Death of Phi

The Death of Phi1

Ben Camenker2

Forward3

(A brief note about the forward- I apologize to all those who enjoy reading normal novel forwards for hours on end to squeeze out every bit of personal information about the authors life, no matter how bland. I can only defend my actions by saying this- my publishers paid upfront, and not by the page, word, or letter.)4

This novel was born as I was satiated. I was finally satisfied with my story, which I wrote entirely based upon the deeds of a man who claimed that a charlatan named Martel stole his life story and mutilated it. I released the true story, as he told it, to the world, which, unlike I, was not yet satiated with stories, and, unfortunately for me, was about to have much more than their fill. My publishers paid me upfront, no questions asked. The unsuspecting public filed in line en masse for the privilege of receiving a masterpiece- a well thought out, intuitive, humorous, witty, and long awaited blockbuster.5

They are still waiting.6

Chapter 1007

My profits left me gay and excited. Religion, however, or the lack of it, slowly brought me back down to earth. I had won the lottery, I had hit the jackpot, I had found the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow- yet I had nobody to thank. I remembered I did not believe in god, and that was that. There are many who say that there is no greater sorrow than being down and out and having nobody to thank for it but yourself- to them I say that the only thing worse is being extremely rich because of a chance stroke of luck and having nobody to thank but yourself. No god, no fate, no lucky star.8

If religion is a light, then atheism is the absence of any hint of luminescence. 9

It is a dark path, the only path where one walks alone- without a supernatural and loving protector. 10

It was my dearth of religion and surplus of curiosity that would bring me into the third strangest adventure of my life.11

Chapter 9912

I had just finished up studying humanity’s origin in Mesopotamia and returned to my home in Bombay (Minnesota). I was invited to study the missing links in the origin of our species by another college colleague of mine (I attended Harvard, although I received the lowest grades in my high school class. My father, you see, was very rich and influential.). I politely turned him down. “It sounds interesting, Theo, yet you forget- the missing links involve apes.” 13

“Yeah? So?”14

“I don’t know a single thing about animals.”15

It was true. At least, it was true about any animals still around. I never had the time or interest to learn about the beings that still existed. I was always more interested in what did NOT share my world. Creatures imaginary and long extinct were the only ones capable of holding my slippery attention. Tyrannosaurus Rex, Archaeopteryx, Fire- breathing Dragons, Griffons and God, for instance. 16

I decided to lounge about at my parents’ condo in the Netherlands, and then continue on towards the Vatican, which was surprisingly hosting the atheist convention for that year, where a group of Goths took comfort in telling each other that existence had no meaning, and where the vendors on the streets made a fortune selling somber black clothing.17

It was at that convention where all my troubles started. But I am getting ahead of myself, it is not yet time for the start of my troubles, but for my own start.18

Chapter 9819

I was named after ignorance. At the time my mother and father were very big into religion, and upon having a quarrel with a close family friend who wanted them to name me after him, it was decided wordlessly between my parents. I was born “Philistine Rotilom Letap”, and was the only child my parents had, wanted, or needed.20

When the now-not-so-close family friend gathered up the courage to inquire as to what name my parents chose, they replied with vengeful glee “we named him after you, Charles.”21

Upon learning my name, the once close family friend seems to have had a falling out with my parents, although for the life of me I can’t imagine why. 22

Chapter 9723

My young life in San Diego was uneventful, barring, of course, the tragedy of my residence setting- right next to the famous San Diego Zoo. This exposure to animals during my childhood was enough to jade me to them for the rest of my life. In a way, the zoo schedule dominated my life. I woke up everyday at 5, because that is when they would feed the hyenas, which made an awful ruckus, and always went to bed before ten, because they washed off the elephants at ten (so the guests would not see them filthy) and the elephants enjoyed it so much, and proclaimed that so loud, that Louis Armstrong would be hard pressed to keep up.24

Chapter 9625

M premature exposure to zoos may have biased me, but still, I am stalwartly against them. Any time a zoo enters an area, it disrupts anything in proximity- zoning laws must be modified (you wouldn’t want factories spewing out smoke right next to a zoo, you know.), property value goes up or down, making it much more difficult for people to be able to purchase property in the area, and there is always the chance that one animals will escape and be “at large”- I have heard stories of a reticulated python escaping a zoo and eating the pets from the neighboring town. It was found, I believe, under a trailer- too bloated to move. Don’t ask me how- remember, I don’t know a thing about animals. What I do know is that zoo’s are much more trouble than they are worth, and if you see the cost of building one, making it secure, and then that of the upkeep, you will see that the “worth” is quite a lot. 26

Chapter 9527

You still must be wondering why this book is titled the death of Phi, and not of Philistine.28

Well, there has been much speculation on the value of a name. The most revered playwright of all time seemed to think that it was unimportant. “A rose by another name would still smell as sweet” was his motto, apparently. 29

I maintain that the only reason this is so is because his name, William, was perfectly normal. Had he been stuck with a more cumbersome and detrimental title, like “Nave” or “Dunse”, I’m sure he would feel different. His poem would be written properly-30

What is in a name?31

Why is it so vital?32

Is it power, pride or fame?33

Association, rank, or title?34

Would it be of more or less prestige,35

To be "Mr." or "my liege"?36

A name shows off your lineage,37

And, as with every designation,38

It lets all know your heritage.39

And flaunts your reputation.40

So by any other name, would a rose REALLY smell as sweet?41

Or would we disregard it as an ordinary weed?42

In short, the name DOES matter. All through my entire grade school career I was never once teased, because nobody knew yet what a philistine was. And then came bible school. The mockery would not stop. The priests themselves were having difficulty staying open-minded to me- with a name like mine, they expected I would be a troublemaker from the start. This may have contributed to my atheistic views, upon looking back on the experience.43

