Heaven's A Lie

After all the bruises and cuts inflicted upon me, I still couldn’t find it in myself to get up and simply walk out and leave for good. After all the swear words and put downs I’ve been called which have scarred me mentally, I still couldn’t leave. And to be honest, I still can’t find it in me to leave him because I can’t. Because I love him with all my heart. I have no one else to go to for he’s all I have left, he’s the only person I can turn to and I know that deep down inside, he loves me, too. So, I sit here and wait, taking his severe beatings, hoping that that day will come. It may be worse now, but maybe in the future, he’ll change. Waiting and staying here with him is worth it. Because he’s worth it. 1

----2

It was 6:55 am. I stood in the kitchen, slaving over the hot stove, cooking breakfast. Today was sausage and eggs with some bacon, but it wasn’t for me. It was for my boyfriend Ryan who expected breakfast to be done by the time he stepped out of the shower. Since yesterday, he’s demanded this. As I finished up cooking, I gently rubbed my neck which was a little sore from not sleeping well. I opened up the cupboard. I shut off the stove and put the eggs, bacon, and sausage on the plate before placing it delicately down on the small round table. As I made the coffee, footsteps could be heard. 3

My heart raced as I poured the coffee into the cup and put it beside the plate as I did with the napkin, fork, and knife. Ryan walked into the kitchen as I put the frying pans into the sink and began to wash the greasy stove. My heart nearly stopped as he stood behind me, placing his hand on my back. He rubbed up and down, causing me to wince from the slight pain I felt in my back. Underneath the shirt I wore was a bruise which was the size of a large golf ball, which was inflicted by several hard kicks to my back. I trembled every time he touched me, even if his touches were gentle now. My body seemed to be tensing when I felt him lately and I would panic, thinking I was going to get it again but yesterday was the very first time that I was ever harmed by the hands of the man that claimed to love me so dearly like a princess. 4

“Good morning, babe. I see you’ve made me breakfast. You’ve must’ve gotten up before I did to make this. It smells good, like you do.” He whispered in my ear as he continued to rub my back, not indicating that he was hurting me. I stopped cleaning and dropped the cleaning objects, reaching for his hand to hold. I cautiously monitored my movements towards him. One wrong move would be all that it would take to set him off. With his free hand, he grabbed my hand and held it in his. 5

“Good morning to you, too. Is your breakfast alright? Did I make it right?” I cautiously replied to his kind words. I was somewhat relieved that nothing was wrong, yet. He seemed calm and in a good mood. I briefly smiled. He paused for a moment to think. 6

“Looks good, babe. Why don’t you come sit down with me? I’m sure you don’t want to stand here the whole time.” He suggested, turning me around. He leads me over to the table and pulls out a chair. I sit down in it and he sits in his seat beside me. He eats his breakfast as I stare at him. I couldn't understand any of this. He was a nice guy and loving and caring but how could he be something less than that? How could such a loving and nice guy be a hurtful monster? Maybe I was just imagining things. Today, he seems to be himself. Maybe what happened yesterday was an accident. 7

I reached behind my back to feel the bruise. I end up pressing too hard and I wince in pain. Ryan stops eating and looks at me. For a second, he looks like he feels remorse from yesterday’s incident. “I’m sorry about yesterday. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just slipped, you know? But I can control my temper better now so I won’t slip no more. It won’t happen again.” 8

“I forgive you.” That was all I could say to him right now. For kicking me in the back yesterday morning until I blacked out, he seemed to be truly sorry and for that, I forgave him because I love him with all my heart. There would be no one else who I loved more than him and I knew that he loved me the same way. And I knew that he never meant to actually harm me. Before yesterday, he had never hurt me mentally or physically so I guessed that it was his temper that set him off. What else could it have been? It’s not like he hit me again after he kicked me and besides, he said he was sorry so he must love me. 9

“You’re a good cook, Rose. The food’s great. One day after you graduate high school, you should become a chef. I bet you’d be great at it.” He complimented me happily as he ate some more. I smiled back at him. I was rather glad that he was pleased with my cooking today because it meant that I did it right this time. And I pondered on the thought of becoming a chef. I loved to cook and maybe once I graduate from school, I’ll go to a culinary school. 10

“I’ll think about it. Sounds good.” I murmured to him. Once he was done eating, I washed all of the dishes before finishing washing the stove. Then, Ryan left for work, leaving me home alone. Today was Saturday which meant no school for me. I walked into the living room and watched TV. About an hour later, the phone rang. I picked up the phone and answered it. 11

“Hello?” I answered a little tiredly, resting my head against the arm of the chair. 12

