If I Resolved Everything That Makes Me Human (non-fiction)

As we walked, I began to wonder what is the resolving unit against all violent things. How can one remain calm within a inch away from getting burnt? How can the soul absorb the things it wants and hates? Can you swallow ice and then fire? Neither way is easy. Nothing in life is easy. I guess that's also life. You, my friend, or lover alike, are my opposite. You can be everything I want. Or you can be everything I hate.1

Why am I so weak? Why aren't you not helping? Right..., you said that already. You said I have to help myself before you can. We can have a small chit chat. Here and there. Chit chat. Chit chat. And then silence. We don't always talk much. Sometimes we never talk much. Sometimes when we do, we can talk hours and hours before we grow panicky by the slow provocation of how many hours have we used recklessly.2

When I cry, I can cry until my eyes dry up. An hour later, I will be thinking absentmindedly, going to places and places in my head, searching for an answer behind the mystery of my tears. Why do I cry? What triggers my anguish? After hours of crying, you can forget why you cry and then you can cry unstoppably because you don't know why. 3

Human. Is crying what it means to be human? To feel pain and joy at the same time? Does it makes me feel young or too old? We cry as babies. We cry when we are hurt. We cry for selfish reasons. We cry from painful experiences. In times of loneliness, we cry when we feel too much that our bodies can't seem to contain it all since nothing comes in or out.4

What am I thinking? You ask. I don't know. I am just subconsciously writing something out. Maybe there's something in me that I can't see, must be absolutely blind to it, which is trying to find a way out. Or is it I have already turned a blind eye to my own self that I forgot what I want, and in doing so, began to lose myself. But that self just don't dissolve. Instead, just withdrew within me. So it's finding a way out.5

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If I know all of the hidden secrets, which is impossible to dig out, in the human mind or soul, maybe I can finally put a lid on my oversurging emotion, which caused me pain because I cannot control and since so, cannot stop myself from hurting others, maybe I wouldn't have to cry anymore.7

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But still, if I resolved everything that makes me human, I would cease to exist. So, I better keep on crying. Ugh. So much for one day.9

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