Chapter 9444

The next year of my schooling was to take place at a local high school, and I was determined to preemptively strike. I had thought long and hard about my new name. I had determined it would be Rudolfo-Alonzo-Alfonzo-Garcia-Hernandez-Mendez. When they called roll and reached my name, I calmly informed them that they were incorrect, and without a word strode up to the blackboard to write my overwhelming new name.45

I froze- there was no chalk left on the board. 46

I was in trouble. The whole class was staring at me. If I walked down, I would look like an idiot and be teased relentlessly, with or without my awe-inspiringly long name.47

I could not allow myself to do that. The teacher grinned death from the back of the room.48

I later found out that he had a student with a similar problem named “piscine” (or something like that) pull a trick like mine last year, and he prepared this year by removing the chalk.49

Chapter 9350

I was saved from this predicament, however, by a magical stroke of luck. Luck, because I do not believe in god.51

Out of the corner of my eye I spied the powdery residue of chalk. It was all over the bottom of the chalkboard, where the erasers and chalk are held.52

I quickly dipped my forefinger into the chalk powder, and as I was about to inscribe myself into history, recalled that there was only enough powder to write a small name, and there was no possible way that I could write my whole title.53

I thought about my name very quickly, and the divine ratio was the first thing 54

that popped into my head. I wrote it out: “Phi”.55

Chapter 9256

Phi, or 1.618, is known as the divine ratio because it is present in everything.57

It is said that in a chambered nautilus the proportion to of each capsule to each previous one is Phi. Most flowers have petals that due to the ratio of Phi number in total to a Fibonacci series. Even in our solar system, Phi is the ruler. The Cassini division in the rings of Saturn falls at the Golden Section of the width of the ring. Phi is everywhere. Phi and other explanations would become the god I did not have in later years.58

Chapter 9159

My teacher later commented to me that strangely, the student he had last year did something very similar, and muttered something about having to call ALL the children old Greek symbols and such when it caught on. I laughed. 60

Chapter 9061

Now that you know of my story, back to the Vatican. I was attending the convention, when suddenly I ran into Suli, a good friend of mine, and the most religious person I have ever met. I accosted him, and inquired what his business was at such a place.62

He responded that he was going on a journey that would once and for all determine the existence of god, and that he was looking for some stalwart atheists to join his expedition team, for the sake of eliminating any doubt of those reading the report that, whatever the claim, it is not made by a group consisting entirely of religious people.63

I explained my religious situation, or lack thereof, to him and offered my services upon the voyage. “Although I tell you truly,” I said. “I honestly don’t expect to find any ‘god’, and you are certainly not going to persuade me with any ‘fat-free’ miracles.” 64

“Great!” he said. And he grinned.65

THE VOYAGE66

Chapter 8967

I had packed all my belongings, which was not much. I had never seen a need to accumulate much in the way of possessions, so mine were few and simple. Clothing, hygiene necessities, and an extra pair of shoes were all I had brought- I intended to purchase any other provisions at the departure point. I knew I needed warmer clothing- Antarctica can have a relatively unforgiving climate.68

Chapter 8969

Well, not really Antarctica, but an undisclosed frozen island just north of it. Apparently, Suli was not the only one racing to find god out there, and he did not want to give away the location he had found. We were to set off from Cape Horn, at the very bottom of South America, and from there we were to follow the Atlantic- Indian ridge all the way to the Kerguelen plateau, which is located north of Antarctica. From there, only Suli and the captain of the ship were privy to the route we would take. He was very paranoid the entire time we were at shore. Only once we were on our way did he calm down.70

Chapter 8871

While we were waiting at the dock in for our ship to be fully loaded, I was approached72

by many vendors and hawkers displaying their wares, and since I was American, they offered me a special “discount” of five times the usual price. I, however, have traveled often, and while I was surveying the shops uninterested, there was one that caught my eye. It sold provisions for long voyages, and I purchased some warm clothes, two packs of waterproof matches, and a flare gun. The gun was intended by me as a sadistic sort of prank- I would wait until the more religious people thought they found something and then shoot the flair in to the sky from a concealed location, with them thinking it was some sort of sign.73

Chapter 8774

With my supplies purchased, I was now ready to embark. As if on cue, our ship gave out a low-pitched roar, and I was told that the equipment was fully loaded and she was ready to depart. Upon walking up the gangplank, I could not help but notice our fair vessels name: I was riding in the H.M.S. Cassandra, leased from Britain thirteen years ago.75

Chapter 8676

Now, not believing in god is much easier than believing- it takes effort to believe in something you can’t see, but none whatsoever to not see it. Not believing in superstitions, on the other hand, is something that takes a great deal of effort, especially when your ship’s name means “prophet of doom” and it has been thirteen years since its lease. 77

Now that I look back on it, the misfortune that befell me could have happened to ANY ocean going vessel.78

But it didn’t. It happened to the thirteen-years-leased Cassandra. 79

Chapter 8580

Upon embarking, we received a strange and urgent telegram- apparently; a voyage just back from Antarctica was still in the midst of unpacking when we left. 81

Due to some disagreement over the payment of the fee for the voyage, the ships captain, a rather tired man in a tall-necked black overcoat that leaned to the left on his body, decided that until they paid in full for the expedition, their cargo would remain aboard.82

A punctual man, the captain did not let a little thing like a higher water line affect his  83

prompt departure.84

Chapter 8485

During the voyage, I had much to think about. I tried not to dwell upon our ship’s condemning name, and looked to other things to occupy my time. My only acquaintance on the entire ship, though, was never to be seen- he was always in secret conversation with the captain about our destination. I maintained that he was crazy, but being crazy is a prerequisite for this sort of journey, and I wouldn’t begrudge him his personal peculiarities. 86

Socializing on the ship was impossible- whenever I would talk to someone, it would turn out that they were extremely religious and we would end up getting into a debate about the origin of the universe. Any atheist has been through the gauntlet so often that they know both sides’ lines by heart. I myself have argued so many times about it that I sometimes offer the other person to argue his side for him, too, because I have argued with the best, and could make a much more convincing case for god than he could. 87