“Rosalie! Hi!” It was my friend Christine. She sounded very excited that I answered. 13

“Hey,” My voice was warily, nervous. Ryan didn’t like it when I talked to my friends. He always told me that he felt “inferior” to my friends so he didn’t allow me to talk to them, not to any guys, or to anyone else. He told me that I was his which I always thought was sweet because I liked to think of him as mine. If I talked to any guys, he’d get jealous which showed me that he loved me a lot. 14

“We haven’t talked in a while! Ryan always gets your attention! You’re always with him!” She complained. 15

“I know, but I think it’s sweet.” I replied. 16

“It’s kind of creepy how he’s always calling and texting you on your cell phone. Always asking where you are and stuff like that. How is that romantic?” She pointed out. She may have been right about that, but I thought it was kind of romantic to always have him ask what I’m doing, where I am, and who I’m with. He’s just interested in me, that’s all. He means no harm. 17

“So? He loves me.” I stated firmly. 18

“He’s sounds a bit controlling to me. Next thing you know, he’ll be telling you what to wear or hitting you.” She replied. 19

“No,” I shook my head. “Ryan is not like that. We both love each other and so he’d never hurt me. Everything’s fine so don’t worry about me. I have to go now. I think he might call. Bye.” I said before hanging up. Ryan wasn’t an abuser and he would never become one. 20

Twenty minutes later, Ryan called. As soon as I heard his voice, I felt happy and I quickly forgot about my conversation with Christine. 21

“So, since I’m only taking a small break right now, I figured I would call you. What are you up to? Have you talked to anyone?” He was curious, demanding. 22

“Well, Christine called.” I admitted, biting my lip. I figured that I would tell him the truth to make it easier on myself. Ryan took a while to respond. Was he angry with me?23

“You talked to her? For how long?” He inquired two minutes later. His voice had an edge to it but it didn’t sound like anger. 24

“No! Of course not! I just told her to stop calling here and then I hung up on her.” I lied to him. This was the very first time that I ever lied to him. Was it wrong for me to lie to him about talking to one of my friends when he told me not to? To me, it felt absolutely wrong. But no matter how I felt, I couldn’t tell him the truth. It would be so stupid of me if I did. 25

“Alright. As long as she won’t call here again and you don’t try to call her.” He replied to my lie and bought it. 26

“I promise I won’t.” I promised him. I felt like I was promising something to someone of a higher and more superior power rather than just to my boyfriend. It was such a strange feeling. 27

“I’ll be coming home around three so I’ll see you then. Do you think you can keep yourself busy until then?” He asked. 28

“Yes. When do you want me to start cooking dinner later?” 29

“Not until at least five. That’s a long time away from now so don’t worry. I’ll take care of later, alright? Love you, babe.”30

“Love you, too.” I hung up. I looked around the room and thought… ‘See, Christine? He’s not abusive or controlling. Everything’s alright.’ 31

At about 3: 13 pm, Ryan came home from work. Before I had met him, he was a skilled fighter in mixed martial arts and was the best. Now, he works as a trainer for it. A few times he had me come and watch him work. When Ryan had entered the house, he made his way over to the couch, sat down, and placed his feet up on the coffee table. I sat down next to him. 32

In one swift movement, his arm was wrapped around me as he pulled me closer to him, cuddling into me. I hesitated before laying my head on to his shoulder and held his hand. He gripped my hand a little too hard and I tried to remove my hand from his. It was no use. He was stronger than me. The more I struggled, the tighter his grip got. It was as if he was trying to break it. 33

“Ryan,” I muster out, finally. He turned his head to face me, giving me the attention that I wanted or rather needed. 34

“Yes? What’s up?” He answered, completely innocent. I wondered if he noticed he was hurting me. 35

“Um…you’re hurting my hand. You’re being rough with me and it hurts. So, can you please loosen up your grip?” I pointed out to him in a sweet and kind voice, which was how I always spoke to him. There was never any reason for me to not be nice towards him. I treated him with respect like he did me. 36

“I’m being rough on you? Hmm? And because of it, your hand hurts? Hmm?” He questioned me, his ice blue eyes turning darker. I swallowed hard. Did I do or say something wrong? 37

I just nodded my head. I couldn’t think of any words to say to him. I watched as his eyes flickered in anger. For a minute, I swore I saw his eyes turn black with anger. I pulled away from him but he only pulled me back. His hand was nearly crushing me, finger and hand marks forming on my hand from his. I winced in pain as I gave him pleading looks.38

“What’s wrong? I’m not being rough, am I?” He mocked me. Still, I didn’t respond to him. He continued to talk. “You call this being rough? Huh? You’re the one who’s being rough!”39

