I got off of the bus into the pounding rain. I started to walk toward my house, but when the bus rounded the corner, I stopped. The rain didn't mind me much. It was a refreshing change to the dry indoors of the school1
'Claire!!' My mother. 'Get up here!!! You need to go buy groceries!!!' I sighed. She was a lazy bum and didn't like me much, so I got stuck with all of the work.2
I stayed there, in the rain, not moving an inch. It seemed like it was washing away all of my happiness, making me forget all of my troubles. I closed my eyes, soaked in the lovely rain.3
'Claire!! Get up here, you stupid girl!!' Go away, I willed the voice. Go away....The water was so relaxing...I could feel it surround me....Hear an ocean beat upon itself....4
I could no longer feel the rain. 'No,' I said to it. 'Come back.' But it did not come. With it gone there was nothing more to do than to face my raging mother.5
My eyes opened, but I did not see any houses or trees. Instead I saw an ocean. Deep and mysterious, it sparkled in the sun, showing no sign of anger or roughness that was usually depicted.More mysterious in front of me swam a boy, his ears looking more like fins.6
'Here,' He said in a soft voice. In a webbed hand he held out a small flask. I took it and drank. What was the point? I hated my life anyway. 7
It was strange. It had a salty taste that was quickly taken over by a sweet one. The feeling I had after it was stranger than the taste. It was sort of like an explosion of energy, swirling within me, making me laugh out loud. Then the most amazing thing happened. I grew fins. Large ones on my feet and back, smaller ones on my elbows, and my hands were webbed.8
'Come with me,' he said in the same soft voice, and dived beneath the waves. I followed him into the wonderful utopia that lay underwater9
Author notes
Sorry if you hate it. I'm not very good.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Hey, write more and I may be appeased.
-Arias' Son -
Sorry!!!! I was in a hurry to write it!!!
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Well, if you continued it, it might be good. It has potential to have something at least. This sounds like several dreams I've had (which have inspired all of my stories!). Lovely how fantasy makes real life more bearable.
Since you asked for a critical review, however, I'll say a little something more. The description lacked. If this is a story of how the protagonist (I assume there will be more conflict other than the over-bearing lazy mother?) had a boring and mundane life before meeting this mer-person, sea elf, what have you. Tell what it's like. Does she have any particular obsession or attraction to the sea that eventually took her away? Names perhaps. I know I've seen beautiful short stories where the protagonist's name is never known, but in this case, I think a typical introduction is in order: name, physical description, home, school, life, family.
But then again, I am ignorant and just passed over her name. (hits me on the head) Sorry about that.
Develop this more. Is this single scenario a dream or real? If it's a dream, is it repetetive? How long have they been happening? Does this sea elf look like someone in real life or is he purely fantastically (as in fantasy) made out of the girl's imagination?
I have a strange obsession with the sea myself (though I am moderately hydrophobic) and love the trains of thoughts that come out of watching the endless waves break upon the black stone of the night, or the endless green and blue glossy depths of a deep serene lake, and the wind blowing atop the surface of an endless spance of water, of faces appearing in the gloom and imagning that there are people, whole vast cultures living down in the depths, and if I but look, if I but have the courage to dive there, I could glimpse into their world. By your name and by this story, I imagine you share some of these dreams. Is this girl you? If so, give her a glorified light that you imagine you shine with. Make her real and the story will become all that more tangible.
-Arias' Son
Edited on Aug 28, 3:50 because 'oi, am I really tired'. -
Amazing
wow this is a good peice amazing poet well i dont know if you read my poems yet but i think you will like them is you are happy and a tad depressed but about the IM i know it is so boring in the chat room but hey you`ll get used to it and one more question do you like Poem Prince? -
nice story like osmeone lese said it needs some work but its good i''m more into darker creatures. i love water thoguh i have al my life so thats why i liked it i think becuase i love water
-em-ils -
You're a cool writer, I'm just not in to water and underwater people. But, its still cool.
Raven x -
Seems a little too fast for me. Maybe you could write some more to it, make it a long story
It has potential if you wanted to.
~Angel
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I really like it, i think it could get a littlwe work to it but i really like it so far, are you going to add more?
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I don't hate it at all...what a wonderful escape this seems to be. If only that boy had invited me instead! It's very cute; good luck with the contest!
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