Superfast.

A dark figure moved in the night.
It was Darke Figur. He reached into the pocket of his long black leather trenchcoat, and fished out four cigarettes. He lit three, put one in his mouth, dropped two, and stuck one behind his ear.
Why? Psychological warfare, that's why.
After smoking his ciggie he got on his motorcycle and rode through the night since he was a badass motorcycle-riding vampire. His leather coat flapped in the wind like the wings of a bat. And then he was a bat. 1

The bat rode the motorcycle through the night. Its wings flapped like a long leather coat. The stars shone like holes in a garbage bag stretched over a spotlight, Darke thought spitefully and yanked on the gas making the bike go superfast.
As he went superfast through the night he thought about being a vampire and about how cool that was sometimes. He adjusted his sunglasses as he rode through the night, superfast.
It was morning and Darke was at school and he opened his locker and put a jar of blood that he had stolen from somewhere in there and almost forgot to lock it but then didn't. He turned around and Sander Jock was there who was a jock and played football and he was big and not nice to people who weren't jocks.
"Ill beat u at futbalz in gymclas," Sander Jock said.
Darke stared at Sander Jock darkly, like a bat riding a motorcycle through the night superfast. "Blood," Darke said.
"lolwat said Sander"
"opps i ment cheese" sayd Darke.
"o ok" said jocksander "but i still kick your ass and steal ur girl"
"no u cannot" Darke said, "i am too cool" he put on an extra pair of sunglasses and his superhot girl came and kiss him
she wear jeans with holes in them but not holes on her butt cuz she's not a slut but she was very nice and had emo hair but she was still superpopular like all the cheerleaders only she wasnt as dumb as they were.
i love u darke "she said"
"no u must love me iam jock" said jocksander "i am better at football" but then they had gymclas and darke had the ball and went superfast even without his motorcycle and everybody was superprisedd that darke could be so fast but darke was a vampire and it was a secret but he forgot it was a secret and used his superfast strength to play football and scored.
Later that night, he also scored with his superhot girlfriend. but then jocksander was a vampire too and he kidnapped superhot girlfriend who was called KATE and he tried to suck her blood but then Darke came on his superfast motorcycle through the night and he played some more football with jocksander and won again.
KATE, her eyes beautiful and full of lively sparks even in the superfast night, as though her recent kidnappings had done nothing to diminish her divine and emo-thug beauty, hugged Darke Figur with all her might.
"o mai god u saved me tanks" she said with all her might in the superfast night. She was wearing jeans and a striped shirt with black and white stripes and also four bracelets one of them pink and one black and one white and one blue with yellow stars. In her hair was a yellow rubber band and her hair was dyed black with red.
"KATE" Darke said, "ur so pretty"
"no im not," KATE said, being perfectly modest, even though she was superhot. "how did u beat cocksander at futball?"
Darke felt the lust for blood rise up inside him at the sight of his superhot girlfriend. "Because," he said, "I am vampire!"
He grabbed KATE by the arms and pulled her close. He was torn between kissing her and sucking her dry, torn like a garbage bag stretched over a superfast motorcycle.
"I knew it," KATE said, "ever since I found that jar of blood in your locker." KATE wasn't just beautiful and modest, but she was also very smart.
"Shit I should have locked that," Darke said darkly.
"You did. I picked the lock." KATE was also an ex-CIA agent, even though she was 16 and at high-school. Her daddy was also very rich and she drove a pink Ford Mustang even though she never bragged about it.
Darke looked down at KATE's awesome hip All-Stars sneakers.
"I love you but I want to kill you," he said.
"Why?" KATE said, already knowing the answer.
"Because I must," Darke said, pushing himself away from KATE.
"Why," KATE insisted, knowing what was coming.
"Because this is what I am," Darke Figur said, stepping into the shadows of the alley there were in, becoming a nothing more than a dark figure in the dark superfast shadows. He felt the lust for blood take him over.
KATE stood there, motionlessly. She loved Darke. He was so cool with his long leather coat and his sunglasses and his superfast motorcycle. He also beat Sander Jock at football and Sander Jock was the school's best football player. She would have looked so pretty going to the prom with Darke. But it was just not ment 2 b.
"I understand," KATE said.
"Then run," Darke said, his intentions as dark as the night. "Or I will kill you."
"No," KATE said. "If this is how it must end, then so be it. But I will not run from the one I love." KATE was so brave.
Darke felt himself being pulled forward.
"No!" he screamed at the night but there was no answer save the inexorable shuffling of his feet.
"Yes," KATE said, unwavering in her resolve.
"No..." Darke whimpered as the night spun superfast around them.
"Yes."
Darke grabbed KATE by her shoulders and sunk his supersharp teeth into her neck. She did not resist. Blood spilled out and into Darke's mouth, who could do nothing but drink in great gulps. Bright red drops stained KATE's white All-Stars. 2

