The tall, dark knight
looked upon the field,
death and devastation
all he saw.1
He reined his horse,
headed for the sea
to make sense of it all.2
There in loving rainbows
he saw the lovely girl.
Daffodils and merigolds
made a wreath around her breast.
The knight longed for nothing more
than to lie upon her chest
and rest his weary troubles
in the summer of her love.3
He approached her, slowly, cautiously,
as she played in the pure white sand.
He met her grave with piety,
and prayed she'd understand.
But she would have no words with him
who conquered her mother land,
so the knight decided, cold and harsh,4
to force her by his hand.
On the warm, white sand he laid to waste
her virgin sanctity.
The young girl fled, in teary pain,
to the bluff overlooking the sea.5
Not able to conquer or stop the man
or the shame that burned inside,
the maiden threw upon the rocks
her body and her pride.6
The brave knight, seeing in the girl
the horror he'd become,
slayed himself with cold, steel blade,
in the warm, forgiving sun.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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There’s a personal sadness...
...in your words, that shows understanding of the insanity of war. Your knight, obviously honorable at heart because he dies of shame, is unconstrained -- unbridled -- by the lack of civilized constructs in battle. He just ‘takes’ the girl, against everything he knows is right. It’s easy to get morally numb. It’s very easy. It was kind of you to create a character that woke up for us. Thank you for creating and sharing this. Warm regards, Sultan -
WOW! This wasn't what I expected to be reading. A nice surprise though. I really liked this. And I'm not sure you main reasoning behind asking me to read this. But I am glad you did. I really enjoyed it! I applaud you for it!
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This is so sad and the muse improves my pessimism and destroys my optimism and what started off as a wonderfully romantic treatise tapered into those tearful jerkers which anyway life is doing its bit.
The abrupt change from love as the subtle words used make it love and not lust or beauty as a catalyst to love or frustration as a symptom to the resting of the head onto the damsel's seat of tranquility;to the fleeing away is a bit confusing as there has to be something more to the eye that made him flee like this,isnt it?
The young fled is-is this right? "young" can it be replaced with "youth"
Please change merigolds to marigolds
cheers
Shubs
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Outstanding!
Oooohhhh I love this one even more! You really took me there...and ever the hopeless romantic this appealsed to me in a huge way
You writing appears so delicate...as if the words just flow with ease....The end of this is my favorite part
"The brave knight, seeing in the girl
the horror he'd become,
slayed himself with cold, steel blade,
in the warm, forgiving sun."
Made me suck in my breath! -
Awesome ending
I agree w/Bigcountry. The ending-that was great. It puts a twist on the phrase "We want that which we cannot have." I expected something different from what the title seemed to say, but-overall it was a great write. Really liked this one.
-Requiem. -
wow. this was great the beginning was kinda slow but by the end you held me captivated.
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Though the beginning did not draw me in, I decided to continue reading anyway, and I am glad I did. Though it started off a little bland for me, the end was captivating.
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wow. . .
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*blinks* Given the title, I'd expected something quite different. (Not that I'm complaining - quite the contrary. As I just noted to another, I do like a good twist on my expectations.) Definitely seems something that's a piece of a larger epic tale, something I hope you decide to return to at some point...
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What a sad sad tale you have penned here. Tragic ending for both of these characters. An unusual ending, bringing the story back to the title. Well written.
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wow that sounds just like something that might happen back then. this was very good.keep up the writing.
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Thankyou for the kind critique. Cool, huh? Not exactly your father's lopve poem! I hope you'll check out a few more! "My friend," "The Bowman and the Maiden," "In the Shade of the Trees," and, for a change of pace, "Ebony Man." Thanks! - oce
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Wow. I really didn't expect the story to unfold the way it did, with this titled "The Warm Forgiving Sun"...quite the unexpected jolt when I neared the end. I could see this turned into an epic poem, quite well written and a wonderful story line. Basically? I like.
Bestest of wishes and all that other mushy, gushy stuff
~Meli~
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I think you did a really good job with this. This could actually be the basis of a prequel type story about the knight prior to this. Maybe how he was once noble and such and then became malevolent. Fantasy writes like this have never been my strong point, but I feel you did an exceptional job with it.
~ John
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Beautifuly written
all I can say is wow this is a wonderful poem I love how you put the phrases together with so much passion and meaning. So vivid and descriptive. I love it and very impressed. great write and I will be looking at other work of yours. feel free to get a hold of me if you want me to look at something else. -
what a strange twist at the end... so much hate in getting what we want.
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