later and I'm wondering if what Jenny told me that day was true. Things have changed since then, friendships lost and won. I've grown and so has he. I don't think I ever really thought about Matt in that way until last year. We suddenly started spending a ton of time together and it wasn't really a conscious decision. We didn't decide on purpose to meet or to stand talking for almost an hour after school. I wasn't trying to spend more time with him, just when we were talking and he kept walking home, I went with him. Then we would stand at the gate to his street and everything felt so free. And no, don't think I was some crazy stalker. If he wanted me to go away he would have told me so. He doesn't really take crap from anyone. 4

We shared worries, school troubles and laughs. Whenever something funny happened, I wanted to tell him and when I was angry, I vented. We didn't hang out outside of school and we weren't always together inside it either. I like to think of the hours after school however as a little bit magical; our time. I may have thought it was going somewhere, may even have hoped, but it came to nothing. It seems so long ago, was it only last year?5

I thought for a while that grade nine grad would be our time. I'm not sure what I was hoping for, but it wasn't for him and--of all people--Jenny to get together. I had rarely seen them talk before that night and didn't know what they had in common. It lasted for a while, but over the summer I heard that he had broken it off when going for vacation. It never really got back on track. 6

Now, like I said, three years after that first whispered, "He likes you," I'm still...well almost hopeful. I don't know if I'm ready but I miss his friendship. In a large high school, exclusive talks are few and far between. As well we didn't get any classes together. Now all we have are some chats between periods and the occasional texts that he deigns to reply to. Still however, I can moan to him about the idiocy of a teacher and, leaning against a locker looking at him, it's as if nothing has changed. I still remember when, at our last band concert in grade nine, we had hurriedly whispered to everyone to stand up, applauding our teacher and he and I were the only ones who did. Blushing on my part, but still clapping and glad to have him by my side. He may act stupid, or like he doesn't care and he is sometimes hurtful but for some reason I can understand. I know him, a little anyway. Sure we've grown, but we are essentially the same. I can still even see us lingering at the gate, trees overhead, laughing and talking. Through fall and then winter when it was freezing cold and into spring and early summer. We were and maybe still are waiting at the gate. I can see us. Life is ahead with all it's wonderful possibilities and I am still hopeful.