Loving you all this time was hard. I told myself that the difficult part was that you refused to love me back. Really all the sweat went into holding on to my love for you. It hurt so bad, all this time, telling myself that I was just trying to get over you. All I was really doing was holding on to your love with all of my strength.1
Suddenly, I reach for that secret place in my heart where I've held my love for you for so long and . . . It's empty. I swore over and over that if I could just stop loving you, if I could just let go, I'd be happy. 2
Instead, I feel empty. This love, it used to fill me with a strong, bittersweet power. This heat that warmed my heart was something I embraced, even if it burned at the same time. Now I reach for it and I find nothing, it feels so empty. It's so cold, so wrong, like something was cut away from my heart. I feel incomplete. 3
There's something almost comforting about so-called "unrequited" love. It's almost admirable to hold on to love when the other person lets go. As much as it hurt sometimes, I loved being in love with you. I felt whole; as long as I still loved I'd never totally lost you. "We" had never totally died as long as I held on in my heart. Now we're fading into nothing as my heart closes itself to you.4
No slow healing. no hanging on just enough to justify dreaming of you. No, this is a sudden purging; my heart is being washed in ice cold flames, parts of it never to grow back. 5
Now even memory hurts. Not the bittersweet pain of before. This is a sharp, surgical pain. This is mourning. Not for someone missing. Someone who may, in our dreams, return safe and sound. This is being told after twenty years of hoping that the body has been found, the search called off and the death certificate signed.6
If I could have chosen I would have never stopped loving you. Even after you broke all of your vows, and tried to convince me to release you and forget my own, I held on. The pitiable abandoned lover. The tragic heroine who could still hope for her happy ending.True love never dies, but eventually it can be killed. 7
I saw myself as the immortal elf maiden. Dreaming of those she has lost. Mourning for them. Sometimes in agony, but ever lingering beneath the unchanging stars. I never expected the sword point through the heart. Cold steel severing my last ties to this world that I was willing to walk alone. Even the supposedly immortal can be killed, when slow sickness, and lonely existence fail to bring them to death. 8
Being in love with you gave me a reason to look past the changes. Loving who you used to be and hanging on to that man for dear life made it possible for me to live through anything. Now, even that is gone. Without that undying "amor" to fall back on, reality hits home. You've changed, and I can't love this new person. You finally cut the last ties to what we had, and made even my memories painful. What you've done is understandable, even forgiveable. It still hurts. I don't know if I should thank you, or beg you to prove me wrong, but I don't love you anymore. 9
Author notes
Alright, obviously hugely personal. Once again less of a story and more of a "letter." Almost a sequel to "I Just Had to Let You Know" but not quite. It is more of a different perspective, after change. I don't know if this finally finding that love gone works quite so finally as I've said here. I'm sure I'll still find surprises at every corner, but for now just finding myself on the outside of being in love is painful enough. Writing this was more thereaputic than anything, but I'm hoping I can distill something from this raw idea later. I actually really like some of the images I used. Particularly the part about death to the immortal. I was inspired by memories from the Silmarillion; Beren and Luthien story, coupled with the vision Arwen has from her father in the movie version of Lord of the Rings. Please, let me know what you think. Hopefully I can make something more of these themes later. God bless all and much love.
~Stefani~
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Comments
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I was going to comment that this was more of a letter than a story, but I see you knew that from the beginning. I am sorry to hear that this is based in truth. I know it must be painful.
Now, what I do, when there are painful things, I remember them. There are a lot of emotions in these painful times, and that depth of emotion is necessary to effectively build the conflict in a story. WIth me, it is usually a year, or years later when I finally find a story where that emotion I learned there can be used, but almost always I find one. I hope you can find the story where this can be used as well.
Good job of writing as always my friend. -
You took the words right out of my mouth. After being married for 27 years and my husband leaving, I was so empty inside. It's been almost 2 years and I still feel this way most of the time. I can totally relate to this piece and I thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling for so long.
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This is a very powerful write. I can relate to it a lot. I love it and I really like the ending. Truly an awesome write. Great job! Keep up the amazing work!
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Thank you very much! I'm glad you enjoyed this. To me, while writing it the emotion seemed almost too strong at times. But, perhaps as long as you keep away from being melodramatic that is never a bad thing. I wholeheartedly agree, a moving on piece is needed! Plus, I rather hate feeling like I might just look angsty... I have a sonnet I finished halfway through the third quattrain. I have been stuck on it... but I'm attempting to get at least a rough version on here soon. Then I can have my wonderful AP mentors help me smooth it out
! It has never taken me multiple days to complete at least the first draft of a sonnet before... but I shall keep plugging away. God bless
and thank you so much for the kind, helpful comments as always.
~Stefani~ -
Your analogies and metaphors are rich indeed and the emotion is sharp, nearly penetrating in the reading. I think I can relate to the feelings of mourning (I am widowed) and 'finding yourself on the outside of being in love' That is like a cloud that hangs on after the rain storm and is a very lonely feeling. You express yourself with intelligence and grace (not an easy combo to pull off) and the writing never falters in holding the reader's ear completely. (But you know that you are a writer. gosh, if you don't use this talent it will be a sin ) Intense and final. From here I will hope to see a 'moving on' piece next. (And maybe another sonnet? )Excellent work.
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