Marty hated his apartment.
Every last broken, filthy, leaking thing about it.
The AC would warm up just long enough to puke out plumes of smoke before it gave up and died.
Every last electrical outlet had scorched itself useless, like a somber self-immolation to protest the waves of invading roaches.
Hell, even they gorged themselves to death on refrigerator coolant, sick of having to crawl around in such a shithole.
If only the landlady, that sour old cooze, would take a lesson from everything else around here and off her damn self.1
But despite every awful, peeling, broken, burning, filthy, leaking thing that made his home a hellpit, there was one thing that made Marty want to go the way of the roaches:
his next door neighbor, TED.
Big Red Fat Fuckin' Ted.
With his greasy red curls slipping around on that 5000-calorie pizza face...
That hairy gut peeking out from under his work shirt like it's trying to escape its beer-drenched KFC smothering torturer...
This mouth-breathing bag of dicks was the laziest, most disgusting creature ever to crash on God's green couch.2
But worst of all...
Worst of all was the NOISE!
If he wasn't blaring his mind-flayingly wretched nu-metal, he was yelling at the football game or huffing and puffing over some hooker he must have met at the feed store.
Every moment of every day--
NOISE
NOISE
NOISE
NOISE
Marty would swear to GOD this guy wouldn't shut up if he were fuckin' DEAD!
And what could he do? Can't tell the landlady, she's too busy checking pay phone coin returns for meth money.
The cops? They don't give a shit.
He'd knock, he'd yell, and it's not like Ted would ever open his door when Marty would come by. That slack-jawed puss-parade.3
So one day Marty finally bumped into Ted in the hallway and gave him a real piece of his mind.
He told that lazy bastard what was what.
Told him he was a piece of shit.
A loser.
Big Red Fat Fucking Ted.
A slobbering waste of a trucker hat and blue jeans.
If he kept up all this noise and bullshit, Marty'd beat his fat ugly face in.
Ted seemed pretty shook up.
Scared and defeated.
Lower than the brown chunk dip spit on the awful, peeling, broken, burning, filthy, leaking, cracked and leaning floor boards.
He just slinked off into his apartment and locked the door.
That slack-jawed puss-parade.
Marty felt pretty good about it.
It was about damn time.4
A few hours went by without so much as a PEEP coming from Ted's place.
Not one single tiny morsel of jackass slipped through the cracks in the wall.
Marty laid in bed and sucked in the silence like the landlady on a loaded glass dick. 5
All of a sudden there was a knock on the wall.
Really more like a THUD.
Then another.
And another.
And another.
Keeping a slow beat, almost.
Big Red Fat Fucking Ted!
He was all angry about his dose of reality and maybe that sleaze needed more than a few words.
Maybe he needs a boot to that sulking tortured gut.
Put it out of its misery, just like everything else around here.6
THUD
THUD
THUD
THUD7
Marty covered his head with a pillow. Then two. He couldn't sleep. How could he? A fat red lazy metronome wouldn't stop keeping beat with Korn Bizkits on his living room wall!
He just couldn't take it anymore.
Marty threw open his door and ran over to Ted's.
First he knocked, but what good would that do, right?
So he tried the handle, but the door was locked.
So fuck that, he thought, and kicked the door right down off its rusting, squeaking, awful, peeling, broken, burning, filthy, leaking, cracked and leaning hinges.8
And then he saw what was making that awful annoying fucking NOISE.9
Ted had hanged himself with a cord and his dirty black boots had been hitting the wall as he swung back and forth from the ceiling.
A contest entry
- Dark, Evil, and otherwise Unpleasant by WritersEffigy.
666 points, ended April 3, 15 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Actually it reminded me Frank Miller's style in one of his graphic novels.A short-humorous story.Good job again.
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Wow!That was a cool ending and the writing was pretty good.I enjoyed it.
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I liked it.
It's digusting, but well written and makes me laugh. Your unfocused rage matches mine. We are brothers.
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Strawberry fantasy
you caught me off guard again! (and thats kinda hard to do) GOOOD JOB! -
haha
good job AGAIN.
dont try telling me this ones a kids read at night story though, lol.
work on the ending and it will be great
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Just one suggestion: The very last line felt a little off, not really sure why - it seemed a slightly out of touch with the style as a whole. It still works, and works well, but I think a bit of rewording could make it even more fitting.
All in all, great work. I had a vaguely uneasy feeling as it started to draw to a close, and the ending confirmed my suspicions. This was a dark, gritty tale that doesn't try to shelter us from the nastier things in life. Very well done.
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Yeah, you're not the first person to say that about the ending and I totally agree. I'm not sure how I want to fix it, but I'll work on it for sure.
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This story filled me on the inside with warm tinglies! Anytime you can find a way to use the term "bag of dicks", I'm in for the ride!!! Sick, twisted and wonderful.
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I really enjoyed this piece, it captured me from the very beginning.
I think the ending is what needs some work. it keeps up with the blunt writing style you've used, but you could fine tune it a bit more.
Maybe something like "And then he saw what was making that awful annoying FUCKING noise.
THUD
THUD
THUD
Ted's boots hit the wall.
His eyes bulged and his tongue, bloated and purple, hung from his mouth.
THUD
THUD
THUD
SNAP
The cord holding him up by the neck broke and Ted, God awful annoying fat as a whale TED fell to the ground, dead."
Just an idea. I know it's a bit much as far as a suggestion, but just saying.
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This piece could use some technical work but overall it's well written. The emotions are raw, the anger, the rage, the frustration, and lastly, the tragedy.
What's really scary is it makes me think of past experiences I had while managing an apartment building (one of my tenants, also a drug user, was stabbed seven times in the stomach and the cops couldn't decide if it was a suicide or a homicide.)What you describe here, although dark, is very realistic.
Well done! -
oh- descriptive, full of anger and rage and such a tragic and wierd ending. I enjoyed reading this. I could feel the emotion through your words. Good job.
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