I used to be beautiful. Beautiful. I used to be beautiful, really. Better than most, better than the fat nurse who watches me. Or am I fat watching the once-beautiful nurse watching me? It doesn't matter. I think- I don't remember. 1
They give me little tablets to swallow, and stick a needle with a tube into my arm. There are a lot of tablets. Blue, white, green, a yellow one. But I don't like to take them all sometimes. I don't like the way they taste. So then they put me in this bed, and put something in the bag attached to the tube attached to the needle attached to my arm. My arm, they say, is not supposed to look like it does. It is not meant to have a purple line across it, and it's not supposed to be what they call "pencil thin." I do not think it is pencil thin. It it too big. This tube in my arm is too big. I am too big. The nurse is too big, too.2
The nurse tells me that I will not have to stay in bed forever, with white walls, and the bags attached to the tube and the needle and my too-big arm. I do not believe her. I have been here since the beginning of time, why would they let me out?3
They visit me sometimes. I do not know who they are, but they say they know me. They don't know me, though. I do not know who they are, and they say my arm is "pencil thin." They are wrong. It is not. It is too big. A little boy used to come. I liked him. He gave me a green straw with curls and knots in it. He said it was so I would drink my drinks the nurse gives me and then I wouldn't need the bag with the tube and the needle in my arm. So then I decided to take my tablets that I did not take before. They told me I "attempted suicide." I told the nurse that I took them so the boy would not worry. They did not believe me. The nurse called in a man in white to take me to another room. They put many needles in my arm and made me sleep for a long time. The boy cried, so they do not let him come anymore. I miss him. 4
I used to be beautiful. The white walls are not beautiful. The nurse is not and I am not. But I used to be. And when they come to let me breathe again (they say I used to, but they do not know me, and I do not remember), I will be beautiful. The fat nurse is coming with the tablets. Time for bed.5
Author notes
from the point of view of an anorexic patient who's family (they) put her in a hospital, where she's given overdoses of drugs. (it happens waaay too often, ppl)
-the boy is her little brother
-in her drugged state, she took pills she hid so that they would let her see more visitors
any more questions? i'd be glad to anwer any!
(since i'm neither ana nor have I been in a mental hospital, any suggestions are welcome!)
-the language is \
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Interesting. I really liked this story a lot-it`s kind of haunting and I`m in that sort of mood lately, I guess. I could sort of relate, but that`s another story. Keep writing!
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This was really sad and emotional. I could not relate to your story, but that was okay. You portrayed a sort of sadness that lured me in and I liked it a lot.
Love D.L. -
Read the story which has quite a haunting effect a couple of times now, along with your author comments. Never had an eating disorder...least not that I know of. Nor have I ever been 'committed', per se. Have spent lots of time in lots of hospitals from 'clinical depression, paranoia and breakdowns'. If this comment helps at all, I will be glad to give you my thoughts. You seem to worry about 'language'. Don't. It varies from person to person, and the way you have written from the patience thoughts does it justice. Having known people with this disorder, talking with them (recently my daughter's neighbor/friend) they tend to have a thought pattern similar. From my personal experience as a nut case, my pattern of thinking often tends to be like this. A ramble within a ramble, memory loss that I sometimes believe due more to not facing the actual issues and running from them, and the sense of not truly knowing who you are but oh-so-certain that what you do is the correct way to go about things. Yep!!! You did cover quite a lot. The pills? Hid mine too and understood clearly the reasoning. Been through therapy since then, still suffer from a lot of the classified 'diseases' I was diagnosed with and learned to change my attitude somewhat. I commend you for writting this with the compassion you showed. With highest of regards,
rose 
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This sounded like a crazy person was talking...it seemed so real. I was surprised when you asid you never had an eating disorder because it felt like you were the patient. Fantastic job on this and I loved resding it. I was a little hesitant at first, but when I got started...I couldn't stop. It was sad when the girl couldn't remeber who her brother was and the nurse sounded kinda mean. This didn't flow like it should have, it was lost in some places...like her hiding the pills...I didn't get that until you told me in the Author's comments. Good job though and you don't have to comment on all my poems....I read this because it lookd intresting not because you promised me anything.
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p.s. you do not 'owe' me any return comments....I enjoyed the reading and did not do it for any other reason.
