The Room

I tentatively push open the door, take a step, another, another. Along the corridor, each step taking me closer to that dreaded door. I haven't been here for 10 years, yet every little detail is etched on my mind, a perfect map of sorrow.1

As I draw closer to the room, childhood laughter echoes in my mind, I see us, 10 years earlier, laughing, joking, crying, double dating. I see us doing things most children do. I see a time when we were happy. The bitter taste of fear lingers in my mouth, my legs are barely strong enough to carry me forwards, but forwards I go, forwards I must go.2

Feeling a hand come to rest on my shoulder I gasp in surprise. Turning around to find Carolyn standing there I smile a welcoming smile. This is my friend, my best friend-in fact we're so close people mistake us as sisters. Where ever I am Carolyn is, and where ever Carolyn is, I won't be far behind. We do everything together, we're even dating best friends for heavens sake. Tonight we have a date planned with them. Carolyn is coming to mine and we're going to listen to really cheesy love music while getting ready to go out. The guys are coming for as at 8'o'clock and we're going to the cinema. We booked tickets yesterday, and even have seating arangements worked out. Carolyn and I in the centre, our respective partners either side of us. No-one and nothing can break a bond so strong. 3

Suddenly, I realise I'm standing in front of the door. Carolyn's image fades out of my mind. I slowly reach out a hand, take hold of the handle. On the first attempt my wet palms make my hand slip straight off again. Taking a deep breath I reach for the handle again, slowly ease the door open. 4

I'm surprised at how well I remember the room, true, it's haunted my dreams for years, but dreams can often distort images, and even if it hadn't I'd expect the room to have changed. But no-it's exactly the same. It's like being taken back in time. The desks are in the same positions, the books, although newer, are on a mess along the bookshelf. The same tree stands outside the window. The doors are even painted in the same shade of blue-although they've been redone since I was here last, the peelings are in different places.5

Stepping forward I allow the door to close behind me. The bang as it closes makes me jump, and I nearly turn then and run, but no, I continue walking forward. After all-I've been waiting for this moment for 10 years. It's time to lay me ghosts down to rest.6

"Carolyn" the words slip out of my mouth on a breath, I wasn't even aware I was going to speak. As I reach the nearest desk my wobbly legs finally give out, and I sink down onto it with a sigh of relief. 7

10 years ago, on the afternoon before we were due to go out, Carolyn had disappeared half way through lunch time, telling me she'd see me later. I wanted to go after her, but James had come and told me he'd find her, the two of them needed some time to talk. At the end of lunchtime, I'd began to get a bit worried. It wasn't like her to disappear for so long at lunch. I'd told myself that if she wasn't in the lesson I'd excuse myself, go and find her. Reaching the same room i was sitting in now, I was unnerved to see Mrs Twinkle, my english teacher, standing outside the door. She was asking all the students to step back into the canteen, and she looked white and in shock. 'Carolyn' had been my immediate thought 'somethings not right'. So I'd ignored her instructions, walked forward purposefully towards my tremoring teacher.8

"What's wrong? What's happened? Where's Carolyn"9

"Brooke, go to the canteen please" 10

"No, I want to know what's going on. Is it Carolyn? Is it? Is it? Is it?"11

The look in Mrs Twinkle's eyes had confirmed it all. Inside that room was my best friend, my soul sister, and something was wrong. If Mrs Twinkle thought that I was going to the canteen and leaving my friend there in trouble, well then she didn't know me too well.12

"I want to see Carolyn. She's my friend. You can't stop me" I'd said, purposefully. Having always been an obediant student before Mrs Twinkle had looked at me in surprise.13

"I said..."14

"I don't care what you said, I want to see my friend and I want to see her now" and with that I'd barged myself forward, pushed open the door.15

Sobbing, with my head on my hands I relived that scene, as I'd lived it for so many nights in the last 10 years, but being there, in the room, with the same layout, the same smells, the same sounds of childhood coming from outside it made it all the more real. I was that 16 year old girl again, shocked, scared and unbeliving. Silly isn't it-10 years later and I still couldn't quite believe the scene that had unfolded before my eyes that day. Mustering up my courage I slowly turned, until I was facing the back wall.16

There, on the carpet-lay Carolyn. 17

"Carolyn£ I'd cried, "Carolyn, what is it-what's the matter?"18

Id felt Mrs Twinkles hands on my shoulders, she was trying to stop me seeing what lay before me. But it was too late, I'd seen, and while I didn't want to believe it, I'd known it was true.19

"Carolyn, get up, Carolyn. CAROLYN"20

"Shush Brooke" Mrs Twinkle had soothed, "shush now" I'd broken out of her grasp, ran towards the broken body that was Carolyn, shouting at her all the time to get up. As I'd reached her I'd seen her eyes, normally so bright and full of fun, now lifeless, soulless, and I'd known. I'd still not wanted to believe, but I'd known. I'd flung myself down on the floor beside her, crying, screaming, my heart breaking. 21

As I sat there staring at the wall, I could still make out the shape of her lying there, the pool of red that had puddled underneath her, the red that had seeped into my clothes, unnoticed. The red that had rippled as my tears landed in it, one by one. The same tears that were flowing, unchecked, now.22

I hadn't gone to her funeral, had ended up bedridden for the next two weeks, unable to eat, or drink, sleeping and crying and sleeping and crying. I'd been in a right state, unable to belive that she could take her life like that. Unable to understand why she hadn't talked to me. I'd regretted not going to her funeral every day since. For 10 years I'd studied hard to make the days bearable, slept poorly through the unbearable nights, waking up often from nightmares, filled with guilt at not knowing, at not helping, at not saying goodbye.23

Now, I got up-walked over to the back of the room, knelt down and whispered goodbye, told her how sorry I was. Told her I loved her. Then, standing up I walked to the bathroom, washed my face-applied make up. Walking back into the room I sat down at my desk, unpacked my things. I hadn't been able to believe it when I'd got the teaching job here, been even more surprised when I'd been allocated this specific room. At first I'd been shocked, and scared but then I'd realised. Carolyn would watch over me, make sure everything went ok. If it hadn't been for Carolyn I would never have achieved my dream of teaching, I'd never have worked hard enough to get the grades. I knew that, and it helped.24

Carolyn may be dead, but she certainly wasn't gone. Her memory would live on in my mind. With a big smile on my face I turned around to greet my first class of students as they entered the room. Calling the register I did a double take to read out the name 'Carolyn Twinkle". Yes, it was time to move on, but that didn't mean I couldn't still love her.25