No, I am a bachelor by choice, thank you very much for bringing THAT up.88

As a result of the all-too-eager-for-conversation believers, we atheists stayed locked up in our rooms all day brooding over how we could successfully stay locked up in our rooms all day brooding.89

It was a tedious task.90

Chapter 8391

Finally, I broke. After twelve days of receiving my meals in my room, dealing with an unnerving rat problem (they came out from a hole under my bed and were even so bold as to eat the crumbs off the side of my plate!) and playing 21 and war with myself using a stack of cards I found in my cabin (there were not enough cards to play any other game), I was no longer able to stay in one place. I decided that, to avoid the believers, I would check out the cargo room. 92

Chapter 8293

There is a scene at the conclusion of “Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark” where the Ark is boxed and put in a giant warehouse that seems to go on forever, with boxes and barrels and crates piled far beyond your vision. 94

That is what the cargo hold of the Cassandra looked like. I instantly understood how so many stowaways were able to hitch passage undetected- you would need a force the size of our Country’s border guard to secure an area this large.95

I approached the section of the cargo hold that held our expeditions scientific equipment.96

Chapter 8197

I checked- nobody was around. Towering crates were providing cover on all sides, and I was desperate to see what was in the crate. I tugged at the wood- it wouldn’t budge. 98

Three padlocks were all that stood between me and divine gratification and satisfaction of curiosity, but I was unable to bypass them.99

I decided to go back to my room and brood some more about the rat problem.100

Then, just as I was leaving, I saw a crowbar. It was untouched by rust and looked like it could pry open the gates of heaven if given enough leverage.101

I was instantly flooded with joy. This was just what I needed!102

“Now I can finally deal with those rats!” I cried aloud, and left grinning with the crowbar in my hands.103

Chapter 80104

How dumb I was to have left the crowbar in my room! Upon returning from the bathroom, I found it missing! I commented to the crewmember on watch nearest my room that a possession of mine was taken. He replied “maybe the rats took your crowbar. Ever think of that?”. I thanked him and left. Only later did I realize that I had not disclosed what was taken from my room. The crewman was nowhere to be found. Upon accounting it to the captain, I was told they had no one of that description working on the ship.105

Chapter 79106

I had to go back to the cargo hold, if only to get another crowbar to use on the rats, which were becoming more and more brazen. The night before I had witnessed one of them actually come up and try to defecate on my foot, running to re-position itself over my foot whenever I moved my leg. 107

It had to stop, and soon. 108

Chapter 78109

We received another urgent call about the cargo from the previous expedition we were carrying. The caller offered the fee and an additional sum if we would turn around and bring the freight back. Our captain, dead-set on reaching our destination (and I don’t even know if Suli had yet told him where that was) on time, declined. 110

When he received another telegraph offering a very large sum of money for the return of the consignment, the captain declined. Everyone was amazed- here was a man truly unmotivated by greed. A true saint.111

When asked later about it, he said “my ex and her lawyer would get it all anyway, so why bother?”.112

Chapter 77113

There were continuous telegraphs pleading for the return of the cargo that night.114

Eventually, their tone changed from pleading to demanding, then to threatening.115

Someone REALLY wanted that cargo, and they wanted it soon.116

Chapter 76117

I went down to the cargo hold again, and up till this point, the voyage was going fine and could have continued to go fine. I, however, made the mistake of venturing into the area where the mysteriously wanted cargo lay. 118

I looked around- a few unusually large crates, but nothing else out of the ordinary. 119

I touched the nearest one, a twenty-foot-tall crate. It was extremely cold.120

It was also wet.121

Chapter 75122

I looked around. There was no condensation on any of the other crates. The only explanation would be either a leak up above or under the crate, or that something inside was causing the dampness. I looked up- no leak. Looked at the floor- there was a small pool of water around the crate, but far too small for a leak. The only explanation was that there was something in the crate that was causing the dampness.123

Chapter 74124

I had to open the crate. I looked for a crowbar everywhere- under the forklift, inside the closet that held the chainsaws, in back of the sledgehammer rack, and even in the explosives compartment. Tons of C4, but of what use was that to me? There was no crowbar.125

Chapter 73126

Eventually, I resigned to do it without the crowbar, and, with a heavy heart, opened up the crate by hand and looked at what was in it. 127

Chapter 72128

Inside the crate was one of the last things I ever expected to find.129

I encountered a rather passive “Smilodon Fatalis” (big smiley, as I like to call it).130

I think anyone would agree that “Smilodon” is an adequate name- there is no grin on the planet like the Sabertooth Tiger’s, and that is most likely because the Sabertooth Tiger became extinct 10,000 years ago. Although I was no lover of any animal still living, the Smilodon was always a childhood favorite- all children love cute and cuddly cats, especially big ones…with eight-inch, razor-sharp teeth.131

Chapter 71132

The reason behind the cat’s odd passivity, I noticed, was that it was completely frozen solid in a cube of ice. There was a machine attached to the cube that emitted beeping sounds and showed a few gauges whose meaning I could not divulge.133

Chapter 70134

Why on earth was a machine attached to the ice? It would all melt on its own, and even if it did, the tigers voyage was not intended to be this long- there was originally no chance of it rotting. I noticed how fast the ice has melted. Only a warm body could do that. 135

No corpse, not even one covered with fur, would be able to melt that much ice that quickly. Then I understood- during hibernation, animals are able to slow their heartbeat to almost nil. Under extreme cold, which is almost never found in natural conditions, cryogenic freezing can occur, where the body is set into suspended animation for an arbitrary period of time. Meaning finally struck me- this cat was frozen alive! 136

Chapter 69137

The machine must have been regulating the ice temperature. I did what any mindful and cautious citizen would do- I recklessly smashed the machine and chortled in bloodthirsty glee, dancing madly around the bits and pieces of the shattered mechanism. 138

