Chapter one: The meeting....?

Cats hate getting wet.1

I should be of no exception.2

I padded along the darkened alleys, my claws ticking quietly on the slick cobbled streets. It felt horrible as the rain fell coldly on my fur and sank deep through my coat, trickling down my skin. 3

I hissed under my breath and sniffed. The curse of all the rain was that it concealed too much. But the air smelled fresh. Wet. I continued down the sidewalk, carefully avoiding the cool puddles of muck that littered the streets. Every dent in the pebbled walk was brimming with rain. It was a landmine for a street cat that hated water.4

I veered sharply to my right and left the sleeping city. My body folded tightly together as I slipped through the black gates that blocked off the little town from a social life. As I entered the forest, the rain began to thin, until only small beads of crystal water dripped onto my head as I loped through the woods. Talk about Chinese torture. 5

The forest was long. And I had to go to the end of it. But it was warm, and as the branches got thicker, it got drier, and I felt my head clear as I smelled the musky leaves and moss. I smelled deer everywhere. Foul, rancid creatures. They reeked everywhere they went, and the odor lingered hours even after they left. They smelled even worse than dogs. 6

At this, my fur bristled. That was the only reason I was out in this weather. The other cats had decided to gather after the dogs invaded our turf, my turf and wreaked havoc as they always do. It’s not that I hated them. Really, dogs were so gullible. You could play tricks on them and they would only realize you’re fooling them when their nose gets caught in a trap. But they were on my turf. I had to get rid of that. 7

Finally, the forest began to thin. I trotted into the rain again and down the slope. Most of the others were already there. Five cats, grouped together and trying to ignore the rain. I made out Logan and Caelan, and tiny Gemma next to Elis, who was three times her size, if not more. Beth lay alone the farthest away, thinking her own thoughts. I loped down to them and stopped in front of Caelan. 8

“Here.” He smiled. His thin tail wove around his back. 9

“Good. We’re still waiting for Rhys and Luna. Take a seat. Make yourself comfortable.” I hissed at his smirk and brushed past him, landing next to Logan.10

“Cool weather.” He yawned. I snarled. Logan had a way of getting me riled. And yet, it always made me laugh at some point. He was the most normal looking cat of the male bunch. His coat was thick and brown, with white paint dotted round his eyes and stomach. He had no particular talents, other than pissing us off with his horrible jokes. He took my snarl as a come-on.11

“It’s kinda rare, though. Wonder if it signifies something.”12

“Yes,” I hissed. “My impending hysteria!” He barked a laugh. “You really can’t adapt, huh?”13

I ignored him. The others will come soon and then the dogs will arrive. And Caelan chose me as speaker. What an honor.14

The spoken wove his way to us. He gracefully sat on his willowy haunches and smirked his everlasting grin at the ground. Caelan was obviously the graceful one. His body was willowy and stringy, and he could fold himself into a cube if he had to. He was the weakest, though. I guess all that flexibility strung his muscles into wax. He was always weaving himself around, never walking. Almost like he was dancing. His fur was wispy and soft, and pure white. Streams of yellow gleamed on his back and stomach. I always had something to say about that.15

After some time, Rhys and Luna arrived. They were always together, either Luna and Rhys or Rhys and Luna. If one was missing then something big happened. Really big. Big Bang big. And it’s not like they loved each other or anything, if you think about it. They just needed to breathe each other’s air. Luna was the prettiest of the girls, Rhys the handsomest. 16

Luna was black. Pure black and her coat gleamed. But the best things about her were her eyes. They were blue. Cerulean blue. I always thought she stole them from somewhere, those blue eyes. She was a very good thief. Very crafty. Rhys, on the other hand, was gray. His eyes were green, a deep mossy green, and you could never stop staring into them. His thin gray coat had these different patterns; squares and circles and tubes and ovals. He was like a carpet. And it looked really good too. 17

Beth rose from her spot and moved to us. We were waiting for the dogs now, close together. The rain was gone, but the clouds still shouted. Lightning still sparked in the sky behind the forest. Gemma pressed close to me, resting her small head on my paw as she lay down. Gemma was the baby of the group. She was the smallest and the lightest. Her fur was sleek and white, and her eyes were blue and green. Honest, her left eye was this deep ocean blue and her right was a forest green. She was sweet and quiet. Too much of a housecat to deal with our problems, but she still joined. 18

“Always late.” Beth grumbled. Apart from thinking, she grumbled. But it was probably because she was a psychic and because she was blind and all. She got the ability when she was still a human, and she was a teenager back then and afraid of the images she always saw and couldn’t control. So one day she took a kitchen knife and gouged her eyes out. But that only made the visions worse. Since she was blind, all she saw were her secret images, and it probably drove her nuts. I would be. There was nothing else special about Beth, though. She was small and brown. Her eyes were closed. You could still see the scars where she got carried away with that knife.19

As for Elis, he was strong and mean. His body was huge, and muscled, and his fur was thick and blue. And gray. Blue- gray. 20

All of a sudden, Beth snarled. “They’re here.” We all sniffed but couldn’t catch their scent. Then, a half second later, we heard them galloping though the forest, panting, barking, sniffing. So loud, all the time. Finally all of them trailed out. They were mostly huskies, huge and white, their faces smiling and long. But some of them were spaniels and setters. Don’t ask how I know this stuff. 21

We lined up in our order and they lined up in theirs. Then Caelan pushed me forward with his nose, and I walked in front. A black and white setter walked out at the same time. And we faced each other. I took a breath and began.22

Author notes

For Ms.Dede:
Book: Memoirs of a Geisha
Movie: Pan's Labyrinth
Song: Sweet Dreams- Marylin Manson

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Hloverofpeace
    August 11

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    i think you need some editing, and try fixing some words on different parts of the story so they sound better. would i continue reading this? not really.

    it was kind of well written, and i know you tried your best to grab people's attention.

    but the beginning, i think it could have been better. Like the first two sentences i think shouldn't be added.. but i don't know.. i guess it's your story.

    anyways, thanks for entering.
    -hilme


  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    August 4
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    Sorry, I really liked this story!*


  • Clary--Selene--Tayy gold member
    August 4
    Edit | Reply
    >.


