A diary of my first love

It had been 2 years ago to the day that I locked eyes on him. I knew right then and there we would be together, but I didn’t know how. He had bleach blonde hair and a tan that sizzled as he stood their oblivious. It was his first day of work at a job where he didn’t know anyone so he was quiet at first and cautious.  I was in my own world, but for some reason I knew we would connect. I just wasn’t ready yet so until then I decided to make friends with this complete stranger at a job we both seemed to dread. 1

As the registers beeped and the sound of “paper or plastic?” rang in my ear I couldn’t help, but feel a connection to this new employee.  Our job wasn’t exactly glamorous, but it helped to talk so we could pass the time. Struggling to be heard this new bag boy named Trent questioned the customers that were now coming through my line. “Do you want plastic or paper?” his voice was unsure, but rugged and deep. The customer was too busy engaging in a conversation with another customer to even notice him, so I took matters in my own hands.  “Excuse me miss, but he wants to know if you want plastic or paper?” I said in the most concerned voice. “Plastic is fine.” The lady replied then smiled and kept on yapping her mouth off to the other customer beside her. 2

I was lost in thought for a moment until I noticed Trent smile up at me then quickly bag the groceries. He kept staring at me and in the corner of my eyes I could feel his mouth searching for the right words to say. As the customers departed I finally got up the courage to say something to this mysterious boy. “I wish I could leave! This place is like hell on earth it just gets to you after a while.” Surprisingly he responded, “Yeah I know what you mean and it sucks because I am here until close.” “Well I’m only here for another hour, but it seems like forever. Damn I want to go out and party this place is so boring.” I sighed quickly noticing his smile widen in curiosity. For a brief second I took all of him in, his eyes a shade of blue and green, his smile as wide and flawless as ever, and his short burly frame in this tight uniform. 3

Realizing I had been in a daze he quickly replied “So where’s the party at?” I smiled and whispered “If I told you, I’d have to kill you.” Then he laughed and the conversation got more and more interesting. He didn’t bare his soul to me nor I to him, but we made each other laugh and innocently flirted for the rest of my shift. When it was time for me to leave he seemed like he wanted to ask me something, but I shrugged it off and said goodbye and for the first time I introduced myself as “Regan” and he took my hand and introduced himself as “Trent.” I walked out of publix that day, but not out of his life. As I walked in my house and got ready for the night ahead of me I realized something I forgot to buy, a camera. Quickly I curled my long blonde hair and put on my favorite short shorts then found a top that screamed sex appeal and still left something for the imagination. It was this baby phat purple top that hugged my body in all the right places and as I put on my makeup and picked up my friend I knew I would make a lasting impression on Trent.4

Staring off into space I didn’t realize my car door had been opened and my friend Brittany was now inside. “Hello earth to Regan? Whose ready to ppppaaartay?” Brittany shouted. She was wearing another one of her tight tank tops bearing almost all of her skin except half of her breasts and a short mini skirt that most guys would label easy access. “Hell yeah I’m down for some partying, but I got to do something first.” I replied. “What do you have to do girl? Because I am ready to get my freak on!” Brittany smiled wickedly. “Well, I forgot to buy a camera, but I want to buy one at my job because theirs this cute guy there and I want to give him something to remember.” I smiled innocently. “Girl you look like you could give him a woody with the way your dressed.” Brittany laughed. “I doubt that! One look at you and he won’t even notice me because girl you barely have anything on.” I giggled. A roar of laughter ensued between Brittany and me then I started my little Toyota tercel and we were on our way to publix. 5

“Come on girl lets go flaunt you around this boy and see what he thinks of the sexy Regan!” Brittany screamed. Cautiously I got out of the car I had just parked it a few minutes ago and I was both eager and nervous, but I knew what I had to do.  Slowly I walked in the store making sure every step could be just as sexy as the other.  It wasn’t long before I saw him and I casually nodded in his direction letting Brittany know that was him.  At first he didn’t notice me, but when I stood in line to buy my camera his eyes stared at every inch of me and his jaw seemed to drop to the floor.  He hastily began to bag on my line until I was up and my order was done. We made eye contact the whole way through and he even forgot to give me my bag at first, but realized it moments later and bashfully gave me the bag.  I felt like I could read him so well and apart of me knew we were meant to be or so I thought. 6

For the next few weeks we talked here and there, but nothing seemed to happen so I moved on. I started liking this pretty boy named Teddy who was wrong for me, but I couldn’t help, but want a piece of him.  He was like the typical player, but he had game and he was buff and suave almost like a younger Brad Pitt. He wasn’t the smartest guy on the block, but he did have some heart it just would never belong to me. Our romance sizzled then fizzled out and people soon began to talk at work about how I was a wh*re who slept with Teddy even though we both didn’t end up dating. I denied it even though I knew it was true, but I didn’t regret it because the only person I wanted to be with was Trent and another had already taken his heart.  Weeks turned to months and amazingly Trent had magically found his way into my heart again. I just never thought it would happen like this, never in a million years did I think we would end up together after I was trying to hook him up with someone else.7

