Have you ever gotten ready for bed and thought about how aweful it would be if you actually never woke up.When I write it here it kind of creeps me out. What would happen? I guess... you would just dream... forever.1
"Night mom!" I yelled out of my room, "Love you!"2
"G'night Jeremy! See you tomorrow."3
I had been getting tired from running in the football field all day so I had to go to sleep. It was nine pm anyway.4
I rolled over to face the wall and got myself situated and comfortable. My eyes closed slowly until I was feeling my soul close as I started to sleep.5
My eyes opened. I was in a field. "Hello!" I yelled."Is there anybody here?" I started to walk forward. there was just a really tall dead tree.6
The tree was grey and brown and looked like it was at least three hundred years old.7
There was a voice behind me but I couldn't make out what they were saying. As they got closer I realized that the person was a man. I turned to look. He was running. "Hello!" I screamed at hiim, "I'm Jeremy!" he wasn't yelling anymore.8
I ran towards him and he disapeared. "Hello?" my voice was as quiet as a mouse. I was confused. You would be too and probably are as you read this.9
My mind was in a different place. What was going on was obviously unreal. I couldn't be. Why would I just wake up here? Right?10
I started to walk again and I headed for where the man came from. I had started to play I spy wtih myself out of boredom.11
I wondered how long I would have to walk. "Come on!" I exclaimed, "You can wake up now!" it had gotten annoying fast. But.. how can you have thoughts in your dreams?12
The grass was getting greener with every foot I walked. That must mean water. Water must mean people. My feet took control and sped through the field. I ran faster that you could imagine. "Hello!"13
There was a small building. I was shaped like a wierd shack but made of concrete. I couldn't risk the chance of no other buildings around so I ran for the building, "Hey! Somebody! Come here!" I approached the back of the building. Starting to get nervous I tip toed to the front. The door was made of metal. "Hello!"14
The door opened and an old wrinkley man showed his face. "What!" he was a grouch! "Are you another on of themlost fellas?" he opened the door all the way.15
"Where are we?" I whispered. My scared voice was obviously too quiet because he had no answer. "Are we in America still sir?"16
"Whaddo you think dummy!"
Should I clean it up. If so how?
Comments
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Pretty good. The ending threw me of a little. It could've been a better twist to the ending.
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Great story, very innovative. Yeah, it would be pretty scary if you went to sleep and never woke up!
Other than a great concept, you do have some errors that need attending to.
Line 4 needs a comma between "Day" and "So".
Line 6 "there" needs to be Capitalized.
Line 8 needs a comma between "me" and "but".
Line 8 you wrote "hiim" instead of "him".
The "he" after "I'm Jeremy!" needs to be capitalized because it's a new sentence.
Line 9 "my" needs to be capitalized.
Line 11 needs a comma between "again" and "and".
Line 12, "it" needs to be capitalized because it's the beginning of a sentence.
Also, you did "But.." I think it's "But..." There should be three periods instead of two.
Line 13 you wrote "that you could imagine." I think you meant "than you could imagine".
Line 14, second sentence, you wrote "I" instead of "It". Just a typo.
Should be a comma between "shack" and "but".
Should be a comma between "around" and "so".
Also, line 14, third sentence, instead of "no" it would be better if you said "any".
Period should be at the end of the third sentence on line 14. Comma should be between "nervous" and "I".
Line 15 needs capitalization on "he" after "What!". So does the last sentence of line 15.
This needs to be fixed: "Are you another on of themlost fellas?"
Line 16, comma should be between "still" and "sir". Also, sir needs to be capitalized after you fix this.
Nice read!
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