My lady echoed a voice in my head.1
I sucked in a shallow breath. Kyle looked at me with puzzled eyes, and I grabbed his arm. "Yes," I answered aloud. I wasn't sure how this was supposed to work.2
"Yes, what?" Kyle asked.3
"Shh." I waved my free arm at him.4
The creature’s voice rumbled like boulders rubbing up against each other, deep and grating. My neck tensed, and I knew I'd have bruises where Kyle was gripping my shoulder.5
Should I eat him for you? The corners of its wide mouth turned up, almost as if it was smiling.6
I shook my head slowly, uncertain if the serpent was serious or not. Still, I didn’t dare to chance it. His warm breath blew across my palms, while I caressed his cool skin. His skin was slippery from the moisture of the water and soft. I had expected it to be rough, like that of an alligator.7
No, you mustn’t eat him, I said to him in my thoughts. I hoped I was getting through to him. I suddenly realized that I had given the creature a gender. It felt male to me. If you eat him, I will be upset.8
He cocked his slender head to one side before asking, Why?9
Because he is my friend. I answered, still with my thoughts.10
Why?11
I snorted in frustration before remembering that he was very young. I like spending time with him and he makes me laugh.12
All this time Kyle stood slightly to the side of us. Somewhere along the line he had let go and stepped away. "What's going on?" he asked, his voice rising, nervously.13
"Sorry Kyle." I blinked rapidly, like I had just come out of a trance. "We were talking."14
“But I didn't hear anything."15
"You wouldn't. Apparently he uses telepathy to commicate."16
Kyle still looked confused, kind of like a lost little boy looking for his mother. Silly really, but an apt description of him.17
“He talks into my mind and I think back to him."18
Kyle raised his eyebrows, giving his face a surprised expression, as he finally figured it out. 19
My lady, the serpent’s voice rumbled, bringing my attention back to him.20
Yes, 21
Why does he look so strange?" 22
Strange, how?23
Such wide eyes?"24
I laughed out loud, startling them both. Kyle took a large step back, as the serpent splashed his massive tail once.25
Sorry, guys," I again spoke audibly, then answered the serpent, that is his understanding look. See, this is an example of how he makes me laugh.26
So, I still can't eat him?27
I laughed harder at this statement.28
“What?" Kyle asked, still confused. 29
When I had reigned my laughter in I replied, "He wants to eat you."30
Again, laughter overcame me as Kyle backed quickly away, a look of utter terror displayed on his now pale face. "Don't worry, Kyle," I called after him. "I told him not to. I think you’re safe."31
Kyle wrapped his arms around a thick alder tree's trunk before yelling, "You think? I think I'll stay right here until it's time to leave, thank you very much."32
"You sure?" I yelled back.33
“Yes."34
"OK, I'll just be a few minutes." I turned back to the creature. Do you have a name?35
It cocked its head to one side. Name? 36
Something to call you by.37
I watched as he lazily blinked translucent eyelids a few time while thinking. The sun's light was bright and many colors rippled across his scales. I do not have what you call a name.38
That's a pity. It would have be nice to call you by a name instead of creature or serpent.39
We stood there, while in the background the frogs continued their love song and birds flitted from branch to branch, calling to each other.40
What would you like to call me? 41
Quinn, I blurted out without thinking. Quinn, after my father.42
Again, he blinked lazily. I thought this must signal he was thinking. Yes, Quinn will do. I am honored to be named after your father. 43
Quinn?44
Yes, my lady? 45
You can call me Sabrina, not my lady.46
He nodded before turning his head back to the lake.47
I have to go, but I will try to be back soon. Do you need anything?48
He turned back. No, there is plenty of fish and a stand of trees to cover me while I rest. I shall see you soon.49
Goodbye, Quinn.
In a list
Descriptions were scetchy here to me, what about to you?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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A fun chapter. Having a look at the telepathic exchanges, I couldn't help but think that there would be a better way to format this so you don't need to keep on reminding readers that she is 'speaking in her mind'. I wrote something similar - where a conversation took place telepathically, and I used italics rather than just quote marks.
Here's what one section of this would look like if you were to apply this suggestion:
“He talks into my mind and I think back to him."18
Kyle raised his eyebrows, giving his face a surprised expression, as he finally figured it out. 19
My lady, the serpent’s voice rumbled, bringing my attention back to him. 20
Yes? 21
Why does he look so strange? 22
Strange, how? 23
Such wide eyes? 24
I laughed out loud, startling them both. Kyle took a large step back, as the serpent splashed his massive tail once. 25
"Sorry, guys," I apologised, before addressing the serpent again. That is his understanding look. See, this is an example of how he makes me laugh. 26
I removed some of the acknowledgements of speech - for an interchange with such short responses, they can be redundant. paragraph 26 I edited slightly more - I made a change to demonstrate how you might switch between verbal and mental dialogue.