The store was kind of slow that day it was boring and I was desperate to hold a conversation with someone who didn’t believe in those nasty rumors about Teddy and me.  To my surprise I didn’t have to look much further then Jaime Becker. Jaime was this immature boy crazy teenager who wore big bulky glasses and no makeup. She was a little overweight, but she wasn’t completely unfortunate she did have a plain, but kind of pretty face. She smiled up at me with the same dreamy eyes I had for Teddy not so long ago. “So who is he?” I questioned expecting a half ass answer of “I don’t know what you’re talking about”, but abruptly hearing a response I didn’t expect “Trent!” “Oh so you got the hot’s for Trent?” I laughed trying to seem like I didn’t care even though in a weird way I did. “Yeah and he feels the same way too. He’s always saying I am beautiful and making me smile.” The love struck Jaime softly replied. “You know what I think I will hook you two up because someone deserves to be happy even though I am not right now.” I said encouragingly. She just smiled and nodded in agreement. 8

I still had a thing for Teddy so this chemistry or spark between Trent and me had kind of disappeared so it was easy to come up to him and start talking.  I noticed that once I talked to him he seemed to be a little bit of a flirt, but I shrugged it off then quickly asked him how he felt about Jaime. I could tell that I had caught him off guard and he seemed a bit baffled by my question, but he soon responded “She’s a cool kid, but I’m not into her like that you know. Plus, I got a girl and the only girl I was into here was….Oh never mind maybe I should try harder not to send the wrong signals.” “Yeah maybe you should I mean the poor girls got a thing for you and now your stuck with having to let her down easy.” I scolded him. “I can’t help it I do like to flirt, but when I am really into a girl it’s different I can’t just flirt with her I have to get to know everything about her.” He confessed. “One things for sure I’m not going to be the barer of bad news I’m just going to try and persuade her not to go for you.” I sighed. Then before he could say anything else another customer approached my register and asked for my assistance.  9

Try as I may, Jaime couldn’t see past Trent and she was just as hopeless as I had been with Teddy, but it was just infatuation nothing real. Later on I noticed her happy go lucky attitude had changed to a woman scorned.  She moved toward me with this look of grimace and dismay on her face then flatly said, “he never told me he had a girlfriend. Now, I know why you said I shouldn’t get involved with him.” “Yeah um I don’t know what to say….” “Don’t say anything, I told him that what he did was messed up and he should be ashamed of himself. So I think he got the picture.” Jaime smirked mercilessly. Swiftly she turned and left me standing there in bewilderment. For the next two weeks Trent and me talked it up more and more it was starting to become more then just a friendship and both of us could feel it.  Then one day he didn’t seem too happy and I tried to ask him what was bothering him, but pesky customers flowing through my line interrupted us. 10

The busyness died down and I turned to a faint voice “I am single now! My girlfriend whom I loved cheated on me and broke my heart. Now I am truly alone because I have no family and no real friends and my girl is gone.” Trent said holding the tears back. He looked like he had sobbed for hours, but most of all he looked like he had felt betrayed once again. “Hey Trent if its any conciliation this girl didn’t deserve you. You’re a great person and your handsome so you’ll find someone better then her one day and she will be the one missing out on you.” I said with reassurance. Surprised he looked up and smiled at me as if he had never heard such positive words of encouragement “So you think I am cute?” he grinned. “Yeah of course your cute you know that. And from what I know you’ve been through a lot, but you’re a great person anyone could see that.” I blushed. That day something changed it was like he wanted me to know he was available and he asked me if I wanted to hang out and we did. We hung out outside of work more and more then one day we both admitted we liked each other, but something threatened to stop our blossoming friendship. That something was a girl named Melissa.11

I sat on my register bored as usual, but at least I had a friend near me, Melissa was at the register next to mine.  I didn’t notice it before, but she seemed to be flirting with Trent and it bothered me because they seemed to be just as friendly as him and me were.  I mean was he playing me or was I just jealous of his friendship with Melissa? I didn’t know what to think so I thought I would nonchalantly mention that Trent and I were close.  Being the best at manipulating I worked my magic on Melissa. “So isn’t Trent sweet? I mean sometimes out of no where he texts me that I am beautiful and stuff like that.” Almost without hesitation Melissa shrieked “Wait a minute he does that to me too! I thought he had a thing for me and only me? That is so ridiculous I guess he thinks he can say that to the both of us. Well I don’t think so! He won’t get away with trying to play me!” Melissa shouted angrily. “What other stuff does he text you?” I asked nervously. “Well, he sends innuendoes that make it seem like he would want to hook up with me he never really made it seem like he wanted a relationship.” Melissa said in a narcissistic tone. “Oh he never says that to me he told me he liked me and he didn’t want to ruin that. He has never made any sexual comments to me either.” I said with pride knowing full well that he wanted more from me then Melissa. “We’re not together though so I can’t really say anything to him, but I am going too.” Melissa replied.  With that she left probably to go find Trent and accuse him of playing her. 12

