And What Alice Found There

It is about four a.m. and an almost empty bus cruises down an empty road. The only passengers on this bus are me and the bus driver. I’m sitting all the way at the back of the bus by a window so that the driver won’t be tempted to strike a conversation. Not that I’m trying to be rude, I’m just so wrapped up in my own thoughts that it wouldn’t be a very interesting conversation. 1

I look out the window and try to ignore the nervousness, try not to think about her, which of course only makes her come back to mind more powerfully than the last time! Eventually, I just close my eyes and lose my self in the memories. I remember the first time I met her vividly, how she smelled like chocolate, how she sat next to me no matter how apparent I tried to make it that I didn’t want her to, how she moved closer and closer, but mostly how she made me go mad when she left. I remember how she did this each day. I remember how we talked about anything and everything, and how close we had gotten. I remember the first time we had kissed, how she kissed me back, and how time stopped.2

My thoughts were broken when I realized the bus had come within a block of the train station, and pressed the black tape that signaled for the bus driver to stop. I got off, mumbling back a “You too” when she said “Good-Bye,” and crossed the street. My head is swirling with too many thoughts. I can barely walk straight, how am I possibly supposed to pull this off? I’ve been having second thoughts about this ever since the idea’s conception two weeks ago. I’ve made it this far, I guess I might as well follow through with it. I stop at Dunkin’ Donuts and buy a medium hot chocolate and jelly donut, and continue to the turnstiles, spilling some of my drink when I try to hop over it. I walk up the stairs, and she crosses my thoughts again, causing me to almost fall backwards down the stairs when I lose my footing. I adjust myself, glad that the train station is deserted, and keep going. I sit on a bench and wait for a train, finishing my jelly donut in the process. After about ten minutes, I wonder if I should go back and get another one, but I can hear the train start to pull in, so I quickly abandon the idea. The train comes to a full stop and I wait a minute for the doors to open, which happens as predicted. However, what I hadn’t predicted was finding the train car to be occupied by only Maria. 3

She had just gotten up when the doors opened, but slowly sat back down when she saw me. All she did was stare in disbelief, but, even though I wasn’t sure, I think I was staring too. I sat down next to her, and she took my hot chocolate and finished it like there was nothing weird about us meeting here.4

“Maria?”5

“Yeah?”6

“Umm…”
“
So, whatr'e you doing here?”7

“I was going to ask you that, but okay I guess I’ll go first. I… Umm…”8

I tried to speak, to tell her how much I loved her, but all that came out was babbling.9

“You’re not going to school ona Saturday, now are you?”10

“No, not really.”11

“Then why are you here?”12

How easy it would have been to just leave, to walk out the door and never look back, but it was too late. They had already closed, and I wasn’t getting off at the next stop just to walk home. So I, of course, decided to go through with it. I touched her hand and looked her in the eyes. I searched in vain for a sign that betrayed her and told me she felt the same way, but I knew I wouldn’t find it. So I took a deep metaphorical breath, and spilled my soul out to her. I told how I loved her, how I find myself school opened earlier and closed later so I could have more time with her, all the crap I never used to believe in. And when I was done, there was only silence. The train had made half of its run by the time I was finished, and when the train started to pull into the next station, she stood up and waited by the door. Her explanation was simple. 13

“I just don’t feel the same way about you.” 14

Her voice had cracked slightly, and when she walked out, I could have sworn I saw a tear in her eye.