Darke stepped back and let KATE drop to the ground. His head hung darkly as guilt overwhelmed him and his long leather coat drooped with sorrow. He got on his motorcycle and started it. Without looking back, he rode out into the night, superfast.
He would never play football again.3

4

Author notes

To clarify: the horrible grammar and spelling is on purpose.

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 24 of 24

  • miaman886
    August 29
    Edit | Reply

    I like

    I think its funny and serious poor kate T_T

    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 2.


  • Myra La-Ryn
    July 13

    Edit | Reply
    Well... this has a lot of potential. I like the choices to have bad grammar and such, and how certain aspects of each character are revealed as time goes on and not all in a blur.

    I'm not a fan of vamp stories, but I did like the traditional vamp formula: guy falls with girl, kills girl all that jazz.

    Out of curiosity, what option and (if it's 1 or 2) what was your phrase or title? I'm assuming that it's superfast, but I'm not sure.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • CantYouHearTheDrums
    July 10

    Edit | Reply
    That was like... superfast! I loved every bit of it! Did you know that 'super' is my favourite word so now this is my fav story. It was hilarious!!!!!!

  • Every-Spark
    July 9
    Edit | Reply

    hoooleeee heeelllll!!!!!!!!

    o my god my brain just melted!!!!!!!! that wuz hillarrioouss!!!!!!!!


  • AlwaysTheQuietOne
    July 3

    Edit | Reply
    This was awesome. Awesome like a trash bag stretched over a - wait, never mind.
    This had me laughing quietly to myself the whole way through. I could tell the bad grammar was on purpose, because it starts out not being so bad and then deteriorates pretty quickly. And the way you just outright told us everything about the characters was awful. Loved it!


  • Angela Christine
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    LMFAO!! thats was frikin perfect! in a bad way!! lol u gotta write more man! cuz this is way 2 funny.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • cooliobean13
    June 23
    Edit | Reply
    It's dead. No spark to the story, the grammar is kind bad. Good Idea, though.


  • SweeneyTodd-girl
    June 21
    Edit | Reply
    Some spelling and grammar issues, but overall, a good story. Thanks for entering!

  • Liefofdel
    June 21

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my...the characters...the plot...the SHEER STUPIDITY! Ha! Oh man, this is some seriously miraculous writing, here. And by 'miraculous,' I mean 'awesomely awful.'


  • Qwapple
    June 10

    Edit | Reply
    Wow!!!!!!!!!!! I laughed cuz it was funny but dude ur grammer is off. Waaaaaaaaaaay off. The whole thing was a roller coaster of badly written work and randomness but good in a bad conest written peice way. Super fast??Nice title. You might not have won the contest but you sure won the badly written stories one. was random and really off ur rocker. Try writeing bit better kay? U are funny and i admire that. HOpefully u write some more dude. Toodals Choc. King!
    -Qwapple


  • WritersEffigy gold member
    June 3
    Edit | Reply
    I larfed....superfast.

  • SweeneyTodd-girl
    April 18

    Edit | Reply
    umm... serious spelling and grammar issues. I see that this was written for a bad writing contest. Unfortunately, this was not a bad writing contest. As it said, dumb is different from badly written. Thanks for entering, though.