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Thanks blondie. I will take those suggestions.
And thanks for the read.
Brooke
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‘Good Morning Brooke.
Quinn it is then
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The plot is building nicely, your characters are recognizable rather like old friends, we enjoy visiting. They are colorful and entertaining; and their dialogue, even through mind-send, sounds natural
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As for your concern. JMHO, a short, active, and comical interaction like this can be bogged down by too much description
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This scene was an easy fun read. The bits of dry humor in the dialogue came through perfectly.
Some thing to look at:
"Should I eat him for you?” The corners of it's (its) wide mouth turned up, almost as if it was smiling.6
I shook my head slowly, not knowing if the serpent was serious or not. I was not going to chance it. (lots of nots--
I shook my head slowly, uncertain if the serpent was serious or not. Still, I didn’t dare to chance it.)
All this time Kyle stood slightly to the side of us. Somewhere along the line he had let go and stepped away. "What's going on?" he asked, his voice rising (how?) ( perhaps nervously?).13
We stood there, while in the background the frog's (frogs) continued their love song and birds flitted from branch to branch, calling to each other.40
Again, he blinked lazily. I thought this must signal he was thinking,(.) "Yes, Quinn will do. I am honored to be named after your father." 43
"Quinn? (“
44
Geri
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Thanks once again Geri. Have fixed those.
Brooke
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I've read this chapter already, but it was funny I had to read it again.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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I loved the humour in this chapter, it was really won derful to read and I cvould see Kyle hugging the tree
I didn't notice anything sketchy about the descriptions, unless you wish to give more details about the serpent.
It now looks as if Sabrina has the upper hand over Kyle if ever she needs it
I enjoyed this short chapter; I found out Sabrina is telepathic (or is that just with the serpent?), and the humour was laugh out loud time
A couple of typos:
p16 - commicate (communicate)
p38 - time (times)
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Kyle is really funny. My favorite part in this installment is when he wraps his arms around the tree. He makes me laugh, I guess, as much as he does Sabrina.
I like to see that she has another ability...and another friend. When he agreed to her father's name, I was so happy...and I hope that she does see him again. I hope he doesn't get killed or something while she's away.
Now, the difficult part, I bet, is going to be prying Kyle off the tree.
I loved this and cannot wait until next week.
A few suggestions:
2. "Yes," I answered out loud [aloud - less wordy].
5. My neck tensed, and I knew I'd have bruises where Kyle was gripping my shoulder tightly. [del: tightly - is obvious]
8. "If you eat him [,] I would [will] be upset."
17. Kyle still looked confused, kinda [kind of] like a lost little boy looking for his mother.
19. He raised his eyebrows, giving him [him who? the serpent?] a surprised expression, as he finally figured it out.
20. "My lady," the serpent’s voice rumbled, bring in [bringing] my attention back to him.
25. I laughed out loud [aloud], startling them both.
26. "Sorry, guys," I again said out loud ['aloud' but I would use another word, since it was used in close proximity]. Then to the creature I replied, "that is his understanding look. See, this is an example of how he makes me laugh." ["Sorry, guys," I again spoke audibly, then answered the serpent, "that is his understanding look. See, this is an example of how he makes me laugh."]
31. Again, laughter overcame me as Kyle back [backed] quickly away, a look of utter terror was [del: was] displayed on his now pale face. "Don't worry [,] Kyle," I called after him. "I told him not to. I think you’re safe."
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Thanks for those. I've fixed them and one you missed, but that was more my choice of words then a grammar mistake
I'm glad you like this. I'm having a really good time with it. I know I'm going to need a lot of help with part 12 through 13, but that is a ways away
Again thanks
Brooke
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Small stuff:
30. "'He' wants 'to' eat you." Great line. *laughs*
How cool! Another new ability. Sabrina created him and can communicate with him telepathically. I love it. And Kyle is scared shitless.
I don't think this needs a whole lot of description at this point. It adds to the mystery.
I really like this chapter. It's short but it comes out of nowhere and is amusing as hell.
I wonder what else Sabrina has up her sleeve.
She's getting more interesting as the story goes. lol
Keep it coming.
Greg
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Thanks and fixed
I don't think it is Sabrina's talent, but Quinns. She's never shown any other ability but to change things. Hmmm...wonder if that works on humans
I am glad you like it. I hope to keep you enchanted with each part
Thanks again
Brooke
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I loved it very funny! Now she has an upper hand on Kyle if he gives her any problems.lol
Good to seehow brave he is.lol
I didn't see anything that needed fixed.. I simply loved it
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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mmm....its ok i guess. jk its great
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I think I walked into this way too late, but I had no problems other than not knowing who the characters were. It was interesting, and written well, but since this is the only thing I read - a bit confusing.
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Sorry to confuse you. If you read the early parts, then it wouldn't be so confusing
Brooke -
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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