Chapter 68139

It was not long until the sabertooth tiger began to melt and thaw out. The puddle on the floor began to expand, and I was suddenly faced with the problem of what to do when the sabertooth tiger awoke. It was only a matter of hours. 140

I decided to sleep on the matter. 141

Chapter 67142

I awoke to screams. I rushed out to see what was happening, and was greeted by a commotion.143

“What is happening?” is asked. 144

“It’s okay, this lady was just having indigestion from the fish and had a nightmare.”145

“Oh, Ok.” 146

I asked the lady how she was feeling, and she said she was much better and sauntered off to bed. 147

So did I.148

Chapter 66149

When I awoke again, I noticed the rats in my room were clawing at the door, trying to get out. They may have sensed something, I don’t know. I know nothing about rats. 150

I left my room and drowsily went over to the cargo hold where my thawing Sabertooth Tiger awaited. I heard a scratching against the other side of the cargo hold door, but I did not have any idea what could be causing it. When I opened the large steel door, the Tiger leaped out over my head, ran into the hall, and disappeared. 151

Chapter 65152

Of course, I was slightly worried for the safety of some of the people on board, but there was nothing I could do. I decided to warn the captain, and announce on the loudspeaker that there was a giant Sabertooth Tiger on the ship.153

Chapter 64154

By the time I made it to the navigation deck, I saw a gut-wrenching sight.155

The captain was everywhere- some creature had butchered him up.156

The deed had just occurred- parts of him were still bleeding.157

I put two and two together and guessed what the obvious cause of this destruction was.158

The ex-wife must have somehow heard about the captain turning down all that money, and had come to take her revenge. 159

I was wrong, but it was a good guess.160

Chapter 63161

There was no time to think. It all occurred in a fraction of a split-second.162

The second I realized that without the captain we were flying blind, I had only enough time to readjust the main thruster, calibrate the hydraulic pumps, tune the engines, and pressurize the fuselage before the iceberg that had been looming in the distance and steadily approaching struck without warning. 163

Chapter 62164

We started to sink. I made it to one of the last lifeboats left people must have thought there were no more, at least, because it seems that nobody was running toward them now. 165

People became delirious with fear. They started screaming at me “the boat is not going to sink, we will be fine!” and “The iceberg merely scratched the bow!”.166

I pitied those wretched, deluded people. 167

Even the rats were too dumb to leave the ship.168

Chapter 61169

I cast the lifeboat off into the water, which was a long way down, but I did not want to wait till the surface was a long way UP if you know what I mean- the ship could sink at any second.170

As I hit it hit the water with a crash, I heard a roar- the Sabertooth Tiger was in the lifeboat!171

Chapter 60172

As we drifted away, I said a prayer for the people on the boat, who were now frantic. My action must have made them aware that there were more lifeboats, and the only reason they were not in the water with me was because they must have been fighting over them. They seemed desperate to get me back to the boat. I yelled at them that even if I did have room for more people (which I did) I was unable to catch up with the boat.173

The Sabertooth Tiger and I slowly drifted out to sea.174

Chapter 59175

The danger of my situation did not start to dawn on me until the ship left our sight, and I was unable to avoid thinking of the creature on the other side of the life raft.176

I decided to take inventory. I had in my pockets the two cases of waterproof matches, and I had the clothes on my back.177

I opened up the nearest compartment on the life raft and found that this raft must have been packed with no expectation that it would ever be used- someone was clowning around. 178

I took inventory.179

1 solar powered flashlight.180

6 cans of baked beans181

1 battery powered waffle iron182

8 individual pieces of string, 2 inches each183

In the second compartment, I found:184

2 whoopee cushions185

3 more cans of baked beans186

3½   boxes of M1000 fireworks (it looked like someone pilfered a few from the last box)187

2 packets of water purification tablets188

2 packets of purified-water purification tablets (no lie!)189

5 more cans of baked beans190

1 instructional video on surviving a shipwreck.191

As for the rest, I had192

1 large life raft.193

2 packets of waterproof matches194

1 shirt195

1 pair of pants 196

1 pair of shoes197

1 Sabertooth Tiger198

0 god 199

0 miracles200

0 chance of survival.201

THE (unconventional) VOYAGE202

Chapter 58203

The most annoying thing about the supplies was that there were enough baked bean cans to last me for a while, but there was no way of opening them.204

I tried everything. The person who packed the lifeboat either forgot to add a can-opener (unlikely) or decided not to include it just on the off chance that anybody actually DID get stuck in it, therefore forcing death upon them so they would not be able to report what a bad job he did (quite probable).205

The Sabertooth Tiger was still in shock- when it made it on deck, I probably tried to hide in the life raft until it recovered, and then the trauma of pushing off from the boat…206

I felt sorry for the Tiger.207

I decided to name it.208

Chapter 57209

My first choice was for his name was Rudolfo-Alonzo-Alfonzo-Garcia-Hernandez-Mendez, because I never got to use it and it really was a shame to see such a wonderful name go to waste, but I decided against it. It would take far too long to pronounce his name when I talked to him out of loneliness.210

I then went for Richard Parker, but something in the back of my mind screamed copyright violation/plagiarism, and I never liked that name anyway. Don’t know why I thought of it. 211

The only fitting name for a Smilodon Fatalis, I decided, is “Mr. Smiley”, and so Mr. Smiley was named.212

Chapter 56213

After a relatively short amount of time, Mr. Smiley had recovered and was starting to strut around his side of the lifeboat with his eyes dead-set on me. 214

I returned his gaze with a smile. I slowly reached for a can of baked beans. 215

He stopped. 216

I grabbed hold of it and started to pull it closer to me.217

Mr. Smiley tensed. He readied himself to pounce.218

I tossed the can of baked beans at him.219

Chapter 55220

Now, when an animal is showing aggression to you, especially one that could slice you open like a papaya, angering it is not a good thing to do.221