  • MirrorIrorriM
    July 18

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    Before I start the real editing, I feel compelled to mention that gray on gray background is a tad hard on the eyes.

    Opening Sentence Breakdown:

    Concise +1
    Common knowledge: +1
    Weird fact: +/- .5
    Sets up staccato sequence: +1

    A 3 +/- .5 sentence! Bravo! That's a high score with my scoring system!

    g5: the reference to Chinese water torture here is a little random, but I appreciated the experimentation...it could stay or go, to be honest.

    g9: ah! poorly punctuated dialog! (pet peeve of mine). I wrote a column you can access from my profile on dialog punctuation, or you can google search it, or there was a column written awhile ago by one of the bigwigs here at Storywrite. Any of those will set your punctuation straight. It's a drag, but it'll help the reader feel comfortable in the story.

    g19: that is an awesome character right there

    Having the MCs being cats was a risky move, but you handled it pretty suavely. I loved the description and the dialog - it was all very natural - and, in fact, contentwise I have little to complain about. Very well played.

    Summary:

    -Color scheme is a bit hard to read

    -resolve the dialog punctuation issues

    -nice characters!

    -you got some conflict going, the page-turner effect set in

    hanks for entering and good luck with this novel!


  • CantYouHearTheDrums
    May 24
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    Fantastic! I'll give that 9 out of ten!


  • LilMsHyper17
    May 23
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    O.O

    im speechless. AMAZING story!


  • vamplover22907
    April 28

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    WOW! I liked this! "^.^" Chinese water torture. I would have liked to see a more of a personality description than appearance with the cats. They can turn into humans right?

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Avalanche.
    April 21
    Edit | Reply
    goooooooooooood


  • Gary Alexander silver member
    February 25

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    TRUTH BE TOLD...

    In P 1...say "cold rain" don't say "coldly" this is awkward and very stilted.
    P5...don't juxtapose "right" and "left" like this. READ THE STUFF ALOUD to unmask unfortunate phrases like this.
    "Body folded? tightly together" I don't think so! Say this another way. No body "folds" unless perhaps that of a contortionist.
    The image is wrong.
    "Blocked off the town from a SOCIAL LIFE?" what does this mean?
    What are you trying to say?
    "Chinese" torture? Would a cat think this?
    I know this is stretching credibility...but let's not go too far!
    And why make it "Chinese?" Why not simply "torture?" Why invoke stupid cliches?
    P6. Don't repeat "smelled"...don't repeat "everywhere"
    P7...Comma after "my turf"
    I don't think the example of why "dogs were so gullible" works. The game is not specific...what trick? what "trap?" This is vague.
    P11...Find another expression for "pissing us off" it's crude and doesn't add anything.
    P13..."He BARKED? a laugh? A cat barked?
    P14..."The SPOKEN wove?" What does this mean? Spoken what?
    Don't repeat Willowy. And...you seem to be on the "W" page of the dictionary here..."willowy...Wax...Walk...Weak...wove...weaving...walking...wispy...white"...What's going on?
    "Muscles strung like wax?" What this about? I don't think it's a very good simile.
    "loved each other OR ANYTHING..." Don't do this. "or ANYTHING" means nothing!
    P17..."looked REALLY GOOD!" (Can you find a better descriptive than "really good?"
    P18..."Honest"...lose this.(also lose "Cerulean blue!" it's becoming a hackneyed, overused cliche! EVERYONE who writes a story where blue is described makes it "Cerulean" blue! I'm getting very sick of it! Please eliminiate this stupid, pop, in-vogue, au-currant word.
    P19..."Blind AND ALL!" What else? What do you mean ...and "ALL?" Please read your piece ALOUD! Be aware of what it is you are writing!
    P19...WHOOPS! After nearly 20 paragraphs of describing cats...and doing pretty much nothing BUT that...you suddently see fit to introduce the concept that THEY HAD BEEN HUMAN!
    Too late for this...way too late! You can't do this. You have mis-led the reader.
    "Drove her NUTS!" Bad and sloppy colloquialism. Make it "insane"..."psychotic"..."unbalanced" but not NUTS! Bad word choice.
    If I were reading this...would I go on? The honest answer is no. Why?
    Because all you have been doing is describing a group of cats. Who cares? I told you the essence of a story is: CHARACTER...CONFLICT...THEME! Alright...your character is a cat. What do we know about this "cat?" (aside from its fur and eyes...and that it hates water?) Is this cat CONFLICTED about anything...What's it's PROBLEM? What is driving it one way and then another way? You have given NO indication of ANY conflict...and NOTHING with which ANY reader can IDENTIFY.
    Who cares about this cat? Why should we? AS WELL AS ANY OF ITS BUDDIES?
    Theme? What is it you are getting to? What is it you wish to say here? What TRUTH can the reader feel you are possibly approaching? Do YOU know? Do YOU KNOW? DO YOU KNOW? or are you just writing a bunch of fur and eye descriptions of a group of cats? WHAT IS IT YOU WANT TO SAY? If you cannot express this (the THEME) in one sentence...you have NO story?!
    That's the honest truth here, Olinda. I gave you this yesterday...but looks like it didn't quite take. Read what I have just said to you...try to understand it...then try this story again...bearing in mind: CHARACTER (Real character...beyond eye and fur color)_...CONFLICT...and THEME!
    GA

1 - 9 of 9