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This is a very intense and moving piece. I have had, in my younger days, bouts with this disorder but never to the extent described here. (Thank God.) The loss of memory, I am sure it may happen so I will not question the accuracy. This is to the extreme and I realize that you intended it to be such. I think you did an excellent job here but I do have a couple of slight complaints. I think your opening is repetitive and would hold more impact if the first statement was not repeated but instead left to hang and then you moved on to 'I used to be... better than most.' (Just my opinion)
My other issue is the explanation in your author's box. This work does not need added info. It is very clear to the reader from the well written descriptions what is going on here and the added info seems clumsy and unsure. I would consider shortening it to something like 'point of view of an anorexic patient' and leaving it at that or getting rid of it all together. Really the work stands on its own. You asked for neg. feedback so I was very honest with you and I am hoping that you really meant you wanted a blunt critique because many say that but truly do not. Those are small complaints. This is a strong piece. The way you returned, in the end, to your first statement ('I used to be beautiful') works so well to create the lost, unstable view of this character. In fact, to me that would have been my choice for the title. Great writing. -
Alrighty then you wanted som e critical view point instead of more praise. Ok then I can do this just remember I do like your piece.
I would suggest changing through my arm to something a bit more accurate, or maybe give the impression that it feels as if it's through her arm. If she is pencil thin an iv would feel huge, like a fat marker in a tp roll. Something about your first paragraph takes away from the disconnected feel. It's mostly in the way it looks. Maybe add a few of these ... and a thought or two that has little to do with what she is really saying ie reference to a dog, a test in school.
You use "I do not" too much. Maye a few don'ts and in line 5 a won't "but I won't take them all sometimes. I would take the word in out when talking about the nurse calling a man in it will tighten up the sentence.
That's it I'm done I won't pick your piece apart that would be like rewriting it and I won't do it. I hope this is what you were looking for and that at least one of the suggestions was helpful. It is a great piece on it's own.
Happy writing
April -
this was really sad... and i know how it feels to think you are too big even when you arent... no im not anorexic but i used to have an eating disorder...
the first paragraph kinda lost me at this part
"Or am I fat watching the once-beautiful nurse watching me? It doesn't matter. I think- I don't remember"
but i re read it and then it made sense...
i really REALLY liked this... you did an awesome job expressing the way someone feels in this situation... -
yep, she can't remember anything or think clearly cuz she's so drugged up. for as long as she can remember (which isn't all that long), she's been there. so how would her famaily really be her family?
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I love the story! I'm glad that some people are raising awareness about this... Anorexia is a real issue, not just some mental thing that the person can shrug off any time they want to. I love your use of repetition as well as dramatic irony. It was intriguing to be able to get inside the speaker's mind. The part about saying the nurse is fat made the whole thing seem more realistic, because I think it shows better than anything else how out-of-perspective/divorced from reality anorexics can get, especially in the later stages.
Having started down this road several times (only to be saved by people who love me, thank goodness!), this write shows me what I do not want to become, and it strengthens my resolve. Beautiful write!
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Marie you have inspired a story of mine sweets. I absolutely love this since I am not ana but I do suffer from ed-nos because i go between ana and mia and like to choose which i am which day so....
awesome write and join the new poetry place i don't trust ezboard anymore so you should post this on there everyone will love it!
Hugs Nicci
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I really enjoyed reading this. it was very interesting. and you have quite an imagination.. it was a very good write. i liked how she kept talking about how she once was beautiful on and on. and the fact was she wasn't beautiful anymore because she was too skinny not too fat like she thinks. nice writing
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Omg wow this was amazing, and you did excellent for never being in a mental hospital before. I don't really understand why she doesn't remember any of the visitors or anything, is it because of an overdose in medicine? Anorexia is very common and it's a good topic to talk about. I liked how you made her think she was big while the others thought she was pencil thin, that really got ur point across. Well this was an excellent read. Keep it up.
-Jen- -
very real
This is so sad and so very moving. Although you say you are writing from the perspective of an anorexic patient, this could really be from any sick person's viewpoint. It made me think of my dear mother-in-law who just passed away after an 8 year battle with Alzheimers. For the last year, she couldn't really talk anymore and I would always try to see things from her viewpoint and try to think what she was thinking as she was cemented in her bed. This is very good. Thank you. - joanne
Edited on Jun 07, 8:39 p.m. because 'typos...'. -
i really liked this. my sister is anorexic/bulemic, has tried to kill herself several times, and has been locked up more times than i can remember. during the most recent one, which was a few months ago, no one except my parents and her doctors were allowed to see her. stuff like that really is crazy. i dont understand how someone can be so little and think theyre fat. it doesnt make sense! but anyways, this is a really awesome poem, and it really reminded me of my sister. it was like i was reading her thoughts. this poem is excellent! and a really touchy topic to write about at that! great job!
*RaVeN* -
This was very interesting. I have a friend who is/was anorexic (she still struggles with it), and you did a very good job of portraying the patient as untrusting and unbelieving. This was an amazing write, well done!!
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