Monkey business

Part 1 1

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The other day I came across a website that had actually trained computer monkeys to type Shakespeare.  I immediately thought, why hadn’t I thought of that idea?  Where can I buy computer monkeys? I think I will wait to buy some until they are better trained.  These monkeys don’t type very well. One very bright monkey typed 16 correct letters from Hamlet; though one not so bright monkey typed the entire book of Genesis, he was immediately hired as a Whitehouse Chief of Staff.3

In the creationists defense however, typing monkeys can be the mouthpieces to god. This was proved in a leading scientific research article written by very intelligent scientists.  They wrote that god only speaks to man through equal distance letter sequences.  That is why religious works never make any sense.  Before this I had known that the bible and other sacred books didn’t make any sense because human minds are incapable of grasping the infinity that is god.  Any human that even glimpsed this vast Eternity became completely insane.  Of course it is still beyond my comprehension why god wanted me to buy these scientists book so that I could understand the heretofore unfathomable enigma of genesis. Perhaps god didn’t want to be understood and might  smote me or something equally biblical now that I had the power to break his code. However the infomercial told me to act now or lose the chance to understand god forever.  $29.99 later, plus seven days (God didn’t create the world in one day so why should we expect more from the post office.) I had the ultimate scientific code and was ready for monkey enlightenment.  Using the same painstaking research used by these scientists who were able to accurately predict from the book of Genesis that McDonald’s and Wal-Mart would both flood the earth in demonic ascension, I cracked the monkeys’ code. 4

At this moment, however, I am still not sure how to interpret the results.  Is this a Shakespearean sonnet about god or a sonnet written by the almighty god about Shakespeare?  On the one hand, I did use the god code.  On the other hand, I know that god only talks to men and not apes, since only humanity is deserving of god’s notice. If you don’t believe me ask any evolutionists.  Ask if they have any religious books written by monkeys.  Thus you will see that no matter how many times they tell us my Uncle Charlie is a brain dead chimpanzee, the only thing that matters is that Charlie is loved by god.  This is more that can be said for all other sentient creatures as well as semi-sentient humans that are unwilling to buy the god code.  They are all condemned to hell, along with any one who is male, has an even number of letters in their last name, or who was born after 1964, the date the Earth went to hell according to all leading scientists.  One of my trained monkeys whispers in my ear that no one is allowed to enjoy themselves in hell even if social conditions drastically improve under new but demonic management.5