If you remember, though, I knew almost nothing about animals.222

Mr. Smiley instantly twisted and bit the car as it sailed towards him.223

He bit down so hard his huge saber teeth went right through the can!224

After he released his bite, it fell to the floor with a plop and beans started leaking out the huge gashes. It was more air now than can. 225

Contented that my plan was successful, I used one of my matches to light an M1000, which scared Mr. Smiley to “his end” of the boat. 226

I proceeded to devour the spoils.227

Chapter 54228

My entire survival in the lifeboat was dependant upon one thing- Mr. Smiley.229

A lot of people have said that it was actually endangered, but this is not the case. Without Mr. Smiley, I never would have been able to open my cans, or eat the wonderful fish and sea turtles I enjoyed at his expense. 230

A lesser person may have tried to strike a balance, giving Mr. Smiley the first food he catches to satiate him and therefore extend the persons life. 231

Not me, of course. Mr. Smiley would catch a sea turtle, and just as he was starting to eat his well-earned meal, I would gleefully scare him to the other side of the boat using M1000’s and devour the fruits of his labor.232

The routine was identical with fish.233

If Mr. Smiley got any food at all, it was not because of my fear of him or my generosity, but merely my lack of vigilance. 234

Chapter 53235

Mr. Smiley also had other uses. Whenever I found a new species of fish among his catch, I would make him eat it first and see the effect- whether or not he threw up told wonders.236

I have come to find out that as guinea pigs, Sabertooth Tigers can’t be beat.237

Whenever the odd piece of seaweed floated along, he would test it.238

Once, for scientific purposes, and because I was bored, I flung an inflated whoopee cushion at him. He swallowed it whole, and for the rest of the night, whenever he sat down it deflated a little more and he would look about, startled.239

Chapter 52240

Eating healthier food on a regular basis (Mr. Smiley was an excellent fisherman) had improved my health quite greatly- I became much more robust, while for some reason Mr. Smiley became rather emaciated and developed a constant harried expression.241

I’m sure he would have torn me to pieces, he was so hungry, but those M1000’s were a lifesaver.242

When I first red the back of the box that said they were waterproof, I tittered with glee- waterproof matches AND M1000’s! 243

I tested my little depth charges on the first fish I saw- since I don’t know anything about animals, all I can say is that is was a white fish with black stripes and it tasted great.244

Chapter 51245

The first thing to run out was the purified-water purification tablets. 246

I used 2 of them for every packet of purified water I had, to make it taste less purified.247

I roughed it on normal purified water for a while, and then those tablets ran out. 248

Mr. Smiley just drank seawater, and he was fine (nobody argue with me on this- YOU have never been shipwrecked with a Sabertooth Tiger.), but I, a human, could not do that.249

I was in serious trouble. I had no way of getting the salt out of the water that surrounded me, and unless I could, I would die of thirst in the middle of the ocean.250

Chapter 50251

They say necessity is the mother of invention. If this is so, then invention is the illegitimate child of Stupidity and Boredom, the proud fathers (neither knows whose the child is, and necessity isn’t going to tell).252

During one of my more…despondent episodes, I inflated the whoopee cushion and stuck it under water to see if it would float. 253

When I pulled it back up, there was water in the bottom.254

I never let the opening touch the waters surface, but somehow the water had gotten in.255

I tasted it- rubbery, but no salt whatsoever!256

I had, in the whoopee cushion, a portable water filter! I was saved!257

Whoopee! (I apologize for that)258

Chapter 49259

After continuing on for what seemed like forever, I stopped hearing the waves.260

Even the fireworks sounded muted. I understood immediately.261

I was going deaf. I must have gotten seawater bacteria in my ears from all the spray, and I must have become infected. I then remembered that Mr. Smiley had been pawing at his ears the last few days.262

I looked across at Mr. Smiley and yelled (I think I yelled, I could have been whispering for all I knew) at him.263

He did not look up. I lit a firework and threw it out of his vision. 264

The explosion did not startle him. In fact, he seemed not to notice it at all. 265

Chapter 48266

Eventually, I was able to use the pieces of string I had as relatively decent ear plugs.-267

I cleaned out my ears by folding the strings into tight little balls and plugging my ears up with them to keep them dry. It worked. With all the bacteria in my ears starved of sustenance, that is, a constant salt-water supply, my immune system had no trouble disposing with it.268

Chapter 47269

After floating along a bit more, I was startled to see another castaway. 270

I hailed him from a distance, and he rowed his little craft, which upon closer inspection turned out to be an empty steel drum, over to me.271

“Hello, brother in the sea!” I greeted him.272

THE VISITOR273

Chapter 46274

“This is a miracle! I was so lonely and hungry, and thought it would be my last day alive, and then you appear!” he said.275

“Alas,” I said “I have no food right now.” It was true- I had obtained almost all my food via Mr. Smiley’s feats of fishing marvel and although I was pretty well off as a result of them, I had no need to save any.276

“That is too bad.” He said. He looked at my hearty figure. “How are you able to eat so well if you don’t have any food?”277

I told him of Mr. Smiley. He laughed. “A Sabertooth Tiger? They don’t exist!” 278

“Yes they do,” I assured him “you are looking at one right there!” and I pointed at Mr. Smiley.279

He only grinned. “A mirage.” He said. Then he told me that when people get shipwrecked, it was not uncommon for them to see mirages every day, often in the form of colossal animals which if they could only fell, would provide enough food for the duration of any journey.280

“More often, though, are dreams of islands made of ice-cream.”281

He looked me and my boat over once more, and asked “I fear for your safety against the tiger, though. Do you have any weapons?”282

I wondered why he feared for my safety if he did not believe the tiger existed, but I told him the truth anyways- I had no weapons except for half a bag of fireworks, and a few rationed waterproof matches. 283

“Great!” he said. I did not understand why this was a good thing, but I decided that maybe my brother had been far too long at sea.284

He looked me and my boat over for a very long and uncomfortable time, and began to salivate. “Let us feast on each others company!” he said, with a grin.285