Before I knew it my shift was done and I walked away from my register to get my money counted. I started to walk toward my car and all the while my head sunk to the floor because I realized Trent wasn’t serious about us. I wondered how long it would take for him to be serious and how long it would take for him to ask me to be his girlfriend. The answer would take another two months. Meanwhile I was sick and tired of just seeing Trent so I began to date other guys and I knew this would make him jealous so I did it anyway.  I started talking to so many guys I could barely remember their names, but one stood out, Perry. Perry was a sweet guy who was a friend of my X boyfriend. He started calling me and trying to hang out with me, but one day he called when I was on a date with Trent and I quickly snubbed him off telling him I’d call him back. Thinking I had been found out Trent just started being more aggressive.  He’d put his hand around me and offer me his jacket I couldn’t believe how happy I was. The thing is I started to like Perry too because he was just as nice as Trent and he obviously wanted to take things to the next level with me.  I was so confused I didn’t know what to do or who to choose because it came to a point where I couldn’t date other guys and I had to make a choice.13

I went over my friend Brittany’s house hoping she would have an answer for me, but all she could tell me was that I needed to ask Trent once in for all what we were going to be. Picking up the phone I began to dial Trent’s number when all of a sudden I heard the phone beep and realized Trent was calling me.  I picked up the phone and said “Hey sweetie. I was just about to call you.” “Oh really wow that’s weird maybe its fate or something?” he laughed. “I need to know something Trent and I need you to be serious.” I said concerned. “Ok what do you want to know?” he asked immediately. “I want to know how you feel about me? Not just that you like me, but what you want to happen between us.” I asked anxiously anticipating his answer. “It’s funny you should ask me that because I am crazy about you. I didn’t want to do this over the phone, but I guess it’s now or never. I am in love with you and pretty soon when the time is right I plan to ask you something important.” He said putting me in complete shock. “I don’t what to say! I can’t even tell you if I am in love with you because I’ve never been in love, but I do know I want to be with you. So can you hold that thought because I have to do something?” “Sure I guess.” Trent said with a hint of disappointment. Still in shock I hung the phone up and sat in disbelief as Brittany just stared at me with curiosity. The first phone conversation went too well now I could only hope the second one wouldn’t.14

“He said he’s in love with me and I think he is planning to make things official and finally ask me to be his girl!” I blurted out. Brittany started laughing and replied “Now you know how he feels girl and isn’t that a good thing?” “I don’t know what it means or if it’s good, but I do know I want to be with him and now I have to break things off with Perry.” I said. Without further redo I picked the phone up and dialed Perry’s number and after 3 rings he picked up “Hello sexy I was just thinking about you.” Before I could reply he went on “I know this isn’t the best way to do this, but I just can’t get you out of my head and I wanted to know if you want to take this relationship to the next le….” “Wait! Sorry before you go on I need to talk to you.” I yelled. Just as he was about to say something I started talking “Look I like you, but I don’t feel like this is going anywhere and we are both at too very different parts of our lives. So I think we should just be friends because this wouldn’t work out and I am sorry to say this now and like this.” At first there was silence then their came bitterness “You’re a real b*tch you know that you play me for a fool. I liked you and now you do me dirty like this forget this I don’t want to be friends I don’t want to even know you.” With that he hung up on me and I thought Perry would be out of my life forever, but I was wrong.15

Things between Trent and me were supposed to be better, but they couldn’t be more awkward. We avoided eye contact and we barely spoke about his profession of love until he brought up the fact that what he had said probably scared me, but he didn’t want it too. I just shied away from him and that conversation talking about work. Not even an hour later he told me that Perry was outside talking sh*t about me. I begin to panic because I knew what he had probably said to Trent. “Whatever he said it isn’t true he’s just bitter because I didn’t want to be more then friends with him.” I said in a worried tone. Sensing I was worried he replied “Don’t worry baby I told him me and you are dating even though it’s not official and that just seemed to piss him off anyway so I guess I did something right.” He laughed. I smiled back at him, but was still worried that Perry would make a scene in my workplace.  To my surprise Perry didn’t make a scene he hasn’t even come into my publix ever since. Trent and I finally talked that day about love and I told him I loved him too, but this was new to me so I didn’t know how to deal with it. He just smiled and said first loves aren’t easy. He was right first love is hard and sometimes it can be too hard.16

Through the trials and tribulations of our relationship I loved Trent with all my heart, but that wasn’t enough for us. After eight months of officially dating on and off I couldn’t take the pain anymore.  We had been through so much, but maybe in the end we weren’t meant to be together.  Fate wasn’t on my side this time and my first love and I would go our separate ways. I moved on, but it was hard because he still held a place in my heart and perhaps he always would.  I guess love is not always enough and maybe the first time around it’s a learning experience or maybe for other’s it’s the real thing. Now Trent is only a memory good or bad remains undermined, but I am in love again with another wonderful man named Gary.  The funny thing is I am his first love, but maybe not all first loves are cursed? Maybe it just depends on if the person you are with is willing to fight just as hard as you are.  I couldn’t do that with Trent, but Gary has proven that he can do that with me.  So whether it’s your first love or it’s your last you will never know what fate has in store for you. 17