Confessions from a Moleksine - Sadist Mind

The more I think about it the more I want to hurt someone or hurt myself.1

Believe me when I say I never wanted to feel this way. (Then I don't believe in most things I say regardless). I have felt this way before, but never so strongly and intensely as I do right now.2

I am not sure how the feeling came about. It scares me to the point of illness. It affects my sleeping. It causes me hellish nightmares and repetitive dreams and during the day it hauntingly arouses me to know end.3

I could never bring myself to act out these tormenting desires. Neither would I want them inflicted on me. I block them out as best as I can, veering away from the sociopaths I have be-friend-ed all the while hiding, absolutely petrified that I have over stepped the line and that my life may be in jeopardy. 4

I have put myself in situations where it could happen. Where my last words would be screams of agony and pleas for salvation. A chance for me to survive unharmed yet still emotionally turmoiled. More so than I already am now.5

I then sense the urging. The horrific cries from my conscience begging to feel what it would be like to hurt and be hurt. To kill and be killed. When I want neither at all. 6

It is a confusion between my carnally sexual needs and the overwhelming destruction of numbness and desperation.7

The idea that I could loose the man I love makes me compulsive and desperate. When the truth is I have already lost him and you cannot loose a love that was never there or reciprocated in the same fashion.8

I sit. I stand. I lay and ponder about these many morbid, sadistic ideas and plans that have and still are formulating in my mind, hoping to crack onto something that could and will take these numbing frustrations away.9

I only pray (I am not religious) that I can keep it under control and extinguish it before I fall pray to it or before someone I love (Or don't) falls prey to my sadistic mind.