I was so lonely, I thought nothing of it. “Yes, why don’t we?” I said.286

Maybe Mr. Smiley WAS just a mirage, and it was I who had been too long at sea. 287

Maybe there was nothing to worry about.288

He smiled, showing his teeth. “I am sooo lonely…I have really been starved for company.” He said.289

Chapter 45290

I knew what my newfound friend meant, or at least I thought I did.291

He lunged aboard my boat, pulling a large knife from behind his back.292

He ran in my direction. I moved aside, startled. He kept going and used the knife to cut off a big chunk of the gunwale on the side of the boat. He started eating it. 293

“What are you doing!?” I asked in alarm. 294

“I am so hungry!” he said. “I have had hardly a bite to eat in forever! All I can catch is turtles and fish.” He continued to gnaw on the wood as if possessed by some unnatural, guttural force.295

“But those things ARE edible!” I said. 296

He responded “not to a vegetarian!”297

Chapter 44298

I pray for the French vegetarian every day. After he decided that the boat was indeed NOT edible, his “friendship” ebbed.299

He pushed of in search of seaweed or some sort of sustenance. 300

Mr. Smiley, I’m sure, would have eaten him, but he smelled of seaweed, and Mr. Smiley recalled what happens when he eats seaweed (another experiment of mine).301

I offered to share with him all the food I got, but he said “no, thank you, meat is murder.” and went on his way.302

The French are strange.303

The Island304

Chapter 43305

On I drifted, and eventually, I landed at an island. It was made of some hard, multicolored substance, which I realized after a few minutes was compacted trash!306

I was on land! I kissed the ground (well, I would have, but it WAS trash) and leaped onto the earth. Mr. Smiley, upon seeing me do so, ventured out and took off into the jungle of waste.307

I decided to explore. I took along my fireworks and matches, just in case something else lived on this island, or I met Mr. Smiley under less than ideal circumstances.308

There WAS life on the island. LOTS of it.309

Chapter 42310

I basked in the shade of a toppled car, and thought on my new situation. 311

Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement- I turned immediately; ready to light my fireworks if it was Mr. Smiley. 312

I saw a strange sight- a meerkat!313

Chapter 41314

No, it was not a meerkat. It was a HUGE rat, standing on its hind legs. The only reason I must have thought it was a meerkat at first was because I knew almost nothing about animals. The only reason I remembered it was a rat was my horrible time on the ship. 315

The rat ran, startled, and I pursued it for no reason other than curiosity and a desire to bash its filthy head in with the crowbar I had yet to find.316

Chapter 40317

The rat led me to the inside of the island, and I was shocked to see a horde of them- numbering in the thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands! I went to the highest peak on the island, and surveyed my find.318

Rats everywhere! And no land in any direction. I then realized that this was a not any pile of rubbish, but a FLOATING TRASH HEAP! Maybe some rubbish barge out of some harbor was carrying this to the dump and dropped it, or maybe the sea WAS their dump.319

All I knew was that I had just found a much larger raft.320

Chapter 39321

Night began to fall. Mr. Smiley went back into the life raft. I decided to spend the night on my island. As the sun was setting, I found myself a nice berth inside of an old washing machine, and, making sure there were enough small cracks for air through the seal, shut myself in so the rats would not be able to get to me. 322

Oh, how I wish I had never discovered the islands sinister secret. I could have lived there in innocence for the rest of my days. 323

The paranoid move saved my life. The rats, as night fell, climbed up onto the highest places they could find. 324

They covered the top of my washing machine. They were everywhere! Out of the see-through window, I viewed rats fleeing for high ground everywhere! It was strange- the rats had nothing to be afraid of.325

I was wrong. 326

Chapter 38327

The floor started moving. Or, at least it appeared that the floor started moving. 328

Then I realized the truth- Roaches. Roaches swarmed the floor, scouring it of anything the rats left behind. I almost wet myself- there were so many of them! The floor had become a black moving mass. Tens of millions of Roaches swarmed up from the dark recesses of much of the trash to meet them. The rats were shivering- they were scared stiff.329

Chapter 37330

Covered the holes in the seal of the washing machine with my hands. I would have to make do with less air, because if the roaches got in, I would not be able to breath!331

I suddenly felt sharp bites against my fingers. I looked out the Plexiglas window to see that it was not rats, but roaches!332

The roaches were carnivorous. A chill ricocheted down every nerve of my body. I did not know what an evolutional leap this was for roaches, because I knew almost nothing about animals. 333

I heard rats squeaking in primal fear as they bunched closer and closer together. The few on the outside were torn alive. In the morning, after the last roach had left, I studied my hands- they worn mangled and torn. The flesh was stripped almost down to the bone as hundreds of roaches chewed on them.334

Chapter 36335

I had to leave the island. Whether or not I had shelter here and food (although I detested eating rats, it was obvious that they were edible, thanks to the roaches.), I was not going to sit around and have them devour me. I waited for Mr. Smiley to come aboard the boat the next night (the roaches could not swim over the thin film of water that layered over the land the boat was grounded on) and took off. Why I saved Mr. Smiley’s life, I do not know. I was running very low on fireworks. After another week, I would have none left. 336

I tried not to think about it.337

Chapter 35338

A week passed. Still no sign of land. My firework reserves all but ran out.339

Chapter 34340

Another two days pass by. Mr. Smiley begins to stalk towards my direction one afternoon and I throw a lit M1000 at him. It was my last one.341

He retreats back to his side of the raft. The next time he makes an aggressive move toward me, I am finished.342

THE ENDING343

Chapter 33344

Land!!! There was land in sight! No sweeter sound was ever heard than that of my boat docking against the beautiful, bounteous earth. 345

Mr. Smiley bounded off the boat, and went into the woods. I hoped it would be as unemotional as possible, that he could just walk away without looking back, but he DID look back at me, damn him, and I broke into tears. 346