“Huh?” What was he talking about? How was I being rough? I didn’t do anything wrong. 40

“Don’t act stupid with me, Rosalie. I know that you lied to me.” He firmly said. I swallowed hard again. How did he found out? Was I a bad liar?41

“No, I didn’t lie to you.” I protested, shaking my head quickly. 42

“See! You’re lying again!” 43

“No, I’m not! It’s the truth!” 44

“Well, I called Christine up and asked her myself and you two were talking, about me! I knew you were lying. You’re a horrible actress. It’s a good thing that you’ll never want to act because you’d never get the job.”45

I nearly seized. I used to love acting and a couple years ago, I used to perform in school plays but not the musicals. People told me I was a good actress and Ryan happened to be one of those people. Hearing him tell me that didn’t bother me enough to put me down. 46

What was wrong with Ryan? He was never like this before. Usually, he was calm, gentle, nice, and laid back. He’s still those things but now he’s also controlling, jealous, rough, and hurtful. Sure, he was angry about me talking to Christine on the phone, but he didn’t have to overreact like he is now. He doesn’t have to be hurtful towards me. 47

“I’m sorry, Ryan. I’m sorry for talking to one of my friends on the phone and then lying to you about it.” I apologized to him. His eyes flickered even more with anger as did his face. He was furious with me, I understood that. Maybe if I told him the truth then he wouldn’t be as angry as he is now. 48

All of a sudden, Ryan’s hand collided with the side of my face hard and painfully. My head snapped to the side. The hit from his hand stung terribly. I reached up to rub my face. I knew well that a red hand print mark was forming on my face and that there was a possibility that a bruise was as well. I stared up at Ryan dumbfounded and in complete shock. He just slapped me; the second time that he’s hit me. 49

“Damn right you’re sorry! You better not try to pull a stunt like that again or I’ll give you something to be sorry about!” He yelled viciously at me. His tone of voice soon changed and he sort of softened up. “I’m sorry babe. I didn’t intend on hitting you again. I slipped, again. I couldn’t control myself. Maybe if you weren’t bad, I never would have slapped you across the face.”50

He removed his hand from mine and hugged me. Faintly, I smiled at him before I said, “I forgive you. It was my fault.” Yes, it was my fault. Ryan never had any part in it, I thought. If I never talked to Christine and lied, he never would have felt the need to discipline me. He was right. I was wrong. 51

“It’s alright so stop crying. I’ll let it go, this time so quiet down. Go cook dinner.” He demanded softly. I hadn’t realized that I was crying. I wiped my tears away and got up and walked into the kitchen. For a minute, I peered out of the kitchen to ask him what he wanted for dinner. 52

“Whatever you feel like cooking is fine with me. Everything you cook is great.” He answered me. I went back in the kitchen and pulled out chicken out of the freezer. As I cooked it, I covered it with lemon on the top and bottom so that it wasn’t dry. Then, I got potatoes and boiled them in a pot. As everything was almost done, I set the t able for two. Smelling the food, Ryan entered the kitchen, enjoying the sweet aroma. Before we both saw down to eat, I set the food on the table. 53

“It’s a good thing you and I are together.” Ryan stated as he ate. “You are a great cook, as I said earlier. You’re always cooking. You like that, don’t you?” 54

I stopped eating for a minute to think of an answer to his statement. On a daily basis since we’ve been dating, he’s always told me how great I cook. And I am glad that I have someone to cook for but I don’t know if I want to cook every single day for the rest of my life. That would be a bit tiring to me to have me do that. What if I didn’t feel like doing it? Wouldn’t he want to go out or order take out every once in a while? Can’t he help out with cooking?55

“I guess so but not all the time. That’s a lot of work, don’t you think? How would you feel to always have to cook?” I had spent nearly a minute and a half to think of what to say to him. I didn’t want to anger him. 56

“But you know how I always have to work almost every day. You’re always home so it’s more convenient if you do everything.” He replied. I was a little relieved that he wasn’t angry with what I said. 57

“I know but why do you expect me to do all the cooking and cleaning? I can’t do everything, you know. That’s too much. I said, thinking over my words cautiously. Setting him off any more was on the bottom of my list. His current and bran new mood was a b it scary and unpredictable. I wasn’t sure of what his mood would be. And I was a bit afraid and nervous about that because I wanted to avoid his bad side at all times, not matter what the cost was. 58

Ryan slammed his fork and knife down on the table so loud and hard that I nearly jumped out of my seat. “I’m the one who works everyday and brings in the money every week. My job requires me to be physically active all day. I pay the bills too!”59

