Illusionary: Chapter 1

I reached to my dresser to grab it, wiping my eyes and trying to steady my breathing. The Caller ID flashed across the screen, reading “Withheld.” I silently wondered for a moment as the tears subsided. Probably people playing jokes…1

“Hi.” I answered, with an evident note of irritation.2

“Hey.” 3

A very noncommittal answer; the voice was male and indistinct, though I did recognize it somehow. Simply by this response, my breathing picked up. Suddenly, in fear of losing my already doubtable control, I responded with obvious distress.4

“Who is this?”5

“Laura- I” I felt strange, hearing my own name. The familiar voice sounded urgent, yet sincerely kind. There was something else there, too, but I couldn’t read it.6

“Tell me who this is!” I demanded.7

“Please, Laura, listen to me… I will tell you, but first… please, just calm down…” I realized then that the voice sounded as though… as though he was in pain. I thought for a moment, trying to replay the words in my head, still wondering who he was. “Don’t cry anymore… please…” I felt the usual crushing feeling in my stomach. It sounded like... like…8

“Mason,” I whispered, inaudibly. I ceased breathing altogether.9

“Laura. It’s me. It’s Mason.”10

“Mason,” I repeated, louder this time.11

“I love you so much,” he whispered.12

My breath caught in my throat and numbly I realized that my cheeks wet with a renewed stream of tears. I clutched the phone tightly, sitting rigidly on the edge of my bed.13

I heard his voice. He was here, with me, on the phone… he was talking to me. I knew it; the whole time, I knew he was still with me somehow…talking to me. 14

And then I felt a stabbing pain in my chest as I realized…15

Of course he was with me. He was in my memories, in my head, but gone from the world…and now… he was speaking to me from those memories. No longer a picture, he was talking to me from head… 16

I’m actually going crazy. 17

“Laura? 18

“This can’t be real,” I breathed, “No- I know this isn’t real…”19

“Yes, yes it is! Listen to me… I promise you right now that this is real, okay? I promise!” I didn’t respond as my breathing curbed on the side of hyperventilating. He promised. He never promised anything that he wasn’t completely sure of.20

Of course he would be completely sure if he was inside my head. 21

“Laura, I know this seems impossible, but I really hear your voice, and you really hear mine.”22

His voice sounded so lovely, better than I remembered. I pictured his face then, first laughing and happy… then cold and unfeeling…Just hearing his voice made those images, even the last one, fully bearable. It was his voice, clear and beautiful, and he said that he loved me… 23

“Oh God, I’m actually going crazy…” I held the phone in disbelief.24

“You’re not crazy! This isn’t a voice in your head, I promise!”25

I couldn’t say anything. Numbly, I wondered if you need to audibly respond when you start hearing voices, or if they’ll hear your voice in your own head…26

“This isn’t real.” I whispered.27

“It is real. I’m real, at least… I think so.”28

So now the voice in my head doesn’t know if he’s real or not.29

“Mason,” I said, gathering my thoughts, “Mason, you’re… gone…”30

“Laura, please, I know I died.”31

I pictured him without wanting to, lying in the wooden coffin. Stone cold and forevermore unmoving, I knew he was dead. And yet he was speaking to me…32

“Mason…” I choked on my tears, feeling utterly lost, clinging to his words with more tenderness than I’d felt since he’d gone. 33

Two parts of me battled mercilessly. Believe him, it’s real, the one side coaxed soothingly, while the other, the nearly dead girl sitting in the corner of my mind with barren eyes advised me against it. I’ll not have you go latching on to your crazy delusion again. He’s gone! Accept it and banish this fantasy so you can move on!34

“I’ll never move on.” I said aloud, lost in thought, as I realized how much I wanted to believe the voice.35

“Laura…” He sounded so… so tortured.36

“Mason, I wish this was real, God, I love just hearing your voice but…” I was breathing erratically again, and I paused to calm myself. “You’re… dead.”37

I hated saying those words. There had only been one other time I’d forced myself to say it.38

“I know I am. I’m sorry, Laura, I’m so so sorry.”39

The tears came thicker as I sought coherent thought.40

“How…” I began, but I couldn’t stop sobbing. Suddenly, I felt myself sliding into the delirium again. “No, I don’t want …I don’t want to feel this pain again!”41

“Laura, I know, I feel it too, I-”42

“No,” I shouted, interrupting him, “you can’t know how I feel! Each time I see you, I see you- you in some sort of… mirage, and I believe you’re back; you’re actually here with me! But you can’t know the pain I feel when it melts away and I realize... I realize that not only do I feel like I’m ripped in two, but… that I’m… I’m insane, crazy!”43

The voice didn’t answer as I fell into disconnected sobs. I hadn’t spoken of this before, not to anyone. Not altogether surprising that I had suddenly confided in him. Hadn’t I always told him everything? Silence reigned. After minutes or hours, I spoke again, softly.44

“Mason, I see you everywhere. You’re haunting me.”45

Finally, he responded, or rather his voice did, full of agony.46

“I’m only harming you now…I should go…”47

“No!” I shrieked, surprising myself. “Don’t go.”48

“Do you believe me?”49

I paused. Did I? The war within me raged savagely.50

“I’m not sure yet… but… I miss you.” I could hardly stop myself from collapsing with the tears. “I like hearing your voice, even if it isn’t real…”51

“Laura, you have no idea how much I love you.”52

I gulped.53

“If there’s any way for me to fix what I’ve done…I’ll find it, I promise you.”54

I didn’t understand what he was talking about; it simply didn’t matter.55

“Mason” I murmured, abruptly. I found that the pleasure I used to feel from saying his name was no longer dominated by the usual pain.56

“I love you.”57

“I love you, too, baby.”58