This was the end of my Journey. 347

Chapter 32348

I was found by a nice family who took me in and took generous care of me. 349

They had strange accents, and I was informed that I had made it to Australia, way off course from my original destination. I had gone thousands of miles. 350

When I told of my story, they were at first incredulous, which made me dubious.351

I did not believe that they did not believe.352

“What is so strange about my story?” I asked. “The rats? The roaches? The vegetarian Frenchman? I admit, the last one WAS rather strange.”353

“The Sabertooth Tiger” they told me. 354

“Well,” I said, “if you want proof, come look at the scratches in the boat and all my cans of baked beans!” we went back to shore. The boat had vanished. The tide had come in, and it had washed out to sea. 355

I had the story of the century and no proof to back it up whatsoever.356

Chapter 31357

My new family was very kind to me. They did not believe me, but they sympathized with me. They took me to a hospital where a one of the doctors confirmed by my deep tan and remnants of bacteria in my ears that my story of being exposed in the ocean for an extended period of time COULD be true, but then when he came to my healthy appearance, he said that it was impossible that I could be able to retain such a hearty condition unless I was eating constantly. 358

I told him that my Sabertooth Tiger supplied me quite sufficiently with food.359

The doctors were still laughing when we angrily left the parking lot. 360

Chapter 30361

Once I felt recovered enough from the trauma of the experience, I warned my newfound family to be careful in the area- you never know if a Sabertooth tiger is around- and took my leave.362

I had to find out what happened to my expedition.363

Chapter 29364

I contacted the shipping company that chartered the fateful voyage. 365

They informed me that although there was a terrible tragedy aboard the vessel (I had figured they were referring to the captain’s death- only later did it dawn on me that it was I who was thought dead), the crew had made it safely to their destination.366

And back.367

It had been 7 months since my journey, apparently.368

Chapter 28369

I contacted Suli. He was overjoyed to hear that I was safe. It appeared that the captain was a disturbed individual, and was playing a joke on his first mate. He intended for the first mate to walk in, see the blood and body parts, and freak out. 370

Instead, it was I who had freaked out. 371

Chapter 27372

I could not believe my good fortune- my friend was still alive! I cursed myself for leaving the ship, but I decided it was in the past and there was nothing I could do about my feeling of self-loathing but let it go.373

I asked Suli if he found proof of god. I could picture him smiling ruefully and shaking his head on the other line. “No, we did not find proof.”374

“Why?”375

“The atheists destroyed it.”376

“What?” I said.377

“The atheists didn’t want to believe it, so they destroyed it.”378

I didn’t want to believe it.379

“What was it?” I asked. 380

“Life. We found life on the most barren and desolate place on the planet. Surely, this must have been the work of god- no organism would ever have need to live in such a place, so Darwin’s theory does not explain it. The only explanation is irrational- that life finds a way.”381

I felt that he was speaking to me, even though he had no idea what I had been through.382

I though of myself and Mr. Smiley.383

“Yes, Suli, life does find a way…”384

Chapter 26385

I left back for America. I took a flight- can you blame me? 386

I had little money when I arrived, for what little my foster family was able to give me was going fast. 387

Upon arrival, I was met by two Japanese reporters who had heard of my story from the insurance company that chartered the flight.388

They were quite anxious to get to the bottom of it. 389

“Well, Mr. Tokyo and Mr. Kyoto, it all started…”390

Chapter 25391

I told them everything, and they did not believe me. 392

They kept prying me, asking for the REAL version. 393

To make my story more believable, I modified it a bit. 394

I replaced the expedition with a family trip. 395

I substituted Sabertooth Tiger with a normal, everyday Bengal Tiger.396

I swapped out my Vegetarian Frenchman who escaped to a very hungry Frenchmen whom my Bengal tiger devoured.397

I modified my trash island full of rats and carnivorous roaches into a carnivorous algae island full of meerkats (what the first rat looked like on the island).398

I interchanged the circumstances of my return.399

I even added a hyena, orangutan, and zebra just to spice it up.400

My Original tale HAPPENED, but they did not believe it. My new story seemed to me even less plausible. 401

They merely nodded in agreement, wrote it all down, and left.402

Chapter 24403

Years later, I was approached by a man who desperately wanted to write my story. 404

I declined- it was not his to write. 405

He sneakily went to the claims agency and copied the transcript of my new story. 406

That is how a less deserving book came to be. It is a faux shadow, a flickering reflection  of the REAL truth.  407

But the story, the REAL story, is not yet over.408

Chapter 23409

My cash flow was almost entirely gone, but after all that time in a vast, mindless wasteland, without another intelligent being around for thousands of miles, the last thing I was going to do would be to get a job and subject myself to that feeling again.410

A cubicle would be like a life raft without the water- lacking even the base freedom of movement without purpose.411

Chapter 22412

My luck was about to change, however. A man named Robert Zemeckis approached me with a very lucrative offer from Twentieth Century Fox- they were interested in making a movie based on my story! I immediately signed on the dotted line and wrote a very detailed script of my adventure. 413

Chapter 21414

I have no idea what they did with it, but by the look of “Castaway”, they obviously did not read it. Tom Hanks looked nothing like me, as well!415

I had begun to think that they merely wanted the “based on a true story” label, yet even THAT was stretching it. 416

My story was fated, it seemed, to be misinterpreted forever. 417

Chapter 20418

I invested my money well. In no time at all, I was up-and-coming. In a little while, I was well-to-do. In a fair passage of time, I was filthy rich. 419

Chapter 19420

What did I do with bounteous wealth? I bought a mountain of ice-cream. 421

I showered my family of rescuers with cash.422

I made donations to companies that were developing Rat and Roach killers.423

I started a recycling campaign that was very effective.424

I sat and brooded about how I could continue sitting and brooding. 425

Nothing had really changed.426

Chapter 18427

I spent the remainder of my fortune looking for Mr. Smiley in Australia. 428

Only once I located him would I have concrete proof of my adventure. 429

I issued a reward for the capture, alive, of a large Sabertooth Tiger.430

Everyone thought I was crazy. 431

Chapter 17432

This brings me to where I started my story. I was filthy rich. I had nobody to thank for it but myself, which was actually a good thing, because I did not feel like thanking anybody for it and was not about to. 433