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    March 15

    Edit | Reply
    The moral of the story, boys and girls: if you're a vampire, don't play football. It ends up making you do stuff superfast.

    Oh, wow. This really made me feel like by brain was melting or something, but, believe me, I was laughing all the way through. Great job!

    Now I'm leaving...superfast.


  • Poopa Thug
    February 28

    Edit | Reply

    Holy hell

    This was damn hilarious. I friggen almost supercrapped my pants laughing. I loved so much of this, it was rife with horrible cliches. I loved the line "Her daddy was also very rich and she drove a pink Ford Mustang even though she never bragged about it. " because so many stories have random information like that, that is completely worthless and out of place. Calling the guy Cocksander at one part was awesome. The getting the blood out of the locker part and her being super smart. Oh yea "divine and emo-thug beauty", that right there... was perfect.

    As I said... I thought this was friggen awesome... but more than that I thought it was an incredibly smart and accurate satire of vampire crap that people throw out so much. The emo-thug beauty part got to me the most because honestly who are these crappy books marketed to 90% of the time, ugly fat emo chicks. Hence the thinking they are ugly(but really being beautiful) and their emoness being divine and everything. I thought you really did a great job.


  • tallblondie gold member
    February 26

    Edit | Reply
    Good cliche use (writing that sounds much too like an oxymoron for my comfort), but I think you overshot the mark here with this - straight past 'bad writing' and terminating at 'satire and parody'. You weren't supposed to make me laugh - I was supposed to crack my skull against the wall in frustration, not to stop myself from laughing. *eyeroll* You're making me want to break me rule of no clappies...

    Thanks for your entry.

    • Chocolate King
      February 27
      Edit | Reply
      Oh, damn

      I was going for "so bad it's good" but you wanted just plain "bad bad", I'm sorry. I'm actually afraid to read the winning stories then - I suspect I'll die from internal bleeding before I finish!


  • sodancewithsoda silver member
    February 19

    Edit | Reply

    *is, like, supergone*

    Hahahaah you inspired me.. to finish this before my brain forces itself to wonder what "Milton" would do next.. and after which, my brain will self destruct - we can't have that, aye? I gotta love how superfast was repeated all throughout I kept bursting out laughing at a lot of parts, but if I can choose JUST one as my favorite is Darke stared at Sander Jock darkly, like a bat riding a motorcycle through the night superfast. Hahaha. That's badass indeed

    And she doesn't brag, but she brings her Mustang to school every weekend. And her modesty is defined each time she denies her beauty (I call that fishing, btw "You're beautiful..." "Oh no, I'm not..." gonna stop you from calling me beautiful again )

    Gawd, I just.. don't know what else to say I'm applauding because in a few years, Twilight fans would just about reread their books and realize that Stephanie Meyer just stole *insert the amount* bucks, as well as precious time reading the book.. and ogling the fictional Edward, and fighting with non-Twilight fans

    Great work?

    P.S. Was the bat as coolly fat as this ???


  • Vanilla King
    February 17

    Edit | Reply
    Lol bro this was absolutely genius xD I could sum up everything I liked, but then I'd just copy paste the story

    u rule lol


  • Indistrict Cullen
    February 16

    Edit | Reply
    Once I read this: "It was Darke Figur." I began to suspect I was in for a hilarious ride.

    Once I read this: "Why? Psychological warfare, that's why." I KNEW I was in for a hilarious ride.

    Once I read the paragraph after that, I absolutely fell in love with this story.

    Once I read this: "The bat rode the motorcycle through the night." I was dying of laughter. Once I read this: "he put on an extra pair of sunglasses " I realized I was wrong, I wasn't dying before, but I am now.

    Favorite line: she said with all her might in the superfast night.

    I loved this. It was hilarious




  • SAVAGEshark.
    February 16

    Edit | Reply
    Very funny mate.It was like the scary movies of book.You really made fun of those twilight readers.
    It was a laugh,good job.
    As about iggyRylefag,he has no humor.


  • His.Golden.Eyes
    February 16
    Edit | Reply
    wow.
    I couldn't get through it.
    That seriously WAS bad.

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