VINYL BINARY DIARIES : the legend of arthur riley

Arthur Riley was the kind of guy you smelled before he even got there,from yards away the flies would announce his arrival,this could be due,in part,to the fact that he liked to hang out in his taxidermy shed in his backyard,perfecting his dead beavers,but there again he didn't bathe much.Anyhow,beavers made up most of his collection,(although he had a few stuffed roadkill ducks he picked up on the side of a road,and a festive looking little group of marriachi pigeons that he pegged himself in his own back yard.),it was the beavers he preferred.Little else interested him outside of this hobby of his,until one fateful day when he came to the realization that he was a lonely,smelly old man,who in addition to all of his more terrible qualities,harbored an unhealhty interest,and maybe a borderline obsession with kicking and stomping at the various birds that the elderly ladies liked to feed at the nearby city park,(much to their horror as they tended towards taking a very personal interest in those plump cockeyed little pigeons,ducks,and common grackles,and starlings that ran amok pecking at each other and generally birding around as they do,some of these ladies even going as far as naming them after folks they admired),and as they flopped to the side of the trail and flapped their dying moments in agony ,Arthur stole away laughing and was soon over the distant hill and within ten minutes completely on the other side of Whitter's Park.panting. 1

To begin with he didn't have many friends,er...well,any friends,but who needs friends when you've got a shed full of dead beavers,and a modest collection of jackboots,(perfect for terrorizing the old crones & the pigeons they loved).Surprizingly he ran alot faster than most folks would've figured,(he was slightly obese),and would take fight as swift as a bird on a windy day over the hills and on out of the park in his ominous black boots.As he walked towards his car the mounted policeman would rear up on the bloody scene he left in his wake,as a few shellshocked women gathered piles of desperate looking birds in their arms wailing intermittant misery for the entire world to hear.
Arthur chuckled gleefully as he got into his car and drove on down to Best Omelettes,(his favourite diner), and so he ambled through the entrance making some nearby customers grimace as he wafted by with an invisible haze surrounding him,seemingly indifferent to the nausiating stench of his own body.2

The girl at the counter knew the usual drill,and would don a perfume drenched scarf she saved for such occasions,wrapping it around her face tightly.It could be hard to make out what Arthur said sometimes,as he tended to lisp and stutter at ther same time,but the girl knew his usual order,and would make quick sell as fast as she could to send him on his way.He mistook this for her her developing sense of duty and efficancy,and was none the wiser that she was thouroughly repulsed by him,Arthur figured he cut a stoic and admirable character to the young woman ,who in his deluded mid was in love with him tooo.On his way he strode past the breathless ,gasping patrons whos noses didn't know what hit them,arrogant as ever.much to their collective horror his smell would linger longer than he did and would drive the whole lot out of the building,being shortsighted he thought they were waiving him goodbye,and he returned the favor. 3

Back at home he listened to his vast collection of polka records,and gently sipped at his coffee,(now cold),and licked at his saturated moustache between every other sip.On this day he was anticipating the arrival of his latest pending purchase,(as soon as it was delivered!),an * inch flaying knife that doubled as a compass.He paced silently around his living room,peering occasionally through his drapes with his beedy little eyeballs,"A watched pot never boils.",he thought to himself,and sat down in a reclining chair.4

Pretty soon he began to doze off and dreamt of skinning chubby beavers with gusto in his premium pre fabricated shed,as a soft tacit snow drifted down gently and evenly all over his backyard.A sudden someone at the window annoyed him,and he made his way towards the entrance to meet the stranger with a sneer."What do YOU want?",the man answered," i am from the animal control and would like to have a word with you about supporting the AudobanSociety of the Kickapoo King Pigeons,if you would kindly fill out this form please..."5

As Arthur held the tablet an alarm went off,and he found himself being told to stand against the wall with the others,he looked down to see that he was now naked,and his cock began shrinking into his torso,a previously unknown sense of doom enveloped him as he tried to yank it back out...to no avail,and he pannicked off into the forest,where angry squirrels pelted him with nuts and scat,he ran to a building to find shelter,and still couldn't gater his bearings after such a mortifiyng experiance, but soon found himself in a room full of nuns who offered to cleanse his body and restore his manhood but only if he pleaged to take violin lessons,and stay away from birds.He agreed and they circled him disrobing and gyrating in decadent serpentine forms,the head nun,(girl at coffee shop),proceeded to kneel and open her mouth waggling tongue,"come to me",she whispered repeatedly,and just then ...He awoke to the sound of a knock on his front door,and got up to see who it was.6

"Mr.Riley?","Speaking...",he replied,"sign for this please,","What's the puh puh pp point of the these things anyway,you can't make out what i wrote..","it beats fumbling around with a pen,that's Arthur Riley?","correct',"okay have a nice day,"(take a bath was his underlying thought beneath the smile.Arthur whisked away to the kitchen to open his long awaited
prize,and was pleased to find that there was a note,along with an extra gift,*WE HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR LATEST QUALITY PURCHASE,AND FOR BEING SUCH A LOYAL CUSTOMER,WE KNEW YOU'D ALSO ENJOY THIS TOKEN OF OUR APPRECIATION.*7

It was a wet stone to sharpen his knife if he ever needed to,and walking up to a piece of chicken he laid out and defrosted earlier in the fridge,"ahhh...smooth,like a hot knife through cream cheese.",he thought and set about getting some things together,and couldn't help but feel as though he had forgotten something.8

Lorena was the last middle daughter of the family who lived next door,and being a little cheeky would tend towards bossing around her younger siblings and cousins,oft times making them do the sorts of things they wouldn't dream of doing,like playing william tell with a cherry instead of an apple,and handfulls of rocks in place of arrows.A favorite pastime of hers was telling very scary stories that ended in certain doom,where the hapless victims never returned to a normal way of life ,ever again!Some of her masterpieces were based on that dirty stinky tramp of a man next door...the dreaded Arthur Riley!One day after dinner and after she had neatly gathered up her minions,she set about scaring the living daylights out of them!And this variation would be her all time scariest!It started like this."Once upon a time there was an evil old man ,who was so evil that you could smell him from far and away.","What's his name?",chirped out one of them,"be quiet...SHUT UP I'M TELLING A STORY!",she demanded as random murmering broke out among the sad looking little group."His name was Ophidicus",,"how do you spell that?",asked another ,"do you want to hear this story or not?",and when they all shut up continued,"but the folks in the nearby town,knew him as opie."
,"OPIE!!HEE HEE,OOWWWWW!!!",as her little sister rubbed her arm,
"that'll teach you to interrupt me."