Chapter 16434

Eventually, I decided to give up the hunt for Mr. Smiley. He obviously did not want to be found, and I had no idea where to start looking, anyway.435

This was when all my troubles began. I was contacted by the expedition that left its cargo in the Cassandra- they wanted to know what I had done to it. 436

Chapter 15437

An intense legal battle followed. They were suing me for the damages. I thought I had a clear case because they could not claim that there was a Sabertooth Tiger in the cargo without proof, and even if they did have proof, that would be the proof I needed to make my story world famous!438

Chapter 14439

I lost. I don’t know how it happened, but somehow their lawyers tore me into little pieces and then spit the pieces back out, only to eat them again. I am writing this as I am awaiting the verdict. I suddenly feel sick. 440

Chapter 13441

What delicious irony that I should lose my entire fortune in this chapter! Oh, belief in god is now impossible, but belief in bad luck- that is now a certainty. 442

I lost my entire fortune. The recovered damages for things I did not even do. 443

I had according to them, ruined their good-faith reputation for delivering on time, cost them a VERY valuable client, lost their expensive shipment and destroyed the state-of-the-art machines that were monitoring it (had I known that the machine stuck to the ice had cost several million dollars, I would have made sure I left no fingerprints upon destroying it).444

Chapter 12445

Now I had nothing. They had succeeded in stripping me down to nothing. 446

There was no point in trying to save myself- I was done for. 447

My house was going to be repossessed, so there was only one thing to do…448

Chapter 11449

That’s right! Chapter 11! I filed for bankruptcy immediately, then went to live in my house in Florida.  450

Chapter 10451

When I entered my house in Florida, though, I discovered it was infested with roaches! 452

Oh, I cursed my lack of foresight- in purchasing the house, I had not bought any sort of regular pest control service. 453

The memory of the flesh-eating roaches surged back into my mind. 454

I left the house.455

Chapter 9456

I had nowhere to go, nothing to do. My family offered financial assistance, but I shrugged it off. I didn’t need money; I needed a rejuvenation of spirit. 457

I decided to take up my search for Mr. Smiley again. It was the single issue in my life that I considered incomplete. 458

Chapter 8459

The wonderful people who took me in were glad to see me return, and when I told them of my plans and everything that had happened to me, they were a bit startled, but they decided that they would humor me. I was overjoyed- we would hunt down my Sabertooth Tiger460

Chapter 7461

Day 3 in the jungle. No sign of Mr. Smiley. I lay awake thinking of a name for the novel of my travels. I can’t think of anything appropriate. 462

Chapter 6463

We got him!!!!!!!464

We nabbed Mr. Smiley! Just when I thought there was no hope, we saw his footprints and captured him without any problems! I just made like I was going to throw a firework in his direction, and he slinked away, tail between his legs, while I guided him into the crate we had for him!465

Chapter 5466

The publicity was enormous. My story WOULD finally get out, just as soon as I displayed Mr. Smiley for all to see. I decided to bring him back to America and show the world my story on the breaking story of every news agency. 467

I decided I would fly him there, and chartered the freight plane myself. 468

Chapter 4469

We took the most direct route, over the Pacific Ocean. We were making good time.470

The pilots were very optimistic about arriving before dinner time.471

I could not contain my excitement- finally! It would all be over! I felt the need to check on Mr. Smiley to make sure he was okay. 472

I went back into the cargo hold to make sure Mr. Smiley was alright. I opened up the wooden crate his cage was in. 473

He stared up at me, I laughed in his face. Here he was- the superior predator, in a cage, while I was free. I made as if to throw a firework in his face. He flinched, then, upon realizing I had tricked him, growled very deep. 474

I laughed some more, and closed up the crate.475

Chapter 3476

Upon returning to the cabin, I sat pensively thinking about what I would do with my money and power, once restored. I was interrupted when a shrill beeping filled the cabin.477

The pilots looked at each other. One of them cursed. 478

“What is it!?” I asked. 479

“Depressurization” one of them said. “In a few minutes there will be no oxygen left in the plane! Were going to die!”480

Chapter 2481

After going through everything I had, there was no way I was going to die. 482

Of course, there was also no way I was going to lose my key to fame and fortune either. 483

I ran into the cargo room and put on a parachute. I was too distracted to hear the giggling coming from the cockpit. 484

I strapped a cargo parachute onto Mr. Smiley’s crate.  485

I then strapped one to myself, and pressed the cargo bay door button. 486

The back of the plane started to open. 487

Suddenly, wind was gusting everywhere. 488

Anything not weighted down was pulled out of the plane and sent careening miles down to the Pacific.489

There was too much noise for me to notice that the beeping had stopped, or for me to hear the pilots screaming to me “it was just a joke”. 490

I wheeled Mr. Smiley’s crate out to the edge. I pushed it off. 491

I jumped a half second later.492

We parachuted flawlessly down to the ocean.493

The Title of the Book494

Chapter 1495

And now, dear reader, the title of my story becomes painfully obvious- I am in yet another life raft of sorts, consisting of Mr. Smiley’s crate. I opened it, hoping he would fish for me like old times. He is staring at me in a rather strange way.496

This manuscript, which I have been writing since my rescue, has run out of paper. 497

I take great stock in signs like this now. I am placing this paper in a bottle of wine I found floating relatively close to our ocean-crash-landing site- it was supposed to be for the night I became famous, but I doubt that will happen now. I drank all the wine, naturally. 498

As fitting a last meal as I could hope for, but victory may have tasted sweeter.499

I doubt I will ever find out.500

Mr. Smiley is moving closer.  I don’t have any fireworks.501

At least I thought up a title to my story.502