Lost

Shadow had been waiting over an hour in the small, stuffy waiting room, the smell of pine too strong to bare. Posters were all over the walls, but she didn't take any notice of them at all. Her thoughts were somewhere else, in her 'Dreamland', everyone called it. She was waiting for her best friends to turn up. 1

She was at a Funeral Arrangement centre, sat alone in the corner of the room staring out of the window into the bright sky, whilst the Secretary scribbled annoyingly over many sheets of paper, occassionally answering a ringing telephone. She couldn't stand it any longer, she was aware of everything around her, and it was the last place she wanted to be at that moment. She got to her feet, grabbing her black leather jacket. Her sudden movement had caught the woman secretary's attention, and she watched as Shadow walked over to the door and swung it open, and stopped at the sight of her friends, who were equally still and staring too.2

"Er...bad time?" Claire asked, in a funny tone, trying to get them to laugh. Once again she had failed. Everything was different, ever since the death of their best friend, they'd all been quiet, secluded, all apart from Claire, who even when sad, could crack a joke, but no-one seemed to hear anymore. 3

Shadow shook her head breifly, before pushing past them into the street. She didn't care what they were thinking, she just ran, and found herself at home.4

Sitting down at her desk, after avoiding her mum's questions, she tried to calm down, but it was easier said than done. Her mind was racong with different thoughts, and her heart was beating so hard she thought she'd burst. She stared a moment into the black flickering screen of the t.v, then blinked, trying to rid her eyes of tears. Within a few moments she had already begun to brake down, hugging her pillow to her as she cried, tears staining her cheeks and making her eyes red. 5

Not caring about the fact that her door wasn't locked, she grabbed her black scissors, and began to run the blade down her arm, watching and not wincing, shaking with the sobs, as crimson blood ran down her arm, over her wrist and into her palm.6

The next day she walked into school, her fleece sleeves covering the scars that hadn't yet healed properly. She didn't answer when her friends called to her from the usual meeting spot, she just gazed at them, seeing right through them. Someone was missing from that group, and she'd never forget it, and never try to go back to the way things were before, like the others were doing. Because the truth was, it could never be like it was before. Her whole world was built around her best friends, she'd already be dead if she didn't have them, but to her, Midnight was the best of all friends.7

"Heylo!" Claire said loudly, trying to get her attention. Shadow pretended to be on the same planet as them, saying hi back and sitting on the bench while they laughed, although she could tell their laughs werent real. They were all someone being fake, especially Shainaz. 8

"Why did you suddenly run out of the Funeral place thingy?"9

"Why do think?" Shadow snapped back, hating herself for being horrible to her friends, when they were the only ones actually keeping her from the grave.10

"Hey listen, just try to forget about everything ok, we're having to." Shainaz said, leaning on Newras shoulder.11

"That's easy for you to say. I can't go around pretending nothing happened, hoping it'll just go away and we'll wake up one day and find Midnight's still with us, because that wont happen. That's just a load of b*l***c*s."12

"Wait, i never said that-"13

"You never said it but you still mean it."14

"B*l***c*s!"15

Newra tried to calm us down while Claire retreated to behind the fence, looking worried. We all knew she hated arguments.16

"Both of you calm down ok!"17

Shadow and Shainaz went quiet, glaring slightly at eachother.18

"You'd come and help everyone else with the funeral if you cared." Shainaz said, trying to sound a little more friendly, but it was obvious Shadow had upset her.19

"I care more than you do. You're all just trying to pretend everythings ok, but your just tricking yourselves."20

"I care as much as anyone here!"21

"It's your fault that she's f*c***g dead!"22

"For God's sake stop shouting at her, and it's not her fault! She just couldn't take it." Newra shouted, looking angry. Shadow didn't actually care anymore.23

"The only thing she could think about was you, and you deliberatley tried to make it worse!"24

"Oh yeah and how did i make it worse?"25

"Cutting your wrists for one!"26

"Don't be a hypocrit!"27

Shadow shut up at that, not knowing what to say. Shadow could feel her arms through the fleece, her skin hot around the scars, and she knew Shainaz was right, she never made it easier either. 28

She grabbed her bag, slung it over her shoulder and began to walk away, looking out for teachers.29

"You'll get caught!" Claire shouted over to her, but she smiled slightly and whispered to herself, "It wont stop what has to happen."30

Around half an hour later hse was looking over the water under the Tamar bridge, listening to the roaring traffic behind her, and the birds chirping to one another, remembering when she had found her best friend unconcious in the toilets. She was on the floor, a bottle of vodka lying beside her pale hand, an empty carton of pills in the sink. She remember someone calling for a nurse while she stood frozen, shaking, hoping what she was thinking would never come true. She remembered braking down in tears for what seemed like the first time in a lifetime, when the nurse lifted her hand away from my friends pulse, her head shaking, muttering a meaningless "Sorry."31

Her eyes glistened with tears, she wished with all of her might that it hadn't happened, but she knew nothing would be reversed.32

"You cannot undo what cannot be undone." That had been one of Midnight's often quotes, which had always made Shadow think of her own death. She had never believed Midnight would do it, not really, so it had been a huge shock when she had died.33

The water glistened like her tears, the ones that made her cheeks sting in the cold wind, her hair blow out around her face. She could feel her throat getting tighter as she gulped down more tears, her throat dry. She pulled herself up onto the bars, dangling her legs over the water far down below. There was around two percent out of one hundred chance of surviving a fall like that, and when she realised that one day she wouldn't be able to take any more of life, she knew that drowning would be her way of leaving. Painless. You'd fall so hard that the water would shock your body, sending you into a fit or unconciousness, then you'd slowly drift under the water, and float away from reality, and life.34

Closing her eyes, she whispered "I'm sorry. For everything." under her breath, then let her grip lossen on the bars, her body fall forewards into the air, her bag slip from her arm and go falling beneath her, splashing into the water when she was still only three quarters of a way down. That's when the thiught ran through her head, and she knew that she wanted to live inside of her friends, to watch them, see if they actually did care about her, but she knew the answer. The shock of the water didn;t do what she thought it would. She instantly froze, her arms and legs to cold and shocked to move. No... She thought weakly, shutting her eyes as water filled her lungs, slicing her throat as she inhaled the water, gasping for breath. Then everything left her. Her love for Midnight. Her friendhsip with Shainaz, Claire and Newra. Her painful dreams. Her will to live.35