“And I have school to attend and I have hours of homework and bookwork. I get exhausted too. It’s bad enough that I’m not allowed to talk to any of my friends or go out whenever I want to.” I argued. 60

That was it for me. I soon regretted causing him to argue with me. 61

His fist came down against the hard surface of the table like lightening. In a flash, he stood up from his seat and walked over to me, stomping with each step. In one swift movement, he grabbed onto my arm and yanked me out of my chair roughly. His expression was wild and crazed. Why couldn’t I keep my mouth shut so I didn’t provoke him or anything? Lately, my actions only end me up with bad consequences. If I did as he said, this would never happen. We would still be sitting down, eating dinner, and enjoying each other’s company but instead, I was acting like a horrible girlfriend. 62

Half-walking and half-dragging me, he led me out of the kitchen and up to the stairs. My instincts told me to fight against him and I did just that. I pulled away from him with all my strength and tried to pry his hand off my arm which was tightening more and more as each second passed. I attempted to go limp but he would only pick me up and carry me. My struggles were useless against him and his strength. 63

As soon as he led me into our bedroom, he released his grip and threw me to the ground. He then shut and locked the door.64

“Ryan, what are you doing?” I asked him, nearly shouting to him. Irritated, he grabbed a handful of my hair, twirled it around his knuckle and lifted me up to my feet. I cried out in pain, struggling to get out of his hold. He was pulling so hard on my hair that it felt like he was going to rip my scalp off. Once I was standing up, he yanked my head back by pulling on my hair. He looked me dead in the eyes as if he was about to commit murder. Another painful cry escaped from my lips. 65

“Listen here, you little bitch. I don’t like when you disobey me. I told you what you weren’t supposed to do but you did it anyway. And I won’t tolerate your back talking.” He stated. Tears streamed down my face. “Oh and just so you know, you are mine. Nothing will ever change that fact. You’ll never leave me because you can’t. I’ll always find you. Is that understood, bitch?”66

I nodded my head yes, to let him know I understood what he said even though I didn’t agree. I couldn’t believe it. For the first time in five months, I’ve never felt so trapped before with him. He changed his personality all of a sudden for worse and I was trapped. Trapped to live with him and be with him forever because I was his. I bet that if I ever left him, he’d hunt me down and drag me back home or he’d might try to kill me. 67

But what hurt the most of all was when he called me bitch. Until today, he’s never called me that. Never. I can’t remember him insulting me that bad before. What’s gotten into him? 68

His grip was released. This time, I didn’t bother to wipe my tears away. If I did there would only be more. Awkwardly and afraid, I stood there before him, waiting for what was going to come next. 69

“What’s gotten into you? Why are you acting like this?” I innocently asked him, tears pouring down my face. A hard punch to the stomach was my reply. I dropped to the ground, winced in pain, and went to clutch my stomach. I was then kicked in the stomach and the sides several times. He kicked me in the ribcage until we both heard a crack. I let out a scream of pure agony. 70

He bent down beside me and we stared each other in the eyes. I cowered away from him, scared. “You know I love you but when you disobey me, I absolutely hate it. Let this be a lesson to you. If you just did as I said, I wouldn’t have to beat you. And if you love me like I do you, you’d do just that. 71

“I-I love you." I muttered. He smiled and stroked my tear-streaked cheek. I flinched away from his touch but he only continued to stroke me as his touch became more than gentle.72

“I know you do but you have to show me. Make me believe you. I’ve shown my love to you. I’m the only person who loves you and wants you around, believe it or not. Your parents were killed in a car accident and I nicely took you in because I love you and care for you. The rest of your family didn’t even bother with you afterwards. They hate you. And your friends, they hate you as well. They want nothing to do with you. So, I’m all you have left. Unlike them, I love you with all my heart.” He explained. When he spoke, his voice sounded manipulative. 73

More tears poured down my face. He was right. He was all I had left. My parents were dead. My friends hate my boyfriend they’re envious of me for being with him. Ryan was always telling me the truth because he never lied to me. Always was he honest but I was the one who lied. I didn’t deserve him. I deserved to be punished because I was a horrible girlfriend. I was bad. 74

“I’d love to stay here but I have a meal to finish eating and you, you should stay in here. I’ll be back in a little while but your punishment isn’t over yet." He stood up and left the room, leaving me hurt and lying on the ground. That was the very first time that I realized who Ryan truly was. He was an angry and scary monster who beat on his defenseless girlfriend, who could also have a sweet and loving side to disguise it all. A small part of me told me I should leave but the other part of me didn’t want to leave him. I still loved him, even after he beat me. And I felt that he still loved me and meant it when he said it.75